Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Art of Taking Too Much Time

i love the word plethora.

it’s fun to say.

plethora. plethora.

ok, now it just sounds dirty. i think i ruined the word a little.

life is full of little misses.

perhaps you missed your calling in life.

eh, don't worry about missing that one, those calls usually come in collect.

perhaps you missed the point, until it poked your eye out.

and you might need that eye, for beauty, beholding, and crap.

perhaps you missed your stop.

nothing can really help you there.

might as well man up about it.

man up, as if you can suddenly put balls on and deal with a situation better.

it would seem to me they would just get in the way.

boyz II men has a new album out. as they are no longer boys, perhaps they should change their name and be called men II death?

pushing me will not get you home any faster.

next stop. back off.

i would rather not stop in the name of love.

i will, however stop in the name of steve.

i don’t know a steve, but i enjoy the name.

wait, wait, wait! how do i not know a steve? this is actually upsetting me now. surely i know a steve. holy crap. i can’t think of a steve i know!

this will be my mission for the next week.

did you paper cut yourself?

bad moods come in threes.

i’ve always been more of an odd number person.

perhaps this explains my love of blackjack.

i like naming inanimate objects.

i named my friend’s kidney stone, joan.

and not because it rhymed, it just seemed like a good name for a kidney stone.

this week in jenna theatre – jenna is on the phone for her job, trying to convince people to use their internet access instead of the printed version which they normally receive, she places a call to an older distinguished professor from california, whom shall be called steve. she has made her pitch and is waiting to hear his reply.
steve- what is going green? i don’t understand going green.
jenna – oh, it’s just a saying. basically it’s just means trying to take care of the environment, you know, going green!
steve – i don’t understand. you want me to go green?
jenna – well, i mean, you can do what you want, we’re just letting you know there’s another option if you’re interested. we can still send you the paper copy if you’d like.
steve – tree hugger bullshit?
jenna – no, just trying to…
steve - are you from the democratic party?
jenna – umm, no..i’m from **place of work**
steve – those damn democrats keep calling me. wanting me to vote for the gays.
jenna – oh. ok. well, i’m not calling from them…
steve – i like the gays, don’t get me wrong. i’m not one of those homophobes or anything.
jenna – right. (silence) so, i’ll just send you the information on paper then…

i really hate the phone.

i sound like a 4 year old.

here’s hoping you and your's have a happy holiday, don’t eat too much, but please, whatever you do….try to drink too much.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Art of Acting Against the Grain

i feel depressingly optimistic.

i am a victim of joy today. i hope it will be gone by tomorrow.

sometimes tequila seems like the answer.

but you usually forget the question.

golf groupies, you say?


there's a fine line between bad ass and dumbass.

but in the end, you're still an ass.

at least you have an ass.

half the people i know are trying to lose their ass, while the other half is trying to get an ass.

the other few are dating an ass, while some are busy being an ass.

i hardly notice anyone's ass, but i always notice when someone's being an ass.

somethings the gym just can't fix.

maybe you should try to work on yourself.

i hate when people say, "i'm going to work on myself."

like you're some kind of robot that can be tinkered with in the shop.

i guess you could always outsource. it seems to work for everyone else.

forget a christmas tree, nothing says happy holidays like a christmas shed.

i need a disposable income.

or an income.

fun fact, you can fall off a stationary bike.

when in doubt, enjoy the chocolate.

champagne is an evil, snarky little drink, with such a cute name.

most people are not to be missed.

most people have a few screws missing.

most people feel like they missed the boat.

but what they fail to realize is that water transportation is highly unreliable. they would have done better to walk.

while i strive to be a happy person, i do enjoy a taste of a deliciously bad mood. there's something quite savory about being annoyed at everything.

it makes the mind work at a different speed.

i like to lay all my thoughts on the ground and roll around in them.

makes for an entertaining sunday afternoon.

nothing makes a hot subway ride go by faster than slow track signals and a screaming baby.

just another day.

this week in jenna theatre - jenna is going to a open air market in union square. as she is about to enter the market, a man approaches her, thinking it is a petition for something, jenna stops.
man - do you live in ny?
jenna - yes.
man - where do you get your hair cut? (looks away distracted)
jenna - uh my sister does it.
man – (looking around – laughing)
jenna – umm…ok…
man – how much does she charge?
jenna – well, nothing, it’s free.
man - you should cheat on your sister (laughs)
jenna - ummm
man – (singing under his breath)
jenna – i’m good, but thanks.
man - no really. i mean, you can go to a top salon, that’s why we’re out here.
jenna – i’m ok. i don’t need all that.
man – no! listen (laughs) you can get a 100 haircut, a facial, an eyebrow wax, for nothing next to nothing! it’s ridiculous. you'll definitely want to do this.
jenna - uh no thanks, i'm really poor and my sister does my hair and...
man - (looking away) free obama condom for when things get hard
jenna - what?
man – it’s only 60 bucks.
jenna – you want me to buy a 60 dollar obama condom?
man – haha, no i was kidding. 60 for the haircut, the facial, the waxing, the massage, i mean, come on!
jenna - umm i'm really poor and i have to go now, but thanks…
man – how much would you pay?
jenna – umm, for a haircut? nothing, my hair cuts are FREE.
man – bitch.

ahh, nothing in the world quite puts you in the christmas spirit like a few hours in new york city.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

The Art of Trying to Think on an Empty Stomach

my mind feels rusty.

perhaps it's broken, again.

people often make fun of me for my unnatural hatred of umbrellas. for me, it all boils down to the logistics.

people suddenly go into this zone where they have no concept of personal space.

it's like people with strollers.

i don't care that you have a kid. you having a kid does not take precedence over my shins.

the same is true with umbrellas. just because you want to be dry, doesn't mean i want to be poked in the eye with a metal rod.

in the bathroom at my doctors office there is a sign that says "please save urine sample."


your kid is still staring at me while asking for cheese. it is kind of freaking me out.

in the waiting room at my doctors office, the selection of magazines is typical, "fit pregnancy", "mom and baby", "cooking light", "diabetic living", "health", and then there's "handy man."

one of these things is not like the other.

and none of these things is like me.

but that’s what makes the money.

i’m surprised i haven’t been kicked out of more places.

i hate when there are really awesome commercials for really stupid products. seems like a waste of creativity.

why do appointment times mean nothing to doctors?

i have shit to do.

why is my doctor wearing a bluetooth?

isn’t there a running joke that all guys who wear bluetooths are assholes? i wonder how people came to that conclusion. it seems like a gross generalization. and generally speaking, i’m not a fan of generalization.

gross or otherwise.

you can always tell the new conductors from the old subway conductors. the new ones are all so helpful, "ladies and gentlemen, at this stop you can catch the r,w,q, you can catch the bus that will take you across town in style, and if you go two blocks down from here, there is a great pizza place!"

the old conductors say "get the fuck off the train.”

this week in jenna theatre, we present a montage, in honor of jenna's second marathon that she ran this past sunday. what follows is a collection of conversations that jenna has had over the past couple of weeks.

co-worker -wow you’re running another marathon? how far is this one?
jenna - 26.2, they're all the same.

co-worker 2
- how far is this marathon?
jenna - well, this one is crazy, this one is 26.2 miles!
co-worker 2 - can't you run a shorter one?
jenna - you know, i really can't.

friend – you’ve inspired me. i ran a marathon this morning.
jenna - really? you ran a marathon this morning. before work?
friend - yup
jenna - how long did it take you?
friend - about 30 minutes.
jenna - wow that's...reallly fast...and how far did you go?
friend - 3 miles!

orthopedic - well, you need to stay off your ankle for awhile.
jenna - so no running? is the marathon out?
orthopedic - well, you can run once the swelling goes down. maybe start with a little marathon first.

right then.

you may be right, i may be crazy.

but maybe crazy is just a little bit of fun?

it's taking me awhile to get into the swing of things, but i'll be back. give me time.

and beer. give me beer….

let's blow this joint and go drunk ice-skating!