Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The Art of Desperate Dining Decisions

i think my cats are using me for my money.

i pretend i don't hear indecent proposals.

sometimes love is blind.

and deaf.

window cleaning is yet another causality of the recession.

my building is surrounded by a cloud today. makes me feel like i'm in a star wars movie.

how is it that old ladies all smell exactly the same?

what company is out there making old lady perfume?

when doing the hokey pokey it is helpful if your shoes remain on and not flying at the head of the woman in the wheelchair.

some people are just meant to be alcoholics.

do i drink because i write or do i write because i drink?

at my friend’s wedding this weekend, we encountered an overzealous wedding planner. aside from the many odd and rude things she did, such as taking the mirror out of the bridal suite because she was afraid the girls would try to do their make-up, she also tried to run a very tight ship. when the bride’s family wanted to wait for the grandmother to arrive, the woman said, “no, i’m sorry, but come 3:30, this wedding is happening, whether she’s here or not. sorry grandma.”

the woman also coached me down the aisle by screaming at me, “walk slow, eyes ahead, walk slow, keep that chin up, smile, smile, smile!!!”

i was not aware i had entered a beauty pageant.

i love a hitchhiking horse.

i once rode a bike around for about an hour without realizing the kick stand was down.

it is amazing how many people stick their noses where they don't belong.

i have maybe picked my nose twice in the last year. guess how many times i've been caught by someone.

when asking for grant money, perhaps you should spell check your proposal?

just a thought.

my mind has shut off for the day. it's running on reserve.

some people can't wait to tell you bad news.

it's not a lack of self confidence, it's a lack of personal grooming.

i don't lie, i assist the truth.

i only wear mascara when it rains.

this week in jenna threatre, jenna and her friend are having a post lunch chat over IM.
buffyvslayer: ugh, i ate too much burger king.
i want to puke
jennaisawkward: oh no
buffyvslayer: if the guy fixing my kitchen wasn't here i would definitely be puking
but i don’t want him to hear me
jennaisawkward: right...
go outside
buffyvslayer: it's raining.
how do anorexics puke silently?
life's oldest mystery
jennaisawkward: wait, doesn't your bathroom have a fan?
buffyvslayer: i could go upstairs and puke in that bathroom
jennaisawkward: do it quietly, it's very easy to do, trust me, after many days of being hung
over at work, i have perfected the art.
buffyvslayer: i have tried---many times
so loud
jennaisawkward: you just have to relax
and focus on breathing
buffyvslayer: or i could just stop going to burger king
jennaisawkward: or that...

oh, and in other news, it still doesn’t work when you like a girl to insult her.

buying drinks usually has a much better result.

i always tell people to not take me so seriously and that they clearly don't get my sarcasm.

they clearly still don't.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The Art of Short, Sweet, and Lacking a Point

i'd be a nurse, but i really hate sick people.

i'm not surprised, just over waxed.

have you ever done a walk of shame past a group of 4th graders?

“mommy, why doesn’t she have any panties on?”

i don't know what they could possibly sell in a church gift shop.

you never think about the impact of gravity until a pair of scissors fall on your leg.

i now know what burnt x-mas smells like.

why do they put an ‘X’ in for the first part of the word christmas? if they are trying to replace the ‘christ’ part, shouldn’t they use a 't'?

i find your lack of faith disturbing. i also find your lack of pants disturbing.

yankee fans are like republicans. they never shut the fuck up about anything.

see, i’m an equal opportunity offender. ain’t no discrimination here.

i hate sentences that begin with, i love you but…

am i the only one who doesn't like to have their butt rubbed against a strangers butt? after riding the subway this morning, i'm not so sure.

i’m not cheap, i’m under paid.

you never said you missed me. i guess you never did.

when people say dreams come true, this concerns me. i have some pretty fucked up dreams.

there was one dream that involved a burning upside down airplane and some midget horses with fangs.

do men wear shorts in 40 degree weather to indicate masculinity and sexual prowess? to me, it indicates stupidity, and lack of judgment. also, possible shrinkage.

i often excuse myself from conversations i am not part of.

does anything need to be done up that high?

my anxiety has anxiety.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is talking to a friend about great tv shows.
friend - i really love that show dexter
jenna - i can't really watch too much of it, but what i've seen looks great. that actor from six feet under is awesome.
friend – yea, he’s pretty amazing. it’s weird, but there is something about that character i identify with.
jenna - you identify with dexter?
friend - yeah...
jenna - well, there is something likable about him, but...
friend - no, it's more than that. i just feel a lot like him.
jenna – hmmm. you know he's a serial murderer, right?
friend - well not that part…
jenna - …and he lacks a lot of normal emotions
friend - not that part either…
jenna - then what part do you connect with?
friend - i don't know...our sisters look a lot alike

i need to rethink some of my relationships.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The Art of Awful Artwork

i have managed to sit backwards on the train twice, each time using different reasoning skills.

it stands to reason then, that the reason is my reasoning is flawed. but at one point it was correct.

just never in the way that made sense.

it is never velour track suit weather.

i can't think over your stuttering.

you have to fall down to stand up again.

if you're hot, it's not stalking.

don't make looking at leaves sound dirty, you leaf peepers. i feel dirty even writing it.

i like going on adventures as long as i know where i'm going.

it's just not as fun when the fortune cookie is correct.

i'll support your right for freedom of speech, if you'll support my right to ear plugs.

seriously, is your voice always like that? you might want to get that checked out.

i'm just sayin'.

i’m always just sayin’.

it is important to give as good as you get. otherwise, people might think you just don’t get it.

get lost?

stop asking so many questions. nobody thinks you are actually interested.

kick an ant.

(just not your aunt)

i need back-up cheese….STAT.

pick on someone your own size.

pick a side.

it's usually extra to sub a salad, instead of fries for a side. we don't want you to be healthy. it would make our choices seem wrong.

seeing balloons floating away in the sky makes me forlorn.

it’s a cliché because it’s true.

you take such good care of me. i'm hardly worth it.

i try not to get too attached to people, or things. they tend to break.

just because you don't understand me, doesn't make me wrong.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is in the car with her friend x on the way to pick apples at an orchard. inspired by their plans, they have taken to discussing bad ass crops that they have seen in their travels.
x – in mississippi, i once went into a cotton field. it was pretty amazing to be surrounded by all that white.
jenna – that sounds awesome.
x –it was so soft, i was supprised how soft it was.
jenna - well, yes, it's cotton...cotton tends to be soft...
x – i thought had to weave it together.
jenna – yes, they do. then it's called a t-shirt...

yes, crops are bad ass.

there are some things money can't buy, for everything else, there's incredible debt that you will be paying off for years.

sometimes there are no words. thank god for that…

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The Art of Simple Service Center Debates

i hate when people only offer advice after it’s too late.


i'm going to start offering unsolicited random advice and not offer any explanation.

always turn left.

are you really that bitter, or are you just jealous?

i am a mighty crab.

apparently, i lack good communication skills. i find this surprising as i'm pretty sure i communicate well enough to let people know to back the fuck off.

i usually achieve this by saying to them, back the fuck off.

there is an art to simplicity.

i had my hand out waiting for my ticket to dispense at the train station and someone handed me a quarter.

i would like a dollar please…maybe even one of those nifty 50s.

i like to follow the rules, but i will cross against the street against a do not walk sign with no remorse.

i find wind advisories unnecessary.

wind is kind of hard not to notice.

especially when it’s blowing.

it’s not my fault i do it better.

you say i'm competitive like it's a bad thing.

sometimes you win, sometimes the vodka wins. it's a risk i'm willing to take.

cell phones are designed for exhibitionists.

don't drink and type. you'll spend hours trying to figure out what the hell you wrote.

not that that has ever happened to me…

usually i’m utterly useless, but today i have reached new heights.

this calls for a celebration. but i’m not in the mood to plan anything, so you’ll have to set it up.

why is it when you tell people you have allergies, it always relates back to them and their allergies? or their friends allergies? or their cats allergies?

these are the same people who find ways to relate everything to a seinfeld episode. if i didn’t watch the episodes when they were on, why on earth would i want you to reenact them for me now?

a disappointing lunch can ruin your day.

consider my day ruined.

i’m getting sick of all these grain breads; we got 3 grain, 5 grain, 8 grain, 150 grain.

i hate all this bread-guilt.

it's not that I have a problem with being wrong; it's that i'm never wrong.

don’t have a fiber overdose on a road trip.

i can now say i have heard a grown man in a suit order a woo woo with a straight face.

this week in jenna theatre, while jenna is a the mets game waiting in line to buy a beer, some kids begin to try to talk to her after she cheers on a hit.
kid 1 – about time huh?
jenna – yeah. better late then never!
kid 2 – you look really familiar.
jenna – oh?
kid 2 – i think i know you. do you live in queens?
jenna – yea.
kid 2 – i thought so. i think you live near me.
jenna – huh, small world. (tries to go back to watching the game)
kid 1 – i love baseball. hot girls don’t normally like baseball. it’s pretty cool.
jenna – um well, uh…they’re missing out…
kid 2 – yeah girls at our school are pretty lame
kid 1 – can i get your number?
jenna – haha, i think i’m a little bit older than you think i am. and what are you guys, like 12?
kid 1 – well, i’m 14.
kid 2 – how old are you?
jenna – how old do i look?
kid 2 – 15?
jenna – haha, i’m a little older than that...(steps up to order her beer, and turns around to leave) thanks anyways guys…

whenever i hear someone shout “oh my god!” i automatically think someone is naked.

that's just how i roll.

ahhh, bread guilt strikes again.