The Art of Making Lemonade Out of Liver

there will be no resting on laurels here.

all vacations must come to an end. they have to. or else they’d be called life.

i'm not sure kids should be allowed on airplanes. i understand this might be a better alternative to driving kids for their parents, but i'm not certain my ear drums will ever be the same.

i am now only announcing our imminent death to the passengers within ear shot. i feel this is an improvement over my previous behavior of screaming it to the entire plane.

i hate sitting by the engine. i don't want to be the first to know when it falls off the plane...

there are some people who should not be allowed on boats. mainly because the urge to push them over the railing it too strong.

the plane does not have room to accommodate your plant.

i hate the smell of desperation.

i would like to be paid. just, because.

don't fart in elevators.

sometimes i wish i were a kid again, if only to walk around disney dressed as “belle.”

i've always wanted to be a part of a festive brouhaha.

i might be too insecure for social networking.

who left the scotch out?

i cannot offer proof of life.

don't tell me i can't do something. i don't want to have to go through the trouble to prove you wrong. i'm too damn lazy.

i never do my hair. i just wash it, wake up, and hope for the best.

i happen to excel at doing nothing.

if you happen to see it, please return it.

i will never understand michael vicks.

i will also never understand mike tyson, but he has that whole lisp, high-pitched voice thing to contend with.

i love hearing about people's shit. just not from the people themselves. they always give their drama a positive spin.

i've been thinking about growing out my bangs, but then i'd have to face my forehead every morning.

sometimes i don't have that satisfied feeling that comes from accomplishing something huge.

does that mean it wasn’t huge after all?

while i do not have anything of any particular value, today i am finding myself particularly territorial over my desk.

lost in translation. translated into french.

sometimes i fear i have become invisible.

hello?

anyone?

can you even read this?

Fuck.

i managed to make it 4 days on a slippery wet boat, wearing slippery flip flops, and not slip one single time. however, in tennis shoes, on land and in sunshine i manage to slip at least 4 times. touché sneakers.

the louder the horn, the slower i move.

i have been working very hard to not do one single thing. so far, so good.

disney in the rain, is still disney.

why does beer taste so damn good?

if you're bored, than you're boring. or at least, you're probably boring to me.

finding seltzer in the south is like finding jesus in your toast, highly unlikely and extremely suspect.

(My apologizes to Jesus if he has, in fact, appeared in toast.)

The Art of Catching Fly Balls with Your Fly Down

nothing says "hit me" like a "baby on board" car decal.

i think shopping for bathing suits has to be one of the most horrific experiences women have to endure. worse than roller coasters. i just don't understand why dressing rooms have to have mirrors...or lights...

i'm feeling unproductive.

i don't get fashion. didn't the 80's already happen?

you wanna hit me, hit me, you wanna leave, there's the door, i honestly don't give a shit anymore.

do you ever find yourself stressing about getting a project done at work and then find yourself wondering why? the only thing that lies at the end of this project is another more annoying project, and so you play bejeweled instead? no? me either.

i am doing something stupid in 17 days. fingers crossed.

i hate writing "matthew" i always feel weird crossing the "t's" do you cross with one line? but there is two t's - is it fair to the other t? but two lines look weird...best to avoid the whole situation.

i like being a bit crass every now and then, but there is a time and place.

the art isn't in the photograph, but in the taking of the photograph.

and i wonder, still i wonder, who stopped the rain?

who's train is that?

i had a doctor that once thought i was being abused. when i used to be vegan, i bruised really easily. like, touch my arm and it would bruise kinda bruising. so i had some marks on my arms and he was worried. sweet of him yes, but completely unnecessary. i was like, honestly, if someone hit me, everyone would know about it. i would never shut up about it. i would probably have t-shirts made and try to get a book deal out of the incident....and, if we are being completely realistic here, there is a good chance that person would be far worse off than i. i may be tiny, but i'm scrappy.

let this be a warning to you all.

how do you know if you're annoying someone?

i hate photographic evidence.

i smell doom. it smells like burped up apple juice.

how many scales are too many scales?

i need someone else to do my shopping.

go see star trek. i am in love with spock. just sayin'

vegas. ve-gas. veg-ass. vague ass.

i am about to be touched by some guys hot dog. no, that is not a sex euphemism. literally. this guy is now touching me with his hot dog. a fucking hot fucking dog.

I wish my stomach and my mouth could agree on what they want to eat.

people who know baseball stats freak me out. I fucking love the game, don't get me wrong, but knowing who pitched a no-hitter in 1987 does not impress or even interest me. now, if you wanna have a chat about santana...i can go all night...and i have...sorry for that.

i guess i just lost my seat in the trivia night bowl.

i think i have been listening to too much baseball. i am now announcing my routine in my head as i prepare for work as if it was a METS at bat...."and she stops at her drawers, what is she gunna choose, will it be the red shirt? that one sometimes bunches up and has been giving her a problem, or will she go with the blue shirt. now that blue shirt has been worn 4 times out of the last 20 days, so that shirt has very high odds. ok....it looks like she made a decision....and it's...THE BLUE SHIRT! OHMYGOD SHE CHOOSE THE BLUE SHIRT!!! this one is sure to be a crowd pleaser...wow, that was pretty intense!"

i need a life.

what's with women who carry victoria's secret pink shopping bags around with them everywhere? are we supposed to be impressed that you got 5 panties for $20 at some point? and if so, why must you keep informing the world? is this to illicit a sexual response? it actually elicits more of a gagging response in me.

umm even though you can't see my eyes behind my shades, i can see yours. stop staring.

there are people i would do anything for. there are people i would do anything for as long as it gets them to leave.

the difference is in the word.

look, i don't like heights. i am short. short people are used to being closer to the ground and when i am off the ground, i miss it. plus, short people have farther to fall when the roller coaster goes flying off the tracks.

i will not be blogging next week as i will be on a cruise. it's ok to be jealous. i am jealous of me too. minus the annoying problem of having to go shopping for summer clothing, which makes me want to grab my cozy sweaters and head to alaska - anyhoo....

sooo...as an apology, and just because i think everyone needs to see this, may i present to you, for your viewing pleasure....(headphones people - there are f bombs...but mucho worth it)

NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE ON A BOAT!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7yfISlGLNU&feature=channel

The Art of Doing the Hokey Pokey...

..and not turning yourself about, damnit!

i would like to come to fisticuffs now please.

it's not cyberstalking it's called being curious to a dangerous degree.

it's hard to play hooky when you're already there.

ok people, fess up, who made out with the swine?

the "best damn sports show" top 50 best plays ever, just made me tear up a bit.

once again, i have surprised everyone by behaving exactly as i always have.

i am so mysterious.

i am sure i am forgetting something important here.

i doubt i will live up to anyone's low expectations.

best thing about national pandemic? one cough gets you more room on the subway.

also, those surgical face masks are ridiculous. i saw a woman in a black dress and pearls wearing one this morning. it made my day.

the spark of creation feels an awful lot like heartburn.

if you are talking out loud to someone for more than 5 minutes, and you have gotten no response, perhaps your next course of action should be to shut the fuck up!

wow. seems like somebody is already drunk.

you are so irritating you make my hair follicles hurt.

people always say don't live life with regret, but regret tastes so much like chocolate, i find it hard to let go.

i want to make this blog more of a collaborative one. insert your own joke here. hope you feel better now.

i love TV nerds.

i'm cheating on you with baseball.

it is a challenge to keep stroking the egos of those in the wrong.

while i like to stand during the national anthem, i don't see how having a cold head will show respect to my country.

especially if you get a look at the bad hair day that is happening underneath most hats. in some cases, perhaps more respect could be had if the hats were kept on.

you can repeat yourself as many time as you like, but until you tell me what you actually need, i will be unable to assist you.

i think taking allergy medicine, tylenol pm and valium must be what being inside a bubble feels like.

never joke with a man in a suit.

you're not the boss of me.

i am always half-way to gone.

and remember kids, when in doubt, bite someone.

The Art of Swearing Too Much

i live in new york fucking city - and i can't get a frozen margarita delivered to my house?!?!? THE INSANITY!!!!

i sometimes feel electronic devices are trying to communicate with me. i'm pretty sure my microwave has evolved.

riding elevators with strangers stress me out. i am always thinking...if we get stuck in here, how would this person taste?

you know, it's funny, just the other day i was wishing i have an old, fat, white republican around to tell me how to live my life.

i only have to pee when there is no bathroom in sight.

i hate when i find myself watching infomercials as if they are tv news reports and then buying into the concepts...ohmygod! yes! i DO need a sponge that has the soap and wax in it, and there is one for a dog? brilliant!

procaulk...heh - heh

i want a snuggie. no i don't, yes i do.

i don't understand why people like me sometimes. i'm loud, i'm moody, i'm sassy, i swear like a sailor, and according to the homeless man on park and 40th, i've got great tits....oh wait...maybe the answer is in the question....

upon stepping on the scale and discovering a number i didn't like, i proceeded to carry the scale around my apartment to see if location helped my chances. apparently by the window i am 2lbs lighter.

are they really benefits if they cost you 500 a month?

i am often spoken to like i am an idiot. i often punch people in the knee.

i know it's supposed to be polite and make you feel special, but when people use my name in every sentence, it makes me feel creepy.

i don't have the knack for remembering names. people should be required to wear name tags in the work place.

i know you might feel like you're closer to the front of the line, but standing with your face four inches from my ear, shockingly, will not get you in any faster.

i understand there is a scientific explanation behind it, but i honestly feel like my stomach is attempting to make contact with me.

i use strange accents to answer the phone at work sometimes.

i wish my boss would wear a bell around his neck.

according to Swiss scientists, sweaty men smell like cheese and sweaty women smell like onions or grapefruit. they should know. they're swiss.

so i tweet...and while i have friends on there who post occasionally, it is primarily me and my sister...talking to each other...like we do on gchat, and aim, and facebook, and text message, and blogspot.....

my face has been spontaneously blushing.

at work, no matter the judgment you make on a judgment call, it will be the wrong one.

i thought there was something on my face. turns out it was my face.

why doesn't anyone respond to fire alarms anymore?

fuck braces.

i want to start a new game. fat or pregnant? is that mean?

i did not realize it was possible to be that unfunny.

how honest is too honest?

i feel slightly satisfied and greatly nauseous.

sometimes it's not that people are good or bad, it's that when they are dating you, they make you unbearable.

i am only happy when i know i won.

if you don't hold on to your shit, somebody else will.

you would be so lucky if i was your ex.

i am leaning slightly to the left. literally. my bag is heavy as shit.

why have more people fallen asleep on my shoulder in the last week, than in my entire life combined. apparently i am cuddly.

if i am a mother, my kids will love winnie the poo. i feel the earlier we introduce bowel movements, the better my life will be.

fuck my feet...cute shoes suck.

i always feel really embarrassed buying those huge value packs of toilet paper. i always worry people are thinking "man, that bitch must take a lot of shits!"

i am either extremely early or extremely late everywhere i go.

dude, if your penis is a big as your stomach is fat, then please, by all means, sit with your legs spread as wide as they can go. otherwise, close up, buddy, and let someone sit.

why do they keep giving the flu animal names?

in the past week, i have used to word "asshole" 957 times in describing people.

someone asked me for directions to somewhere, i couldn't hear what she said so i said, "i'm sorry, where?" she yelled, "learn english!" and stormed off. apparently i am one of those geniuses who spontaneously learn languages.


i am greatly saddened by the loss of bea aurthur. her humor and wit, and dead pan delivery both on stage and on screen, shaped my view of women in comedy. a woman doesn't have to be weak, dumb or slutty to be funny. and she was certainly none of those things...

however i fear i am all of those things...thanks anyway bea!

The Art of Not Sliding Home

BELTRAN.

i am being cautiously cautious.

hate allergies, love tacos.

it's not that i want you to crash and burn, it's just so much more entertaining to watch you fall.

sometimes life is like raking the leaves on a windy day.

todd e., i find your face offensive.

i totally thought a cute boy was staring at me on the subway. it wasn't until i got off the train that i realized why. the jeans i am wearing have a huge hole located, you guessed it, right by the crotch. i basically flashed somebody for 7 stops.

too sexy for this computer.

i apologize for your ignorance.

i still don't know what i want to be when i grow up.

you know how in those old tv shows, when kids shared a room and they had a fight, they would put tape down the floor so the other person couldn't cross it? ever feel like you wish you could do that as an adult? like, i don't know, on the bus...or in your office?

why do bathroom stall doors open in? i always have a moment of panic when i'm trying to get out of one.

why do I need the gym again? oh yeah, cuz i eat. damn you food network.

what ever you think, i didn't do it.

apparently i need therapy. thanks for that. shall i send the bills to you?

i am afraid i'll break a baby. it's not that they're that great, i just don't want to be responsible for breaking your kid.

i hate when pharmacists judge me.

someone just touched me with their arm pit. no. i did not ask for that to happen.

anger makes you puffy. not the rapper. the shape.

when is a head contusion funny?

i can't decide if i'm hungry or gassy.

i love a good bitch fest, but only in whispers.

after getting out of a long relationship every girl dates an asshole and a guy with a small penis. sometimes you date an asshole with a small penis and get it over with in one shot.

famous people are just like you, except people give a shit about them.

i still love books.

i can't feel bad for people who deliberately hurt themselves.

you need a new job.

mornings are evil.

i feel lost when trying to give directions.

i wish i was already there.

rudeness is like farting. when it happens, everyone notices.

i get confused on nights of the week that start with t. tuesday, thursday, tonight, tomorrow...

if you shower without soap, it's really just getting rained on.

why has no one told me about 30 Rock, ok to be fair, people told me but why didn't i listen?

i have a sugar body scrub that i love. the only problem is the ants love it too. we had a show-down in the shower. i was in there, all ant free, and just as i opened the jar, the first ant appeared. he must have alerted his friends because then they appeared everywhere it seemed. i was so freaked out i stepped back quickly, slipped, and was sprawled out in the bathtub. as it turns out it wasn't ants, it was some fuzz the cats tracked in.

there is, however an ant problem i am trying to solve. i know they are watching with their creepy ant eyes.

i think it's funny how some word sound the same, but have completely different meanings. imagine that story with the word aunt.

i guess that's why people should have accents, to help us tell words apart.

my cat likes to find my underwear or pants and climb inside them and take a nap. i dated someone once who did the same thing. it wasn't nearly as cute.

people say money can't buy happiness. but this is false. it can. and none of that rich in love bullshit. yeah, being rich in love rocks, but i want to be rich in rich. love can't get me club house level at the mets. love can't get me into the diamond lounge at caesars, although once it did, but that's neither here nor there. love can't hook me up in a penthouse in downtown manhattan. and love can't buy me jewels. and damn it, i want some jewels.

i am now skinny enough to go back to wearing my g-strings. oh lovers, how i've missed you.

i have a crush on you.

remember sweetie, a man who would pinch a girl once, would just as soon hit her with a frying pan.

The Art of There, They're, Their...

...and the people who give a fuck.

today for the first time in my life, a random stranger tried to sell me drugs. i felt so honored that i didn't want to say no.

today for the first time in my life, i sold drugs to kids at a playground.

that was a bad joke. it was at the zoo.

knock knock.
who's there?
poop.
poop who?

that was a good joke.

i was confronted by a squirrel.

anything with thumb holes is amazing.

i don't care what ethnicity you are, it is not ok to use the ATM mirror to pop your zits.

i saw a man parallel park his car into a tree.

i found this man's situation ironic as he had a "women belong in the kitchen" bumper sticker on the back of his car. really? the kitchen? and your car? does it belong in a tree?

there aren't enough pigs with capes.

there is something quite sexy about a man with a little bit of scruff. there is, however nothing attractive about a man with a chin strap. unless you're rich as shit. then pretty much anything is ok.

i want to break into a pet store and go on a snake punching rampage.

when i am angry i like to shout out random hate crimes.

i have always wanted to taste hope. it tastes like chalk.

i always have to worry about what the top of my head looks like.

suck my toe.

it is quite different to be in a relationship with someone who wants to be there and someone who does not. if you're asking yourself which one you're in, then there is your answer. if you're crying, then maybe the reason no one wants to be with you is because you cry all the time. just an outside opinion.

i saw jesus in canada. he was in a parade.

i've been trying to be more honest with people and to tell them when they do something that upsets me. i've not been doing a very good job. so, here goes nothing...you have upset me.

dogs are man's best friend. until they pee on the carpet.

i'm sorry about before. it was a joke. i'm not mad. let's be friends again? i'll buy you a snake!

i finally was invited to my first seder. i was forced to drink wine and sing passover themed show tunes. jewish people rock!

try to think, for one minute, about someone other than yourself.

there are those who deal in guilt and they win the house every time.

you are aware that it's just a game, right?

fucking extreme home makeover.

i've never had "penis envy" but i do wonder what it would be like to write my name with pee in the snow.

never joke about giraffes.

apparently the "cookie diet" is specific cookies that you eat, not milano's, like previously believed.

i am not satan. i just think screaming babies on a plane sucks. and i only threatened to flush one kid down the tiny toilet. and i was joking. kind of. although the mother took me rather seriously...

it's hard to ignore people when they aren't talking to you in the first place.

why would i want an overweight, ass ugly personal trainer?

i understand you like to have conversations with yourself, but could you and yourself please take it outside, some of us are trying to work.

i don't believe in alphabetical order.

the thing i don't get about identity theft is, how can you be so sure that what you get will be any better than what you had?

it's weird to finish last, when you weren't even aware you were racing.

i like to see how long it takes people to realize their fly is down. i suppose i could tell them, but that takes away the sport in it all.

let's start a subway dodge ball league.

i saw your face, now i'm a believer.

when i am explaining a story to someone and i am excited about something, my voice tends to get a bit too loud. this just happened five minutes ago in my office. i shouted "penis." i am not sure how i still have this job.

so nice ya said it twice...you know you wanna follow me...do it...

The Art of Evil Easter Bunnies

i hate to disappoint you but i think you should know, i am honestly not a funny person...as the next four hours will demonstrate...

i never know where to put my arms when i am standing.

herpes - the gift that keeps on giving.

surprisingly, getting louder does not make you more right.

english people know that anything they say in their accent sounds romantic. even that man who told me to move the fuck out of his way, and called me a fucking cunt. to me, he is Colin Firth and ladies, i just might be in love.

if your hair looks like you stuck your finger in an electric socket you will not be allowed to judge me.

i don't know how i feel about yoga. i am a bit competitive with it. i made it my mission not to fall. i was like, fuck you side plank, i'm gunna kick your fucking ass. hell yeah yoga!

ohmygod, i'm totally gunna be that 50 year old woman with tight shirts, boobs all hanging out and still showin my g-string...

i do not wish to wait any longer for godot.

i am not a still person. i do not have a still mind. i cannot stand still. i cannot walk without twiddling my thumbs. i cannot think of relaxing. the wii fit has trouble registering my weight because i fidget. if i have an hour at the gym, i need to be running until i am on the bring of vomiting, just to keep running interesting. lying on the floor for 5 fucking hours (ok to be fair, probably only 5 minutes) is not a good workout. i need to rethink yoga.

i can drink you under the table.

apparently most fine dining establishments do not like it when you drink under their tables.

also, in related news, i still like to "borrow" things when i am under the influence. like toilet paper...or hair...

stab your meat.

i am so hungry i am contemplating eating a finger...like a ring finger...or pinkie finger. i mean it's not like it has any use.

this is ridiculous.

girl scouts are the devil. girl scouts are bitches. fuck them and their cookies.

the problem with plastic seats is that they vibrate when you fart.

you are not america's next top model. although the girl who wins won't be either.

what IS it with people and their bodily functions right next to me? first the farting man, now the burping old lady, and i'm pretty sure she had tacos today.

alright iowa! i bet that is the first time anybody has ever said that about iowa!

if you sit behind a horse, don't be surprised if you get shit on. that was not a metaphor.

i cannot wait for you to crash and burn. but not from an airplane, or a car, or walking really fast into a sonic...i was being ironic. and, i admit, a bit bitchy.

i am the boss.

for once in your life, please ignore your call waiting.

fucking yoga. i should have taken the boxing class that was right after yoga so i could punch the yoga teacher in the face.

i might have missed the point of yoga.

what's with people having their own catch phrase? if you ain't in a tv show, knock that shit out.

wall. wall-e. wonder wall. walnut. nut job.

that's not my name.

i only cry when it hurts. it only hurts when i trip and bang my head into a wall.

you have no idea what happens to a woman when she gets a brazilian wax. no idea. (but now you're thinking about it)

those truth commercials make me want to take up smoking, especially the one with all the crying crawling wind-up babies that are all crying, so i can stab them with my cigarettes. burn plastic motherfuckers!

too much?

dreaming of pill and pain and vodka.

are you close?

it's disheartening to be the shortest person in a room.

what does it smell like under a yamika?

i ate a tag-a-long (aka peanut butter patty) and i think, though i'm not completely sure, that while eating that tasty treat, jesus did a dance in my mouth.

while i cannot successfully stare at something and think of nothing for 5 minutes, i can however, successfully stare at something and think about how much I hate it, for a good hour.

i'm sorry, i wasn't listening to you, i was too busy staring at your yellow tooth.

Shots before Shots. the new name of my shooting range slash bar. i'll let you guess which one you partake in first.

can we make yoga into a contact sport?

i drank my weight in vodka. there might have been hot dogs with no buns. and inappropriate jokes. and a toilet paper baby. what does it all mean? Let's Go Mets!

naked friday!

heh-heh...naked people.