The Art of Finding False Facts in Freeport (Texas)

i am never satisfied with toilet paper rolls.

celery is an underrated vegetable.

gentleman, if you cannot fit into your own seat, perhaps you should stand. and if you cannot fit it into your own pants, then your parents should be proud.

you did what with a raisin?

why do people find the need to use a sports teams performance to launch insults at me? i ain't playin' second base, nor am i paying the salary for the second baseman, so your perceived slams are almost irrelevant.

your words wound me to the core.

i called out of work pregnant today. i wonder how long i can ride that lie for.

can you microwave tin foil?

no, you cannot.

how much do microwaves cost these days anyway?

if no one saw you blow up the microwave, did it even happen?

there are days I feel like I live in a state of perpetual confusion.

there are days i wish i lived in the state of denial. do you think that's on a map?

i have trouble joining fan pages of people who start their own fan pages on facebook. i find it redundant.

perhaps we should think of renaming the states of new york and new jersey. does anyone even know where the old york and old jersey are?

someone told me that I "needed to grow a pair of balls". although, my understanding of basic biology is weak, i am under the impression that that's not how that works. maybe i'm wrong. and in which case, should i, as someone not currently in possession of said balls, really be trying to accomplish this feat?

depression is the ultimate display of egotism.

i find the more i try to get lost, the more people find me.

of course you need to fight for my attention. what, like it's free?

it is getting easier to sleep standing up, however i still maintain that sitting down is probably the way to go.

i don't chase shadows. i let them come to me.

i want a beer and a nap. i'm not sure in which order.

somehow using sex as a weapon sounds dangerous.

i was cornered on the street by someone who wanted money for "children.org." i stopped her mid-sales pitch and told her she lost me at children.org.

someone recently asked me why i thought he had trouble getting girls in his online gaming community.

sometimes the answer is in the question.

if i wanted to know how to play the board game, i would have asked. plus, i would probably actually be in the process of trying to play said board game.

it is hard to be your friend. especially when you wear a unitard.

my favorite eye candy is recess peanut butter cups.

i would like to have a pet, and name it peeve.

why wont that pesky sex tape rumor go away?

sometime people mature in reverse.

i learned a valuable lesson today. pregnancy jokes are not funny, especially if the person is actually pregnant (sorry lady on the 7 train)

I feel guilty using generic products.

i wish to be a parcheesi master.

wait, that has to do with cheese, right?

The Art of Clinging to Clichés

i can run a freaking marathon, but walking a half mile to the subway in heels is damn near impossible.

hiding garbage in the bushes still is, in fact, littering.

i accidentally wore 3-D glasses today, thinking they were sunglasses. i did not realize my mistake until I made it into work, slightly nauseous.

blow your fucking nose already.

better luck next pay check.

i hate displays of weakness.

i find it peculiar when people find the need to wear shirts proclaiming their personality traits. i guess if we are going on the assumption these shirts are true as opposed to wishful thinking on the part of the wearer, wearing a shirt that informs of who you are could actually be beneficial. you can narrow down your group of friends. diva? no, thanks. drama queen? i'm good. asshole? i'll pass.

as a rule, i do not hate people. there are always painfully apparent exceptions to this rule.

today was not my day for mass transit. first on the morning commute, a barbara bush look alike pushed me over on the subway this morning screaming at me to ‘move it’. then on the ride home, i got up for a pregnant woman and her 2 kids. the mother declined a seat, so i sat back down. then all of a sudden, i feel a bang on my head, then another, and another. i finally catch the little kids beating me in the head with their toy train. the mother remained on her cell phone, completely oblivious to the fact her kids were assaulting me with their trains. great parenting.

screw the environment, I need a bullet-proof suv.

i do not like routine; i just need it to survive. like chocolate. or a whistle from a construction worker.

i despise people who do not follow the basic rules of society.

i never take more than i need. i always ask for more than i want.

your personality reminds me of a dead penguin.

the new york mets remind me of a relationship i had once.

remind me to tell you that joke.

it's what i won't talk about that should concern you.

you don't have to work so hard to make me think you are a terrible person. i already do.

apparently i am a "gold-digger" (thank you random twitter friend?) i find this amusing as i have actually never dug for gold in my life. i have panned for gems in north carolina as a child. does that count?

if i was indeed a gold digger, than i have done a terrible, terrible job. and i need bigger boobs.

face up here, thank you.

wearing heels makes me feel like tap dancing.

i said i don't want to talk about it.

sometimes the world seems very dark. especially at night.

hair seems to be the problem. the lack there of seems to be the conclusion.

ready or not, here i come.

question marks only exonerate the situation.

better to have fought and lost, than to have spent the day in the bathroom crying.

i will defeat cheese.

i thought head phones were supposed to prevent music from being blasted to those around you. clearly, ipod does not think so.

it is not my aim to offend you. it is my aim to offend everyone.

i don't take the things you say personally, i take the clothes you wear personally.

you need new socks.

my faith was restored in humanity this week. a man offered me an umbrella to walk under in the rain. my faith was then promptly stored when that man tried to cope a feel on my ass. oh well.

six of one, half a horse either way.

The Art of Pooping in Public with Perfect People

if i followed the 'don't say anything unless you have something nice to say' rule, i might never talk.

no matter what, i'll be chasing a high until i die.

i do not rsvp to pity parties.

clipping your nails on the platform is gross. i hate that clip, clip sound.

my first thought upon seeing a raised toilet seat is that someone has been puking.

something about plastic wrap mystifies me.

feet are gross. not because of the dirt or germs or whatever people get by walking around town, but because of the stuff i imagine grows between people's toes.

watching bret michaels get taken out by a flying set piece at the tony awards was a highlight of my week.

wearing anger becomes a badge of courage.

don't dive into the shallow end of conversation.

just because they make spandex in your size, does not mean you should be wearing spandex in your size.

a car is just an empty metaphor. and the quickest way to the store.

don't laugh now, they will think you are funny.

scoring a seat on the subway feels a lot like scoring a free drink from a drunk guy. exciting at first, but then you get peed on.

the work day lasts so much longer when you actually arrive on time.

might need to rethink my strategy.

i'm sorry, we're all out of sympathy and tears here, please check back at a later time.

yes. i am making fun of you.

i usually just assume you are mad at me, saves me time in the long run.

i feel pain. i just don't like to buy it a round.

so much leg room.

i just saw a man throw a bouquet of roses on the ground then get into his car and leave. i also saw a woman crying on the subway. I wonder if the two incidents are related.

so i was a bit drunk on the subway the other night. bored and unable to read my book, i noticed the crossword puzzle the guy was filling out next to me. i saw he is having trouble filling out 6 down. it’s mark walberg, i told him. a few stops later, 22 across doppelganger, i mumbled. the guy was getting a bit angry at me and i don't blame him. i was kicking his ass in crossword puzzle and i suck at crossword puzzle. he moved seats after the next stop.

that is one of the saddest stories I have ever told.

organic apples have been pooped on by cows.

there's your ' go green' thought of the week.

The Art of Eating Meat with No Teeth...

...and other southern traditions.

short and sweet only works in horse shoes.

i hate when people tell me to mark their words, and then don’t provide me a writing instrument. hardly seems fair that i have to do everything in that little scenario.

too much fodder makes jenna a dull girl.

i'm pretty sure i am going to jail at least once in my lifetime.

what happens when a political speech writer gets writers block? you can't exactly ask for an extension on the state of the union.

i'm constantly told i need to develop a thicker skin. i am not sure how to do this.

if i develop a thicker skin, will i become more or less appetizing to cannibals?

are there health problems related to having a thicker skin?

will words really bounce right off of me and stick to you?

i am pretty sure i was supposed to have figured it all out by now.

for everyone who has ever told me planes are safe, suck my toe.

no, not that toe, the other one...you know what, toes are gross, let's forget i mentioned anything about toes.

what was i talking about?

for your convenience i have included a map of the subway system, but i have left off every emergency exit.

who is king of the subway rats?

just when i think we belong, i realize i forgot my phone.

don't sneeze on the door knob.

don't squeeze your fruit.

should i get fake boobs? i think i lost the warranty on mine.

and i ran, i ran so far away...

i'm not hungry, i only came here to drink.

did you know that drinking large amounts of alcohol is bad for you?

how can something that feels so right, be so wrong?

you really can be so emo.

i dodged a bullet today when 80 school kids did not get on my subway car.

i also dodged a bullet when i was shot at earlier this week.

i am not sure which on i am happier with.

i was attacked viciously by a smoothie from smoothie king.

fuck him in the eye with a kust poon.

there is never a good reason to be awake at 4:45 am. ever.

people under estimate the power of disillusionment.

i am obsessed with jamba juice. long live jamba juice. mmmm….jamba juice…

i wish life were as simple as a fairy tale.

tripping over your own feet clearly illustrates evil intent on the part of your brain.

what’s your malfunction?

i’m jealous of people who have no concept of their body moving through space and time.

please lady, continue to elbow me. i enjoy it.

if my computer tells me i cannot do that function one more time, there might be a computer falling from the 33rd floor.

singing off key at the top of your lungs on the subway about jesus, will not bring about any converts.

malfunctioning electronics confuse me. and scare me a little bit.

toaster ovens are made by people who want to have suspense when toasting bread.

i wait until the last minute to make my mind up. i wait until 5 minutes after that to change it.

i am feeling small and undersized.

has anyone ever dated a leprechaun?

i wish i had the ability to cry on command. you know what would be even more helpful? the ability to vomit on command. think of all the uses!

so, i ran a marathon sunday. i ran 26.2 miles. in 5 hours 45 minutes. as i didn't decide to try to run until 3 weeks before hand, i am pretty gosh darn proud of myself.

in related news, i am also sore as two whores on prom night and my left knee has put in for a transfer. i am ready for my next marathon!


me and my sister jocelyn after the race with our medals!

me, lydia, and jocelyn before the race!

people constantly amaze me by their willingness to torture themselves, i am clearly no exception.

The Art of Making Lemonade Out of Liver

there will be no resting on laurels here.

all vacations must come to an end. they have to. or else they’d be called life.

i'm not sure kids should be allowed on airplanes. i understand this might be a better alternative to driving kids for their parents, but i'm not certain my ear drums will ever be the same.

i am now only announcing our imminent death to the passengers within ear shot. i feel this is an improvement over my previous behavior of screaming it to the entire plane.

i hate sitting by the engine. i don't want to be the first to know when it falls off the plane...

there are some people who should not be allowed on boats. mainly because the urge to push them over the railing it too strong.

the plane does not have room to accommodate your plant.

i hate the smell of desperation.

i would like to be paid. just, because.

don't fart in elevators.

sometimes i wish i were a kid again, if only to walk around disney dressed as “belle.”

i've always wanted to be a part of a festive brouhaha.

i might be too insecure for social networking.

who left the scotch out?

i cannot offer proof of life.

don't tell me i can't do something. i don't want to have to go through the trouble to prove you wrong. i'm too damn lazy.

i never do my hair. i just wash it, wake up, and hope for the best.

i happen to excel at doing nothing.

if you happen to see it, please return it.

i will never understand michael vicks.

i will also never understand mike tyson, but he has that whole lisp, high-pitched voice thing to contend with.

i love hearing about people's shit. just not from the people themselves. they always give their drama a positive spin.

i've been thinking about growing out my bangs, but then i'd have to face my forehead every morning.

sometimes i don't have that satisfied feeling that comes from accomplishing something huge.

does that mean it wasn’t huge after all?

while i do not have anything of any particular value, today i am finding myself particularly territorial over my desk.

lost in translation. translated into french.

sometimes i fear i have become invisible.

hello?

anyone?

can you even read this?

Fuck.

i managed to make it 4 days on a slippery wet boat, wearing slippery flip flops, and not slip one single time. however, in tennis shoes, on land and in sunshine i manage to slip at least 4 times. touché sneakers.

the louder the horn, the slower i move.

i have been working very hard to not do one single thing. so far, so good.

disney in the rain, is still disney.

why does beer taste so damn good?

if you're bored, than you're boring. or at least, you're probably boring to me.

finding seltzer in the south is like finding jesus in your toast, highly unlikely and extremely suspect.

(My apologizes to Jesus if he has, in fact, appeared in toast.)

The Art of Catching Fly Balls with Your Fly Down

nothing says "hit me" like a "baby on board" car decal.

i think shopping for bathing suits has to be one of the most horrific experiences women have to endure. worse than roller coasters. i just don't understand why dressing rooms have to have mirrors...or lights...

i'm feeling unproductive.

i don't get fashion. didn't the 80's already happen?

you wanna hit me, hit me, you wanna leave, there's the door, i honestly don't give a shit anymore.

do you ever find yourself stressing about getting a project done at work and then find yourself wondering why? the only thing that lies at the end of this project is another more annoying project, and so you play bejeweled instead? no? me either.

i am doing something stupid in 17 days. fingers crossed.

i hate writing "matthew" i always feel weird crossing the "t's" do you cross with one line? but there is two t's - is it fair to the other t? but two lines look weird...best to avoid the whole situation.

i like being a bit crass every now and then, but there is a time and place.

the art isn't in the photograph, but in the taking of the photograph.

and i wonder, still i wonder, who stopped the rain?

who's train is that?

i had a doctor that once thought i was being abused. when i used to be vegan, i bruised really easily. like, touch my arm and it would bruise kinda bruising. so i had some marks on my arms and he was worried. sweet of him yes, but completely unnecessary. i was like, honestly, if someone hit me, everyone would know about it. i would never shut up about it. i would probably have t-shirts made and try to get a book deal out of the incident....and, if we are being completely realistic here, there is a good chance that person would be far worse off than i. i may be tiny, but i'm scrappy.

let this be a warning to you all.

how do you know if you're annoying someone?

i hate photographic evidence.

i smell doom. it smells like burped up apple juice.

how many scales are too many scales?

i need someone else to do my shopping.

go see star trek. i am in love with spock. just sayin'

vegas. ve-gas. veg-ass. vague ass.

i am about to be touched by some guys hot dog. no, that is not a sex euphemism. literally. this guy is now touching me with his hot dog. a fucking hot fucking dog.

I wish my stomach and my mouth could agree on what they want to eat.

people who know baseball stats freak me out. I fucking love the game, don't get me wrong, but knowing who pitched a no-hitter in 1987 does not impress or even interest me. now, if you wanna have a chat about santana...i can go all night...and i have...sorry for that.

i guess i just lost my seat in the trivia night bowl.

i think i have been listening to too much baseball. i am now announcing my routine in my head as i prepare for work as if it was a METS at bat...."and she stops at her drawers, what is she gunna choose, will it be the red shirt? that one sometimes bunches up and has been giving her a problem, or will she go with the blue shirt. now that blue shirt has been worn 4 times out of the last 20 days, so that shirt has very high odds. ok....it looks like she made a decision....and it's...THE BLUE SHIRT! OHMYGOD SHE CHOOSE THE BLUE SHIRT!!! this one is sure to be a crowd pleaser...wow, that was pretty intense!"

i need a life.

what's with women who carry victoria's secret pink shopping bags around with them everywhere? are we supposed to be impressed that you got 5 panties for $20 at some point? and if so, why must you keep informing the world? is this to illicit a sexual response? it actually elicits more of a gagging response in me.

umm even though you can't see my eyes behind my shades, i can see yours. stop staring.

there are people i would do anything for. there are people i would do anything for as long as it gets them to leave.

the difference is in the word.

look, i don't like heights. i am short. short people are used to being closer to the ground and when i am off the ground, i miss it. plus, short people have farther to fall when the roller coaster goes flying off the tracks.

i will not be blogging next week as i will be on a cruise. it's ok to be jealous. i am jealous of me too. minus the annoying problem of having to go shopping for summer clothing, which makes me want to grab my cozy sweaters and head to alaska - anyhoo....

sooo...as an apology, and just because i think everyone needs to see this, may i present to you, for your viewing pleasure....(headphones people - there are f bombs...but mucho worth it)

NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE ON A BOAT!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7yfISlGLNU&feature=channel

The Art of Doing the Hokey Pokey...

..and not turning yourself about, damnit!

i would like to come to fisticuffs now please.

it's not cyberstalking it's called being curious to a dangerous degree.

it's hard to play hooky when you're already there.

ok people, fess up, who made out with the swine?

the "best damn sports show" top 50 best plays ever, just made me tear up a bit.

once again, i have surprised everyone by behaving exactly as i always have.

i am so mysterious.

i am sure i am forgetting something important here.

i doubt i will live up to anyone's low expectations.

best thing about national pandemic? one cough gets you more room on the subway.

also, those surgical face masks are ridiculous. i saw a woman in a black dress and pearls wearing one this morning. it made my day.

the spark of creation feels an awful lot like heartburn.

if you are talking out loud to someone for more than 5 minutes, and you have gotten no response, perhaps your next course of action should be to shut the fuck up!

wow. seems like somebody is already drunk.

you are so irritating you make my hair follicles hurt.

people always say don't live life with regret, but regret tastes so much like chocolate, i find it hard to let go.

i want to make this blog more of a collaborative one. insert your own joke here. hope you feel better now.

i love TV nerds.

i'm cheating on you with baseball.

it is a challenge to keep stroking the egos of those in the wrong.

while i like to stand during the national anthem, i don't see how having a cold head will show respect to my country.

especially if you get a look at the bad hair day that is happening underneath most hats. in some cases, perhaps more respect could be had if the hats were kept on.

you can repeat yourself as many time as you like, but until you tell me what you actually need, i will be unable to assist you.

i think taking allergy medicine, tylenol pm and valium must be what being inside a bubble feels like.

never joke with a man in a suit.

you're not the boss of me.

i am always half-way to gone.

and remember kids, when in doubt, bite someone.