Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The Art of Finding False Facts in Freeport (Texas)

i am never satisfied with toilet paper rolls.

celery is an underrated vegetable.

gentleman, if you cannot fit into your own seat, perhaps you should stand. and if you cannot fit it into your own pants, then your parents should be proud.

you did what with a raisin?

why do people find the need to use a sports teams performance to launch insults at me? i ain't playin' second base, nor am i paying the salary for the second baseman, so your perceived slams are almost irrelevant.

your words wound me to the core.

i called out of work pregnant today. i wonder how long i can ride that lie for.

can you microwave tin foil?

no, you cannot.

how much do microwaves cost these days anyway?

if no one saw you blow up the microwave, did it even happen?

there are days I feel like I live in a state of perpetual confusion.

there are days i wish i lived in the state of denial. do you think that's on a map?

i have trouble joining fan pages of people who start their own fan pages on facebook. i find it redundant.

perhaps we should think of renaming the states of new york and new jersey. does anyone even know where the old york and old jersey are?

someone told me that I "needed to grow a pair of balls". although, my understanding of basic biology is weak, i am under the impression that that's not how that works. maybe i'm wrong. and in which case, should i, as someone not currently in possession of said balls, really be trying to accomplish this feat?

depression is the ultimate display of egotism.

i find the more i try to get lost, the more people find me.

of course you need to fight for my attention. what, like it's free?

it is getting easier to sleep standing up, however i still maintain that sitting down is probably the way to go.

i don't chase shadows. i let them come to me.

i want a beer and a nap. i'm not sure in which order.

somehow using sex as a weapon sounds dangerous.

i was cornered on the street by someone who wanted money for "" i stopped her mid-sales pitch and told her she lost me at

someone recently asked me why i thought he had trouble getting girls in his online gaming community.

sometimes the answer is in the question.

if i wanted to know how to play the board game, i would have asked. plus, i would probably actually be in the process of trying to play said board game.

it is hard to be your friend. especially when you wear a unitard.

my favorite eye candy is recess peanut butter cups.

i would like to have a pet, and name it peeve.

why wont that pesky sex tape rumor go away?

sometime people mature in reverse.

i learned a valuable lesson today. pregnancy jokes are not funny, especially if the person is actually pregnant (sorry lady on the 7 train)

I feel guilty using generic products.

i wish to be a parcheesi master.

wait, that has to do with cheese, right?

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Art of Clinging to Clichés

i can run a freaking marathon, but walking a half mile to the subway in heels is damn near impossible.

hiding garbage in the bushes still is, in fact, littering.

i accidentally wore 3-D glasses today, thinking they were sunglasses. i did not realize my mistake until I made it into work, slightly nauseous.

blow your fucking nose already.

better luck next pay check.

i hate displays of weakness.

i find it peculiar when people find the need to wear shirts proclaiming their personality traits. i guess if we are going on the assumption these shirts are true as opposed to wishful thinking on the part of the wearer, wearing a shirt that informs of who you are could actually be beneficial. you can narrow down your group of friends. diva? no, thanks. drama queen? i'm good. asshole? i'll pass.

as a rule, i do not hate people. there are always painfully apparent exceptions to this rule.

today was not my day for mass transit. first on the morning commute, a barbara bush look alike pushed me over on the subway this morning screaming at me to ‘move it’. then on the ride home, i got up for a pregnant woman and her 2 kids. the mother declined a seat, so i sat back down. then all of a sudden, i feel a bang on my head, then another, and another. i finally catch the little kids beating me in the head with their toy train. the mother remained on her cell phone, completely oblivious to the fact her kids were assaulting me with their trains. great parenting.

screw the environment, I need a bullet-proof suv.

i do not like routine; i just need it to survive. like chocolate. or a whistle from a construction worker.

i despise people who do not follow the basic rules of society.

i never take more than i need. i always ask for more than i want.

your personality reminds me of a dead penguin.

the new york mets remind me of a relationship i had once.

remind me to tell you that joke.

it's what i won't talk about that should concern you.

you don't have to work so hard to make me think you are a terrible person. i already do.

apparently i am a "gold-digger" (thank you random twitter friend?) i find this amusing as i have actually never dug for gold in my life. i have panned for gems in north carolina as a child. does that count?

if i was indeed a gold digger, than i have done a terrible, terrible job. and i need bigger boobs.

face up here, thank you.

wearing heels makes me feel like tap dancing.

i said i don't want to talk about it.

sometimes the world seems very dark. especially at night.

hair seems to be the problem. the lack there of seems to be the conclusion.

ready or not, here i come.

question marks only exonerate the situation.

better to have fought and lost, than to have spent the day in the bathroom crying.

i will defeat cheese.

i thought head phones were supposed to prevent music from being blasted to those around you. clearly, ipod does not think so.

it is not my aim to offend you. it is my aim to offend everyone.

i don't take the things you say personally, i take the clothes you wear personally.

you need new socks.

my faith was restored in humanity this week. a man offered me an umbrella to walk under in the rain. my faith was then promptly stored when that man tried to cope a feel on my ass. oh well.

six of one, half a horse either way.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The Art of Pooping in Public with Perfect People

if i followed the 'don't say anything unless you have something nice to say' rule, i might never talk.

no matter what, i'll be chasing a high until i die.

i do not rsvp to pity parties.

clipping your nails on the platform is gross. i hate that clip, clip sound.

my first thought upon seeing a raised toilet seat is that someone has been puking.

something about plastic wrap mystifies me.

feet are gross. not because of the dirt or germs or whatever people get by walking around town, but because of the stuff i imagine grows between people's toes.

watching bret michaels get taken out by a flying set piece at the tony awards was a highlight of my week.

wearing anger becomes a badge of courage.

don't dive into the shallow end of conversation.

just because they make spandex in your size, does not mean you should be wearing spandex in your size.

a car is just an empty metaphor. and the quickest way to the store.

don't laugh now, they will think you are funny.

scoring a seat on the subway feels a lot like scoring a free drink from a drunk guy. exciting at first, but then you get peed on.

the work day lasts so much longer when you actually arrive on time.

might need to rethink my strategy.

i'm sorry, we're all out of sympathy and tears here, please check back at a later time.

yes. i am making fun of you.

i usually just assume you are mad at me, saves me time in the long run.

i feel pain. i just don't like to buy it a round.

so much leg room.

i just saw a man throw a bouquet of roses on the ground then get into his car and leave. i also saw a woman crying on the subway. I wonder if the two incidents are related.

so i was a bit drunk on the subway the other night. bored and unable to read my book, i noticed the crossword puzzle the guy was filling out next to me. i saw he is having trouble filling out 6 down. it’s mark walberg, i told him. a few stops later, 22 across doppelganger, i mumbled. the guy was getting a bit angry at me and i don't blame him. i was kicking his ass in crossword puzzle and i suck at crossword puzzle. he moved seats after the next stop.

that is one of the saddest stories I have ever told.

organic apples have been pooped on by cows.

there's your ' go green' thought of the week.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

The Art of Eating Meat with No Teeth...

...and other southern traditions.

short and sweet only works in horse shoes.

i hate when people tell me to mark their words, and then don’t provide me a writing instrument. hardly seems fair that i have to do everything in that little scenario.

too much fodder makes jenna a dull girl.

i'm pretty sure i am going to jail at least once in my lifetime.

what happens when a political speech writer gets writers block? you can't exactly ask for an extension on the state of the union.

i'm constantly told i need to develop a thicker skin. i am not sure how to do this.

if i develop a thicker skin, will i become more or less appetizing to cannibals?

are there health problems related to having a thicker skin?

will words really bounce right off of me and stick to you?

i am pretty sure i was supposed to have figured it all out by now.

for everyone who has ever told me planes are safe, suck my toe.

no, not that toe, the other know what, toes are gross, let's forget i mentioned anything about toes.

what was i talking about?

for your convenience i have included a map of the subway system, but i have left off every emergency exit.

who is king of the subway rats?

just when i think we belong, i realize i forgot my phone.

don't sneeze on the door knob.

don't squeeze your fruit.

should i get fake boobs? i think i lost the warranty on mine.

and i ran, i ran so far away...

i'm not hungry, i only came here to drink.

did you know that drinking large amounts of alcohol is bad for you?

how can something that feels so right, be so wrong?

you really can be so emo.

i dodged a bullet today when 80 school kids did not get on my subway car.

i also dodged a bullet when i was shot at earlier this week.

i am not sure which on i am happier with.

i was attacked viciously by a smoothie from smoothie king.

fuck him in the eye with a kust poon.

there is never a good reason to be awake at 4:45 am. ever.

people under estimate the power of disillusionment.

i am obsessed with jamba juice. long live jamba juice. mmmm….jamba juice…

i wish life were as simple as a fairy tale.

tripping over your own feet clearly illustrates evil intent on the part of your brain.

what’s your malfunction?

i’m jealous of people who have no concept of their body moving through space and time.

please lady, continue to elbow me. i enjoy it.

if my computer tells me i cannot do that function one more time, there might be a computer falling from the 33rd floor.

singing off key at the top of your lungs on the subway about jesus, will not bring about any converts.

malfunctioning electronics confuse me. and scare me a little bit.

toaster ovens are made by people who want to have suspense when toasting bread.

i wait until the last minute to make my mind up. i wait until 5 minutes after that to change it.

i am feeling small and undersized.

has anyone ever dated a leprechaun?

i wish i had the ability to cry on command. you know what would be even more helpful? the ability to vomit on command. think of all the uses!

so, i ran a marathon sunday. i ran 26.2 miles. in 5 hours 45 minutes. as i didn't decide to try to run until 3 weeks before hand, i am pretty gosh darn proud of myself.

in related news, i am also sore as two whores on prom night and my left knee has put in for a transfer. i am ready for my next marathon!

me and my sister jocelyn after the race with our medals!

me, lydia, and jocelyn before the race!

people constantly amaze me by their willingness to torture themselves, i am clearly no exception.