who doesn't have call waiting in this day and age? don’t you know i’m trying to call?
how is it possible that i refill the ice tray in the morning, only to return hours later to find one piece of ice remaining, thus forcing me to fill it again?
every. single. day.
i'm suspicious of anyone who claims to be a fan of math.
can you ride in the hov lane with a dog in the front seat?
hov lanes seem designed to destroy your self-esteem. you are being punished for not having friends.
isn’t that what the high-school cafeteria was for?
it’s hard to be edgy in a cardigan.
he who carries an umbrella, expects rain.
i wish life were like a baseball game.
can't start work just yet, rain-delay.
it's hard to turn down work when you need money.
it's hard to work when the best things in life are free.
i’d ask for my money back, but where would that get me?
oh, i'm sorry, is my limp offending you?
i shall limp in your face, you walking bastards.
i might grab a couple of kernels on my way back there.
kernels. not colonels.
it smells like crack in here. or cheerios.
i’m not complaining. i’m just making an observation.
how am i supposed to support someone, when the only support i’d like to give them is a hand to help them stand after i knock them the fuck out?
doubting thomas. doubting jenna.
i learned about toads this week.
am i supposed to be able to feel my feet?
wearing a trench coat makes me feel like i should be flashing someone.
i wore my glasses today at work. everyone commented on how smart i looked. and then they told me i looked like sarah palin. i feel confused by these remarks.
i put on my glasses and proceeded to walk directly into a trash can.
this was the highlight of my day.
sometimes i feel like my life is one gigantic product placement.
if you are not able to see patients in the time they are scheduled, then perhaps you should rethink your scheduling policy. 3 ½ hours is not a reasonable waiting time.
especially when all you are going to do is give me bad news.
this week, in jenna theatre - jenna is on the subway heading home after a long day of work. her head is pounding from staring at a computer screen all day and listening to people whistle around the office. she just wants a moment of peace. at the first stop, a child and his mother step on the train. no sooner do the doors close, the son begins screaming and running up and down the car. he comes over to jenna and grabs at her magazine, which she pulls away from his sticky hands. unhappy, he screams in her face, jumps on the seat next to her and starts stomping his thomas the tank sneakered feet and jumping up and down screaming some sort of song at the top of his lungs.
mother (to jenna) – isn’t he adorable?
jenna (to mother) - no.
the heart wants what the body can’t provide.
nothing is more disappointing than realizing that all you have accomplished is to fail with a rapid speed.
and you my friend have failed to cover up your penis.