The Art of Simple Service Center Debates

i hate when people only offer advice after it’s too late.

thanks?

i'm going to start offering unsolicited random advice and not offer any explanation.

always turn left.

are you really that bitter, or are you just jealous?

i am a mighty crab.

apparently, i lack good communication skills. i find this surprising as i'm pretty sure i communicate well enough to let people know to back the fuck off.

i usually achieve this by saying to them, back the fuck off.

there is an art to simplicity.

i had my hand out waiting for my ticket to dispense at the train station and someone handed me a quarter.

i would like a dollar please…maybe even one of those nifty 50s.

i like to follow the rules, but i will cross against the street against a do not walk sign with no remorse.

i find wind advisories unnecessary.

wind is kind of hard not to notice.

especially when it’s blowing.

it’s not my fault i do it better.

you say i'm competitive like it's a bad thing.

sometimes you win, sometimes the vodka wins. it's a risk i'm willing to take.

cell phones are designed for exhibitionists.

don't drink and type. you'll spend hours trying to figure out what the hell you wrote.

not that that has ever happened to me…

usually i’m utterly useless, but today i have reached new heights.

this calls for a celebration. but i’m not in the mood to plan anything, so you’ll have to set it up.

why is it when you tell people you have allergies, it always relates back to them and their allergies? or their friends allergies? or their cats allergies?

these are the same people who find ways to relate everything to a seinfeld episode. if i didn’t watch the episodes when they were on, why on earth would i want you to reenact them for me now?

a disappointing lunch can ruin your day.

consider my day ruined.

i’m getting sick of all these grain breads; we got 3 grain, 5 grain, 8 grain, 150 grain.

i hate all this bread-guilt.

it's not that I have a problem with being wrong; it's that i'm never wrong.

don’t have a fiber overdose on a road trip.

i can now say i have heard a grown man in a suit order a woo woo with a straight face.

this week in jenna theatre, while jenna is a the mets game waiting in line to buy a beer, some kids begin to try to talk to her after she cheers on a hit.
kid 1 – about time huh?
jenna – yeah. better late then never!
kid 2 – you look really familiar.
jenna – oh?
kid 2 – i think i know you. do you live in queens?
jenna – yea.
kid 2 – i thought so. i think you live near me.
jenna – huh, small world. (tries to go back to watching the game)
kid 1 – i love baseball. hot girls don’t normally like baseball. it’s pretty cool.
jenna – um well, uh…they’re missing out…
kid 2 – yeah girls at our school are pretty lame
kid 1 – can i get your number?
jenna – haha, i think i’m a little bit older than you think i am. and what are you guys, like 12?
kid 1 – well, i’m 14.
kid 2 – how old are you?
jenna – how old do i look?
kid 2 – 15?
jenna – haha, i’m a little older than that...(steps up to order her beer, and turns around to leave) thanks anyways guys…

whenever i hear someone shout “oh my god!” i automatically think someone is naked.

that's just how i roll.

ahhh, bread guilt strikes again.