Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Art of Muscle Relaxers

i have a problem with mouth wash.

the bottle sizes are irrational.

i have yet to possess a medicine cabinet where one of those big fuckers fit.

i hate the way mouth wash burns.

and if it doesn’t burn, how do i know it’s really mouthwash?

you never know who wants to talk about pee.

a bus ride with more that 2 people talking to themselves in more than 2 languages?

that's what you call win win.

i think i was just your placeholder.

i hate when i like something i swore to hate.

makes me hate it all over again.

i guess it completes the cycle.

you won’t hear that shit on lion king.

i’m not interested in making sense.

maybe i should read this over when i’m not on muscle relaxers.

hello sidewalk.

where would be the fun in that?

that girl was a barrel of monkeys.

monkey see monkey do.

has anyone ever had sea monkeys?

remember when they used to try to sell those in the back of magazines?

i always wanted a sea monkey.

until i realized it wasn’t actually a monkey.

now i just want a monkey.

but i digress.

monkey is one k away from money.

the more you know.

this week in jenna theatre…how jenna fell on the sidewalk. 
jenna was walking from the bus stop to school in a slight bit of a rush, when she decided that instead of waiting for the ok to walk sign she would dart across the street. now most of you might be thinking, well this is how she fell. no this is not. she quickly dashed across the street, dodging passing cabs that seemed out to get her in what felt like a crazy version of frogger. once she was safely across the street she dodged a group of fast walking business men sliding under an awning. she continued down the slippery sidewalk, avoiding the icy patches the salters had just missed. the final crossing of the street came and she lost her balance for a second but quickly regained her composure to complete the trek. as she went to enter the turnstile doors she tripped over her own two feet and proceeded to face plant directly into the glass doors that someone was trying to turn at that exact moment. reeling from the fall, she quickly stepped back and lost her balance, falling on a patch of ice on the sidewalk.

what can ya do?

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

The Art of Making Dinner on the Run

is it better to just forget the past and move on?

if you forget the past did it even happen?

if no one talks about it and a tree falls down in the middle of it, does it make a sound?

i am feeling too fucking inquisitive for one blog.

is there a way to get what you want without having to do something you don’t want?

for instance, right now i want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

but what i don’t want is to have to get up.

or get the bread out.

or put the peanut butter on the bread, followed by the equally annoying jelly task.

then you have to put all that shit away.

and depending on the type of person you are, you might have to use two knives.

or a knife and a spoon.


i don’t judge.

and because i am one of those people, i would have to use a knife for the peanut butter and then a separate utensil for the jelly.

while they combine on the sandwich, never should the two combine in the jar.

i also freeze my bread so i’d have to toast that bad boy up.

which means getting the toaster out.

wow i waste a lot of time thinking about things.

i guess i’m the thinking man’s drinker.

this is why i don’t cook.

all you have to do is open the beer and you’re done.

i will wait for instant gratification.

and how strong is your tie to onions?

mine is weak at best.

i hate awkward bathroom eye contact.

fellas back me up here.

i mean, true i don’t have to see anyone’s junk but i'll know if you just took a smelly shit and i think that can be just as bad.

don't look at me.

i’m feeling anti you today.

but on the plus side i am feeling very pro me.

and very pro boobs.

which is convenient.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna was on the train heading to see a movie when two things happened at the same time. first she realized she was heading in the wrong direction and two the train stopped and was being evacuated. as she realized she needed to get the train going downtown she started to run back into the station, that now had smoke pouring out of it.
cta worker – yo, girl, you can’t go in there. the trains on fire.
jenna – ok, but that’s just the uptown train right?
cta – right.
jenna – so there is no fire on the downtown trains.
cta – the station is being shut down.
jenna – ok, but can i just run in there and hop on the downtown train?
cta – you see the smoke?
jenna – yea…
Cta – then no you cannot.
jenna – how bad is the fire?
cta – you really want to jump on a burning train?
jenna – hmmm
cta - really?
jenna - not really…ok, i’ll figure something out..ummm…thanks…and good luck with the whole fire thing.

yes ladies and gentlemen, i became one of “those people.”

i wouldn’t dish it out if i couldn’t take it.

but i’m still not making a fucking peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The Art of Telling Someone They Got Fat

is it better to sink or to swim?

i suppose it depends on the crocodiles.

i hate to be lied to about my food.

i hate lying to my food.

i hate when my food just lies there.

i hate the word lay.

unless i’m getting laid.

people need to relax more.

it’s just a joke after all.

who doesn’t love a good cup of guilt?

watching the news is like playing russian roulette.

i would not like to be a fly on the wall.

always trust a woman’s intuition.

never trust my sense of direction.

sometimes you’re the fly and sometimes you’re the wall.

you know, i’m still curious about those mints.

in most airports i'd be considered a suspicious package.

is that a suspicious package, or are you just happy to see me?

never gets old.

everyone gets old.

do you ever feel like your mind is stuck on a continuous loop, like one of those old school record players that keeps going round and round and round until you just want to scream or bitch slap whoever invented the fucking thing in the first place, and then find yourself standing there panting like some kind of hyped up coked-out chihuahua thinking what the fuck happened to me and how did i get here?


me either.

motivation sucks.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna has been working at the library to help pay for her schooling. she is putting books away when a woman comes up to ask for assistance.
woman – i’m looking for a book.
jenna – sure, no problem, what book are you looking for.
woman – it’s for class. dr. (name has been removed) class
jenna – ok, do you have the title of the book?
woman – it’s on the syllabus.
jenna – ok, just going to need the name of the book and i can find it for you.
woman – i’ll be right back. (comes back ) 350.
jenna – is the name of the book?
woman – no the class number.
jenna – oh, i just need the name of the book then i can help you out.
woman – (goes away and comes back) it’s by barton.
jenna – the book is by barton? and the name of the book is….(jenna types in last name and see’s 100’s of listings) i have a lot of books by barton.
woman – it’s for the 350 class.
jenna – oh ok (pretending to type) i see it, oooo sorry i think it’s been checked out…but i’m leaving here in 5 minutes, so maybe you should check back with one of the other librarians ok?

i really need to stay away from customer service.

don't call it a comeback.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Art of a Martini, Shaken and Stirred

why would you ask me about pickles?

some people just look like epic tools.

i find that after doing all the necessary research, i am in fact, pro-biotics.

my kitties are not longer little balls of fun and furry love.

they are now vicious carriers of static and shock me at every opportunity.

do we really need to bring awareness to child abuse?

are there really people out there who are not aware this is happening?

looking around on the bus i realize i have no idea how to dress for winter.

seriously, am i the only one affected by static electricity?

i finally figured out the difference between affect and effect, but i forgot.

my vocabulary shrinks significantly when i have to spell.

music is like music to my soul.

you better get on the bus.

you never know when the next one will show up.

i hate study guides. they make me feel even more confused.

i am convinced my spell checker is constantly fucking with me.

it knows perfectly well what i am trying to spell.

It is cold out here.

in addition to being cold, it is also hard for a pimp.

i have trust issues, trust me.

trust no one because the truth is out there.

it will also set you free.

enjoy it while it lasts.

This week in jenna theatre, jenna is crammed into the bus with what feels like an incorrect ratio of air to people. A woman next to jenna starts trying to talk to her. despite their uncomfortably close proximity, the woman begins to yell.
jenna – what?
jenna – not yet. i’ve been busy.
jenna – oh.
jenna – ummm…?
jenna – i have a mother.
jenna – probably.
jenna – i’m sorry, i can’t hear you, what?
jenna – hmmm sorry, just too loud in here. oh well, my stop….

sometimes it is better to take the next bus, after all.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The Art of Playing with Your Friend's Food

i once used a toilet so new it has the price tag still on it.

the toilets in home depot really should be labeled better.

sometimes i feel like i am talking and no one is listening.

maybe because i don't use correct spelling.

i love when i make notes to myself for this blog and see them days later.

choke fish.

that's all i wrote.

any clues?

i'm sure it would have been some witty observation.

but now, i got nothing.

it's hard to work with people who are always wrong when you are always right.

not many people will sit next to a girl in a panda hat.

i feel as right as rain, which is never right and even harder to write.

you should never be left to your own devices.

unless that device is a gps.

what did people do before hand sanitizers?

it’s a dirty world out there.

when people tell me they don’t have tv’s, i start to wonder what’s wrong with them.

what do you do at night?

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is corresponding with a group member by email for an upcoming school project. the name has been changed and the project is vague.
to: steve
from : jenna
subject : the project

hey are you ready to work on the presentation? how do you want to work on this?

to : jenna
from: steve
subject : re the project

yo. um. i think that we should do a powerpoint.

to: steve
from : jenna
subject : re: re: the project

i mean which article should we focus on. i feel like the third one would be the best. we can just break it up into parts really easily.

to : jenna
from: steve
subject :re: re: re: the project

wait. what article?

to: steve
from : jenna
subject : re: re: re: re: the project

um…the third one…the harrisburg one?

to : jenna
from: steve
subject : re: re: re: re: re: the project

for what class.

to: steve
from : jenna
subject : re: re: re: re: re: re: the project

? we only have one class together.

to : jenna
from: steve
subject : re: re: re: re: re: re: re: the project

oh found it!

to: steve
from : jenna
subject : re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re the project

awesome. so, does that work?

to : jenna
from: steve
subject : re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: the project

yup. i’ll start on the powerpoint and send it to you when i’m done.

to : jenna
from: steve
subject : re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: the project

i’m sorry j, i couldn’t do the powerpoint, my email isn’t working.

to: steve
from : jenna
subject : re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: the project

…then how did you send this?

to : jenna
from: steve
subject : re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: the project

oh, right…

and people wonder why i drink.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The Art of Driving in the Fast Lane

just for your information, the middle lane is not a right turn lane.

my hair smells like bacon.

the guy next to me is looking at me like he wants to eat me.

if someone asks if they can ask me a question, i always say no.

not cause i'm a bitch, but because...oh wait, no it's cuz i'm a bitch.

i enjoy life a la mode.

it's best if you close your eyes when i'm driving.

i could drive all night.

it's best if i close my eyes while driving.

you drive me crazy.

i am lacking the drive to drive.

it is misleading to call a golf club a driver.

it is also misleading to call a golf club a club as it looks nothing like something the flintstones would be interested in.

golf is not a sport because i cannot play it very well.

my blog, my rules.

your stench is literally smacking me in the face.

also, the bus driver is driving like we're in some sort of racing game.

i'd like to arrive alive damn it.

if i were a bus driver, i would probably try to make people fall over.

maybe i shouldn't put that on my bus driver application.

i apply myself but it seems no one is hiring.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is sitting in the library reading a book. Someone comes over to talk to – hi. good book?
jenna – yea…
man – is it for class?
jenna – yea…
man – i was going to read but then i decided that i would not.
jenna – a bold choice in the library.
man – what?
jenna – never mind.
man – i am so bored right now. i have nothing to do. can i ask you a question?
jenna – no.
man – oh right. reading.
man – so what do you think about eating?
jenna – eating?
man – yeah, are you hungry?
jenna – no, not really….
man – you’re not? i’m starving!
jenna – hmm, maybe you should try reading…i hear it’s really good for that.
man – you’re really pretty.
jenna – huh
man – would you like to go out sometime?
jenna – no, i’m going to be really busy
man – you don’t even know when
jenna – i’m pretty sure i’ll be reading…

enough to drive you to drink.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Art of Saying All the Wrong Things in Low Places

for whom the elevator tolls.

ask not what you can do for your country, for that requires too much work.

stop, drop and roll a joint.

don't put off today what you can

don't make a mountain out of a monkey.

sometimes it can be as hard as finding a needle in a sewing kit

early to bed and early to rise, might make you healthy but it won't make you popular with your friends.

ever feel stuck between a mouse and a mole hill?

it's like fighting a downhill battle.

boys, can't live with them, can't afford anything without them.

women are like a box of tic tacs.

do you ever feel like the lights are on and you're the one paying the bills?

make sure your body doesn't cash checks that your mind can't write.

this week in jenna theatre...if jenna had a kid, this is what he would do...

come back next week for a longer, younger and more energetic blog!