The Art of Picking a Pack of Fickle Peppers

is nothing sacred to you people?

i hope not.

this is hardly the place for such a discussion.

what’s with people saying ‘holy shit’?

i mean, are we all really talking about religious poop?

as a rule of thumb, i don’t like fart or pooping humor.

but i hardly ever use my thumb to measure, so who’s to say?

for something so small, thumbs sure are a bossy bunch.

the thumb has really taken a hit since the decline of hitchhiking.

you should try to avoid mooning a police officer.

the weather makes me feisty.

and sleepy.

which really confuses those in my life.

i am morally opposed to umbrellas.

if i have to be caught, i prefer to be caught in the rain.

then everyone suffers.

even though i appreciate my personal space, i would certainly not mind if i had a professional masseuse side-kick.

i hate the kindness guilt trip.

you know the one i mean, the “i was so nice to you, but now i’m incredibly inconvenienced so you should feel bad for me, oh no, i couldn’t possibly hear of any repayment because that would take away from the massive aren’t i awesome and don’t you suck guilt trip i plan on giving you for the next 4-5 weeks”

not that this has ever happened to me.

i am excited for baseball season to start.

gives me another reason to yell really loud and drink beer at the same time.

america’s pastime indeed.

once when i was working at a restaurant i got a note from a drunk guy written on the check. the note said “my name is mike, my heart was recently broken. i'm looking for someone that i can treat like a princess....or just stick my dick in...you can decide. call me at ###-####”

i did not call him (shocking, right ladies?) but i thought the note was sweet.

men really know how to romance a girl, don’t they?

this week in jenna theatre – jenna is running on the treadmill. some guy comes up next to her and looks over at jenna’s pace. he’s decked out in what looks like brand new shoes and goes through his stretching routine, clearly having missed the deodorant routine and looks back at jenna’s treadmill again. he sets his to the same speed and incline. jenna is doing interval training today so she increases her speed. the man next to her sees this and increases his speed. jenna then lowers her speed for recovery, the man does the same. this is repeated several times. he is clearly not able to run the same workout as jenna, but that is not stopping him from trying. he is now panting and sweating and half hunched over, holding onto the sides of the treadmill, swearing. normally, this wouldn’t have bothered jenna, except he kept leaning over her treadmill bars to look at her speed. annoyed and eager to finish her workout, jenna ramps up the speed to knock out the last few minutes and the man does the same. if he was having trouble before, this was a new level of hell for him. suddenly, the speed wins and the man goes flying off the back of the treadmill in the most beautiful turn of events.

sometimes things work out better than you ever could have hoped for.

and sometimes, even a little bit better.

The Art of Forgetting What You Forgot

the minute you realize you don’t have anything, is the minute you realize you need something.

sometimes something is better than nothing, but nothing can be better than everything.

so, something has to change.

change can only come in twos.

or is it threes? i was never very good at math.

or clichés.

although everyone knows i spend my days swimming in them.

i guess that’s why they’re clichés.

such a clichéd response.

never fear, before you know it, i will probably change my mind.

i hope you don’t mind.

sometimes i fear i’ve lost my damn mind again.

well, i guess if you’ve lost your mind, you can’t really mind much after that.

mind over matter only matters when the matter is simply in your mind.

am i making too much sense for an early morning commute?

don’t worry, it’s all in your mind.

i think my mind’s eye might need glasses.

the future is blurry.

hindsight is rarely 20/20, despite what your optometrist might try to tell you, it is clouded with regret and hope, which only makes sense in your mind.

so never mind, on to happier thoughts.

i always seem to be around people when they are feeling the most like farting.

i know this because i am constantly smoked out of subways and elevators.

some would think of this as a curse.

i would agree.

or, if you were a glass half full kinda person, you could look at it like a continuing epidemic where people feel completely at ease around me and trust me with their natural gases.

but then again, when have i ever been a half glass full kinda person?

just the other day i was thinking to myself that i haven’t been inadvertently flashed in awhile.

what is this world coming to?

you’re going soft on me new york.

no pun intended.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is getting a wrap from the deli where she goes for lunch several times a week. the man behind the deli counter, marcus, is excited to see jenna when she appears.
marcus – hello! how are you today? i’ve missed you! what will it be, the usual?
jenna – yup, sounds great!
marcus – so that white bread..
jenna – no whole wheat wrap..
marcus – (interrupting) oh right, sorry, pastrami, tomato…
jenna – umm no, actually turkey, lettuce…
marcus – (interrupting) oh, right i got you now
(starts to pull out pickles)
jenna – no pickles, just spicy mustard and oil and vinegar.
marcus – and ranch right?
jenna – no…
marcus – southwest sauce?
jenna – nope just mustard.
marcus – ok (finishes wrap) it will be a few minutes for the fries.
jenna – i’m good….
marcus – oh that’s right, no fries! ok, well, see you tomorrow!

i wonder who he thinks i am.

The Art of Delaying Deadly Farts in Public

do you ever have delayed moments of greatness?

how come people say, ‘i'm all ears’ when clearly that is not the case?

why doesn’t anybody ever say ‘i'm all eyes’?

maybe deaf people do.

i've lost it.

don't tell me it's somewhere. i looked somewhere and i didn't find it.

the funny thing about going somewhere over the rainbow is that it’s still the same fucking place it was before, except this time, there’s a rainbow in your way.

what goes up, must come down.

ever hear of a little thing called gravity?

suck it, dorthy.

now if you want to go somewhere above the rainbow, that’s another story.

there is a woman at my work who laughs at everything i say.

while i know i can be outrageously funny, i don’t think i’m that funny all the time.

when does a complement become mockery?

when does mockery become a complement again?

don't you hate when things can come full circle and you can do nothing to stop it?

i'm all for the circle of life, i just hate to think that that circle includes poop.

it does, don't fucking kid yourself.

i think the old man i'm sitting next to right now might have started that cycle of life in his pants.

never joke about self-defecation.

it is not nearly as charming as self-deprecation, and a whole helluvalot smellier.

i can’t help but laugh at myself now and then.

people say it’s good for the soul.

i laughed out at myself on the subway yesterday after i managed to fall down the last stairway and someone yelled at me to get serious about subway safety.

i told them if there was anything in this world, i was serious about, it was subway safety.

perhaps this would be a good time to revisit my silent theme.

it's hard to get serious on your own.

if you want a seriously good time, then perhaps love is not in your game plan.

it’s always about the games when the heart is involved, best to leave it out of the equation.

i hate when people tell me to get a game plan when i'm not playing a game.

it’s called a GAME plan for a reason.

hit me up when i'm playing freakin monopoly or table tennis, not when i'm trying to decide what to order for lunch.

then it's not a game plan, it's a lunch plan.

you can plan all you want, but things rarely go as planned.

things can only go off without a hitch, when people change their minds.

and, as one who's seen the game plan, i know.

i’m not left expecting much.

although, i do wish my microsoft office would stop changing the font on me randomly.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is trying to make it through her life as a red-head the day of st. patrick's day. in the elevator for work, a man starts to talk to jenna.
man – so, big day for you, huh?
jenna – excuse me?
man – your people’s big day. planning on joining the parade?
jenna – oh. i’m not irish, but i wish i could see the parade.
man – you’re not irish, but you have red hair.
jenna – yea….l’oreal
man – oh, so you got your hair from your mother? was she irish?
jenna – oh. no. it’s…what?
man – and green eyes…
jenna – well, those are natural.
man – have you started drinking yet? i hear most people are bringing guinness to work today.
jenna – wish i had thought of that…
man – hey you’re not wearing green! does this mean people can pinch you?

you can’t always get what you want, but sometimes you can get what you need, if what you need is gentle harassment and lots of moments of awkwardness.

(on a personal note, to the man who has meant so much, i raise my glass of vodka and say nostoriva, may you finally have peace, you will be missed, dopóki nie spotkamy sie ponownie)

The Art of Steal Poker Pieces from Puppies

just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

shoulda, coulda, woulda,

didn't.

i miss you when you're away.

i wish i had a piece of you to remind me of you.

like a thumb.

or kidney.

or a heart.

nothing says i love you like a vital organ.

take another little piece of my heart, i’m trying not to eat that much chocolate anymore.

we can only find peace and quiet if you stop screaming at me.

i’m not sure we can ever have world peace. some people are just hot wired to start a war, even if it’s a war for peace.

i would go to war for a piece of the pie.

try not to fall to pieces, i don’t want to have to sweep up the mess. i’m no domestic diva.

i guess you don’t really fall to pieces. the best you can hope for is breaking into pieces if you fall hard enough.

enough of this foolishness.

enough is enough, which really means it isn’t too much, it’s simply enough.

most people don’t know what too much is.

too much is not good enough for some people.

most people know when there’s too much of a good thing, only when it becomes a bad thing.

if it becomes a bad thing, was it ever really a good thing?

or is that just all in our imaginations.

i wish i could walk around with a signed note from my elementary school teachers saying they never taught me grammar and spelling.

it’s all fine and good to try to teach kids organically and let them figure shit out on their own, but then when they are adults, they shouldn’t be held accountable.

i never won a spelling bee, but i did kick stacy’s ass in 5th grade.

give a little, take a little.

i wish my life was a musical. sometimes what i feel can only be expressed in song.

and if you can’t hold a tune, you will be fired from the show.

i have standards.

even if they are low.

it would really make my morning commute less crowded, and a lot more peaceful.

peace is in the eye of the beholder.

much like beer.

although the author of this blog does not recommend putting beer in your eye, and will not be held responsible for any stupidity that anybody around her might possess.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is at a popular bookstore buying a book. at the checkout she encounters a clerk with an interesting sales tactic.
clerk – are you a *bookstore* member? you can save 10% today.
jenna – oh, no thank you.
clerk – total is $40.95
jenna – woa, wait, why is that so much?
clerk – it’s the membership.
jenna – but, i didn’t want it.
clerk – but you SAVE 10% today and every day after!
jenna – i’m good.
clerk – (getting angry) you buy books right?
jenna – yes, but not always here.
clerk – well, would you say you buy more than five books a year here?
jenna – i’m running late, i don’t want the membership, how much for my book?
clerk – well, i already charged you for the membership and i can’t undo it.
jenna – are you serious.
clerk – i have to call a manager. are you sure you don’t just want it?
jenna – i don’t want it, and if i did want it, i certainly wouldn’t buy it from you.
clerk – fine. your total is $14.95.
jenna – thank you…by the way, that was pretty ballsy. nice.
clerk – (laughing) i had to try.
jenna – for sure. does it actually work?
clerk – sometimes (hands jenna her bag) have a good day!
jenna – you too, good luck.

it’s all in how the pieces fall.

As the wise man, jimmy buffett says, “if we weren’t all crazy, we would go insane.”

The Art of Falling Face First

i’m not a fan of being chased.

i'm not deep, i'm sea-level.

well, most of the time anyway.

i'm not sure it's a fear of heights, as much as a fear of distortion.

in all my years, i've grown quite used to the earth looking a certain way.

no need to change that now.

did you know there is a difference between broil and boil?

i'm suffering from hips-don't-lie syndrome.

i dreamt i was in paris, which was a vast improvement over the r train.

i have to go to the dentist today. i hate knowing i'm going to have to lie to someone later.

oh come on, who has time to floss twice a day?

when i first moved to brooklyn, ny i had a car that was filled with my clothes that i was slowly moving into my new apartment. i woke up early one morning for brunch and went outside to find my car had been broken into. my clothes were strewn all over the sidewalk, but none were taken, which completely offended me. what was taken was a case of seltzer and an open can of mixed nuts lightly salted. they also organized all of my sunglasses on the front seat and my glove compartment, which was nice of them. the police seemed confused.

guess i gotta take one for the team.

i hate that expression.

what fucking team?

i was never picked for any team.

have i been placed on this team without my knowledge?

was i picked last for this team?

do we have a uniform that i need to buy or will shirts be provided at a later date?

i was only aware of being on my own team. a team of me.

you shouldn't bring me up on a first date.

me first.

first come, first served. even if you’re not wearing shoes or a shirt.

first things first. of course, first things first. if they weren’t supposed to be first, then they wouldn’t be the first things. they would be the second things.

i hate when people say, first of all, but neglect to follow up with a second or third. if there is only one of all, then there is only all.

being first born just means you always get older first.

first comes love, then comes marriage, but let’s stop that right now, shall we?

if at first you don’t succeed, quit that nonsense. seriously. persistence is for the birds.

first place is just last place backwards.

who’s on first? who cares? bring me a beer.

baby’s first steps? who cares? talk to me when baby becomes an astrophysicist. now that shit is impressive.

this week in jenna theatre – jenna is at the elevator to go up to the dentist. a man starts to make small talk with jenna.
man – what floor?
jenna – 16th
man – i think that’s the dentist’s floor
jenna – yup
man – oh i hate the dentist.
jenna – me too, terrified.
man – that’s why i haven’t been in 12 years.
jenna – woa
man – yup. you won’t catch me at the dentist ever.
jenna – 12 years, that’s rough
man – well, when i was there they told me i needed to have two teeth removed and that i had some cavities that they would need to fill. i said hell no, and ran outta there.
jenna – umm….that seems kind of serious…no?
man – naa, can’t be true…it’s all a ploy for the government to get my money
jenna – oh…ok…(16th floor, jenna steps off) uh, good luck with that i guess?

there’s something to be said for making a good first impression.

that would not be it.

The Art of Awkward - Year One

it's true, the art of awkward turns one today. so many ups and so many downs. but even if you just joined jenna on this awkward ride, you should know that she has been awkward for a very long time. a very long, long time. jenna was an awkward baby.
baby 1 - waaahhhh
baby 2 - wah wah
baby jenna - shhhhh

even back then she held a disdain for small children, preferring to keep to the company of adults and discuss kerouac, which most people only pretend to have read.
jenna (age 5)- "kerouac's writings reflect a frenetic, restless pursuit of new sensation and experience, and a disdain for the conventional measures of economic and social success…" thoughts?
sarah - lollipop?

kindergarten was very trying indeed. following an awkward growth spurt where she reached her full height in 6th grade and then proceeded to grow no more, jenna's awkwardness began to blossom in high school, where jenna found it difficult to remain upright (stupid walking) or socially adrift as bluntness often caused her some drama. she spent many a lunch with her effeminate drama teacher who needed an outlet to share his childhood traumas.
drama teacher - so, basically i haven’t talked to my mother in 20 years, ever since i came out and she tried to beat me with a spoon.
jenna (teen)- ok then, soo, do you want me to enter stage left or stage right?

some could even say that jenna became fully aware of her tendencies to attract random people who wished to talk to her, no matter their age or social rank then. as she moved into adulthood, jenna discovered a whole new set of awkwardness, such as, how much information was too much information to share on an interview?
jenna - so, i guess i first became interested in micro-brews when i was working as a beer goddess. there are some amazing beers out there, not that coors or miller isn’t a good beer to drink, or anything. but if you get some of these other beers, you will notice a big difference…have you had triple horse? what! you haven’t tried triple horse yet? are you out of your mind? leave…leave now and go and try this beer…screw it, i’ll come with you….

or should she leave the room while her professor breaks down and starts crying over her recent divorce during office hours?
professor - i loved him, you know? i loved him (sobbing)
jenna - aw, i’m sure you did…um….do you want, like, a moment (woman hugs jenna) oh, ok…
professor - he just left me…just left….

questions like these plagued jenna throughout the years the answers were often times awkward. it would seem obvious that with jenna’s natural abilities with people, she would be a natural in the world of waitressing.
jenna - can i take your order?
girl - do you have any spaghetti?
jenna - this is a mexican restaurant
girl - but what i really want is spaghetti and meatballs.
jenna - and i want a million dollars but it ain’t gunna happen here…

needless to say, she had great success as a waitress, but seeing how her tips went straight to paying her bar bill, decided her college education was better put to use at another job. a job where she had to ride the subway to and from work everyday, where her special ability to attract amazing people really came to fruition.
jenna - sir please zip up your pants
subway man - awww mama, you no fun!

baby - (staring at jenna)
jenna - (looking around)
baby - (staring at jenna)
jenna - (starting to freak out because a the baby is still staring at her)
baby - (still staring at jenna)
jenna - (changes subway cars at the next station)

through it all, jenna has tried to remain true to her falling off curbs, society questioning ways that has made awkward what it is today….

don’t be offended…it’s not like i know you.

hope you will hang around for another awkward year.

The Art of the Morose Moose

sometimes things don't workout like you want them too.

sometimes things don't workout period.

sometimes i forget to workout.

and by forget i mean leave my gym bag at home in favor of a sexy take-out bag from last night’s late night mexican binge.

have i said too much?

when does too much become not enough?

when does not enough become a reason to leave?

when does leaving become impossible due to the fact that there is simply too much stuff?

does the fact that there is too much to do play into stuff not working out?

every one's got stuff.

sometimes you can see the stuff and sometimes you know it’s there, just by the way the person moves their mouth.

you can’t fight off what you can’t see.

leave your stuff on the counter, someone will be along to take it away.

fill your brain with useless stuff.

isn't that what college was for?

i've lived too long in vagueness.

let's talk about something more concrete.

it's not rocket science, it's just collating.

today i’m existing on a whisper.

it is amazing how many things a person can actually fall off of. i should know. i’ve tried most of them.

being klutzy is an art form.

this week in jenna theatre – jenna is in a changing room at macy's in new york city. next to her is a dad and daughter trying on dresses. the following occurred while jenna was inside her changing stall.
dad – are you sure you don’t want me to come in there with you?
daughter – yes dad, sheesh, there is not enough room for two people.
dad – ok. let me see the first dress.
daughter – i look fat.
dad – let me see.
(door opening)
dad – oh honey, you don’t look fat. you look sexy. you have sexy curves. your mother used to have sexy curves like that when i first fell in love with her. men love curves.
daughter – i don’t know. i’m not sure this type of dress works for me.
dad – you’re just saying that because i picked it out. here try this one.
daughter – but dad my chest is too big to not wear a bra!
dad – guys hate bras. just let me see you in it.
daughter – fine.
(a little later)
dad – are you coming out?
daughter – i think i look like a hooker.
dad – let me see.
(door opens)
dad – you don’t look trashy at all. you look so sexy. really, really sexy.
daughter – you think?
dad – oh yes, yes i do….

and this is why i hate to go shopping.