Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The Art of Love in an Elevator

have you ever found yourself staring at someone wondering what where they thinking when they got up this morning?

technically you can get up whenever you want in a day, somewhere in the world it’s morning.

people in the morning.

people in mourning.

i’m rarely in the mood for mourning in the morning.

afternoons, now that i can fully get behind.

not mourning in the afternoon.

as a general rule of thumb, mourning is nothing to get behind.

although getting in front would be nothing to shoot for.

well, your parents are hippies.

who needs to drive when you can drink?

drink until you feel nothing.

although feeling nothing is akin to death.

and death is nothing to shoot for.

it never hurts to take a shot.

it hurts to get shot.

and if you do too many shots, down you go.

but what do i know?

this week in jenna theater, jenna is in the elevator heading down to the bottom floor of her building from the 23rd floor. a small child gets on by himself at the 22nd floor and proceeds to hit every single button on the elevator. he leaves at floor 20. a man gets on at floor 19 and looks at the buttons all lit up and then looks at jenna.
jenna- i didn’t do it.
(man rolls his eyes)
jenna – i swear, it was some little kid. he did it. i think it was a boy; it’s hard to tell these days with kid’s haircuts and clothes…we could go back and check the 20th floor…
(man stares at jenna who tries to look elsewhere. it is a long, long, long ride to the bottom of the building.)

you win some, you don’t win others.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The Art of a Very Brady Sequel

apparently i’m a little intense sometimes.

i personally prefer enthusiastically focused.

someone recommended meditation to me, as a way to calm down and focus.

it’s hard to meditate when you have the hiccups.

also, mediation is boring as shit.

you know what is really annoying?

optimistic people.

nothing pisses me off more than a mary sunshine coming a long to cast a silver lining on my bad mood.

i’m trying to be emo here.

i was informed that gambling is prohibited on chicago trains and buses.

in all my years riding subways, trains and buses, i have never been approached on my commute to play slots.

sometimes the most fascinating thing on tv is the doppler weather channel.

when i was little, i once watched the weather channel for 12 hours straight. this was before there was any program other than your local weather on the 1’s.

the sad thing is, i couldn’t care less about weather.

and i still have my ongoing vendetta against umbrellas.

i spend a lot of time with people who wish they were somebody else.

i think i also spend an equal amount of time with people who were wishing they were doing somebody else.

grass is always greener in somebody else’s vagina.

too much.

how about this.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna gets a phone call from a solicitor.
phone – hi, i’m with the benevolent give-us-money-please group. we’re doing all we can to help homeless children and wives of fireman. can we count on your support?
jenna – oh i’m sorry, i don’t have a job right now, so i really can’t be of any financial support.
phone person – oh no, we’re sorry to hear you're out of work. do you expect to be employed soon?
jenna – do i expect to be employed soon…no, i really don’t.
phone person – you don’t?
jenna – in this economy?
phone person – that’s a good point. so you have nothing you could spare?
jenna – no, i’m sorry.
phone person – well, if you get a job can i call you again?
jenna – i’ll probably not have a phone by then, so no…
phone person - ok then...
jenna - wait! maybe you guys could help me?
phone person- oh that’s not really what we do…
jenna – aww, that’s too bad…i thought you helped people out?
phone person - we do but...
jenna - oh it's ok...
phone person - i'm really sorry for bothering you.
jenna - not at all…thank you for calling.

see, i can be nice.

you never know what’s in the glass, until you do the shot.

metaphors for life…

Thursday, July 15, 2010

The Art of Smaller is Smaller

i can't help it, i find people who wear hats fascinating.

i never assume anything is true until after it happens.

and even then, i’m not completely sold.

seeing is not believing, especially if you’re blind.

sometimes the things you most want are the things that you should never touch.

like mc hammer.

or a porcupines.

which begs the question, if mc hammer was blinded by porcupines, could you then be allowed to touch it?

and what is it?

can we finally have an intelligent discussion on what exactly IT is?

i think we should start having morning commute karaoke.

it would make the train ride to work quite interesting.

is it mutual respect or is it mutual annoyance?

they are not mutually exclusive.

it is surprisingly satisfying to call someone a dickhead.

try it next time someone tries to borrow money.

i’m secretly tall.

i prefer vegetables, but i have to keep up appearances.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna has called an oriental restaurant to make a reservation. jenna hates making phone reservations. jenna hates the phone.jenna – hi, i’d like to make a reservation for 4 at 7:45.
lady – ooo, 7:05…i have 7
jenna – nooo…i want 7:45
lady – (mumbling) 7:05…7:05….(to jenna) i can do 7 or 7:30
jenna – not 7:45?
lady – 7:05?
jenna – no, 7:45…
lady – nooo. i have 7.
jenna – not 7:05…7:45…closer to 8
lady – oh i have 4 for 8
jenna – fine, perfect thank you.

you gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to punch someone.

you can’t always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need.

like vodka.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

The Art of the Self Somethings

sleeping pills give me nightmares.

not being able to sleep gives me waking nightmares.

both options are annoying and end with nightmares.

i’d say sleep is overrated, but insomnia has only a few fringe benefits.

like finally knowing all the different kinds of bugs that exist in the kitchen.

i guess that one isn’t as fun as it sounds.

i like the expression putting out fires.

unless you're an actual fireman, are you really qualified to say that?

sorry for not returning your call, i had some fires to put out. stan in accounting is a total pyro.

i got flustered when i was making a reservation at benihana and they asked if we were celebrating a special occasion. i said yes. they asked what it was. i said deportation.

it was the first thing that came to mind.

apparently they don’t celebrate that there.

when do people have time to do graffiti?


it seems like someone must always be around.

i feel guilty most of the time.

even when i dream.

it's self-sabotage at its most subtle.

those with the best intentions can be off putting sometimes.

give me a person with some bad intentions any day. at least i know what i’m getting myself into.

i hate when i'm in situations where i can't cross my legs.

i've been known to bang up my knee by repeatedly attempting the action.

self-destruction at its finest.

a girl got on the subway today dressed very seventeen magazine style with a hospital bracelet on.

is this something new i don’t know about?

i remember a time when i had central air conditioning.

those were good times.

when i was your age...we had central air and heat!

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is at a self checkout station at cvs pharmacy. the machine charges her twice for something (ok, maybe jenna accidentally scanned it twice, but that is neither here nor there) jenna calls over an employee for help.
jenna – hi, this scanned twice…
employee (name tag said bob) – oh. ok.
jenna – i’m only getting one.
bob– oh, i see, well you scanned it twice, see (points to the screen) it’s on the screen two times (holds up two fingers)
jenna – right, got that, but, i only am getting one (holds up one finger)
bob – well you can go get another
jenna – but i only want one
bob – but you scanned it twice.
guy in line - come on buddy, what’s the problem? take the damn thing off already
bob – you can go get another one now
jenna – i don’t want another one, i only want one! that’s why i only got one
bob – oh, so you just want me to take this off?
jenna – yes. please.
bob – ok. next time try to only scan as many as you have.
jenna – yeah, thanks, i’ll try to remember…

normally i like being self-sufficient.

but it usually turns self-destructive in the blink of an eye.

oh well, as they say, try not to count your chickens before the water rolls off their backs.