Wednesday, September 29, 2010

The Art of the Game and the Pain

i would love to go to sleep.

i just don’t know how to get there.

i get lost very easily.

someone should look into updating mapquest or something.

sleep is an elusive bitch sometimes.

elusive elves for christmas.

say that 10 times fast.

actually that’s pretty easy to say 10 times fast.

i would suck as a tongue twister maker upper.

is that a job?

seems like it would be hard to get paid from that nonsense.

can you believe the time?

time is nothing but a number.

age is nothing but wasted time.

time out, it’s all too serious.

seriously, i cannot find sleep.

it appears to be missing.

and i am so tired.

so very tired.

do you ever feel like you’ve been chasing cats on crack?

whenever i hear a police siren i wonder what i did wrong.

i can appreciate how men feel like they need hair, but sometimes men just abuse the privilege.

not pointing fingers, but you know who you are.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is in her night class while following the game on her computer. (please note - jenna never does this, this is a fake situation, jenna always pays attention in class, dad, always!) a few people in the class are all waiting to hear what happens during the game.
teacher – so if we look at what the behavior of the parent’s results in terms of the child’s response we can see which one is the most effective in the chart…
jenna – (touchdown!) YES! awesome!!!
teacher – excuse me?
jenna – no, i just totally get it now, i was really confused before. the chart helped. it was like it went from zero to 7.
(classmates who know the game was on all clap or nod and vocally agree)

i can only leave with a smile and a whole lot of knowledge.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The Art of the Boom-Shakka-Lakka

you never hear about selfish shellfish.

surely they must exist.

you just know there's a crustacean out there going mine, bitch.

or a lobster not playing well with others.

have you ever had to pee at the canadian border?

it's hard to talk to someone who doesn't listen.

i never listen.

listening is hard to do when you yell.

listen to the sound of sirens.

if you don't know the answer, make something up.

no one is listening anyway.

try not to steal my ideas.

stop being so possessive over your possessions.

they're just things.

and they're not really yours anyway.

god i hate philosophy.

give me something hard.

double shot of whiskey.

i'm so thirsty i'm contemplating taking a sip out of that persons soda.

i suppose that would not be a socially acceptable thing.

some people look tired all the time.

i wonder if they're actually tired or if they just look like it.

only one way to find out.

we should outlaw rhetorical questions, don’t you think?

that wasn’t rhetorical.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is in the elevator coming home from a long day of school a woman gets on the 2nd floor. jenna has seen this woman in the building a few times and normally they exchange hellos and talk about running or working out.
woman – hi
jenna – hi there
woman – been working out late again
jenna – yeah – how’s that been going?
woman – well, i’m trying to get laid here
jenna – haha, oh really
woman – it’s been a long time.
jenna – oh, i’m so sorry to hear that
woman – like a really, really long time.
jenna – well – keep at it…?
woman – i try. lately, i’ve been trying to work out whenever i want sex
jenna – oh, geeze…
woman – i am working out now like, all the time…
jenna – oh, look, my floor…uh…good luck with all that…
woman – i’ll let you know…

oh man, please don’t.

just, please don’t.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The Art of Being as Mature as a 4 Year Old

there are two kinds of people in the world, those who fart and those who lie about farting.

which one are you?

those who are tired live a much more interesting life.

i hate having to pay attention to things i have no interest in.

it takes to much of my time.

which is good on the days i have nothing to do.

there is never nothing to do.

never say never.


i love a good expression, even when it gets stuck in my teeth.

one of my favorite games on my phone is a tip calculator.

sometimes i wonder if i never called, would you still exist?

too deep for a wednesday?

this week in jenna theatre, jenna has arrived to her second week of school and is trying to get into get her id card.
lady - can you spell your name?
jenna - j-e-n-n-a
lady - hmmm
jenna - what?
lady - i'm not finding you. may i see your driver’s license?
jenna - uh, sure.
lady - you're not showing up. is this your first day?
jenna - no
lady - are you sure you're registered?
jenna - yes...and i've been billed a crap load of money too.
lady - hmmm. have you been to classes yet?
jenna - yes. last week, this week. i'm actually on break from class now.
lady - hmm. has anyone been able to find you?
jenna - find me where?
lady - at school?
jenna - i'm here now.
lady - i'm just not finding you. maybe you don't go here.
jenna - they found me to give me my upass, they found me to give me n email address and they found me to send me bills. i'm sure i go to school here.
lady - hmm, i'll give you an id for now, but i am going to investigate you further.
jenna - you really think i'd be going through all this drama to get an id here when i’m not a student?
lady - ok picture taken.
jenna - i wasn't even ready!
lady - here's your id and you're all set.
jenna - holy crap, this looks like lindsay lohan's mug shoot!
lady - have a nice day and good luck in "school"

hmmm indeed.

i wonder how long i should wait to try to get a replacement id...

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The Art of Farting with Cheese

sometimes i fear i am incapable of dealing with human feces.

i’m not sure this is a bad thing, but it is something i have noticed.

which side of the tracks is the wrong side of the tracks?

how do you know?

do they put up a sign?

it would seem to me that living on either sides of the track would be less than desirable.

whenever i hear trains whistle i have to fight the urge to drop to the ground.

stop drop and roll over.

after a few drinks, i’ll stop, drop and go to sleep.

sleep is for the weak.

nothing good happens after 3am.


i have been reduced to mocking.

not mocking boobs, mind you.

you should never mock boobs.

bad things will happen to you.

rather i am now a mocker of all things purple.

i’m looking at you, grapes.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is waiting for the bus at night to head home. a woman walks up to her.
woman – night
jenna – yes
woman – do you have change?
jenna – i don’t, i’m sorry.
woman – you got cheese?
jenna – cheese?
woman – i like cheese. do you like cheese?
jenna – cheese is good.
woman - i love cheese.
woman – why don’t you got cheese?
jenna – well, it doesn’t carry well in the heat.
woman – it melts.
jenna – right.
woman – cheese makes me fart.
(jenna looks around for the bus)
woman – i just farted!
jenna – but i didn’t even give you any cheese!
woman – just thinking about it…there i go again!
(jenna decides to walk)

sometimes it doesn’t even matter.

those are the times i drink.