i have a problem with mouth wash.
the bottle sizes are irrational.
i have yet to possess a medicine cabinet where one of those big fuckers fit.
i hate the way mouth wash burns.
and if it doesn’t burn, how do i know it’s really mouthwash?
you never know who wants to talk about pee.
a bus ride with more that 2 people talking to themselves in more than 2 languages?
that's what you call win win.
i think i was just your placeholder.
i hate when i like something i swore to hate.
makes me hate it all over again.
i guess it completes the cycle.
you won’t hear that shit on lion king.
i’m not interested in making sense.
maybe i should read this over when i’m not on muscle relaxers.
hello sidewalk.
where would be the fun in that?
that girl was a barrel of monkeys.
monkey see monkey do.
has anyone ever had sea monkeys?
remember when they used to try to sell those in the back of magazines?
i always wanted a sea monkey.
until i realized it wasn’t actually a monkey.
now i just want a monkey.
but i digress.
monkey is one k away from money.
the more you know.
this week in jenna theatre…how jenna fell on the sidewalk.
jenna was walking from the bus stop to school in a slight bit of a rush, when she decided that instead of waiting for the ok to walk sign she would dart across the street. now most of you might be thinking, well this is how she fell. no this is not. she quickly dashed across the street, dodging passing cabs that seemed out to get her in what felt like a crazy version of frogger. once she was safely across the street she dodged a group of fast walking business men sliding under an awning. she continued down the slippery sidewalk, avoiding the icy patches the salters had just missed. the final crossing of the street came and she lost her balance for a second but quickly regained her composure to complete the trek. as she went to enter the turnstile doors she tripped over her own two feet and proceeded to face plant directly into the glass doors that someone was trying to turn at that exact moment. reeling from the fall, she quickly stepped back and lost her balance, falling on a patch of ice on the sidewalk.
sigh.
what can ya do?
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
The Art of Making Dinner on the Run
is it better to just forget the past and move on?
if you forget the past did it even happen?
if no one talks about it and a tree falls down in the middle of it, does it make a sound?
i am feeling too fucking inquisitive for one blog.
is there a way to get what you want without having to do something you don’t want?
for instance, right now i want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
but what i don’t want is to have to get up.
or get the bread out.
or put the peanut butter on the bread, followed by the equally annoying jelly task.
then you have to put all that shit away.
and depending on the type of person you are, you might have to use two knives.
or a knife and a spoon.
whatever.
i don’t judge.
and because i am one of those people, i would have to use a knife for the peanut butter and then a separate utensil for the jelly.
while they combine on the sandwich, never should the two combine in the jar.
i also freeze my bread so i’d have to toast that bad boy up.
which means getting the toaster out.
wow i waste a lot of time thinking about things.
i guess i’m the thinking man’s drinker.
this is why i don’t cook.
all you have to do is open the beer and you’re done.
i will wait for instant gratification.
and how strong is your tie to onions?
mine is weak at best.
i hate awkward bathroom eye contact.
fellas back me up here.
i mean, true i don’t have to see anyone’s junk but i'll know if you just took a smelly shit and i think that can be just as bad.
don't look at me.
i’m feeling anti you today.
but on the plus side i am feeling very pro me.
and very pro boobs.
which is convenient.
this week in jenna theatre, jenna was on the train heading to see a movie when two things happened at the same time. first she realized she was heading in the wrong direction and two the train stopped and was being evacuated. as she realized she needed to get the train going downtown she started to run back into the station, that now had smoke pouring out of it.
cta worker – yo, girl, you can’t go in there. the trains on fire.
jenna – ok, but that’s just the uptown train right?
cta – right.
jenna – so there is no fire on the downtown trains.
cta – the station is being shut down.
jenna – ok, but can i just run in there and hop on the downtown train?
cta – you see the smoke?
jenna – yea…
Cta – then no you cannot.
jenna – how bad is the fire?
cta – you really want to jump on a burning train?
jenna – hmmm
cta - really?
jenna - not really…ok, i’ll figure something out..ummm…thanks…and good luck with the whole fire thing.
yes ladies and gentlemen, i became one of “those people.”
i wouldn’t dish it out if i couldn’t take it.
but i’m still not making a fucking peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
if you forget the past did it even happen?
if no one talks about it and a tree falls down in the middle of it, does it make a sound?
i am feeling too fucking inquisitive for one blog.
is there a way to get what you want without having to do something you don’t want?
for instance, right now i want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
but what i don’t want is to have to get up.
or get the bread out.
or put the peanut butter on the bread, followed by the equally annoying jelly task.
then you have to put all that shit away.
and depending on the type of person you are, you might have to use two knives.
or a knife and a spoon.
whatever.
i don’t judge.
and because i am one of those people, i would have to use a knife for the peanut butter and then a separate utensil for the jelly.
while they combine on the sandwich, never should the two combine in the jar.
i also freeze my bread so i’d have to toast that bad boy up.
which means getting the toaster out.
wow i waste a lot of time thinking about things.
i guess i’m the thinking man’s drinker.
this is why i don’t cook.
all you have to do is open the beer and you’re done.
i will wait for instant gratification.
and how strong is your tie to onions?
mine is weak at best.
i hate awkward bathroom eye contact.
fellas back me up here.
i mean, true i don’t have to see anyone’s junk but i'll know if you just took a smelly shit and i think that can be just as bad.
don't look at me.
i’m feeling anti you today.
but on the plus side i am feeling very pro me.
and very pro boobs.
which is convenient.
this week in jenna theatre, jenna was on the train heading to see a movie when two things happened at the same time. first she realized she was heading in the wrong direction and two the train stopped and was being evacuated. as she realized she needed to get the train going downtown she started to run back into the station, that now had smoke pouring out of it.
cta worker – yo, girl, you can’t go in there. the trains on fire.
jenna – ok, but that’s just the uptown train right?
cta – right.
jenna – so there is no fire on the downtown trains.
cta – the station is being shut down.
jenna – ok, but can i just run in there and hop on the downtown train?
cta – you see the smoke?
jenna – yea…
Cta – then no you cannot.
jenna – how bad is the fire?
cta – you really want to jump on a burning train?
jenna – hmmm
cta - really?
jenna - not really…ok, i’ll figure something out..ummm…thanks…and good luck with the whole fire thing.
yes ladies and gentlemen, i became one of “those people.”
i wouldn’t dish it out if i couldn’t take it.
but i’m still not making a fucking peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
The Art of Telling Someone They Got Fat
is it better to sink or to swim?
i suppose it depends on the crocodiles.
i hate to be lied to about my food.
i hate lying to my food.
i hate when my food just lies there.
i hate the word lay.
unless i’m getting laid.
people need to relax more.
it’s just a joke after all.
who doesn’t love a good cup of guilt?
watching the news is like playing russian roulette.
i would not like to be a fly on the wall.
always trust a woman’s intuition.
never trust my sense of direction.
sometimes you’re the fly and sometimes you’re the wall.
you know, i’m still curious about those mints.
in most airports i'd be considered a suspicious package.
is that a suspicious package, or are you just happy to see me?
never gets old.
everyone gets old.
do you ever feel like your mind is stuck on a continuous loop, like one of those old school record players that keeps going round and round and round until you just want to scream or bitch slap whoever invented the fucking thing in the first place, and then find yourself standing there panting like some kind of hyped up coked-out chihuahua thinking what the fuck happened to me and how did i get here?
no?
me either.
motivation sucks.
this week in jenna theatre, jenna has been working at the library to help pay for her schooling. she is putting books away when a woman comes up to ask for assistance.
woman – i’m looking for a book.
jenna – sure, no problem, what book are you looking for.
woman – it’s for class. dr. (name has been removed) class
jenna – ok, do you have the title of the book?
woman – it’s on the syllabus.
jenna – ok, just going to need the name of the book and i can find it for you.
woman – i’ll be right back. (comes back ) 350.
jenna – is the name of the book?
woman – no the class number.
jenna – oh, i just need the name of the book then i can help you out.
woman – (goes away and comes back) it’s by barton.
jenna – the book is by barton? and the name of the book is….(jenna types in last name and see’s 100’s of listings) i have a lot of books by barton.
woman – it’s for the 350 class.
jenna – oh ok (pretending to type) i see it, oooo sorry i think it’s been checked out…but i’m leaving here in 5 minutes, so maybe you should check back with one of the other librarians ok?
i really need to stay away from customer service.
don't call it a comeback.
i suppose it depends on the crocodiles.
i hate to be lied to about my food.
i hate lying to my food.
i hate when my food just lies there.
i hate the word lay.
unless i’m getting laid.
people need to relax more.
it’s just a joke after all.
who doesn’t love a good cup of guilt?
watching the news is like playing russian roulette.
i would not like to be a fly on the wall.
always trust a woman’s intuition.
never trust my sense of direction.
sometimes you’re the fly and sometimes you’re the wall.
you know, i’m still curious about those mints.
in most airports i'd be considered a suspicious package.
is that a suspicious package, or are you just happy to see me?
never gets old.
everyone gets old.
do you ever feel like your mind is stuck on a continuous loop, like one of those old school record players that keeps going round and round and round until you just want to scream or bitch slap whoever invented the fucking thing in the first place, and then find yourself standing there panting like some kind of hyped up coked-out chihuahua thinking what the fuck happened to me and how did i get here?
no?
me either.
motivation sucks.
this week in jenna theatre, jenna has been working at the library to help pay for her schooling. she is putting books away when a woman comes up to ask for assistance.
woman – i’m looking for a book.
jenna – sure, no problem, what book are you looking for.
woman – it’s for class. dr. (name has been removed) class
jenna – ok, do you have the title of the book?
woman – it’s on the syllabus.
jenna – ok, just going to need the name of the book and i can find it for you.
woman – i’ll be right back. (comes back ) 350.
jenna – is the name of the book?
woman – no the class number.
jenna – oh, i just need the name of the book then i can help you out.
woman – (goes away and comes back) it’s by barton.
jenna – the book is by barton? and the name of the book is….(jenna types in last name and see’s 100’s of listings) i have a lot of books by barton.
woman – it’s for the 350 class.
jenna – oh ok (pretending to type) i see it, oooo sorry i think it’s been checked out…but i’m leaving here in 5 minutes, so maybe you should check back with one of the other librarians ok?
i really need to stay away from customer service.
don't call it a comeback.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
The Art of a Martini, Shaken and Stirred
why would you ask me about pickles?
some people just look like epic tools.
i find that after doing all the necessary research, i am in fact, pro-biotics.
my kitties are not longer little balls of fun and furry love.
they are now vicious carriers of static and shock me at every opportunity.
do we really need to bring awareness to child abuse?
are there really people out there who are not aware this is happening?
looking around on the bus i realize i have no idea how to dress for winter.
seriously, am i the only one affected by static electricity?
i finally figured out the difference between affect and effect, but i forgot.
my vocabulary shrinks significantly when i have to spell.
music is like music to my soul.
you better get on the bus.
you never know when the next one will show up.
i hate study guides. they make me feel even more confused.
i am convinced my spell checker is constantly fucking with me.
it knows perfectly well what i am trying to spell.
It is cold out here.
in addition to being cold, it is also hard for a pimp.
i have trust issues, trust me.
trust no one because the truth is out there.
it will also set you free.
enjoy it while it lasts.
This week in jenna theatre, jenna is crammed into the bus with what feels like an incorrect ratio of air to people. A woman next to jenna starts trying to talk to her. despite their uncomfortably close proximity, the woman begins to yell.
WOMAN – HAVE YOU DONE ALL YOUR CHRISTMAS SHOPPING YET?
jenna – what?
WOMAN - HAVE YOU DONE YOUR CHRISTMAS SHOPPING YET?
jenna – not yet. i’ve been busy.
WOMAN – YOU BETTER GET ON THAT SOON. WHY HAVEN’T YOU DONE IT YET? THEY ARE ALL JUST WAITING TO JACK UP THE PRICES. THAT’S WHAT THEY DO. SCREW YOU OVER.
jenna – oh.
WOMAN – DO YOU NOT HAVE A MOTHER?
jenna – ummm…?
WOMAN – YOU MUST NOT HAVE A MOTHER.
jenna – i have a mother.
WOMAN – THEN YOU MUST BREAK HER HEART EVERY SINGLE DAY.
jenna – probably.
WOMAN – YOUR POOR MOTHER. YOU HAD BETT ER BUY HER A CHRISTMAS PRESENT.
jenna – i’m sorry, i can’t hear you, what?
WOMAN – YOUR POOR…
jenna – hmmm sorry, just too loud in here. oh well, my stop….
sometimes it is better to take the next bus, after all.
some people just look like epic tools.
i find that after doing all the necessary research, i am in fact, pro-biotics.
my kitties are not longer little balls of fun and furry love.
they are now vicious carriers of static and shock me at every opportunity.
do we really need to bring awareness to child abuse?
are there really people out there who are not aware this is happening?
looking around on the bus i realize i have no idea how to dress for winter.
seriously, am i the only one affected by static electricity?
i finally figured out the difference between affect and effect, but i forgot.
my vocabulary shrinks significantly when i have to spell.
music is like music to my soul.
you better get on the bus.
you never know when the next one will show up.
i hate study guides. they make me feel even more confused.
i am convinced my spell checker is constantly fucking with me.
it knows perfectly well what i am trying to spell.
It is cold out here.
in addition to being cold, it is also hard for a pimp.
i have trust issues, trust me.
trust no one because the truth is out there.
it will also set you free.
enjoy it while it lasts.
This week in jenna theatre, jenna is crammed into the bus with what feels like an incorrect ratio of air to people. A woman next to jenna starts trying to talk to her. despite their uncomfortably close proximity, the woman begins to yell.
WOMAN – HAVE YOU DONE ALL YOUR CHRISTMAS SHOPPING YET?
jenna – what?
WOMAN - HAVE YOU DONE YOUR CHRISTMAS SHOPPING YET?
jenna – not yet. i’ve been busy.
WOMAN – YOU BETTER GET ON THAT SOON. WHY HAVEN’T YOU DONE IT YET? THEY ARE ALL JUST WAITING TO JACK UP THE PRICES. THAT’S WHAT THEY DO. SCREW YOU OVER.
jenna – oh.
WOMAN – DO YOU NOT HAVE A MOTHER?
jenna – ummm…?
WOMAN – YOU MUST NOT HAVE A MOTHER.
jenna – i have a mother.
WOMAN – THEN YOU MUST BREAK HER HEART EVERY SINGLE DAY.
jenna – probably.
WOMAN – YOUR POOR MOTHER. YOU HAD BETT ER BUY HER A CHRISTMAS PRESENT.
jenna – i’m sorry, i can’t hear you, what?
WOMAN – YOUR POOR…
jenna – hmmm sorry, just too loud in here. oh well, my stop….
sometimes it is better to take the next bus, after all.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
The Art of Playing with Your Friend's Food
i once used a toilet so new it has the price tag still on it.
the toilets in home depot really should be labeled better.
sometimes i feel like i am talking and no one is listening.
maybe because i don't use correct spelling.
i love when i make notes to myself for this blog and see them days later.
choke fish.
that's all i wrote.
any clues?
i'm sure it would have been some witty observation.
but now, i got nothing.
it's hard to work with people who are always wrong when you are always right.
not many people will sit next to a girl in a panda hat.
i feel as right as rain, which is never right and even harder to write.
you should never be left to your own devices.
unless that device is a gps.
what did people do before hand sanitizers?
it’s a dirty world out there.
when people tell me they don’t have tv’s, i start to wonder what’s wrong with them.
what do you do at night?
this week in jenna theatre, jenna is corresponding with a group member by email for an upcoming school project. the name has been changed and the project is vague.
to: steve
from : jenna
subject : the project
hey are you ready to work on the presentation? how do you want to work on this?
to : jenna
from: steve
subject : re the project
yo. um. i think that we should do a powerpoint.
to: steve
from : jenna
subject : re: re: the project
i mean which article should we focus on. i feel like the third one would be the best. we can just break it up into parts really easily.
to : jenna
from: steve
subject :re: re: re: the project
wait. what article?
to: steve
from : jenna
subject : re: re: re: re: the project
um…the third one…the harrisburg one?
to : jenna
from: steve
subject : re: re: re: re: re: the project
for what class.
to: steve
from : jenna
subject : re: re: re: re: re: re: the project
? we only have one class together.
to : jenna
from: steve
subject : re: re: re: re: re: re: re: the project
oh found it!
to: steve
from : jenna
subject : re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re the project
awesome. so, does that work?
to : jenna
from: steve
subject : re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: the project
yup. i’ll start on the powerpoint and send it to you when i’m done.
to : jenna
from: steve
subject : re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: the project
i’m sorry j, i couldn’t do the powerpoint, my email isn’t working.
to: steve
from : jenna
subject : re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: the project
…then how did you send this?
to : jenna
from: steve
subject : re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: the project
oh, right…
and people wonder why i drink.
the toilets in home depot really should be labeled better.
sometimes i feel like i am talking and no one is listening.
maybe because i don't use correct spelling.
i love when i make notes to myself for this blog and see them days later.
choke fish.
that's all i wrote.
any clues?
i'm sure it would have been some witty observation.
but now, i got nothing.
it's hard to work with people who are always wrong when you are always right.
not many people will sit next to a girl in a panda hat.
i feel as right as rain, which is never right and even harder to write.
you should never be left to your own devices.
unless that device is a gps.
what did people do before hand sanitizers?
it’s a dirty world out there.
when people tell me they don’t have tv’s, i start to wonder what’s wrong with them.
what do you do at night?
this week in jenna theatre, jenna is corresponding with a group member by email for an upcoming school project. the name has been changed and the project is vague.
to: steve
from : jenna
subject : the project
hey are you ready to work on the presentation? how do you want to work on this?
to : jenna
from: steve
subject : re the project
yo. um. i think that we should do a powerpoint.
to: steve
from : jenna
subject : re: re: the project
i mean which article should we focus on. i feel like the third one would be the best. we can just break it up into parts really easily.
to : jenna
from: steve
subject :re: re: re: the project
wait. what article?
to: steve
from : jenna
subject : re: re: re: re: the project
um…the third one…the harrisburg one?
to : jenna
from: steve
subject : re: re: re: re: re: the project
for what class.
to: steve
from : jenna
subject : re: re: re: re: re: re: the project
? we only have one class together.
to : jenna
from: steve
subject : re: re: re: re: re: re: re: the project
oh found it!
to: steve
from : jenna
subject : re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re the project
awesome. so, does that work?
to : jenna
from: steve
subject : re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: the project
yup. i’ll start on the powerpoint and send it to you when i’m done.
to : jenna
from: steve
subject : re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: the project
i’m sorry j, i couldn’t do the powerpoint, my email isn’t working.
to: steve
from : jenna
subject : re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: the project
…then how did you send this?
to : jenna
from: steve
subject : re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: the project
oh, right…
and people wonder why i drink.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
The Art of Driving in the Fast Lane
just for your information, the middle lane is not a right turn lane.
my hair smells like bacon.
the guy next to me is looking at me like he wants to eat me.
if someone asks if they can ask me a question, i always say no.
not cause i'm a bitch, but because...oh wait, no it's cuz i'm a bitch.
i enjoy life a la mode.
it's best if you close your eyes when i'm driving.
i could drive all night.
it's best if i close my eyes while driving.
you drive me crazy.
i am lacking the drive to drive.
it is misleading to call a golf club a driver.
it is also misleading to call a golf club a club as it looks nothing like something the flintstones would be interested in.
golf is not a sport because i cannot play it very well.
my blog, my rules.
your stench is literally smacking me in the face.
also, the bus driver is driving like we're in some sort of racing game.
i'd like to arrive alive damn it.
if i were a bus driver, i would probably try to make people fall over.
maybe i shouldn't put that on my bus driver application.
i apply myself but it seems no one is hiring.
this week in jenna theatre, jenna is sitting in the library reading a book. Someone comes over to talk to her.man – hi. good book?
jenna – yea…
man – is it for class?
jenna – yea…
man – i was going to read but then i decided that i would not.
jenna – a bold choice in the library.
man – what?
jenna – never mind.
(silence)
man – i am so bored right now. i have nothing to do. can i ask you a question?
jenna – no.
man – oh right. reading.
(silence)
man – so what do you think about eating?
jenna – eating?
man – yeah, are you hungry?
jenna – no, not really….
man – you’re not? i’m starving!
jenna – hmm, maybe you should try reading…i hear it’s really good for that.
man – you’re really pretty.
jenna – huh
man – would you like to go out sometime?
jenna – no, i’m going to be really busy
man – you don’t even know when
jenna – i’m pretty sure i’ll be reading…
enough to drive you to drink.
my hair smells like bacon.
the guy next to me is looking at me like he wants to eat me.
if someone asks if they can ask me a question, i always say no.
not cause i'm a bitch, but because...oh wait, no it's cuz i'm a bitch.
i enjoy life a la mode.
it's best if you close your eyes when i'm driving.
i could drive all night.
it's best if i close my eyes while driving.
you drive me crazy.
i am lacking the drive to drive.
it is misleading to call a golf club a driver.
it is also misleading to call a golf club a club as it looks nothing like something the flintstones would be interested in.
golf is not a sport because i cannot play it very well.
my blog, my rules.
your stench is literally smacking me in the face.
also, the bus driver is driving like we're in some sort of racing game.
i'd like to arrive alive damn it.
if i were a bus driver, i would probably try to make people fall over.
maybe i shouldn't put that on my bus driver application.
i apply myself but it seems no one is hiring.
this week in jenna theatre, jenna is sitting in the library reading a book. Someone comes over to talk to her.man – hi. good book?
jenna – yea…
man – is it for class?
jenna – yea…
man – i was going to read but then i decided that i would not.
jenna – a bold choice in the library.
man – what?
jenna – never mind.
(silence)
man – i am so bored right now. i have nothing to do. can i ask you a question?
jenna – no.
man – oh right. reading.
(silence)
man – so what do you think about eating?
jenna – eating?
man – yeah, are you hungry?
jenna – no, not really….
man – you’re not? i’m starving!
jenna – hmm, maybe you should try reading…i hear it’s really good for that.
man – you’re really pretty.
jenna – huh
man – would you like to go out sometime?
jenna – no, i’m going to be really busy
man – you don’t even know when
jenna – i’m pretty sure i’ll be reading…
enough to drive you to drink.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
The Art of Saying All the Wrong Things in Low Places
for whom the elevator tolls.
ask not what you can do for your country, for that requires too much work.
stop, drop and roll a joint.
don't put off today what you can
don't make a mountain out of a monkey.
sometimes it can be as hard as finding a needle in a sewing kit
early to bed and early to rise, might make you healthy but it won't make you popular with your friends.
ever feel stuck between a mouse and a mole hill?
it's like fighting a downhill battle.
boys, can't live with them, can't afford anything without them.
women are like a box of tic tacs.
do you ever feel like the lights are on and you're the one paying the bills?
make sure your body doesn't cash checks that your mind can't write.
this week in jenna theatre...if jenna had a kid, this is what he would do...
come back next week for a longer, younger and more energetic blog!
ask not what you can do for your country, for that requires too much work.
stop, drop and roll a joint.
don't put off today what you can
don't make a mountain out of a monkey.
sometimes it can be as hard as finding a needle in a sewing kit
early to bed and early to rise, might make you healthy but it won't make you popular with your friends.
ever feel stuck between a mouse and a mole hill?
it's like fighting a downhill battle.
boys, can't live with them, can't afford anything without them.
women are like a box of tic tacs.
do you ever feel like the lights are on and you're the one paying the bills?
make sure your body doesn't cash checks that your mind can't write.
this week in jenna theatre...if jenna had a kid, this is what he would do...
come back next week for a longer, younger and more energetic blog!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
The Art of Green Eggs and Cheese
never underestimate a woman in heels.
never wear heels to a rally.
head, shoulder, heels and toes.
i cannot wrap my head around someone being called a heel.
especially when they are being an ass.
it can take time to heal your heel.
heal thyself with vodka.
behold the healing powers of a woman in heels.
i hate voting.
it's not that i don't have an opinion.
everyone knows i do.
it's the negative campaigning that i don't like.
which is weird, because normally i love a good bitch fight.
it is better to receive than give.
i got a catalog to give a goat.
i don't want to give a goat.
i don't know anything about the people who are taking the goat.
are they part of a goat fighting ring?
i have no way of knowing if i am perpetuating goat on goat violence.
as a humanitarian, i just can’t put myself in that position.
i’d send a cock, but what kind of message would that be sending?
this week in jenna theatre, jenna is at home when the phone rings for the 15th time that day.
jenna – hello?
woman – hi, i’m just calling to remind you to vote!
jenna– when?
woman – when what?
jenna – when should i vote?
woman – tomorrow.
jenna – i am really busy tomorrow, any chance we could move voting to friday?
woman – um, no, tomorrow is voting day.
jenna – how about thursday? i have thursday’s off.
woman – well, no, it’s tomorrow.
jenna – that’s so weird. why haven’t i heard anything about this?
woman – well, it’s been on the news and we’ve made several phone calls to this number.
jenna – this number? no way. i mean, i just wish there had been some kind of clue. something on tv maybe.
woman – um, well, there has been a lot of stuff on tv this year. it’s a big election for chicago.
jenna – it is? weird. just wish someone had said something. thank you.
if only there had been endless tv campaigns, newspaper campaigns and telephone campaigns, then i might have known….
yeah, i know i’m a bit of an ass sometimes…
or am i a heel?
never wear heels to a rally.
head, shoulder, heels and toes.
i cannot wrap my head around someone being called a heel.
especially when they are being an ass.
it can take time to heal your heel.
heal thyself with vodka.
behold the healing powers of a woman in heels.
i hate voting.
it's not that i don't have an opinion.
everyone knows i do.
it's the negative campaigning that i don't like.
which is weird, because normally i love a good bitch fight.
it is better to receive than give.
i got a catalog to give a goat.
i don't want to give a goat.
i don't know anything about the people who are taking the goat.
are they part of a goat fighting ring?
i have no way of knowing if i am perpetuating goat on goat violence.
as a humanitarian, i just can’t put myself in that position.
i’d send a cock, but what kind of message would that be sending?
this week in jenna theatre, jenna is at home when the phone rings for the 15th time that day.
jenna – hello?
woman – hi, i’m just calling to remind you to vote!
jenna– when?
woman – when what?
jenna – when should i vote?
woman – tomorrow.
jenna – i am really busy tomorrow, any chance we could move voting to friday?
woman – um, no, tomorrow is voting day.
jenna – how about thursday? i have thursday’s off.
woman – well, no, it’s tomorrow.
jenna – that’s so weird. why haven’t i heard anything about this?
woman – well, it’s been on the news and we’ve made several phone calls to this number.
jenna – this number? no way. i mean, i just wish there had been some kind of clue. something on tv maybe.
woman – um, well, there has been a lot of stuff on tv this year. it’s a big election for chicago.
jenna – it is? weird. just wish someone had said something. thank you.
if only there had been endless tv campaigns, newspaper campaigns and telephone campaigns, then i might have known….
yeah, i know i’m a bit of an ass sometimes…
or am i a heel?
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
The Art of Confusion Says
there is a nun in the library.
i have no joke about that, it just makes me feel weird.
also there is a chicken in the oven.
i'm not catholic, but i find nuns intimidating.
whenever i see a nun or priest, my mind takes a flying leap into the gutter.
well, maybe not so much a flying leap, maybe more of a sashay or two-step.
i'd love to see two-stepping nuns.
never underestimate a two-step.
i like people but i hate they way they smell.
is there some sort of deodorant epidemic i am unaware of?
i had someone argue with me that they didn't need to wear deodorant.
they did.
i smashed some one's phone today.
it wasn't my fault.
they had a cricket ring tone.
you can take the girl out of the country, but you better not have a cricket around the girl.
i'm too lazy for stand up comedy.
it's too much work to be a workaholic.
i'll leave that to the people who haven't discovered sex.
just because i have tits doesn't mean i don't understand sports.
when you need silence that's when people will yell the loudest.
it's weird to live in a city that constantly smells like chocolate.
it is also impossible to diet in a city that always smells like chocolate.
there are truths in numbers.
there are lies in words.
and there are i's in lies.
and there are pricks on the bus.
i hate being succinct.
i hate seeing unsolicited penises.
peni?
i love a good daydream.
i would like someone to describe a work situation in which the words climb, latter, and box aren't used.
this week in jenna theatre jenna is sitting reading for her next class when a fellow student comes up to her in a panic.
student – ohmygod! did you get that email, did you freak out?
jenna (having no idea who this woman is) uh no? what email?
student – the email about the 10 page paper that is due tonight. i totally forgot it was due., i stayed up all night, did you get it done?
jenna – i didn’t get that email! was it on the syllabus?
student – apparently.
jenna – for multicultural right?
student – yeah.
jenna – i have no recollection of this, at all. what’s it about?
student - it was so hard. you had to have, like, 5 references and stuff on that case study at the end of the chapter.
jenna – holy shit, i didn’t know about this. (jenna frantically pulls out her syllabus) um it doesn’t say anything about that on here.
student – let me see (takes it) wait. this isn’t the syllabus.
jenna – it’s not?
student – no.
jenna – (looks at it) it is
student – wait, you’re not in my class?
jenna – i’m thinking maybe not?
student – ohmygod i’m so sorry. i totally thought you were in my class.
jenna – ohmygod you almost gave me a nervous breakdown! i thought maybe i was having memory failure or something.
student – do we even have class together?
jenna – i really don’t think so.
student – wow, well.i’d better get to class. sorry about that, i really thought you were in my class.
jenna (nods and tries to feel her face again)
i still have no idea who the hell that was.
i have no joke about that, it just makes me feel weird.
also there is a chicken in the oven.
i'm not catholic, but i find nuns intimidating.
whenever i see a nun or priest, my mind takes a flying leap into the gutter.
well, maybe not so much a flying leap, maybe more of a sashay or two-step.
i'd love to see two-stepping nuns.
never underestimate a two-step.
i like people but i hate they way they smell.
is there some sort of deodorant epidemic i am unaware of?
i had someone argue with me that they didn't need to wear deodorant.
they did.
i smashed some one's phone today.
it wasn't my fault.
they had a cricket ring tone.
you can take the girl out of the country, but you better not have a cricket around the girl.
i'm too lazy for stand up comedy.
it's too much work to be a workaholic.
i'll leave that to the people who haven't discovered sex.
just because i have tits doesn't mean i don't understand sports.
when you need silence that's when people will yell the loudest.
it's weird to live in a city that constantly smells like chocolate.
it is also impossible to diet in a city that always smells like chocolate.
there are truths in numbers.
there are lies in words.
and there are i's in lies.
and there are pricks on the bus.
i hate being succinct.
i hate seeing unsolicited penises.
peni?
i love a good daydream.
i would like someone to describe a work situation in which the words climb, latter, and box aren't used.
this week in jenna theatre jenna is sitting reading for her next class when a fellow student comes up to her in a panic.
student – ohmygod! did you get that email, did you freak out?
jenna (having no idea who this woman is) uh no? what email?
student – the email about the 10 page paper that is due tonight. i totally forgot it was due., i stayed up all night, did you get it done?
jenna – i didn’t get that email! was it on the syllabus?
student – apparently.
jenna – for multicultural right?
student – yeah.
jenna – i have no recollection of this, at all. what’s it about?
student - it was so hard. you had to have, like, 5 references and stuff on that case study at the end of the chapter.
jenna – holy shit, i didn’t know about this. (jenna frantically pulls out her syllabus) um it doesn’t say anything about that on here.
student – let me see (takes it) wait. this isn’t the syllabus.
jenna – it’s not?
student – no.
jenna – (looks at it) it is
student – wait, you’re not in my class?
jenna – i’m thinking maybe not?
student – ohmygod i’m so sorry. i totally thought you were in my class.
jenna – ohmygod you almost gave me a nervous breakdown! i thought maybe i was having memory failure or something.
student – do we even have class together?
jenna – i really don’t think so.
student – wow, well.i’d better get to class. sorry about that, i really thought you were in my class.
jenna (nods and tries to feel her face again)
i still have no idea who the hell that was.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
The Art of The Flu
this week in jenna theatre...jenna has the flu! check back next wendesday for an all new, all star blog post...
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
The Art of Fourth Grade Logic
i just bought some no-wedgie underwear.
it's not like i have a problem with wedgies.
i just like to be prepared.
it's always hard to make a choice like that.
there are regular and no-wedgie.
does that mean the regular pairs are going to give me wedgies?
they never gave me wedgies before.
by not buying the no-wedgie pair am i setting myself up for a wedgie problem later in life?
shouldn't at this point all your underwear just become no-wedgie underwear?
what is that saying about you?
the same is true with anti-blister socks.
even if you don't get blisters, the product now forces you to make a choice.
and what choice will you make with condoms?
there are so many condom choices.
but what amazes me is that there are so-called pleasure condoms.
(i saw a commercial)
who out there wants a painful condom?
i could have a comfortable sex experience? no thanks, i'll take the really irritating condom.
and if you’re a dude who doesn’t buy a her-pleasure condom, well, you might as well pack that shit away, cuz you are an ass.
you can’t show up with a his-pleasure condom.
i wonder about marketing choices.
and the people who buy these things.
to think i got there from underwear.
flawed logic gives me a tick.
This week in jenna theatre, jenna is riding the bus and a tourist sits down next to her with a map.
woman – is this the red line? the el?
jenna – no this is a bus…
woman – really? I thought there was only the el trains in chicago.
jenna – no, there are buses…like this one.
woman – so weird.
jenna – yea.
woman – (after studying the map) no, look this is the red line…
jenna – no, it’s not a train. it’s a bus.
woman – these things are so confusing.
jenna – you should try nyc’s subway. those are confusing.
woman – so you’re not even from here?
jenna – well, i’ve been living here for….
(woman turns to the man across the aisle)
woman – is this the red line?
man – no…it’s the bus.
(woman looks at jenna. jenna looks at woman.)
i need to start carrying a video camera with me.
it's not like i have a problem with wedgies.
i just like to be prepared.
it's always hard to make a choice like that.
there are regular and no-wedgie.
does that mean the regular pairs are going to give me wedgies?
they never gave me wedgies before.
by not buying the no-wedgie pair am i setting myself up for a wedgie problem later in life?
shouldn't at this point all your underwear just become no-wedgie underwear?
what is that saying about you?
the same is true with anti-blister socks.
even if you don't get blisters, the product now forces you to make a choice.
and what choice will you make with condoms?
there are so many condom choices.
but what amazes me is that there are so-called pleasure condoms.
(i saw a commercial)
who out there wants a painful condom?
i could have a comfortable sex experience? no thanks, i'll take the really irritating condom.
and if you’re a dude who doesn’t buy a her-pleasure condom, well, you might as well pack that shit away, cuz you are an ass.
you can’t show up with a his-pleasure condom.
i wonder about marketing choices.
and the people who buy these things.
to think i got there from underwear.
flawed logic gives me a tick.
This week in jenna theatre, jenna is riding the bus and a tourist sits down next to her with a map.
woman – is this the red line? the el?
jenna – no this is a bus…
woman – really? I thought there was only the el trains in chicago.
jenna – no, there are buses…like this one.
woman – so weird.
jenna – yea.
woman – (after studying the map) no, look this is the red line…
jenna – no, it’s not a train. it’s a bus.
woman – these things are so confusing.
jenna – you should try nyc’s subway. those are confusing.
woman – so you’re not even from here?
jenna – well, i’ve been living here for….
(woman turns to the man across the aisle)
woman – is this the red line?
man – no…it’s the bus.
(woman looks at jenna. jenna looks at woman.)
i need to start carrying a video camera with me.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
The Art of First Time Users
it makes you think, maybe we're not thinking enough.
think about it.
you can try to tell me it doesn't matter, but it does.
whenever I see a truck with its door open, no driver and the keys in the ignition, i have to be physically restrained from jumping in and diving away.
i saw a tube of butt cream on the ground today.
yes, it said butt cream.
generic butt cream says a lot about a person.
someone somewhere is very unhappy.
there are some things you don't want any part of.
butt cream is one of them.
regardless of the size, whenever i carry a purse i feel like i'm suddenly one of those wide-load trucks.
i always manage to take someone out on the bus.
i think i might have given someone a concussion with my book bag.
i am a classified deadly weapon.
just ask the cia.
and the cta.
and the cpa.
and the csr.
but don't ask me to do cpr.
unless you're hot.
i might not be certified, but i'm not certifiable.
this week in jenna theatre, jenna is on the elevator with an older woman. the woman keeps staring at jenna. jenna is trying not to notice. finally the woman goes over and moves the scarf out of the way of the image on the shirt.
woman - oh shit, i thought that was a penis!
jenna - uh...no...it's not.
woman - looked just like one.
jenna - it's a alligator.
woman - really thought it was a penis....
(woman gets off at her floor)
one woman’s penis is another woman’s alligator.
think about it.
you can try to tell me it doesn't matter, but it does.
whenever I see a truck with its door open, no driver and the keys in the ignition, i have to be physically restrained from jumping in and diving away.
i saw a tube of butt cream on the ground today.
yes, it said butt cream.
generic butt cream says a lot about a person.
someone somewhere is very unhappy.
there are some things you don't want any part of.
butt cream is one of them.
regardless of the size, whenever i carry a purse i feel like i'm suddenly one of those wide-load trucks.
i always manage to take someone out on the bus.
i think i might have given someone a concussion with my book bag.
i am a classified deadly weapon.
just ask the cia.
and the cta.
and the cpa.
and the csr.
but don't ask me to do cpr.
unless you're hot.
i might not be certified, but i'm not certifiable.
this week in jenna theatre, jenna is on the elevator with an older woman. the woman keeps staring at jenna. jenna is trying not to notice. finally the woman goes over and moves the scarf out of the way of the image on the shirt.
woman - oh shit, i thought that was a penis!
jenna - uh...no...it's not.
woman - looked just like one.
jenna - it's a alligator.
woman - really thought it was a penis....
(woman gets off at her floor)
one woman’s penis is another woman’s alligator.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
The Art of the Game and the Pain
i would love to go to sleep.
i just don’t know how to get there.
i get lost very easily.
someone should look into updating mapquest or something.
sleep is an elusive bitch sometimes.
elusive elves for christmas.
say that 10 times fast.
actually that’s pretty easy to say 10 times fast.
i would suck as a tongue twister maker upper.
is that a job?
seems like it would be hard to get paid from that nonsense.
can you believe the time?
time is nothing but a number.
age is nothing but wasted time.
time out, it’s all too serious.
seriously, i cannot find sleep.
it appears to be missing.
and i am so tired.
so very tired.
do you ever feel like you’ve been chasing cats on crack?
whenever i hear a police siren i wonder what i did wrong.
i can appreciate how men feel like they need hair, but sometimes men just abuse the privilege.
not pointing fingers, but you know who you are.
this week in jenna theatre, jenna is in her night class while following the game on her computer. (please note - jenna never does this, this is a fake situation, jenna always pays attention in class, dad, always!) a few people in the class are all waiting to hear what happens during the game.
teacher – so if we look at what the behavior of the parent’s results in terms of the child’s response we can see which one is the most effective in the chart…
jenna – (touchdown!) YES! awesome!!!
teacher – excuse me?
jenna – no, i just totally get it now, i was really confused before. the chart helped. it was like it went from zero to 7.
(classmates who know the game was on all clap or nod and vocally agree)
i can only leave with a smile and a whole lot of knowledge.
i just don’t know how to get there.
i get lost very easily.
someone should look into updating mapquest or something.
sleep is an elusive bitch sometimes.
elusive elves for christmas.
say that 10 times fast.
actually that’s pretty easy to say 10 times fast.
i would suck as a tongue twister maker upper.
is that a job?
seems like it would be hard to get paid from that nonsense.
can you believe the time?
time is nothing but a number.
age is nothing but wasted time.
time out, it’s all too serious.
seriously, i cannot find sleep.
it appears to be missing.
and i am so tired.
so very tired.
do you ever feel like you’ve been chasing cats on crack?
whenever i hear a police siren i wonder what i did wrong.
i can appreciate how men feel like they need hair, but sometimes men just abuse the privilege.
not pointing fingers, but you know who you are.
this week in jenna theatre, jenna is in her night class while following the game on her computer. (please note - jenna never does this, this is a fake situation, jenna always pays attention in class, dad, always!) a few people in the class are all waiting to hear what happens during the game.
teacher – so if we look at what the behavior of the parent’s results in terms of the child’s response we can see which one is the most effective in the chart…
jenna – (touchdown!) YES! awesome!!!
teacher – excuse me?
jenna – no, i just totally get it now, i was really confused before. the chart helped. it was like it went from zero to 7.
(classmates who know the game was on all clap or nod and vocally agree)
i can only leave with a smile and a whole lot of knowledge.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
The Art of the Boom-Shakka-Lakka
you never hear about selfish shellfish.
surely they must exist.
you just know there's a crustacean out there going mine, bitch.
or a lobster not playing well with others.
have you ever had to pee at the canadian border?
it's hard to talk to someone who doesn't listen.
i never listen.
listening is hard to do when you yell.
listen to the sound of sirens.
if you don't know the answer, make something up.
no one is listening anyway.
try not to steal my ideas.
stop being so possessive over your possessions.
they're just things.
and they're not really yours anyway.
god i hate philosophy.
give me something hard.
double shot of whiskey.
i'm so thirsty i'm contemplating taking a sip out of that persons soda.
i suppose that would not be a socially acceptable thing.
some people look tired all the time.
i wonder if they're actually tired or if they just look like it.
only one way to find out.
we should outlaw rhetorical questions, don’t you think?
that wasn’t rhetorical.
this week in jenna theatre, jenna is in the elevator coming home from a long day of school a woman gets on the 2nd floor. jenna has seen this woman in the building a few times and normally they exchange hellos and talk about running or working out.
woman – hi
jenna – hi there
woman – been working out late again
jenna – yeah – how’s that been going?
woman – well, i’m trying to get laid here
jenna – haha, oh really
woman – it’s been a long time.
jenna – oh, i’m so sorry to hear that
woman – like a really, really long time.
jenna – well – keep at it…?
woman – i try. lately, i’ve been trying to work out whenever i want sex
jenna – oh, geeze…
woman – i am working out now like, all the time…
jenna – oh, look, my floor…uh…good luck with all that…
woman – i’ll let you know…
oh man, please don’t.
just, please don’t.
surely they must exist.
you just know there's a crustacean out there going mine, bitch.
or a lobster not playing well with others.
have you ever had to pee at the canadian border?
it's hard to talk to someone who doesn't listen.
i never listen.
listening is hard to do when you yell.
listen to the sound of sirens.
if you don't know the answer, make something up.
no one is listening anyway.
try not to steal my ideas.
stop being so possessive over your possessions.
they're just things.
and they're not really yours anyway.
god i hate philosophy.
give me something hard.
double shot of whiskey.
i'm so thirsty i'm contemplating taking a sip out of that persons soda.
i suppose that would not be a socially acceptable thing.
some people look tired all the time.
i wonder if they're actually tired or if they just look like it.
only one way to find out.
we should outlaw rhetorical questions, don’t you think?
that wasn’t rhetorical.
this week in jenna theatre, jenna is in the elevator coming home from a long day of school a woman gets on the 2nd floor. jenna has seen this woman in the building a few times and normally they exchange hellos and talk about running or working out.
woman – hi
jenna – hi there
woman – been working out late again
jenna – yeah – how’s that been going?
woman – well, i’m trying to get laid here
jenna – haha, oh really
woman – it’s been a long time.
jenna – oh, i’m so sorry to hear that
woman – like a really, really long time.
jenna – well – keep at it…?
woman – i try. lately, i’ve been trying to work out whenever i want sex
jenna – oh, geeze…
woman – i am working out now like, all the time…
jenna – oh, look, my floor…uh…good luck with all that…
woman – i’ll let you know…
oh man, please don’t.
just, please don’t.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
The Art of Being as Mature as a 4 Year Old
there are two kinds of people in the world, those who fart and those who lie about farting.
which one are you?
those who are tired live a much more interesting life.
i hate having to pay attention to things i have no interest in.
it takes to much of my time.
which is good on the days i have nothing to do.
there is never nothing to do.
never say never.
never.
i love a good expression, even when it gets stuck in my teeth.
one of my favorite games on my phone is a tip calculator.
sometimes i wonder if i never called, would you still exist?
too deep for a wednesday?
this week in jenna theatre, jenna has arrived to her second week of school and is trying to get into get her id card.
lady - can you spell your name?
jenna - j-e-n-n-a
lady - hmmm
jenna - what?
lady - i'm not finding you. may i see your driver’s license?
jenna - uh, sure.
lady - you're not showing up. is this your first day?
jenna - no
lady - are you sure you're registered?
jenna - yes...and i've been billed a crap load of money too.
lady - hmmm. have you been to classes yet?
jenna - yes. last week, this week. i'm actually on break from class now.
lady - hmm. has anyone been able to find you?
jenna - find me where?
lady - at school?
jenna - i'm here now.
lady - i'm just not finding you. maybe you don't go here.
jenna - they found me to give me my upass, they found me to give me n email address and they found me to send me bills. i'm sure i go to school here.
lady - hmm, i'll give you an id for now, but i am going to investigate you further.
jenna - you really think i'd be going through all this drama to get an id here when i’m not a student?
lady - ok picture taken.
jenna - i wasn't even ready!
lady - here's your id and you're all set.
jenna - holy crap, this looks like lindsay lohan's mug shoot!
lady - have a nice day and good luck in "school"
hmmm indeed.
i wonder how long i should wait to try to get a replacement id...
which one are you?
those who are tired live a much more interesting life.
i hate having to pay attention to things i have no interest in.
it takes to much of my time.
which is good on the days i have nothing to do.
there is never nothing to do.
never say never.
never.
i love a good expression, even when it gets stuck in my teeth.
one of my favorite games on my phone is a tip calculator.
sometimes i wonder if i never called, would you still exist?
too deep for a wednesday?
this week in jenna theatre, jenna has arrived to her second week of school and is trying to get into get her id card.
lady - can you spell your name?
jenna - j-e-n-n-a
lady - hmmm
jenna - what?
lady - i'm not finding you. may i see your driver’s license?
jenna - uh, sure.
lady - you're not showing up. is this your first day?
jenna - no
lady - are you sure you're registered?
jenna - yes...and i've been billed a crap load of money too.
lady - hmmm. have you been to classes yet?
jenna - yes. last week, this week. i'm actually on break from class now.
lady - hmm. has anyone been able to find you?
jenna - find me where?
lady - at school?
jenna - i'm here now.
lady - i'm just not finding you. maybe you don't go here.
jenna - they found me to give me my upass, they found me to give me n email address and they found me to send me bills. i'm sure i go to school here.
lady - hmm, i'll give you an id for now, but i am going to investigate you further.
jenna - you really think i'd be going through all this drama to get an id here when i’m not a student?
lady - ok picture taken.
jenna - i wasn't even ready!
lady - here's your id and you're all set.
jenna - holy crap, this looks like lindsay lohan's mug shoot!
lady - have a nice day and good luck in "school"
hmmm indeed.
i wonder how long i should wait to try to get a replacement id...
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
The Art of Farting with Cheese
sometimes i fear i am incapable of dealing with human feces.
i’m not sure this is a bad thing, but it is something i have noticed.
which side of the tracks is the wrong side of the tracks?
how do you know?
do they put up a sign?
it would seem to me that living on either sides of the track would be less than desirable.
whenever i hear trains whistle i have to fight the urge to drop to the ground.
stop drop and roll over.
after a few drinks, i’ll stop, drop and go to sleep.
sleep is for the weak.
nothing good happens after 3am.
boobs.
i have been reduced to mocking.
not mocking boobs, mind you.
you should never mock boobs.
bad things will happen to you.
rather i am now a mocker of all things purple.
i’m looking at you, grapes.
this week in jenna theatre, jenna is waiting for the bus at night to head home. a woman walks up to her.
woman – night
jenna – yes
woman – do you have change?
jenna – i don’t, i’m sorry.
woman – you got cheese?
jenna – cheese?
woman – i like cheese. do you like cheese?
jenna – cheese is good.
woman - i love cheese.
(silence)
woman – why don’t you got cheese?
jenna – well, it doesn’t carry well in the heat.
woman – it melts.
jenna – right.
woman – cheese makes me fart.
(jenna looks around for the bus)
woman – i just farted!
jenna – but i didn’t even give you any cheese!
woman – just thinking about it…there i go again!
(jenna decides to walk)
sometimes it doesn’t even matter.
those are the times i drink.
i’m not sure this is a bad thing, but it is something i have noticed.
which side of the tracks is the wrong side of the tracks?
how do you know?
do they put up a sign?
it would seem to me that living on either sides of the track would be less than desirable.
whenever i hear trains whistle i have to fight the urge to drop to the ground.
stop drop and roll over.
after a few drinks, i’ll stop, drop and go to sleep.
sleep is for the weak.
nothing good happens after 3am.
boobs.
i have been reduced to mocking.
not mocking boobs, mind you.
you should never mock boobs.
bad things will happen to you.
rather i am now a mocker of all things purple.
i’m looking at you, grapes.
this week in jenna theatre, jenna is waiting for the bus at night to head home. a woman walks up to her.
woman – night
jenna – yes
woman – do you have change?
jenna – i don’t, i’m sorry.
woman – you got cheese?
jenna – cheese?
woman – i like cheese. do you like cheese?
jenna – cheese is good.
woman - i love cheese.
(silence)
woman – why don’t you got cheese?
jenna – well, it doesn’t carry well in the heat.
woman – it melts.
jenna – right.
woman – cheese makes me fart.
(jenna looks around for the bus)
woman – i just farted!
jenna – but i didn’t even give you any cheese!
woman – just thinking about it…there i go again!
(jenna decides to walk)
sometimes it doesn’t even matter.
those are the times i drink.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
The Art of Aged Cheese
as a rule i hate it when people tell me what to do.
but sometimes i wish someone would tell me what to do with my life.
this year has flown by.
except for the days when time stood still.
time is one of those things i feel i have no concept of.
who needs time when you have money?
i have neither money nor time.
which, i suppose is why it's so difficult to buy more time.
this is why birthdays shouldn't count.
in case you haven't guessed, it's my birthday today.
as per usual, i am accepting it with my typical style and grace.
for those who don't know me, this means kicking and screaming.
i wonder who invented those horrible birthday songs at restaurants.
i know i couldn't give less than two shits that it's some strangers birthday and i will not give them a giant birthday cheer.
now if this person was buying me dinner, i'll put on a hat and do the tappity tap.
no idea what that means.
please don't wish me a happy birthday.
but feel free to send money, i'm not sure how i'm going to pay rent.
i think you should be as old as your bank account indicates.
i have the face of a 14 year old, the body of a 20 year old and the liver of a 50 year old.
i can't wait to see what happens when they cut me open to count the rings.
girls just want to have fun...and vodka...girls really want vodka.
words to live by.
this week in jenna theatre, jenna gets on the m train in queens to head to the city. a man gets on with her in a red shirt with a guitar on his back. jenna transfers to the e train, the man does too. jenna pays no mind, it's a quite common transfer. jenna gets off and transfers to the 6 line. after waiting 5 minutes or so, the train pulls in, and who should get off right at the car she was about to get on was that same man, in the red shirt with the guitar. jenna still has no idea where the fuck he came from or how, if he was indeed on the same train with her, he managed to appear on the very train she was waiting for.
no seriously, this is worse than sudoku.
but sometimes i wish someone would tell me what to do with my life.
this year has flown by.
except for the days when time stood still.
time is one of those things i feel i have no concept of.
who needs time when you have money?
i have neither money nor time.
which, i suppose is why it's so difficult to buy more time.
this is why birthdays shouldn't count.
in case you haven't guessed, it's my birthday today.
as per usual, i am accepting it with my typical style and grace.
for those who don't know me, this means kicking and screaming.
i wonder who invented those horrible birthday songs at restaurants.
i know i couldn't give less than two shits that it's some strangers birthday and i will not give them a giant birthday cheer.
now if this person was buying me dinner, i'll put on a hat and do the tappity tap.
no idea what that means.
please don't wish me a happy birthday.
but feel free to send money, i'm not sure how i'm going to pay rent.
i think you should be as old as your bank account indicates.
i have the face of a 14 year old, the body of a 20 year old and the liver of a 50 year old.
i can't wait to see what happens when they cut me open to count the rings.
girls just want to have fun...and vodka...girls really want vodka.
words to live by.
this week in jenna theatre, jenna gets on the m train in queens to head to the city. a man gets on with her in a red shirt with a guitar on his back. jenna transfers to the e train, the man does too. jenna pays no mind, it's a quite common transfer. jenna gets off and transfers to the 6 line. after waiting 5 minutes or so, the train pulls in, and who should get off right at the car she was about to get on was that same man, in the red shirt with the guitar. jenna still has no idea where the fuck he came from or how, if he was indeed on the same train with her, he managed to appear on the very train she was waiting for.
no seriously, this is worse than sudoku.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
The Art of the Eh!
i am against watches.
however i do like time.
my life is in a constant state of termoil anyway.
you can hardly keep time with that.
i never know what time zone to be in.
i wish i could change time zones depending on how i felt that day.
sometimes, i’m really just in a california state of time.
i wouldn’t mind a california roll right about now.
i enjoy sushi, but i think it’s more for the chopsticks.
i wish i could be one of those cool sushi eaters, but the thought of eating anything raw just seems so wrong.
haven’t we come so far in technology that the need to eat raw food is unnecessary?
it’s like ordering a rare steak.
you know you pay the same amount, no matter how long it’s on the grill.
i think i should be a vegetarian again.
if only vegetables tasted like chicken.
this week in jenna theatre, jenna is at a farm in canada where chickens and a rooster are allowed to roam free. while on the way down to swim, the rooster starts to eye jenna up and down. jenna, armed with a white towel to show that she comes in peace, waves the towel at the rooster to scoot it away. the rooster begins its retreat and walks down the hill. jenna, satisfied that the rooster is away, turns around to walk up the hill towards her co-swimmer alex, when suddenly there is a loud noise and alex, moving into action with a shovel, yells at her to run. jenna begins to scream and deciding alex has provided good advice, begins to run, as she is now being chased by the rooster. the rooster manages to graze the back of her calf before alex can scare him off. no harm done, except for jenna’s pride. jenna believes that attacking her from behind instead of face on proves that the rooster is indeed chicken.
however i do like time.
my life is in a constant state of termoil anyway.
you can hardly keep time with that.
i never know what time zone to be in.
i wish i could change time zones depending on how i felt that day.
sometimes, i’m really just in a california state of time.
i wouldn’t mind a california roll right about now.
i enjoy sushi, but i think it’s more for the chopsticks.
i wish i could be one of those cool sushi eaters, but the thought of eating anything raw just seems so wrong.
haven’t we come so far in technology that the need to eat raw food is unnecessary?
it’s like ordering a rare steak.
you know you pay the same amount, no matter how long it’s on the grill.
i think i should be a vegetarian again.
if only vegetables tasted like chicken.
this week in jenna theatre, jenna is at a farm in canada where chickens and a rooster are allowed to roam free. while on the way down to swim, the rooster starts to eye jenna up and down. jenna, armed with a white towel to show that she comes in peace, waves the towel at the rooster to scoot it away. the rooster begins its retreat and walks down the hill. jenna, satisfied that the rooster is away, turns around to walk up the hill towards her co-swimmer alex, when suddenly there is a loud noise and alex, moving into action with a shovel, yells at her to run. jenna begins to scream and deciding alex has provided good advice, begins to run, as she is now being chased by the rooster. the rooster manages to graze the back of her calf before alex can scare him off. no harm done, except for jenna’s pride. jenna believes that attacking her from behind instead of face on proves that the rooster is indeed chicken.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
The Art of Swimming with Bears
you ever find yourself thinking, i wonder what that would taste like dipped in chocolate?
i’m sensing a theme here.
themes are not to be confused with moods.
i’m moody.
i love it when you imply sex.
i love it when you imply chocolate.
i have a one track mind.
it just jumped the track.
track down the culprit. he has got to be around here somewhere.
with his track record and all.
i wish i could have been a tracking dog.
well, then i’d have to be a dog.
i don’t want to be a dog.
a tracking person?
are there still tracking people anymore, with gps and all that?
who knows, i get lost all the time.
this week in jenna theatre, while at the free lincoln park zoo in beautiful chicago, il, jenna walks up to the bear exhibit to look for the bears. a woman is there with her significant other.
woman – i don’t see the bear.
man – he’s right there.
woman – this is stupid, he’s not here, he’s like, hibernating or something.
man – they hibernate in the winter.
woman – well, i don’t see no bear.
man – i see him, he’s eating right in front of you.
woman – this zoo is a rip off.
man – it’s free…
woman – so they can just bring us here and show us where a bear would be if a bear was here?
man – but a bear is here, he’s right there.
woman – you always do this to me.
man – do what?
womna- lie to me.
man – about what?
woman – car payments, dinner, everything. now bears!
man – I don’t lie about bears…he’s right fucking there.
jenna – excuse me, would you mind taking my picture in front of the bear?
i do so love a good fight.
but even more so when it’s mine.
i’m sensing a theme here.
themes are not to be confused with moods.
i’m moody.
i love it when you imply sex.
i love it when you imply chocolate.
i have a one track mind.
it just jumped the track.
track down the culprit. he has got to be around here somewhere.
with his track record and all.
i wish i could have been a tracking dog.
well, then i’d have to be a dog.
i don’t want to be a dog.
a tracking person?
are there still tracking people anymore, with gps and all that?
who knows, i get lost all the time.
this week in jenna theatre, while at the free lincoln park zoo in beautiful chicago, il, jenna walks up to the bear exhibit to look for the bears. a woman is there with her significant other.
woman – i don’t see the bear.
man – he’s right there.
woman – this is stupid, he’s not here, he’s like, hibernating or something.
man – they hibernate in the winter.
woman – well, i don’t see no bear.
man – i see him, he’s eating right in front of you.
woman – this zoo is a rip off.
man – it’s free…
woman – so they can just bring us here and show us where a bear would be if a bear was here?
man – but a bear is here, he’s right there.
woman – you always do this to me.
man – do what?
womna- lie to me.
man – about what?
woman – car payments, dinner, everything. now bears!
man – I don’t lie about bears…he’s right fucking there.
jenna – excuse me, would you mind taking my picture in front of the bear?
i do so love a good fight.
but even more so when it’s mine.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
The Art of Love in an Elevator
have you ever found yourself staring at someone wondering what where they thinking when they got up this morning?
technically you can get up whenever you want in a day, somewhere in the world it’s morning.
people in the morning.
people in mourning.
i’m rarely in the mood for mourning in the morning.
afternoons, now that i can fully get behind.
not mourning in the afternoon.
as a general rule of thumb, mourning is nothing to get behind.
although getting in front would be nothing to shoot for.
well, your parents are hippies.
who needs to drive when you can drink?
drink until you feel nothing.
although feeling nothing is akin to death.
and death is nothing to shoot for.
it never hurts to take a shot.
it hurts to get shot.
and if you do too many shots, down you go.
but what do i know?
this week in jenna theater, jenna is in the elevator heading down to the bottom floor of her building from the 23rd floor. a small child gets on by himself at the 22nd floor and proceeds to hit every single button on the elevator. he leaves at floor 20. a man gets on at floor 19 and looks at the buttons all lit up and then looks at jenna.
jenna- i didn’t do it.
(man rolls his eyes)
jenna – i swear, it was some little kid. he did it. i think it was a boy; it’s hard to tell these days with kid’s haircuts and clothes…we could go back and check the 20th floor…
(man stares at jenna who tries to look elsewhere. it is a long, long, long ride to the bottom of the building.)
you win some, you don’t win others.
technically you can get up whenever you want in a day, somewhere in the world it’s morning.
people in the morning.
people in mourning.
i’m rarely in the mood for mourning in the morning.
afternoons, now that i can fully get behind.
not mourning in the afternoon.
as a general rule of thumb, mourning is nothing to get behind.
although getting in front would be nothing to shoot for.
well, your parents are hippies.
who needs to drive when you can drink?
drink until you feel nothing.
although feeling nothing is akin to death.
and death is nothing to shoot for.
it never hurts to take a shot.
it hurts to get shot.
and if you do too many shots, down you go.
but what do i know?
this week in jenna theater, jenna is in the elevator heading down to the bottom floor of her building from the 23rd floor. a small child gets on by himself at the 22nd floor and proceeds to hit every single button on the elevator. he leaves at floor 20. a man gets on at floor 19 and looks at the buttons all lit up and then looks at jenna.
jenna- i didn’t do it.
(man rolls his eyes)
jenna – i swear, it was some little kid. he did it. i think it was a boy; it’s hard to tell these days with kid’s haircuts and clothes…we could go back and check the 20th floor…
(man stares at jenna who tries to look elsewhere. it is a long, long, long ride to the bottom of the building.)
you win some, you don’t win others.
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