Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The Art of Driving in the Fast Lane

just for your information, the middle lane is not a right turn lane.

my hair smells like bacon.

the guy next to me is looking at me like he wants to eat me.

if someone asks if they can ask me a question, i always say no.

not cause i'm a bitch, but because...oh wait, no it's cuz i'm a bitch.

i enjoy life a la mode.

it's best if you close your eyes when i'm driving.

i could drive all night.

it's best if i close my eyes while driving.

you drive me crazy.

i am lacking the drive to drive.

it is misleading to call a golf club a driver.

it is also misleading to call a golf club a club as it looks nothing like something the flintstones would be interested in.

golf is not a sport because i cannot play it very well.

my blog, my rules.

your stench is literally smacking me in the face.

also, the bus driver is driving like we're in some sort of racing game.

i'd like to arrive alive damn it.

if i were a bus driver, i would probably try to make people fall over.

maybe i shouldn't put that on my bus driver application.

i apply myself but it seems no one is hiring.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is sitting in the library reading a book. Someone comes over to talk to – hi. good book?
jenna – yea…
man – is it for class?
jenna – yea…
man – i was going to read but then i decided that i would not.
jenna – a bold choice in the library.
man – what?
jenna – never mind.
man – i am so bored right now. i have nothing to do. can i ask you a question?
jenna – no.
man – oh right. reading.
man – so what do you think about eating?
jenna – eating?
man – yeah, are you hungry?
jenna – no, not really….
man – you’re not? i’m starving!
jenna – hmm, maybe you should try reading…i hear it’s really good for that.
man – you’re really pretty.
jenna – huh
man – would you like to go out sometime?
jenna – no, i’m going to be really busy
man – you don’t even know when
jenna – i’m pretty sure i’ll be reading…

enough to drive you to drink.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Art of Saying All the Wrong Things in Low Places

for whom the elevator tolls.

ask not what you can do for your country, for that requires too much work.

stop, drop and roll a joint.

don't put off today what you can

don't make a mountain out of a monkey.

sometimes it can be as hard as finding a needle in a sewing kit

early to bed and early to rise, might make you healthy but it won't make you popular with your friends.

ever feel stuck between a mouse and a mole hill?

it's like fighting a downhill battle.

boys, can't live with them, can't afford anything without them.

women are like a box of tic tacs.

do you ever feel like the lights are on and you're the one paying the bills?

make sure your body doesn't cash checks that your mind can't write.

this week in jenna theatre...if jenna had a kid, this is what he would do...

come back next week for a longer, younger and more energetic blog!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The Art of Green Eggs and Cheese

never underestimate a woman in heels.

never wear heels to a rally.

head, shoulder, heels and toes.

i cannot wrap my head around someone being called a heel.

especially when they are being an ass.

it can take time to heal your heel.

heal thyself with vodka.

behold the healing powers of a woman in heels.

i hate voting.

it's not that i don't have an opinion.

everyone knows i do.

it's the negative campaigning that i don't like.

which is weird, because normally i love a good bitch fight.

it is better to receive than give.

i got a catalog to give a goat.

i don't want to give a goat.

i don't know anything about the people who are taking the goat.

are they part of a goat fighting ring?

i have no way of knowing if i am perpetuating goat on goat violence.

as a humanitarian, i just can’t put myself in that position.

i’d send a cock, but what kind of message would that be sending?

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is at home when the phone rings for the 15th time that day.
jenna – hello?
woman – hi, i’m just calling to remind you to vote!
jenna– when?
woman – when what?
jenna – when should i vote?
woman – tomorrow.
jenna – i am really busy tomorrow, any chance we could move voting to friday?
woman – um, no, tomorrow is voting day.
jenna – how about thursday? i have thursday’s off.
woman – well, no, it’s tomorrow.
jenna – that’s so weird. why haven’t i heard anything about this?
woman – well, it’s been on the news and we’ve made several phone calls to this number.
jenna – this number? no way. i mean, i just wish there had been some kind of clue. something on tv maybe.
woman – um, well, there has been a lot of stuff on tv this year. it’s a big election for chicago.
jenna – it is? weird. just wish someone had said something. thank you.

if only there had been endless tv campaigns, newspaper campaigns and telephone campaigns, then i might have known….

yeah, i know i’m a bit of an ass sometimes…

or am i a heel?