Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The Art of Asking for Too Much Cheese

revenge is a dish best served.

i like my revenge with a side of peas.

mind your p's and q'.

please and thank you.

not penis, like i originally thought.

i still don't know what q means.

i could look it up, but why bother. i'm sure you'll do it for me.

don't take everything so seriously.

sometimes the end is the beginning.

i hate when people say hello young lady to me.

i don't go around greeting people with the obvious, so why should you?

"hello old man who probably uses viagra and should think about brushing your teeth."

i smell a rat.

what exactly does a rat smell like?

who has gotten close enough to smell a rat?

and how do we know it's the rats who smell bad and not the garbage they hang out in?

you're a dirty rat!

what does a rat-person smell like?

body odor?

cuz in that case i've smelled lots and lots of rats.

especially on the subway.

ironically, the subway is where i've seen a lot of rats too.

you clean rat.

i wonder if people using "rat" in a negative way has lead to people disliking rats.

after seeing that rat movie where the rat cooks i always feel a bit of sympathy for subway rats.

i also wonder who is cooking my food.

but i wonder that anyways.

maybe i should learn to cook....

i arrive with a small tornado cloud behind me.

it's something new i'm trying.

i expect the worst out of people.

it makes the waiting that much sweeter.

fruit salad confuses my mouth.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is downstairs at the cafe ordering breakfast where she encounters ed (remember ed...the creepy security guard?)
ed - hey there pretty (mumble)
jenna - what?
ed - i said hi
jenna - oh, hey
ed - you getting breakfast?
jenna - yup (silence) you too?
ed - yes. i'm so glad i went on break now. what are you getting?
jenna - egg white omelette.
ed - you on a diet?
jenna - always.
ed - you need to eat more...
jenna - oh, i doubt that.
ed - no you got perfect curves, i like my women with some curves. no one wants to date a skinny girl.
jenna - uh...
ed - perfect curves. there was a woman who came in the other day. she had perfect curves...with these heels on.
(jenna's food is called)
jenna - well...uh...ok then...bye...

so there you have it.

i'm a big fan of ellipsis...


Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The Art of The Lost Little Lamb

i'm going on the lam.

is that the same as going on a lamb?

where is the fast lam?

can one purchase a lam ahead of time in the unlikely even that you will need to go on one?

and furthermore, what's with peacocks?

i think hard worker takes on a different meaning after a liquid lunch.

i swear there is one ant that is stalking me.

i was so hungry in the train that I sat next to some kids and started eating out of their bag of potato chips.

they were a bit too greasy.

you don't actually have to sit on my lap for this train ride.

sometimes i can hold my own ground. if you ain't moving, i ain't moving.

i hate people touching me.

well, i hate ugly people touching me.

also, if you seem to have any kind of disease or illness i'm not too big of a fan.

i hate how inferior i feel when i go to the hair salon.

don't judge me just because i don't understand the concept of double processing.

i will cut you with those freaking scissors.

and would it kill the hair dressers to actually look like they are paying attention when they cut hair?

i swear i thought i was gunna lose an ear.

we can't all be brittney spears.

i need a snack.

i spy with my little eye, a baby with a bag of carrots.

remember that game, i spy?

makes ya wonder how many private investigators that brought out of the woodwork.

well johnny, what do you wanna be when you grow up?

well, i don't know...but i do like the game, i spy...

i would be a terrible vampire.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is at the pharmacy during her busy lunch hour dropping of a prescription she has filled before.
ted the pharmacist – ok, you’re all set. are you going to wait?
jenna – can you just check to make sure you have it in stock?
ted – yea, we should have it.
jenna – are you sure?
ted – yeah, it’s pretty common.
jenna – can you maybe check? last time, i had to wait like an hour and you didn’t have it.
ted – i’m sure we do.
jenna – ok great, so i’ll just wait.
(about 45 minutes later, jenna’s name is called)
ted – so it looks like we don’t have your prescription, so i’ll have to order it and it should be in tomorrow by 2.
jenna – what.
ted – your prescription should be here tomorrow at 2.
jenna – but…but...

sometimes you run into a wall.

sometimes you fart.

sometimes, when you fart, shit happens.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

The Art of Nipping Ninja's in the Butt.

you should probably look where you’re going, because i sure as hell ain’t.

why do people say look out below when they should really be saying look out above?

if i look out below, how will i see the hammer that’s hurling at me from above?

and really, who out there is not looking before they leap?

if you are stupid enough to not look where you’re leaping, you deserve to fall.

you can take a leap of faith, but no one ever tells you where commence with the leapage.

it’s important not to look for something that isn’t there, because you are sure to find it.

true love is never blind.

unless your true love is actually blind.

i don’t think there is a pecking order. everyone around me just seems to peck at me indiscriminately.

i’d peck back, but who has the time.

i realized after a week of unabashed staring on the subway, that my sunglasses, were in fact, not opaque.

i’m not sure i’m a fan of the word opaque.

sometimes talking to you is like pulling teeth.

well, i assume it would be like pulling teeth, because i have never actually pulled teeth, so i’m not really qualified to make that statement.

and is pulling teeth really that difficult in this day and age?

and what the fuck age is it anyway?

how come when our cell phones run out of power, we say our cell phone died?

when i run out of energy and go to sleep, no one says i died.

boss told me he’d had enough of my lip.

just my lip? really? how about the rest of me?

oh mamma, it is gunna be a long, hot one.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is pissed off because she got off the train at the wrong stop and had to walk to another train stop for a transfer. as she’s waiting to cross the street, a woman handing out free METRO newspapers approaches.
woman (screaming)– metro? metro? you want the metro. free!
jenna – no thanks
woman – it’s free metro. take it.
jenna – i’m ok thank you.
woman – why you won’t take it?
jenna – i won’t have time to read it.
woman – take it, he take it (she shoves a metro at a man)
jenna – i don’t want it, but thanks.
woman (screaming) – why you such a bitch? everyone take free metro.
jenna – everyone but me.

and then i ninja kicked her.

you don’t fuck with the awkward one.

ok, i didn’t really ninja kick her, but wouldn’t that have been fucking awesome?

sometimes, i’m just a hero in my own mind.

but then again, aren’t we all?