Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Art of a Martini, Shaken and Stirred

why would you ask me about pickles?

some people just look like epic tools.

i find that after doing all the necessary research, i am in fact, pro-biotics.

my kitties are not longer little balls of fun and furry love.

they are now vicious carriers of static and shock me at every opportunity.

do we really need to bring awareness to child abuse?

are there really people out there who are not aware this is happening?

looking around on the bus i realize i have no idea how to dress for winter.

seriously, am i the only one affected by static electricity?

i finally figured out the difference between affect and effect, but i forgot.

my vocabulary shrinks significantly when i have to spell.

music is like music to my soul.

you better get on the bus.

you never know when the next one will show up.

i hate study guides. they make me feel even more confused.

i am convinced my spell checker is constantly fucking with me.

it knows perfectly well what i am trying to spell.

It is cold out here.

in addition to being cold, it is also hard for a pimp.

i have trust issues, trust me.

trust no one because the truth is out there.

it will also set you free.

enjoy it while it lasts.

This week in jenna theatre, jenna is crammed into the bus with what feels like an incorrect ratio of air to people. A woman next to jenna starts trying to talk to her. despite their uncomfortably close proximity, the woman begins to yell.
jenna – what?
jenna – not yet. i’ve been busy.
jenna – oh.
jenna – ummm…?
jenna – i have a mother.
jenna – probably.
jenna – i’m sorry, i can’t hear you, what?
jenna – hmmm sorry, just too loud in here. oh well, my stop….

sometimes it is better to take the next bus, after all.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The Art of Playing with Your Friend's Food

i once used a toilet so new it has the price tag still on it.

the toilets in home depot really should be labeled better.

sometimes i feel like i am talking and no one is listening.

maybe because i don't use correct spelling.

i love when i make notes to myself for this blog and see them days later.

choke fish.

that's all i wrote.

any clues?

i'm sure it would have been some witty observation.

but now, i got nothing.

it's hard to work with people who are always wrong when you are always right.

not many people will sit next to a girl in a panda hat.

i feel as right as rain, which is never right and even harder to write.

you should never be left to your own devices.

unless that device is a gps.

what did people do before hand sanitizers?

it’s a dirty world out there.

when people tell me they don’t have tv’s, i start to wonder what’s wrong with them.

what do you do at night?

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is corresponding with a group member by email for an upcoming school project. the name has been changed and the project is vague.
to: steve
from : jenna
subject : the project

hey are you ready to work on the presentation? how do you want to work on this?

to : jenna
from: steve
subject : re the project

yo. um. i think that we should do a powerpoint.

to: steve
from : jenna
subject : re: re: the project

i mean which article should we focus on. i feel like the third one would be the best. we can just break it up into parts really easily.

to : jenna
from: steve
subject :re: re: re: the project

wait. what article?

to: steve
from : jenna
subject : re: re: re: re: the project

um…the third one…the harrisburg one?

to : jenna
from: steve
subject : re: re: re: re: re: the project

for what class.

to: steve
from : jenna
subject : re: re: re: re: re: re: the project

? we only have one class together.

to : jenna
from: steve
subject : re: re: re: re: re: re: re: the project

oh found it!

to: steve
from : jenna
subject : re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re the project

awesome. so, does that work?

to : jenna
from: steve
subject : re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: the project

yup. i’ll start on the powerpoint and send it to you when i’m done.

to : jenna
from: steve
subject : re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: the project

i’m sorry j, i couldn’t do the powerpoint, my email isn’t working.

to: steve
from : jenna
subject : re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: the project

…then how did you send this?

to : jenna
from: steve
subject : re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: the project

oh, right…

and people wonder why i drink.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The Art of Driving in the Fast Lane

just for your information, the middle lane is not a right turn lane.

my hair smells like bacon.

the guy next to me is looking at me like he wants to eat me.

if someone asks if they can ask me a question, i always say no.

not cause i'm a bitch, but because...oh wait, no it's cuz i'm a bitch.

i enjoy life a la mode.

it's best if you close your eyes when i'm driving.

i could drive all night.

it's best if i close my eyes while driving.

you drive me crazy.

i am lacking the drive to drive.

it is misleading to call a golf club a driver.

it is also misleading to call a golf club a club as it looks nothing like something the flintstones would be interested in.

golf is not a sport because i cannot play it very well.

my blog, my rules.

your stench is literally smacking me in the face.

also, the bus driver is driving like we're in some sort of racing game.

i'd like to arrive alive damn it.

if i were a bus driver, i would probably try to make people fall over.

maybe i shouldn't put that on my bus driver application.

i apply myself but it seems no one is hiring.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is sitting in the library reading a book. Someone comes over to talk to – hi. good book?
jenna – yea…
man – is it for class?
jenna – yea…
man – i was going to read but then i decided that i would not.
jenna – a bold choice in the library.
man – what?
jenna – never mind.
man – i am so bored right now. i have nothing to do. can i ask you a question?
jenna – no.
man – oh right. reading.
man – so what do you think about eating?
jenna – eating?
man – yeah, are you hungry?
jenna – no, not really….
man – you’re not? i’m starving!
jenna – hmm, maybe you should try reading…i hear it’s really good for that.
man – you’re really pretty.
jenna – huh
man – would you like to go out sometime?
jenna – no, i’m going to be really busy
man – you don’t even know when
jenna – i’m pretty sure i’ll be reading…

enough to drive you to drink.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Art of Saying All the Wrong Things in Low Places

for whom the elevator tolls.

ask not what you can do for your country, for that requires too much work.

stop, drop and roll a joint.

don't put off today what you can

don't make a mountain out of a monkey.

sometimes it can be as hard as finding a needle in a sewing kit

early to bed and early to rise, might make you healthy but it won't make you popular with your friends.

ever feel stuck between a mouse and a mole hill?

it's like fighting a downhill battle.

boys, can't live with them, can't afford anything without them.

women are like a box of tic tacs.

do you ever feel like the lights are on and you're the one paying the bills?

make sure your body doesn't cash checks that your mind can't write.

this week in jenna theatre...if jenna had a kid, this is what he would do...

come back next week for a longer, younger and more energetic blog!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The Art of Green Eggs and Cheese

never underestimate a woman in heels.

never wear heels to a rally.

head, shoulder, heels and toes.

i cannot wrap my head around someone being called a heel.

especially when they are being an ass.

it can take time to heal your heel.

heal thyself with vodka.

behold the healing powers of a woman in heels.

i hate voting.

it's not that i don't have an opinion.

everyone knows i do.

it's the negative campaigning that i don't like.

which is weird, because normally i love a good bitch fight.

it is better to receive than give.

i got a catalog to give a goat.

i don't want to give a goat.

i don't know anything about the people who are taking the goat.

are they part of a goat fighting ring?

i have no way of knowing if i am perpetuating goat on goat violence.

as a humanitarian, i just can’t put myself in that position.

i’d send a cock, but what kind of message would that be sending?

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is at home when the phone rings for the 15th time that day.
jenna – hello?
woman – hi, i’m just calling to remind you to vote!
jenna– when?
woman – when what?
jenna – when should i vote?
woman – tomorrow.
jenna – i am really busy tomorrow, any chance we could move voting to friday?
woman – um, no, tomorrow is voting day.
jenna – how about thursday? i have thursday’s off.
woman – well, no, it’s tomorrow.
jenna – that’s so weird. why haven’t i heard anything about this?
woman – well, it’s been on the news and we’ve made several phone calls to this number.
jenna – this number? no way. i mean, i just wish there had been some kind of clue. something on tv maybe.
woman – um, well, there has been a lot of stuff on tv this year. it’s a big election for chicago.
jenna – it is? weird. just wish someone had said something. thank you.

if only there had been endless tv campaigns, newspaper campaigns and telephone campaigns, then i might have known….

yeah, i know i’m a bit of an ass sometimes…

or am i a heel?

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The Art of Confusion Says

there is a nun in the library.

i have no joke about that, it just makes me feel weird.

also there is a chicken in the oven.

i'm not catholic, but i find nuns intimidating.

whenever i see a nun or priest, my mind takes a flying leap into the gutter.

well, maybe not so much a flying leap, maybe more of a sashay or two-step.

i'd love to see two-stepping nuns.

never underestimate a two-step.

i like people but i hate they way they smell.

is there some sort of deodorant epidemic i am unaware of?

i had someone argue with me that they didn't need to wear deodorant.

they did.

i smashed some one's phone today.

it wasn't my fault.

they had a cricket ring tone.

you can take the girl out of the country, but you better not have a cricket around the girl.

i'm too lazy for stand up comedy.

it's too much work to be a workaholic.

i'll leave that to the people who haven't discovered sex.

just because i have tits doesn't mean i don't understand sports.

when you need silence that's when people will yell the loudest.

it's weird to live in a city that constantly smells like chocolate.

it is also impossible to diet in a city that always smells like chocolate.

there are truths in numbers.

there are lies in words.

and there are i's in lies.

and there are pricks on the bus.

i hate being succinct.

i hate seeing unsolicited penises.


i love a good daydream.

i would like someone to describe a work situation in which the words climb, latter, and box aren't used.

this week in jenna theatre jenna is sitting reading for her next class when a fellow student comes up to her in a panic.
student – ohmygod! did you get that email, did you freak out?
jenna (having no idea who this woman is) uh no? what email?
student – the email about the 10 page paper that is due tonight. i totally forgot it was due., i stayed up all night, did you get it done?
jenna – i didn’t get that email! was it on the syllabus?
student – apparently.
jenna – for multicultural right?
student – yeah.
jenna – i have no recollection of this, at all. what’s it about?
student - it was so hard. you had to have, like, 5 references and stuff on that case study at the end of the chapter.
jenna – holy shit, i didn’t know about this. (jenna frantically pulls out her syllabus) um it doesn’t say anything about that on here.
student – let me see (takes it) wait. this isn’t the syllabus.
jenna – it’s not?
student – no.
jenna – (looks at it) it is
student – wait, you’re not in my class?
jenna – i’m thinking maybe not?
student – ohmygod i’m so sorry. i totally thought you were in my class.
jenna – ohmygod you almost gave me a nervous breakdown! i thought maybe i was having memory failure or something.
student – do we even have class together?
jenna – i really don’t think so.
student – wow, well.i’d better get to class. sorry about that, i really thought you were in my class.
jenna (nods and tries to feel her face again)

i still have no idea who the hell that was.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

The Art of The Flu

this week in jenna theatre...jenna has the flu! check back next wendesday for an all new, all star blog post...

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Art of Fourth Grade Logic

i just bought some no-wedgie underwear.

it's not like i have a problem with wedgies.

i just like to be prepared.

it's always hard to make a choice like that.

there are regular and no-wedgie.

does that mean the regular pairs are going to give me wedgies?

they never gave me wedgies before.

by not buying the no-wedgie pair am i setting myself up for a wedgie problem later in life?

shouldn't at this point all your underwear just become no-wedgie underwear?

what is that saying about you?

the same is true with anti-blister socks.

even if you don't get blisters, the product now forces you to make a choice.

and what choice will you make with condoms?

there are so many condom choices.

but what amazes me is that there are so-called pleasure condoms.

(i saw a commercial)

who out there wants a painful condom?

i could have a comfortable sex experience? no thanks, i'll take the really irritating condom.

and if you’re a dude who doesn’t buy a her-pleasure condom, well, you might as well pack that shit away, cuz you are an ass.

you can’t show up with a his-pleasure condom.

i wonder about marketing choices.

and the people who buy these things.

to think i got there from underwear.

flawed logic gives me a tick.

This week in jenna theatre, jenna is riding the bus and a tourist sits down next to her with a map.
woman – is this the red line? the el?
jenna – no this is a bus…
woman – really? I thought there was only the el trains in chicago.
jenna – no, there are buses…like this one.
woman – so weird.
jenna – yea.
woman – (after studying the map) no, look this is the red line…
jenna – no, it’s not a train. it’s a bus.
woman – these things are so confusing.
jenna – you should try nyc’s subway. those are confusing.
woman – so you’re not even from here?
jenna – well, i’ve been living here for….
(woman turns to the man across the aisle)
woman – is this the red line?
man – no…it’s the bus.
(woman looks at jenna. jenna looks at woman.)

i need to start carrying a video camera with me.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The Art of First Time Users

it makes you think, maybe we're not thinking enough.

think about it.

you can try to tell me it doesn't matter, but it does.

whenever I see a truck with its door open, no driver and the keys in the ignition, i have to be physically restrained from jumping in and diving away.

i saw a tube of butt cream on the ground today.

yes, it said butt cream.

generic butt cream says a lot about a person.

someone somewhere is very unhappy.

there are some things you don't want any part of.

butt cream is one of them.

regardless of the size, whenever i carry a purse i feel like i'm suddenly one of those wide-load trucks.

i always manage to take someone out on the bus.

i think i might have given someone a concussion with my book bag.

i am a classified deadly weapon.

just ask the cia.

and the cta.

and the cpa.

and the csr.

but don't ask me to do cpr.

unless you're hot.

i might not be certified, but i'm not certifiable.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is on the elevator with an older woman. the woman keeps staring at jenna. jenna is trying not to notice. finally the woman goes over and moves the scarf out of the way of the image on the shirt.
woman - oh shit, i thought that was a penis!
jenna -'s not.
woman - looked just like one.
jenna - it's a alligator.
woman - really thought it was a penis....
(woman gets off at her floor)

one woman’s penis is another woman’s alligator.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

The Art of the Game and the Pain

i would love to go to sleep.

i just don’t know how to get there.

i get lost very easily.

someone should look into updating mapquest or something.

sleep is an elusive bitch sometimes.

elusive elves for christmas.

say that 10 times fast.

actually that’s pretty easy to say 10 times fast.

i would suck as a tongue twister maker upper.

is that a job?

seems like it would be hard to get paid from that nonsense.

can you believe the time?

time is nothing but a number.

age is nothing but wasted time.

time out, it’s all too serious.

seriously, i cannot find sleep.

it appears to be missing.

and i am so tired.

so very tired.

do you ever feel like you’ve been chasing cats on crack?

whenever i hear a police siren i wonder what i did wrong.

i can appreciate how men feel like they need hair, but sometimes men just abuse the privilege.

not pointing fingers, but you know who you are.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is in her night class while following the game on her computer. (please note - jenna never does this, this is a fake situation, jenna always pays attention in class, dad, always!) a few people in the class are all waiting to hear what happens during the game.
teacher – so if we look at what the behavior of the parent’s results in terms of the child’s response we can see which one is the most effective in the chart…
jenna – (touchdown!) YES! awesome!!!
teacher – excuse me?
jenna – no, i just totally get it now, i was really confused before. the chart helped. it was like it went from zero to 7.
(classmates who know the game was on all clap or nod and vocally agree)

i can only leave with a smile and a whole lot of knowledge.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The Art of the Boom-Shakka-Lakka

you never hear about selfish shellfish.

surely they must exist.

you just know there's a crustacean out there going mine, bitch.

or a lobster not playing well with others.

have you ever had to pee at the canadian border?

it's hard to talk to someone who doesn't listen.

i never listen.

listening is hard to do when you yell.

listen to the sound of sirens.

if you don't know the answer, make something up.

no one is listening anyway.

try not to steal my ideas.

stop being so possessive over your possessions.

they're just things.

and they're not really yours anyway.

god i hate philosophy.

give me something hard.

double shot of whiskey.

i'm so thirsty i'm contemplating taking a sip out of that persons soda.

i suppose that would not be a socially acceptable thing.

some people look tired all the time.

i wonder if they're actually tired or if they just look like it.

only one way to find out.

we should outlaw rhetorical questions, don’t you think?

that wasn’t rhetorical.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is in the elevator coming home from a long day of school a woman gets on the 2nd floor. jenna has seen this woman in the building a few times and normally they exchange hellos and talk about running or working out.
woman – hi
jenna – hi there
woman – been working out late again
jenna – yeah – how’s that been going?
woman – well, i’m trying to get laid here
jenna – haha, oh really
woman – it’s been a long time.
jenna – oh, i’m so sorry to hear that
woman – like a really, really long time.
jenna – well – keep at it…?
woman – i try. lately, i’ve been trying to work out whenever i want sex
jenna – oh, geeze…
woman – i am working out now like, all the time…
jenna – oh, look, my floor…uh…good luck with all that…
woman – i’ll let you know…

oh man, please don’t.

just, please don’t.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The Art of Being as Mature as a 4 Year Old

there are two kinds of people in the world, those who fart and those who lie about farting.

which one are you?

those who are tired live a much more interesting life.

i hate having to pay attention to things i have no interest in.

it takes to much of my time.

which is good on the days i have nothing to do.

there is never nothing to do.

never say never.


i love a good expression, even when it gets stuck in my teeth.

one of my favorite games on my phone is a tip calculator.

sometimes i wonder if i never called, would you still exist?

too deep for a wednesday?

this week in jenna theatre, jenna has arrived to her second week of school and is trying to get into get her id card.
lady - can you spell your name?
jenna - j-e-n-n-a
lady - hmmm
jenna - what?
lady - i'm not finding you. may i see your driver’s license?
jenna - uh, sure.
lady - you're not showing up. is this your first day?
jenna - no
lady - are you sure you're registered?
jenna - yes...and i've been billed a crap load of money too.
lady - hmmm. have you been to classes yet?
jenna - yes. last week, this week. i'm actually on break from class now.
lady - hmm. has anyone been able to find you?
jenna - find me where?
lady - at school?
jenna - i'm here now.
lady - i'm just not finding you. maybe you don't go here.
jenna - they found me to give me my upass, they found me to give me n email address and they found me to send me bills. i'm sure i go to school here.
lady - hmm, i'll give you an id for now, but i am going to investigate you further.
jenna - you really think i'd be going through all this drama to get an id here when i’m not a student?
lady - ok picture taken.
jenna - i wasn't even ready!
lady - here's your id and you're all set.
jenna - holy crap, this looks like lindsay lohan's mug shoot!
lady - have a nice day and good luck in "school"

hmmm indeed.

i wonder how long i should wait to try to get a replacement id...

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The Art of Farting with Cheese

sometimes i fear i am incapable of dealing with human feces.

i’m not sure this is a bad thing, but it is something i have noticed.

which side of the tracks is the wrong side of the tracks?

how do you know?

do they put up a sign?

it would seem to me that living on either sides of the track would be less than desirable.

whenever i hear trains whistle i have to fight the urge to drop to the ground.

stop drop and roll over.

after a few drinks, i’ll stop, drop and go to sleep.

sleep is for the weak.

nothing good happens after 3am.


i have been reduced to mocking.

not mocking boobs, mind you.

you should never mock boobs.

bad things will happen to you.

rather i am now a mocker of all things purple.

i’m looking at you, grapes.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is waiting for the bus at night to head home. a woman walks up to her.
woman – night
jenna – yes
woman – do you have change?
jenna – i don’t, i’m sorry.
woman – you got cheese?
jenna – cheese?
woman – i like cheese. do you like cheese?
jenna – cheese is good.
woman - i love cheese.
woman – why don’t you got cheese?
jenna – well, it doesn’t carry well in the heat.
woman – it melts.
jenna – right.
woman – cheese makes me fart.
(jenna looks around for the bus)
woman – i just farted!
jenna – but i didn’t even give you any cheese!
woman – just thinking about it…there i go again!
(jenna decides to walk)

sometimes it doesn’t even matter.

those are the times i drink.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

The Art of Aged Cheese

as a rule i hate it when people tell me what to do.

but sometimes i wish someone would tell me what to do with my life.

this year has flown by.

except for the days when time stood still.

time is one of those things i feel i have no concept of.

who needs time when you have money?

i have neither money nor time.

which, i suppose is why it's so difficult to buy more time.

this is why birthdays shouldn't count.

in case you haven't guessed, it's my birthday today.

as per usual, i am accepting it with my typical style and grace.

for those who don't know me, this means kicking and screaming.

i wonder who invented those horrible birthday songs at restaurants.

i know i couldn't give less than two shits that it's some strangers birthday and i will not give them a giant birthday cheer.

now if this person was buying me dinner, i'll put on a hat and do the tappity tap.

no idea what that means.

please don't wish me a happy birthday.

but feel free to send money, i'm not sure how i'm going to pay rent.
i think you should be as old as your bank account indicates.

i have the face of a 14 year old, the body of a 20 year old and the liver of a 50 year old.

i can't wait to see what happens when they cut me open to count the rings.

girls just want to have fun...and vodka...girls really want vodka.

words to live by.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna gets on the m train in queens to head to the city. a man gets on with her in a red shirt with a guitar on his back. jenna transfers to the e train, the man does too. jenna pays no mind, it's a quite common transfer. jenna gets off and transfers to the 6 line. after waiting 5 minutes or so, the train pulls in, and who should get off right at the car she was about to get on was that same man, in the red shirt with the guitar. jenna still has no idea where the fuck he came from or how, if he was indeed on the same train with her, he managed to appear on the very train she was waiting for.

no seriously, this is worse than sudoku.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

The Art of the Eh!

i am against watches.

however i do like time.

my life is in a constant state of termoil anyway.

you can hardly keep time with that.

i never know what time zone to be in.

i wish i could change time zones depending on how i felt that day.

sometimes, i’m really just in a california state of time.

i wouldn’t mind a california roll right about now.

i enjoy sushi, but i think it’s more for the chopsticks.

i wish i could be one of those cool sushi eaters, but the thought of eating anything raw just seems so wrong.

haven’t we come so far in technology that the need to eat raw food is unnecessary?

it’s like ordering a rare steak.

you know you pay the same amount, no matter how long it’s on the grill.

i think i should be a vegetarian again.

if only vegetables tasted like chicken.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is at a farm in canada where chickens and a rooster are allowed to roam free. while on the way down to swim, the rooster starts to eye jenna up and down. jenna, armed with a white towel to show that she comes in peace, waves the towel at the rooster to scoot it away. the rooster begins its retreat and walks down the hill. jenna, satisfied that the rooster is away, turns around to walk up the hill towards her co-swimmer alex, when suddenly there is a loud noise and alex, moving into action with a shovel, yells at her to run. jenna begins to scream and deciding alex has provided good advice, begins to run, as she is now being chased by the rooster. the rooster manages to graze the back of her calf before alex can scare him off. no harm done, except for jenna’s pride. jenna believes that attacking her from behind instead of face on proves that the rooster is indeed chicken.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The Art of Swimming with Bears

you ever find yourself thinking, i wonder what that would taste like dipped in chocolate?

i’m sensing a theme here.

themes are not to be confused with moods.

i’m moody.

i love it when you imply sex.

i love it when you imply chocolate.

i have a one track mind.

it just jumped the track.

track down the culprit. he has got to be around here somewhere.

with his track record and all.

i wish i could have been a tracking dog.

well, then i’d have to be a dog.

i don’t want to be a dog.

a tracking person?

are there still tracking people anymore, with gps and all that?

who knows, i get lost all the time.

this week in jenna theatre, while at the free lincoln park zoo in beautiful chicago, il, jenna walks up to the bear exhibit to look for the bears. a woman is there with her significant other.
woman – i don’t see the bear.
man – he’s right there.
woman – this is stupid, he’s not here, he’s like, hibernating or something.
man – they hibernate in the winter.
woman – well, i don’t see no bear.
man – i see him, he’s eating right in front of you.
woman – this zoo is a rip off.
man – it’s free…
woman – so they can just bring us here and show us where a bear would be if a bear was here?
man – but a bear is here, he’s right there.
woman – you always do this to me.
man – do what?
womna- lie to me.
man – about what?
woman – car payments, dinner, everything. now bears!
man – I don’t lie about bears…he’s right fucking there.
jenna – excuse me, would you mind taking my picture in front of the bear?

i do so love a good fight.

but even more so when it’s mine.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The Art of Love in an Elevator

have you ever found yourself staring at someone wondering what where they thinking when they got up this morning?

technically you can get up whenever you want in a day, somewhere in the world it’s morning.

people in the morning.

people in mourning.

i’m rarely in the mood for mourning in the morning.

afternoons, now that i can fully get behind.

not mourning in the afternoon.

as a general rule of thumb, mourning is nothing to get behind.

although getting in front would be nothing to shoot for.

well, your parents are hippies.

who needs to drive when you can drink?

drink until you feel nothing.

although feeling nothing is akin to death.

and death is nothing to shoot for.

it never hurts to take a shot.

it hurts to get shot.

and if you do too many shots, down you go.

but what do i know?

this week in jenna theater, jenna is in the elevator heading down to the bottom floor of her building from the 23rd floor. a small child gets on by himself at the 22nd floor and proceeds to hit every single button on the elevator. he leaves at floor 20. a man gets on at floor 19 and looks at the buttons all lit up and then looks at jenna.
jenna- i didn’t do it.
(man rolls his eyes)
jenna – i swear, it was some little kid. he did it. i think it was a boy; it’s hard to tell these days with kid’s haircuts and clothes…we could go back and check the 20th floor…
(man stares at jenna who tries to look elsewhere. it is a long, long, long ride to the bottom of the building.)

you win some, you don’t win others.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The Art of a Very Brady Sequel

apparently i’m a little intense sometimes.

i personally prefer enthusiastically focused.

someone recommended meditation to me, as a way to calm down and focus.

it’s hard to meditate when you have the hiccups.

also, mediation is boring as shit.

you know what is really annoying?

optimistic people.

nothing pisses me off more than a mary sunshine coming a long to cast a silver lining on my bad mood.

i’m trying to be emo here.

i was informed that gambling is prohibited on chicago trains and buses.

in all my years riding subways, trains and buses, i have never been approached on my commute to play slots.

sometimes the most fascinating thing on tv is the doppler weather channel.

when i was little, i once watched the weather channel for 12 hours straight. this was before there was any program other than your local weather on the 1’s.

the sad thing is, i couldn’t care less about weather.

and i still have my ongoing vendetta against umbrellas.

i spend a lot of time with people who wish they were somebody else.

i think i also spend an equal amount of time with people who were wishing they were doing somebody else.

grass is always greener in somebody else’s vagina.

too much.

how about this.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna gets a phone call from a solicitor.
phone – hi, i’m with the benevolent give-us-money-please group. we’re doing all we can to help homeless children and wives of fireman. can we count on your support?
jenna – oh i’m sorry, i don’t have a job right now, so i really can’t be of any financial support.
phone person – oh no, we’re sorry to hear you're out of work. do you expect to be employed soon?
jenna – do i expect to be employed soon…no, i really don’t.
phone person – you don’t?
jenna – in this economy?
phone person – that’s a good point. so you have nothing you could spare?
jenna – no, i’m sorry.
phone person – well, if you get a job can i call you again?
jenna – i’ll probably not have a phone by then, so no…
phone person - ok then...
jenna - wait! maybe you guys could help me?
phone person- oh that’s not really what we do…
jenna – aww, that’s too bad…i thought you helped people out?
phone person - we do but...
jenna - oh it's ok...
phone person - i'm really sorry for bothering you.
jenna - not at all…thank you for calling.

see, i can be nice.

you never know what’s in the glass, until you do the shot.

metaphors for life…

Thursday, July 15, 2010

The Art of Smaller is Smaller

i can't help it, i find people who wear hats fascinating.

i never assume anything is true until after it happens.

and even then, i’m not completely sold.

seeing is not believing, especially if you’re blind.

sometimes the things you most want are the things that you should never touch.

like mc hammer.

or a porcupines.

which begs the question, if mc hammer was blinded by porcupines, could you then be allowed to touch it?

and what is it?

can we finally have an intelligent discussion on what exactly IT is?

i think we should start having morning commute karaoke.

it would make the train ride to work quite interesting.

is it mutual respect or is it mutual annoyance?

they are not mutually exclusive.

it is surprisingly satisfying to call someone a dickhead.

try it next time someone tries to borrow money.

i’m secretly tall.

i prefer vegetables, but i have to keep up appearances.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna has called an oriental restaurant to make a reservation. jenna hates making phone reservations. jenna hates the phone.jenna – hi, i’d like to make a reservation for 4 at 7:45.
lady – ooo, 7:05…i have 7
jenna – nooo…i want 7:45
lady – (mumbling) 7:05…7:05….(to jenna) i can do 7 or 7:30
jenna – not 7:45?
lady – 7:05?
jenna – no, 7:45…
lady – nooo. i have 7.
jenna – not 7:05…7:45…closer to 8
lady – oh i have 4 for 8
jenna – fine, perfect thank you.

you gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to punch someone.

you can’t always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need.

like vodka.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

The Art of the Self Somethings

sleeping pills give me nightmares.

not being able to sleep gives me waking nightmares.

both options are annoying and end with nightmares.

i’d say sleep is overrated, but insomnia has only a few fringe benefits.

like finally knowing all the different kinds of bugs that exist in the kitchen.

i guess that one isn’t as fun as it sounds.

i like the expression putting out fires.

unless you're an actual fireman, are you really qualified to say that?

sorry for not returning your call, i had some fires to put out. stan in accounting is a total pyro.

i got flustered when i was making a reservation at benihana and they asked if we were celebrating a special occasion. i said yes. they asked what it was. i said deportation.

it was the first thing that came to mind.

apparently they don’t celebrate that there.

when do people have time to do graffiti?


it seems like someone must always be around.

i feel guilty most of the time.

even when i dream.

it's self-sabotage at its most subtle.

those with the best intentions can be off putting sometimes.

give me a person with some bad intentions any day. at least i know what i’m getting myself into.

i hate when i'm in situations where i can't cross my legs.

i've been known to bang up my knee by repeatedly attempting the action.

self-destruction at its finest.

a girl got on the subway today dressed very seventeen magazine style with a hospital bracelet on.

is this something new i don’t know about?

i remember a time when i had central air conditioning.

those were good times.

when i was your age...we had central air and heat!

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is at a self checkout station at cvs pharmacy. the machine charges her twice for something (ok, maybe jenna accidentally scanned it twice, but that is neither here nor there) jenna calls over an employee for help.
jenna – hi, this scanned twice…
employee (name tag said bob) – oh. ok.
jenna – i’m only getting one.
bob– oh, i see, well you scanned it twice, see (points to the screen) it’s on the screen two times (holds up two fingers)
jenna – right, got that, but, i only am getting one (holds up one finger)
bob – well you can go get another
jenna – but i only want one
bob – but you scanned it twice.
guy in line - come on buddy, what’s the problem? take the damn thing off already
bob – you can go get another one now
jenna – i don’t want another one, i only want one! that’s why i only got one
bob – oh, so you just want me to take this off?
jenna – yes. please.
bob – ok. next time try to only scan as many as you have.
jenna – yeah, thanks, i’ll try to remember…

normally i like being self-sufficient.

but it usually turns self-destructive in the blink of an eye.

oh well, as they say, try not to count your chickens before the water rolls off their backs.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Art of Prime Numbers and Prosthetic Limbs

does anyone know what i want to be when i grow up?

don't let the boobs fool you, i'm not there yet.

personal space is at a prime rate.

i'm a fan of prime numbers, but i hate prime rib.

doesn't calling something prime really give you some high expectations?

i think i've performed beyond what one could have hoped for.

does that make me a prime target?

or the prime suspect?

either way, i didn't touch the donuts in the kitchen.

don't ask me, my opinion of you is less than flattering.

i dislike the word flatter.

the world would be a flatter place without you.

don't flatter me with empty words.

i'm already flat enough.

while i'm grateful we know the earth is round, wouldn't it be a bit more fun if it was flat?

if the world was flat, would people fall off?

it would give a whole new meaning to i’d go to the end of the world and back for you.

i hate when i find someone who says they learned english by watching tv.

i've watched a lot of spanish soap operas in my day and i've yet to learn anything beyond caliente, which i already knew due to my love of mexican food.

i love a mom who reads the new york times to her kids on the morning commute.

it's amazing how not humorous the paper can be.

some people's feet should never see the light of day.

to the person currently reading over my shoulder, i'm talking about you.

i'll do any diet you suggest, as long as it's main element is vodka.

after last night, i'd rather not say.

this week in jenna theater, jenna is walking to the bar to meet up with her friends when she encounters a woman, screaming at the top of her lungs into the phone in a voice that sounds like she is possessed by the devil. naturally, jenna slows down to hear.
woman - you are costing me 80 dollars, (nasty) i hope you're happy. (pause) i didn't want to go out! you forced this upon me! you forced this upon me! i wanted to go home and you forced this upon me. (pause) no, you did this. you will show up and you will be pleasant about it. or so help me god! (notices jenna looking at her) what the HELL are you looking at?
jenna - (smiles, points to the woman and waves)
woman - (on the phone) and now people are staring at me, beacuse of you!I DO NOT SOUND CRAZY!
jenna - (smiles and nodds) yeah, ya kind of do...

that is a prime example of someone who should never be allowed a cell phone.

(on a personal note, heroes come in all walks of life. one of mine crossed the line against all odds and gave me something to believe in. well done, ironman.)

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The Art of Failing to Climb Up to Your Potential

on a slow day, you can see forever.

a slow day is always made slower by the presence of muzak.

knowing chekov doesn't make you awesome, it makes you either a liar or dead.

or maybe a psychic.

now accepting donations.

don't you forget about me!

or forget.

do what feels right.

you can't make the situation right if you keep insisting i'm wrong.

i'd rather be wrong loudly than right softly.

i'm not sure you even know what i’m talking about anymore.

i hate that i know what sun baked urine smells like.

you have to love nyc in the summertime.

the city invents new ways to smell bad.

i wish my sense of smell wasn’t stronger than my sense of direction.

i wish i had a sense of direction.

oh well, it’s not like i’m a good enough driver for that to matter.

i will always give notice.

you are on notice.

it’s hard to remain unnoticed in a gold unitard.

or, things i learned at summer camp.

i always get emotional around this time of the month.

but i think everyone does.

who doesn’t love payday?

it’s amazing how many different radio stations can play the same exact religious music when you’re driving cross country.

what kind of wednesday is it where there is no beer?

this week in jenna theatre, while waiting for tall boy to come back to the storage unit, jenna is sitting on a cart to keep cool. a woman in a rush comes in and gets in the elevator. a few moments later she gets back out.
woman – what’s the code to go upstairs?
jenna – i have no idea. sorry.
woman – you don’t know the code to go upstairs?
jenna – no. sorry.
woman - you don't know it?
jenna – no
woman – really.
jenna – no. i have no idea.
woman – so, you don’t know the code?
jenna – oh, to get up stairs?
woman – yes!
jenna – no.

i may not have a sense of direction, but some things will never escape my notice.

something’s wrong here.

if your waitress has less teeth than items on the menu, maybe you should consider a change of dinner plans.

words to live by.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

The Art of Playing Chicken with Children

you say you cleaned up, i say you hid my shit.


where is my shit?

you can never go wrong with bacon.

sometimes in random situations i just shout out “bacon!”

it always seems like a good idea at the time.

there is something beautiful about hearing 'hotel california' sung with a lisp.

i had an urge.

it passed.

i root for who's ever hottest.

is that wrong?

i’m always on the wrong side of right, which makes me wrong.

which is a bit too redundant for a wednesday morning.

two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts make a right.

is that right?

i’m terrible with directions.

i usually just tell people to turn on my side, turn on your side.

i don’t always have time to make the “L” with my fingers.

in nyc you can’t make a right on red.

packing your belongs is a strange thing.

i found i have 20 staplers and a large amount of socks.

i didn’t know i had such strong stapling needs.

actually i don’t think i have ever stapled at home ever.

i don’t even think those staplers are mine.

i think somebody must have come into my house and placed them there without my knowledge.

i‘m just sayin’

i think i’m allergic to work.

not doing work, but the actual building i work in.

sidewalk sharing is a lost art.

sidewalk crashing is an art i’ve perfected.

punctuation is a thing of the past.


it’s never a free pass. there is always some cost.

just like there is never forgiveness.

never pass an opportunity to make it right.

especially if you fucked with me.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is on the subway heading into work. a younger couple is standing against the door with their headphones on and their music playing so loud those around can understand the lyrics.
boy - (shouting to speak over his music) i don’t understand why you won’t come over tonight!
girl – (also shouting) i just don’t think this is a good idea!
boy – why not!?
girl – i mean, i like you and everything, but i’m not exactly sure that this will go anywhere!
boy – i don’t understand...last night you were thinking about moving in with me, and now you don’t want to be with me anymore!?
girl – i know, i wanted to tell you last night at the bar, but then i got drunk and you know how i get when I’m drinking!
boy – is that why you came over last night!?
girl – i didn’t want to go all the way back to brookyln!
boy – i can’t believe you’re breaking up with me!
girl – i’m sorry! (pause) i can’t do this anymore!
boy – i can’t believe you’re doing this to me!
man – (standing next to jenna shouts out) we all can! now shut the fuck up!

ahhh, young love at the highest volume.

the soundtrack of our lives.

makes me feel like a kid again.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The Art of Forgetting to Spell Check

you can always find the truth in a long goodbye.

you say goodbye, i say get the fuck away from me.

it might be a good buy but you should at least shop around.

i’ve been around the block.

it’s pretty uneventful.

unless there’s a block party, which is rare.

party in the usa!

damn you teen pop stars for being so catchy.

i prefer my punk, but it’s hard to pull off when you don’t wear the clothes.

clothes make the man look like a fool.

i hate socks.

i mean in practice i love them (who wants to run around with sweaty feet?) but i hate socks because there are too many rules.

i hate when my clothes have rules.

no white socks with black shoes.

fuck you, i’m wearing it.

you shouldn’t wear high socks with shorts.

why not? maybe my legs are cold.

no white before labor day.

no. wait.

after labor day?

don’t even get me started on belts.

i guess i’ll just always be a jeans and t-shirt kinda girl.

or a popped collar kinda guy.

the two are quite interchangeable.

change is good, or so people say.

i say ride the wave.

wave goodbye, sometime things will never be the same.

but as they say, catch a wave and your sittin on top of the world, although i bet the astronauts would beg to differ.

this week in jenna theatre jenna and her friend rocky were trying to order drinks at a bar in chicago.
rocky – we’d like 2 diet cokes, a stella, a miller lite and a seltzer.
(the guy goes and pours two beers and two diet cokes)
jenna – can i also get a seltzer? (blank look from the bartender) soda water?
bartender – (pointing at the diet coke) you wanted soda?
rocky – right, no this is right, but we also wanted a seltzer.
bartender – (goes to the soda machine and comes back) you wanted a beer and a seltzer?
jenna – right, i got the beer, i just also want a seltzer.
bartender –(looking frustrated) i’m sorry, but how do you want me to make it?
jenna – ummm…just pour it in a glass?
bartender – oh, not together?
rocky – oh no! not together, we don’t want them together!
bartender – oh....

you can find joy in the bottom of a glass.

i would be the worst self-help guru.

i mean, i’d be an awesome guru, and who doesn’t want to be a guru?

but maybe just not in the helping you kind of way.

most my advice would revolve around bacon.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The Art of Asking for Too Much Cheese

revenge is a dish best served.

i like my revenge with a side of peas.

mind your p's and q'.

please and thank you.

not penis, like i originally thought.

i still don't know what q means.

i could look it up, but why bother. i'm sure you'll do it for me.

don't take everything so seriously.

sometimes the end is the beginning.

i hate when people say hello young lady to me.

i don't go around greeting people with the obvious, so why should you?

"hello old man who probably uses viagra and should think about brushing your teeth."

i smell a rat.

what exactly does a rat smell like?

who has gotten close enough to smell a rat?

and how do we know it's the rats who smell bad and not the garbage they hang out in?

you're a dirty rat!

what does a rat-person smell like?

body odor?

cuz in that case i've smelled lots and lots of rats.

especially on the subway.

ironically, the subway is where i've seen a lot of rats too.

you clean rat.

i wonder if people using "rat" in a negative way has lead to people disliking rats.

after seeing that rat movie where the rat cooks i always feel a bit of sympathy for subway rats.

i also wonder who is cooking my food.

but i wonder that anyways.

maybe i should learn to cook....

i arrive with a small tornado cloud behind me.

it's something new i'm trying.

i expect the worst out of people.

it makes the waiting that much sweeter.

fruit salad confuses my mouth.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is downstairs at the cafe ordering breakfast where she encounters ed (remember ed...the creepy security guard?)
ed - hey there pretty (mumble)
jenna - what?
ed - i said hi
jenna - oh, hey
ed - you getting breakfast?
jenna - yup (silence) you too?
ed - yes. i'm so glad i went on break now. what are you getting?
jenna - egg white omelette.
ed - you on a diet?
jenna - always.
ed - you need to eat more...
jenna - oh, i doubt that.
ed - no you got perfect curves, i like my women with some curves. no one wants to date a skinny girl.
jenna - uh...
ed - perfect curves. there was a woman who came in the other day. she had perfect curves...with these heels on.
(jenna's food is called)
jenna - well...uh...ok then...bye...

so there you have it.

i'm a big fan of ellipsis...


Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The Art of The Lost Little Lamb

i'm going on the lam.

is that the same as going on a lamb?

where is the fast lam?

can one purchase a lam ahead of time in the unlikely even that you will need to go on one?

and furthermore, what's with peacocks?

i think hard worker takes on a different meaning after a liquid lunch.

i swear there is one ant that is stalking me.

i was so hungry in the train that I sat next to some kids and started eating out of their bag of potato chips.

they were a bit too greasy.

you don't actually have to sit on my lap for this train ride.

sometimes i can hold my own ground. if you ain't moving, i ain't moving.

i hate people touching me.

well, i hate ugly people touching me.

also, if you seem to have any kind of disease or illness i'm not too big of a fan.

i hate how inferior i feel when i go to the hair salon.

don't judge me just because i don't understand the concept of double processing.

i will cut you with those freaking scissors.

and would it kill the hair dressers to actually look like they are paying attention when they cut hair?

i swear i thought i was gunna lose an ear.

we can't all be brittney spears.

i need a snack.

i spy with my little eye, a baby with a bag of carrots.

remember that game, i spy?

makes ya wonder how many private investigators that brought out of the woodwork.

well johnny, what do you wanna be when you grow up?

well, i don't know...but i do like the game, i spy...

i would be a terrible vampire.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is at the pharmacy during her busy lunch hour dropping of a prescription she has filled before.
ted the pharmacist – ok, you’re all set. are you going to wait?
jenna – can you just check to make sure you have it in stock?
ted – yea, we should have it.
jenna – are you sure?
ted – yeah, it’s pretty common.
jenna – can you maybe check? last time, i had to wait like an hour and you didn’t have it.
ted – i’m sure we do.
jenna – ok great, so i’ll just wait.
(about 45 minutes later, jenna’s name is called)
ted – so it looks like we don’t have your prescription, so i’ll have to order it and it should be in tomorrow by 2.
jenna – what.
ted – your prescription should be here tomorrow at 2.
jenna – but…but...

sometimes you run into a wall.

sometimes you fart.

sometimes, when you fart, shit happens.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

The Art of Nipping Ninja's in the Butt.

you should probably look where you’re going, because i sure as hell ain’t.

why do people say look out below when they should really be saying look out above?

if i look out below, how will i see the hammer that’s hurling at me from above?

and really, who out there is not looking before they leap?

if you are stupid enough to not look where you’re leaping, you deserve to fall.

you can take a leap of faith, but no one ever tells you where commence with the leapage.

it’s important not to look for something that isn’t there, because you are sure to find it.

true love is never blind.

unless your true love is actually blind.

i don’t think there is a pecking order. everyone around me just seems to peck at me indiscriminately.

i’d peck back, but who has the time.

i realized after a week of unabashed staring on the subway, that my sunglasses, were in fact, not opaque.

i’m not sure i’m a fan of the word opaque.

sometimes talking to you is like pulling teeth.

well, i assume it would be like pulling teeth, because i have never actually pulled teeth, so i’m not really qualified to make that statement.

and is pulling teeth really that difficult in this day and age?

and what the fuck age is it anyway?

how come when our cell phones run out of power, we say our cell phone died?

when i run out of energy and go to sleep, no one says i died.

boss told me he’d had enough of my lip.

just my lip? really? how about the rest of me?

oh mamma, it is gunna be a long, hot one.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is pissed off because she got off the train at the wrong stop and had to walk to another train stop for a transfer. as she’s waiting to cross the street, a woman handing out free METRO newspapers approaches.
woman (screaming)– metro? metro? you want the metro. free!
jenna – no thanks
woman – it’s free metro. take it.
jenna – i’m ok thank you.
woman – why you won’t take it?
jenna – i won’t have time to read it.
woman – take it, he take it (she shoves a metro at a man)
jenna – i don’t want it, but thanks.
woman (screaming) – why you such a bitch? everyone take free metro.
jenna – everyone but me.

and then i ninja kicked her.

you don’t fuck with the awkward one.

ok, i didn’t really ninja kick her, but wouldn’t that have been fucking awesome?

sometimes, i’m just a hero in my own mind.

but then again, aren’t we all?

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Art of Making Change With Your Teeth

the problem with taking pictures of dead guys is they never smile.

sometimes i like to think of all the things i could be doing with my life.

then i take a nap.

napping is boring.

unless you have something to do that you don’t want to be doing, then napping seems like the perfect diversion.

it’s not my fault i’m so damn efficient.

if i were an apartment, i’d be an efficiency.

i’m like an energy star appliance.

have i beat this horse to death?

or wait, it’s like beating a dead horse.

what if the horse was just sleeping?

i don’t think we should be endorsing the beating of animals in any way, and shape, or any form.

even if they are already dead.

i know i would not want to be beaten in a post-living state.

even if it’s all just a state of mind.

my mind is not fully functional in this state.

my mind is not fully functional in any state, except maybe new york.

someone told me they were moving to the lovely state of boston.

i asked what boston’s state quarter looked like.

apparently, it’s a very elusive quarter…

i’m in perpetual motion.

i stop on a dime.

i will also stop on two nickels, ten pennies, a nickel and five pennies, and i’ll give you change for a quarter, but only if it’s not laundry day.

and only if it’s not a boston quarter.

those things are collectible items.

i wish i understood if people were joking sometimes.

this week, in jenna theatre, jenna is trying to get on the subway after finishing a long day of work. she barely slides inside as the door closes, satisfied with her achievement, she smiles and grabs a seat and closes her eyes for a quick nap, but the man begins to speak.
man – hi
(jenna sighs, says a curt hello then tries to resume her nap)
man – has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are?
jenna – all the time.
man – i’ll bet.
man – you have a beautiful smile.
jenna – thanks.
man – i noticed you were smiling at me.
jenna – uh…not really, i was just happy to make the train.
man – where do you go to school?
jenna – i don’t
man – you don’t! you drop out?
jenna – no, i finished.
man – you did! you look like a baby.
jenna – thanks
man – i’ll take care of you, i’m a good guy.
jenna – i’m good.
man – let me see your driver’s license.
jenna – dude…
man – i want proof of how old you are.
jenna – is there like, a sign on me that says talk to me?
man – what?
jenna – nothing! this is my stop.
man – wait, i’ll give you my number,
jenna – what for?
man – so you can call me.
jenna – yeah, i’m good…and you’re a little creepy, dude.
(jenna gets off the subway car and walks into the next one to continue her ride home. after sitting down the elderly woman next to her taps her with her cane and says hello)

in this life we are surrounded by things we can’t change.

sometimes people ask me why i respond to people at all.

the way i see it, you can fight the good fight, but in the end, you’ll still end up next to an old lady, who just wants to chat.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The Art of What the Hell Just Happened to My Computer?

it's not so much that i'm a cat person, it's that i'm an anti-human person.

who told you those pants looked good?

ignorance may not be bliss, but sometimes it's sure nice.

don't judge.

someone recently told me to get on the bandwagon.

seeing as there was neither a band nor a wagon, i politely declined.

i was also told to get on board.

where is this mystical board people want me to climb on?

in related news, you should not climb on your boss.

waiting for the late night train is like watching an episode of jerry springer.

my horoscope suggested that as a farmer, i should be prepared to fight the corporate invasion.

guess i should get on that?

sometimes it's a matter of making it to the cherry blossoms.

i give myself the benefit of the doubt when there is not benefit to be had.

it's easier to be talked out of something than to be talked into something.

if you have the choice, wear longer shorts.

you don't know how many times i've thought to myself, huh.

if you can embarrass yourself, you probably will.

if there is a curb, i will fall off it.

i have to admit, there is something nice about listening to hit songs played on the organ.

i can’t help but think of a little old church going lady, sitting there, squinting at music for “my humps.”

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is in a long line at a popular clothing store h&m. jenna is minding her own business when a guy from behind her decides to solicit jenna’s opinion.
guy - ohmygod do you like this shirt or does it just look like a giant curtain?
jenna - umm. it's kinda cute..
Guy - but?
jenna - maybe a little curtain like.
Guy - fuck
jenna - i mean it doesn't look like maria von trapp made it or anything...
guy - hmmm i don't know, i don't want people to be all, what is he wearing?
jenna - well, if you like it...
guy - fuck em?
jenna - you got it.

in honor of the guy walking around in a curtain shirt, i invite you all to say, fuck it and wear what you like.

but you can bet your ass i'm gunna have something to say about it.

don't worry, it's not like i know you.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

The Art of Playing Ping Pong with Peacocks

plain and simple.

simply plain.

you’re simply the best, but only if you’re the only one in a room.

then you’re simply there.

nothing is ever quite that simple, especially when trying to cook chicken.

so simple, even a child could do it, if that child was, in fact, all mensa and shit.

geico has ruined cavemen for me.

simple simon.

remember that geico cavemen tv show they tried to have?

simple, simon says.

life is deceptively simple. it’s people that fuck it all up.

that’s where beer comes in, which can also fuck it all up too.

it’s a fine, fine line.

i find fine lines are the best ones to tightrope across.

less mess, more stress.

a prospect that’s simply irresistible.

nothing is what it seems when you forget to take off those 3-D glasses after the movie.

it doesn’t matter what i say, you’re not listening to me anyway.

my patience is paper thin.

not construction paper thin, but like, rice paper thin.

nothing makes me happier than when someone falls off their horse.

i’m not picky about the height.

at least pretend to be working.

sometimes i think you’d look better with a fork sticking out of your head.

one would think i had anger management issues.

on the contrary, i manage my anger very well.

otherwise, there’d be a lot more cutlery incidents.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is talking to a friend, who we’ll call joan. joan is telling jenna all about her new diet.
joan – sooo, i finally did it! i’m eating vegan and raw now.
jenna – vegan and raw? wow, that’s pretty intense, but hey, congrats.
joan – well, i really needed to lose weight and i felt bad for the animals and they say that following a vegan diet is a great way to be healthy and that gwyneth paltrow does raw and she is super skinny, so i’ve been doing it for about a week now.
jenna – how much weight have you lost?
joan – none yet, but it’s been super easy.
jenna – easy? really? i would imagine it would be kind of a challenging to do.
joan – not at all. this morning i had a turkey sausage omelet with raw onions.
jenna – umm…isn’t that like, the opposite of vegan?
joan – what do you mean? i’m not eating any animals.
jenna – well, the sausage…
joan – it’s turkey, turkey’s a bird.
jenna – well, if i remember correctly from my vegetarian days, i don’t think there is that much of distinction. and then there’s the eggs…
joan – i can’t eat eggs?
jenna – they come from chickens. and then everything was cooked…
joan – except the onion was raw
jenna – ahh, right, but i’m not entirely sure that negates everything else.
joan – really?
jenna – i think so.
joan – well, shit.
jenna – indeed.

and sometimes it really is, all that simple.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The Art of Dumping Dead Doors

if you see a newspaper on the sidewalk, it might be best not to pick it up. you never know what it could be covering.

being environmentally friendly can be quite unpleasant sometimes.

is being green a fad?

it seems like every few years someone decides to care about the environment.

at least i get a cool bag out of the deal.

if you must get trapped with somebody, at least get trapped with somebody who's organic. that way, if you have to eat them you can at least be healthy about it.

i'm always trapped on the wrong side of the door.

when one door closes, don't automatically assume another one will open.

what if the room only has one door?

what if you're locking up for the night?

what if you try to open the window, but it's locked?

break on through to the other side, unless of course the other side is filled with tomatoes.

this is making me feel very claustrophobic.

i crave wide open spaces with lots of shade.

i'm not one for the heat.

or the rain.

in other news, it does not always pour when it rains.

but when it rains, you will always get wet.

i look like a drowned rodent when i get wet.

this is not an attractive sounding quality.

ok, i look like a kitten after its first bath, ready to claw your freakin eye out.

ok. that's not so good either.

what else ya got?

do you ever feel like you're going nowhere at the speed of silence?

to test if light travels faster than farts, we should come up with a way to make farts glow in the dark.

why not? it's not like we're getting any closer on this pesky common cold thing anyway.

i can't think when i'm dehydrated.

but i can drink when i think.

there's too much time to think in a big city.

maybe one day, you'll know what i mean.

maybe one day, i’ll know what i mean.

i think i saw jesus on the "f" train.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is on the train heading home. in what might be one of the only times in the history of subways, the voice of the conductor can actually be heard and understood, partially because the conductor is speaking very loudly and very slowly.
conductor – this train will now be running express. express, express service only. this train will not be making local stops. there will be no local stops at this time. this train is express, express, express only. express stops! no local service. express only!!!
passenger to jenna – so this train is running local?
conductor – express service only, if you want local service get off this train! express service only, no local! no local, express service only!
jenna to passenger – yes, yes it is.


who says new yorkers aren’t a helpful, friendly bunch?

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The Art of Picking a Pack of Fickle Peppers

is nothing sacred to you people?

i hope not.

this is hardly the place for such a discussion.

what’s with people saying ‘holy shit’?

i mean, are we all really talking about religious poop?

as a rule of thumb, i don’t like fart or pooping humor.

but i hardly ever use my thumb to measure, so who’s to say?

for something so small, thumbs sure are a bossy bunch.

the thumb has really taken a hit since the decline of hitchhiking.

you should try to avoid mooning a police officer.

the weather makes me feisty.

and sleepy.

which really confuses those in my life.

i am morally opposed to umbrellas.

if i have to be caught, i prefer to be caught in the rain.

then everyone suffers.

even though i appreciate my personal space, i would certainly not mind if i had a professional masseuse side-kick.

i hate the kindness guilt trip.

you know the one i mean, the “i was so nice to you, but now i’m incredibly inconvenienced so you should feel bad for me, oh no, i couldn’t possibly hear of any repayment because that would take away from the massive aren’t i awesome and don’t you suck guilt trip i plan on giving you for the next 4-5 weeks”

not that this has ever happened to me.

i am excited for baseball season to start.

gives me another reason to yell really loud and drink beer at the same time.

america’s pastime indeed.

once when i was working at a restaurant i got a note from a drunk guy written on the check. the note said “my name is mike, my heart was recently broken. i'm looking for someone that i can treat like a princess....or just stick my dick can decide. call me at ###-####”

i did not call him (shocking, right ladies?) but i thought the note was sweet.

men really know how to romance a girl, don’t they?

this week in jenna theatre – jenna is running on the treadmill. some guy comes up next to her and looks over at jenna’s pace. he’s decked out in what looks like brand new shoes and goes through his stretching routine, clearly having missed the deodorant routine and looks back at jenna’s treadmill again. he sets his to the same speed and incline. jenna is doing interval training today so she increases her speed. the man next to her sees this and increases his speed. jenna then lowers her speed for recovery, the man does the same. this is repeated several times. he is clearly not able to run the same workout as jenna, but that is not stopping him from trying. he is now panting and sweating and half hunched over, holding onto the sides of the treadmill, swearing. normally, this wouldn’t have bothered jenna, except he kept leaning over her treadmill bars to look at her speed. annoyed and eager to finish her workout, jenna ramps up the speed to knock out the last few minutes and the man does the same. if he was having trouble before, this was a new level of hell for him. suddenly, the speed wins and the man goes flying off the back of the treadmill in the most beautiful turn of events.

sometimes things work out better than you ever could have hoped for.

and sometimes, even a little bit better.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The Art of Forgetting What You Forgot

the minute you realize you don’t have anything, is the minute you realize you need something.

sometimes something is better than nothing, but nothing can be better than everything.

so, something has to change.

change can only come in twos.

or is it threes? i was never very good at math.

or clichés.

although everyone knows i spend my days swimming in them.

i guess that’s why they’re clichés.

such a clichéd response.

never fear, before you know it, i will probably change my mind.

i hope you don’t mind.

sometimes i fear i’ve lost my damn mind again.

well, i guess if you’ve lost your mind, you can’t really mind much after that.

mind over matter only matters when the matter is simply in your mind.

am i making too much sense for an early morning commute?

don’t worry, it’s all in your mind.

i think my mind’s eye might need glasses.

the future is blurry.

hindsight is rarely 20/20, despite what your optometrist might try to tell you, it is clouded with regret and hope, which only makes sense in your mind.

so never mind, on to happier thoughts.

i always seem to be around people when they are feeling the most like farting.

i know this because i am constantly smoked out of subways and elevators.

some would think of this as a curse.

i would agree.

or, if you were a glass half full kinda person, you could look at it like a continuing epidemic where people feel completely at ease around me and trust me with their natural gases.

but then again, when have i ever been a half glass full kinda person?

just the other day i was thinking to myself that i haven’t been inadvertently flashed in awhile.

what is this world coming to?

you’re going soft on me new york.

no pun intended.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is getting a wrap from the deli where she goes for lunch several times a week. the man behind the deli counter, marcus, is excited to see jenna when she appears.
marcus – hello! how are you today? i’ve missed you! what will it be, the usual?
jenna – yup, sounds great!
marcus – so that white bread..
jenna – no whole wheat wrap..
marcus – (interrupting) oh right, sorry, pastrami, tomato…
jenna – umm no, actually turkey, lettuce…
marcus – (interrupting) oh, right i got you now
(starts to pull out pickles)
jenna – no pickles, just spicy mustard and oil and vinegar.
marcus – and ranch right?
jenna – no…
marcus – southwest sauce?
jenna – nope just mustard.
marcus – ok (finishes wrap) it will be a few minutes for the fries.
jenna – i’m good….
marcus – oh that’s right, no fries! ok, well, see you tomorrow!

i wonder who he thinks i am.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The Art of Delaying Deadly Farts in Public

do you ever have delayed moments of greatness?

how come people say, ‘i'm all ears’ when clearly that is not the case?

why doesn’t anybody ever say ‘i'm all eyes’?

maybe deaf people do.

i've lost it.

don't tell me it's somewhere. i looked somewhere and i didn't find it.

the funny thing about going somewhere over the rainbow is that it’s still the same fucking place it was before, except this time, there’s a rainbow in your way.

what goes up, must come down.

ever hear of a little thing called gravity?

suck it, dorthy.

now if you want to go somewhere above the rainbow, that’s another story.

there is a woman at my work who laughs at everything i say.

while i know i can be outrageously funny, i don’t think i’m that funny all the time.

when does a complement become mockery?

when does mockery become a complement again?

don't you hate when things can come full circle and you can do nothing to stop it?

i'm all for the circle of life, i just hate to think that that circle includes poop.

it does, don't fucking kid yourself.

i think the old man i'm sitting next to right now might have started that cycle of life in his pants.

never joke about self-defecation.

it is not nearly as charming as self-deprecation, and a whole helluvalot smellier.

i can’t help but laugh at myself now and then.

people say it’s good for the soul.

i laughed out at myself on the subway yesterday after i managed to fall down the last stairway and someone yelled at me to get serious about subway safety.

i told them if there was anything in this world, i was serious about, it was subway safety.

perhaps this would be a good time to revisit my silent theme.

it's hard to get serious on your own.

if you want a seriously good time, then perhaps love is not in your game plan.

it’s always about the games when the heart is involved, best to leave it out of the equation.

i hate when people tell me to get a game plan when i'm not playing a game.

it’s called a GAME plan for a reason.

hit me up when i'm playing freakin monopoly or table tennis, not when i'm trying to decide what to order for lunch.

then it's not a game plan, it's a lunch plan.

you can plan all you want, but things rarely go as planned.

things can only go off without a hitch, when people change their minds.

and, as one who's seen the game plan, i know.

i’m not left expecting much.

although, i do wish my microsoft office would stop changing the font on me randomly.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is trying to make it through her life as a red-head the day of st. patrick's day. in the elevator for work, a man starts to talk to jenna.
man – so, big day for you, huh?
jenna – excuse me?
man – your people’s big day. planning on joining the parade?
jenna – oh. i’m not irish, but i wish i could see the parade.
man – you’re not irish, but you have red hair.
jenna – yea….l’oreal
man – oh, so you got your hair from your mother? was she irish?
jenna – oh. no. it’s…what?
man – and green eyes…
jenna – well, those are natural.
man – have you started drinking yet? i hear most people are bringing guinness to work today.
jenna – wish i had thought of that…
man – hey you’re not wearing green! does this mean people can pinch you?

you can’t always get what you want, but sometimes you can get what you need, if what you need is gentle harassment and lots of moments of awkwardness.

(on a personal note, to the man who has meant so much, i raise my glass of vodka and say nostoriva, may you finally have peace, you will be missed, dopóki nie spotkamy sie ponownie)

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Art of Steal Poker Pieces from Puppies

just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

shoulda, coulda, woulda,


i miss you when you're away.

i wish i had a piece of you to remind me of you.

like a thumb.

or kidney.

or a heart.

nothing says i love you like a vital organ.

take another little piece of my heart, i’m trying not to eat that much chocolate anymore.

we can only find peace and quiet if you stop screaming at me.

i’m not sure we can ever have world peace. some people are just hot wired to start a war, even if it’s a war for peace.

i would go to war for a piece of the pie.

try not to fall to pieces, i don’t want to have to sweep up the mess. i’m no domestic diva.

i guess you don’t really fall to pieces. the best you can hope for is breaking into pieces if you fall hard enough.

enough of this foolishness.

enough is enough, which really means it isn’t too much, it’s simply enough.

most people don’t know what too much is.

too much is not good enough for some people.

most people know when there’s too much of a good thing, only when it becomes a bad thing.

if it becomes a bad thing, was it ever really a good thing?

or is that just all in our imaginations.

i wish i could walk around with a signed note from my elementary school teachers saying they never taught me grammar and spelling.

it’s all fine and good to try to teach kids organically and let them figure shit out on their own, but then when they are adults, they shouldn’t be held accountable.

i never won a spelling bee, but i did kick stacy’s ass in 5th grade.

give a little, take a little.

i wish my life was a musical. sometimes what i feel can only be expressed in song.

and if you can’t hold a tune, you will be fired from the show.

i have standards.

even if they are low.

it would really make my morning commute less crowded, and a lot more peaceful.

peace is in the eye of the beholder.

much like beer.

although the author of this blog does not recommend putting beer in your eye, and will not be held responsible for any stupidity that anybody around her might possess.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is at a popular bookstore buying a book. at the checkout she encounters a clerk with an interesting sales tactic.
clerk – are you a *bookstore* member? you can save 10% today.
jenna – oh, no thank you.
clerk – total is $40.95
jenna – woa, wait, why is that so much?
clerk – it’s the membership.
jenna – but, i didn’t want it.
clerk – but you SAVE 10% today and every day after!
jenna – i’m good.
clerk – (getting angry) you buy books right?
jenna – yes, but not always here.
clerk – well, would you say you buy more than five books a year here?
jenna – i’m running late, i don’t want the membership, how much for my book?
clerk – well, i already charged you for the membership and i can’t undo it.
jenna – are you serious.
clerk – i have to call a manager. are you sure you don’t just want it?
jenna – i don’t want it, and if i did want it, i certainly wouldn’t buy it from you.
clerk – fine. your total is $14.95.
jenna – thank you…by the way, that was pretty ballsy. nice.
clerk – (laughing) i had to try.
jenna – for sure. does it actually work?
clerk – sometimes (hands jenna her bag) have a good day!
jenna – you too, good luck.

it’s all in how the pieces fall.

As the wise man, jimmy buffett says, “if we weren’t all crazy, we would go insane.”

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Art of Falling Face First

i’m not a fan of being chased.

i'm not deep, i'm sea-level.

well, most of the time anyway.

i'm not sure it's a fear of heights, as much as a fear of distortion.

in all my years, i've grown quite used to the earth looking a certain way.

no need to change that now.

did you know there is a difference between broil and boil?

i'm suffering from hips-don't-lie syndrome.

i dreamt i was in paris, which was a vast improvement over the r train.

i have to go to the dentist today. i hate knowing i'm going to have to lie to someone later.

oh come on, who has time to floss twice a day?

when i first moved to brooklyn, ny i had a car that was filled with my clothes that i was slowly moving into my new apartment. i woke up early one morning for brunch and went outside to find my car had been broken into. my clothes were strewn all over the sidewalk, but none were taken, which completely offended me. what was taken was a case of seltzer and an open can of mixed nuts lightly salted. they also organized all of my sunglasses on the front seat and my glove compartment, which was nice of them. the police seemed confused.

guess i gotta take one for the team.

i hate that expression.

what fucking team?

i was never picked for any team.

have i been placed on this team without my knowledge?

was i picked last for this team?

do we have a uniform that i need to buy or will shirts be provided at a later date?

i was only aware of being on my own team. a team of me.

you shouldn't bring me up on a first date.

me first.

first come, first served. even if you’re not wearing shoes or a shirt.

first things first. of course, first things first. if they weren’t supposed to be first, then they wouldn’t be the first things. they would be the second things.

i hate when people say, first of all, but neglect to follow up with a second or third. if there is only one of all, then there is only all.

being first born just means you always get older first.

first comes love, then comes marriage, but let’s stop that right now, shall we?

if at first you don’t succeed, quit that nonsense. seriously. persistence is for the birds.

first place is just last place backwards.

who’s on first? who cares? bring me a beer.

baby’s first steps? who cares? talk to me when baby becomes an astrophysicist. now that shit is impressive.

this week in jenna theatre – jenna is at the elevator to go up to the dentist. a man starts to make small talk with jenna.
man – what floor?
jenna – 16th
man – i think that’s the dentist’s floor
jenna – yup
man – oh i hate the dentist.
jenna – me too, terrified.
man – that’s why i haven’t been in 12 years.
jenna – woa
man – yup. you won’t catch me at the dentist ever.
jenna – 12 years, that’s rough
man – well, when i was there they told me i needed to have two teeth removed and that i had some cavities that they would need to fill. i said hell no, and ran outta there.
jenna – umm….that seems kind of serious…no?
man – naa, can’t be true…it’s all a ploy for the government to get my money
jenna – oh…ok…(16th floor, jenna steps off) uh, good luck with that i guess?

there’s something to be said for making a good first impression.

that would not be it.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Art of Awkward - Year One

it's true, the art of awkward turns one today. so many ups and so many downs. but even if you just joined jenna on this awkward ride, you should know that she has been awkward for a very long time. a very long, long time. jenna was an awkward baby.
baby 1 - waaahhhh
baby 2 - wah wah
baby jenna - shhhhh

even back then she held a disdain for small children, preferring to keep to the company of adults and discuss kerouac, which most people only pretend to have read.
jenna (age 5)- "kerouac's writings reflect a frenetic, restless pursuit of new sensation and experience, and a disdain for the conventional measures of economic and social success…" thoughts?
sarah - lollipop?

kindergarten was very trying indeed. following an awkward growth spurt where she reached her full height in 6th grade and then proceeded to grow no more, jenna's awkwardness began to blossom in high school, where jenna found it difficult to remain upright (stupid walking) or socially adrift as bluntness often caused her some drama. she spent many a lunch with her effeminate drama teacher who needed an outlet to share his childhood traumas.
drama teacher - so, basically i haven’t talked to my mother in 20 years, ever since i came out and she tried to beat me with a spoon.
jenna (teen)- ok then, soo, do you want me to enter stage left or stage right?

some could even say that jenna became fully aware of her tendencies to attract random people who wished to talk to her, no matter their age or social rank then. as she moved into adulthood, jenna discovered a whole new set of awkwardness, such as, how much information was too much information to share on an interview?
jenna - so, i guess i first became interested in micro-brews when i was working as a beer goddess. there are some amazing beers out there, not that coors or miller isn’t a good beer to drink, or anything. but if you get some of these other beers, you will notice a big difference…have you had triple horse? what! you haven’t tried triple horse yet? are you out of your mind? leave…leave now and go and try this beer…screw it, i’ll come with you….

or should she leave the room while her professor breaks down and starts crying over her recent divorce during office hours?
professor - i loved him, you know? i loved him (sobbing)
jenna - aw, i’m sure you did…um….do you want, like, a moment (woman hugs jenna) oh, ok…
professor - he just left me…just left….

questions like these plagued jenna throughout the years the answers were often times awkward. it would seem obvious that with jenna’s natural abilities with people, she would be a natural in the world of waitressing.
jenna - can i take your order?
girl - do you have any spaghetti?
jenna - this is a mexican restaurant
girl - but what i really want is spaghetti and meatballs.
jenna - and i want a million dollars but it ain’t gunna happen here…

needless to say, she had great success as a waitress, but seeing how her tips went straight to paying her bar bill, decided her college education was better put to use at another job. a job where she had to ride the subway to and from work everyday, where her special ability to attract amazing people really came to fruition.
jenna - sir please zip up your pants
subway man - awww mama, you no fun!

baby - (staring at jenna)
jenna - (looking around)
baby - (staring at jenna)
jenna - (starting to freak out because a the baby is still staring at her)
baby - (still staring at jenna)
jenna - (changes subway cars at the next station)

through it all, jenna has tried to remain true to her falling off curbs, society questioning ways that has made awkward what it is today….

don’t be offended…it’s not like i know you.

hope you will hang around for another awkward year.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Art of the Morose Moose

sometimes things don't workout like you want them too.

sometimes things don't workout period.

sometimes i forget to workout.

and by forget i mean leave my gym bag at home in favor of a sexy take-out bag from last night’s late night mexican binge.

have i said too much?

when does too much become not enough?

when does not enough become a reason to leave?

when does leaving become impossible due to the fact that there is simply too much stuff?

does the fact that there is too much to do play into stuff not working out?

every one's got stuff.

sometimes you can see the stuff and sometimes you know it’s there, just by the way the person moves their mouth.

you can’t fight off what you can’t see.

leave your stuff on the counter, someone will be along to take it away.

fill your brain with useless stuff.

isn't that what college was for?

i've lived too long in vagueness.

let's talk about something more concrete.

it's not rocket science, it's just collating.

today i’m existing on a whisper.

it is amazing how many things a person can actually fall off of. i should know. i’ve tried most of them.

being klutzy is an art form.

this week in jenna theatre – jenna is in a changing room at macy's in new york city. next to her is a dad and daughter trying on dresses. the following occurred while jenna was inside her changing stall.
dad – are you sure you don’t want me to come in there with you?
daughter – yes dad, sheesh, there is not enough room for two people.
dad – ok. let me see the first dress.
daughter – i look fat.
dad – let me see.
(door opening)
dad – oh honey, you don’t look fat. you look sexy. you have sexy curves. your mother used to have sexy curves like that when i first fell in love with her. men love curves.
daughter – i don’t know. i’m not sure this type of dress works for me.
dad – you’re just saying that because i picked it out. here try this one.
daughter – but dad my chest is too big to not wear a bra!
dad – guys hate bras. just let me see you in it.
daughter – fine.
(a little later)
dad – are you coming out?
daughter – i think i look like a hooker.
dad – let me see.
(door opens)
dad – you don’t look trashy at all. you look so sexy. really, really sexy.
daughter – you think?
dad – oh yes, yes i do….

and this is why i hate to go shopping.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The Art of Eating Eel off Easy Street

i feel like i was hit by a bus.

or at the very least, one of those taxi vans.

what should you do if you think your friend bought a one-way ticket on the STD train?

after watching, romeo and juliet the ballet, i had several questions rolling around in my head.

the question that bugged me the most, however, was what the fuck is the friar doing with fucking poison that makes you look like you're dead?

seriously. why would a friar ever have the need for such a specific poison, much less just have it lying around his crib?

seems mighty sketchy to me. i think i smell a prequel...

sometimes going to the gym makes me realize 6-packs have been given to unworthy people.

days like today, i'd like nothing more than to go home and curl up with a good vodka.

i've been trying to cut back on the socially drinking thing, but now i have nothing to blame the social awkwardness on.

i'm way witty when whiskey is involved.

is anything ever that easy?

i've often found that if it's easy come, it's never easy go.

when someone tells you to take it easy in an argument or confrontation, why does it provoke the opposite reaction?

ask a dyslexic if it really is as easy as a, b, c.

that’s easy for you to say. well, technically, with very few exceptions, it’s easy for everyone to say. it’s just not easy for everyone to mean it.

easy does usually do it, unless you're trying to break down a door. then easy is completely useless.

while i have met plenty of people who are easy on the eyes, i've also met some people who were hard on the eyes. seems counter-intuitive.

that’s not an easy word to spell.

you don't have to let me off easy, i know i'm hard to handle.

it’s so easy it’s like a cake walk.

seems to me, a cake walk would be a rather difficult thing.

like what shoes does one wear to walk on a cake?

does one have to have a specific cake in mind, or can you just troll the neighborhood looking for a 6 year old's birthday party.

do you eat the cake afterwards?

seems like a waste of perfectly good cake to me.

mmm cake.

this week in jenna theatre, while jenna is on her way to a run in central park. due to construction, the subways are all running on different schedules. double checking what she thinks to be the correct path, she asks the toll both attendant for assistance.
jenna – just checking are all trains stopping at 72nd street?
attendant – train is making express stops
jenna – does that include 72nd street?
attendant – what?
jenna – 72nd street!
attendant – come through the turnstile, i can’t hear you.
(jenna goes through)
attendant – you know you have to pay to get back through.
jenna – then why did you call me over here?
attendant – i couldn’t hear you over the train.
jenna – train?
attendant – train….(points)
jenna – (train comes…and leaves while jenna tries to get her card to magically swipe, an annoying feature in unlimited metro cards)
attendant – that’s the train you needed.

i guess that’s what i get for taking the easy way out.