Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Art of Steal Poker Pieces from Puppies

just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

shoulda, coulda, woulda,


i miss you when you're away.

i wish i had a piece of you to remind me of you.

like a thumb.

or kidney.

or a heart.

nothing says i love you like a vital organ.

take another little piece of my heart, i’m trying not to eat that much chocolate anymore.

we can only find peace and quiet if you stop screaming at me.

i’m not sure we can ever have world peace. some people are just hot wired to start a war, even if it’s a war for peace.

i would go to war for a piece of the pie.

try not to fall to pieces, i don’t want to have to sweep up the mess. i’m no domestic diva.

i guess you don’t really fall to pieces. the best you can hope for is breaking into pieces if you fall hard enough.

enough of this foolishness.

enough is enough, which really means it isn’t too much, it’s simply enough.

most people don’t know what too much is.

too much is not good enough for some people.

most people know when there’s too much of a good thing, only when it becomes a bad thing.

if it becomes a bad thing, was it ever really a good thing?

or is that just all in our imaginations.

i wish i could walk around with a signed note from my elementary school teachers saying they never taught me grammar and spelling.

it’s all fine and good to try to teach kids organically and let them figure shit out on their own, but then when they are adults, they shouldn’t be held accountable.

i never won a spelling bee, but i did kick stacy’s ass in 5th grade.

give a little, take a little.

i wish my life was a musical. sometimes what i feel can only be expressed in song.

and if you can’t hold a tune, you will be fired from the show.

i have standards.

even if they are low.

it would really make my morning commute less crowded, and a lot more peaceful.

peace is in the eye of the beholder.

much like beer.

although the author of this blog does not recommend putting beer in your eye, and will not be held responsible for any stupidity that anybody around her might possess.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is at a popular bookstore buying a book. at the checkout she encounters a clerk with an interesting sales tactic.
clerk – are you a *bookstore* member? you can save 10% today.
jenna – oh, no thank you.
clerk – total is $40.95
jenna – woa, wait, why is that so much?
clerk – it’s the membership.
jenna – but, i didn’t want it.
clerk – but you SAVE 10% today and every day after!
jenna – i’m good.
clerk – (getting angry) you buy books right?
jenna – yes, but not always here.
clerk – well, would you say you buy more than five books a year here?
jenna – i’m running late, i don’t want the membership, how much for my book?
clerk – well, i already charged you for the membership and i can’t undo it.
jenna – are you serious.
clerk – i have to call a manager. are you sure you don’t just want it?
jenna – i don’t want it, and if i did want it, i certainly wouldn’t buy it from you.
clerk – fine. your total is $14.95.
jenna – thank you…by the way, that was pretty ballsy. nice.
clerk – (laughing) i had to try.
jenna – for sure. does it actually work?
clerk – sometimes (hands jenna her bag) have a good day!
jenna – you too, good luck.

it’s all in how the pieces fall.

As the wise man, jimmy buffett says, “if we weren’t all crazy, we would go insane.”

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Art of Falling Face First

i’m not a fan of being chased.

i'm not deep, i'm sea-level.

well, most of the time anyway.

i'm not sure it's a fear of heights, as much as a fear of distortion.

in all my years, i've grown quite used to the earth looking a certain way.

no need to change that now.

did you know there is a difference between broil and boil?

i'm suffering from hips-don't-lie syndrome.

i dreamt i was in paris, which was a vast improvement over the r train.

i have to go to the dentist today. i hate knowing i'm going to have to lie to someone later.

oh come on, who has time to floss twice a day?

when i first moved to brooklyn, ny i had a car that was filled with my clothes that i was slowly moving into my new apartment. i woke up early one morning for brunch and went outside to find my car had been broken into. my clothes were strewn all over the sidewalk, but none were taken, which completely offended me. what was taken was a case of seltzer and an open can of mixed nuts lightly salted. they also organized all of my sunglasses on the front seat and my glove compartment, which was nice of them. the police seemed confused.

guess i gotta take one for the team.

i hate that expression.

what fucking team?

i was never picked for any team.

have i been placed on this team without my knowledge?

was i picked last for this team?

do we have a uniform that i need to buy or will shirts be provided at a later date?

i was only aware of being on my own team. a team of me.

you shouldn't bring me up on a first date.

me first.

first come, first served. even if you’re not wearing shoes or a shirt.

first things first. of course, first things first. if they weren’t supposed to be first, then they wouldn’t be the first things. they would be the second things.

i hate when people say, first of all, but neglect to follow up with a second or third. if there is only one of all, then there is only all.

being first born just means you always get older first.

first comes love, then comes marriage, but let’s stop that right now, shall we?

if at first you don’t succeed, quit that nonsense. seriously. persistence is for the birds.

first place is just last place backwards.

who’s on first? who cares? bring me a beer.

baby’s first steps? who cares? talk to me when baby becomes an astrophysicist. now that shit is impressive.

this week in jenna theatre – jenna is at the elevator to go up to the dentist. a man starts to make small talk with jenna.
man – what floor?
jenna – 16th
man – i think that’s the dentist’s floor
jenna – yup
man – oh i hate the dentist.
jenna – me too, terrified.
man – that’s why i haven’t been in 12 years.
jenna – woa
man – yup. you won’t catch me at the dentist ever.
jenna – 12 years, that’s rough
man – well, when i was there they told me i needed to have two teeth removed and that i had some cavities that they would need to fill. i said hell no, and ran outta there.
jenna – umm….that seems kind of serious…no?
man – naa, can’t be true…it’s all a ploy for the government to get my money
jenna – oh…ok…(16th floor, jenna steps off) uh, good luck with that i guess?

there’s something to be said for making a good first impression.

that would not be it.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Art of Awkward - Year One

it's true, the art of awkward turns one today. so many ups and so many downs. but even if you just joined jenna on this awkward ride, you should know that she has been awkward for a very long time. a very long, long time. jenna was an awkward baby.
baby 1 - waaahhhh
baby 2 - wah wah
baby jenna - shhhhh

even back then she held a disdain for small children, preferring to keep to the company of adults and discuss kerouac, which most people only pretend to have read.
jenna (age 5)- "kerouac's writings reflect a frenetic, restless pursuit of new sensation and experience, and a disdain for the conventional measures of economic and social success…" thoughts?
sarah - lollipop?

kindergarten was very trying indeed. following an awkward growth spurt where she reached her full height in 6th grade and then proceeded to grow no more, jenna's awkwardness began to blossom in high school, where jenna found it difficult to remain upright (stupid walking) or socially adrift as bluntness often caused her some drama. she spent many a lunch with her effeminate drama teacher who needed an outlet to share his childhood traumas.
drama teacher - so, basically i haven’t talked to my mother in 20 years, ever since i came out and she tried to beat me with a spoon.
jenna (teen)- ok then, soo, do you want me to enter stage left or stage right?

some could even say that jenna became fully aware of her tendencies to attract random people who wished to talk to her, no matter their age or social rank then. as she moved into adulthood, jenna discovered a whole new set of awkwardness, such as, how much information was too much information to share on an interview?
jenna - so, i guess i first became interested in micro-brews when i was working as a beer goddess. there are some amazing beers out there, not that coors or miller isn’t a good beer to drink, or anything. but if you get some of these other beers, you will notice a big difference…have you had triple horse? what! you haven’t tried triple horse yet? are you out of your mind? leave…leave now and go and try this beer…screw it, i’ll come with you….

or should she leave the room while her professor breaks down and starts crying over her recent divorce during office hours?
professor - i loved him, you know? i loved him (sobbing)
jenna - aw, i’m sure you did…um….do you want, like, a moment (woman hugs jenna) oh, ok…
professor - he just left me…just left….

questions like these plagued jenna throughout the years the answers were often times awkward. it would seem obvious that with jenna’s natural abilities with people, she would be a natural in the world of waitressing.
jenna - can i take your order?
girl - do you have any spaghetti?
jenna - this is a mexican restaurant
girl - but what i really want is spaghetti and meatballs.
jenna - and i want a million dollars but it ain’t gunna happen here…

needless to say, she had great success as a waitress, but seeing how her tips went straight to paying her bar bill, decided her college education was better put to use at another job. a job where she had to ride the subway to and from work everyday, where her special ability to attract amazing people really came to fruition.
jenna - sir please zip up your pants
subway man - awww mama, you no fun!

baby - (staring at jenna)
jenna - (looking around)
baby - (staring at jenna)
jenna - (starting to freak out because a the baby is still staring at her)
baby - (still staring at jenna)
jenna - (changes subway cars at the next station)

through it all, jenna has tried to remain true to her falling off curbs, society questioning ways that has made awkward what it is today….

don’t be offended…it’s not like i know you.

hope you will hang around for another awkward year.