Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The Art of Confusion Says

there is a nun in the library.

i have no joke about that, it just makes me feel weird.

also there is a chicken in the oven.

i'm not catholic, but i find nuns intimidating.

whenever i see a nun or priest, my mind takes a flying leap into the gutter.

well, maybe not so much a flying leap, maybe more of a sashay or two-step.

i'd love to see two-stepping nuns.

never underestimate a two-step.

i like people but i hate they way they smell.

is there some sort of deodorant epidemic i am unaware of?

i had someone argue with me that they didn't need to wear deodorant.

they did.

i smashed some one's phone today.

it wasn't my fault.

they had a cricket ring tone.

you can take the girl out of the country, but you better not have a cricket around the girl.

i'm too lazy for stand up comedy.

it's too much work to be a workaholic.

i'll leave that to the people who haven't discovered sex.

just because i have tits doesn't mean i don't understand sports.

when you need silence that's when people will yell the loudest.

it's weird to live in a city that constantly smells like chocolate.

it is also impossible to diet in a city that always smells like chocolate.

there are truths in numbers.

there are lies in words.

and there are i's in lies.

and there are pricks on the bus.

i hate being succinct.

i hate seeing unsolicited penises.


i love a good daydream.

i would like someone to describe a work situation in which the words climb, latter, and box aren't used.

this week in jenna theatre jenna is sitting reading for her next class when a fellow student comes up to her in a panic.
student – ohmygod! did you get that email, did you freak out?
jenna (having no idea who this woman is) uh no? what email?
student – the email about the 10 page paper that is due tonight. i totally forgot it was due., i stayed up all night, did you get it done?
jenna – i didn’t get that email! was it on the syllabus?
student – apparently.
jenna – for multicultural right?
student – yeah.
jenna – i have no recollection of this, at all. what’s it about?
student - it was so hard. you had to have, like, 5 references and stuff on that case study at the end of the chapter.
jenna – holy shit, i didn’t know about this. (jenna frantically pulls out her syllabus) um it doesn’t say anything about that on here.
student – let me see (takes it) wait. this isn’t the syllabus.
jenna – it’s not?
student – no.
jenna – (looks at it) it is
student – wait, you’re not in my class?
jenna – i’m thinking maybe not?
student – ohmygod i’m so sorry. i totally thought you were in my class.
jenna – ohmygod you almost gave me a nervous breakdown! i thought maybe i was having memory failure or something.
student – do we even have class together?
jenna – i really don’t think so.
student – wow, well.i’d better get to class. sorry about that, i really thought you were in my class.
jenna (nods and tries to feel her face again)

i still have no idea who the hell that was.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

The Art of The Flu

this week in jenna theatre...jenna has the flu! check back next wendesday for an all new, all star blog post...

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Art of Fourth Grade Logic

i just bought some no-wedgie underwear.

it's not like i have a problem with wedgies.

i just like to be prepared.

it's always hard to make a choice like that.

there are regular and no-wedgie.

does that mean the regular pairs are going to give me wedgies?

they never gave me wedgies before.

by not buying the no-wedgie pair am i setting myself up for a wedgie problem later in life?

shouldn't at this point all your underwear just become no-wedgie underwear?

what is that saying about you?

the same is true with anti-blister socks.

even if you don't get blisters, the product now forces you to make a choice.

and what choice will you make with condoms?

there are so many condom choices.

but what amazes me is that there are so-called pleasure condoms.

(i saw a commercial)

who out there wants a painful condom?

i could have a comfortable sex experience? no thanks, i'll take the really irritating condom.

and if you’re a dude who doesn’t buy a her-pleasure condom, well, you might as well pack that shit away, cuz you are an ass.

you can’t show up with a his-pleasure condom.

i wonder about marketing choices.

and the people who buy these things.

to think i got there from underwear.

flawed logic gives me a tick.

This week in jenna theatre, jenna is riding the bus and a tourist sits down next to her with a map.
woman – is this the red line? the el?
jenna – no this is a bus…
woman – really? I thought there was only the el trains in chicago.
jenna – no, there are buses…like this one.
woman – so weird.
jenna – yea.
woman – (after studying the map) no, look this is the red line…
jenna – no, it’s not a train. it’s a bus.
woman – these things are so confusing.
jenna – you should try nyc’s subway. those are confusing.
woman – so you’re not even from here?
jenna – well, i’ve been living here for….
(woman turns to the man across the aisle)
woman – is this the red line?
man – no…it’s the bus.
(woman looks at jenna. jenna looks at woman.)

i need to start carrying a video camera with me.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The Art of First Time Users

it makes you think, maybe we're not thinking enough.

think about it.

you can try to tell me it doesn't matter, but it does.

whenever I see a truck with its door open, no driver and the keys in the ignition, i have to be physically restrained from jumping in and diving away.

i saw a tube of butt cream on the ground today.

yes, it said butt cream.

generic butt cream says a lot about a person.

someone somewhere is very unhappy.

there are some things you don't want any part of.

butt cream is one of them.

regardless of the size, whenever i carry a purse i feel like i'm suddenly one of those wide-load trucks.

i always manage to take someone out on the bus.

i think i might have given someone a concussion with my book bag.

i am a classified deadly weapon.

just ask the cia.

and the cta.

and the cpa.

and the csr.

but don't ask me to do cpr.

unless you're hot.

i might not be certified, but i'm not certifiable.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is on the elevator with an older woman. the woman keeps staring at jenna. jenna is trying not to notice. finally the woman goes over and moves the scarf out of the way of the image on the shirt.
woman - oh shit, i thought that was a penis!
jenna -'s not.
woman - looked just like one.
jenna - it's a alligator.
woman - really thought it was a penis....
(woman gets off at her floor)

one woman’s penis is another woman’s alligator.