you know, there are no super heroes that turn into hippos.
i find it hard to believe that there are that many messy painters in the world. there must be a clothing line.
am i to assume you're unassuming?
i'm over people with faux eating disorders.
if you want to feel good about yourself, step on the scale after you take a gigantic poop.
our relationship has been nothing more than horrible photos and 50% off love.
sir, if my penis were that small, i certainly would not be showing it around manhattan.
i choose not to acknowledge my left pinkie toe.
it's a personal decision. it usually is.
i tried to paint my nails with red nail polish. now it looks like I have been finger painting in blood.
i fail as a girl.
this week in jenna theatre. the scene - a large empty room in a temple. the players - only jenna and an older gentleman. the incident - a loud fart. the question - who did it?
i met a girl tonight who wears a size 10 shoe. i know what they say about men and shoe size, but what do they say about women?
most people loose iq points when they drink. not me, i start speaking like like einstein and nietzsche's fucking scrabble board.
put that in your pipe and smoke it.
when i see someone talking to a crazy person, i think to myself, what is that he's doing, doesn't he know that person is crazy?
i'll say this for them, there are a shit-load of port-o-potties.
i always thought i'd marry to keep someone in the country.
my ID, already?
i often have the words to say, i don't have the words.
cutting your toenails at work is disgusting. i don't create excel spreadsheets in your bedroom, now do i?
i find it confusing when i see people carrying huge dictionaries around. does anyone really have a need for that many words, that quickly? there has to be a better way, or a smaller size.
some people have sex phone voices. the guy behind me sounds like a cross between kathleen turner and harvey firestein and the combo is making his conversation about surgery and blood work, sound like a dirty proposition.
books smell like home. unless somebody pukes on them. then they just smell like puke.
i offered to help an old man carry his 3 large suitcases down and then up some stairs. he said "i bet you'd like that, wouldn't you."
i love wife beaters.
the tank top. not the criminal.
it is amazing how many things sound like euphemisms for poop.