Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The Art of Wanting to Wait 'til Wednesday

who doesn't have call waiting in this day and age? don’t you know i’m trying to call?

how is it possible that i refill the ice tray in the morning, only to return hours later to find one piece of ice remaining, thus forcing me to fill it again?

every. single. day.

i'm suspicious of anyone who claims to be a fan of math.

can you ride in the hov lane with a dog in the front seat?

hov lanes seem designed to destroy your self-esteem. you are being punished for not having friends.

isn’t that what the high-school cafeteria was for?

it’s hard to be edgy in a cardigan.

he who carries an umbrella, expects rain.

i wish life were like a baseball game.

can't start work just yet, rain-delay.

it's hard to turn down work when you need money.

it's hard to work when the best things in life are free.

i’d ask for my money back, but where would that get me?

oh, i'm sorry, is my limp offending you?

i shall limp in your face, you walking bastards.

i might grab a couple of kernels on my way back there.

kernels. not colonels.

it smells like crack in here. or cheerios.

i’m not complaining. i’m just making an observation.

how am i supposed to support someone, when the only support i’d like to give them is a hand to help them stand after i knock them the fuck out?

doubting thomas. doubting jenna.

i learned about toads this week.

am i supposed to be able to feel my feet?

wearing a trench coat makes me feel like i should be flashing someone.

i wore my glasses today at work. everyone commented on how smart i looked. and then they told me i looked like sarah palin. i feel confused by these remarks.

i put on my glasses and proceeded to walk directly into a trash can.

this was the highlight of my day.

sometimes i feel like my life is one gigantic product placement.

if you are not able to see patients in the time they are scheduled, then perhaps you should rethink your scheduling policy. 3 ½ hours is not a reasonable waiting time.

especially when all you are going to do is give me bad news.

this week, in jenna theatre - jenna is on the subway heading home after a long day of work. her head is pounding from staring at a computer screen all day and listening to people whistle around the office. she just wants a moment of peace. at the first stop, a child and his mother step on the train. no sooner do the doors close, the son begins screaming and running up and down the car. he comes over to jenna and grabs at her magazine, which she pulls away from his sticky hands. unhappy, he screams in her face, jumps on the seat next to her and starts stomping his thomas the tank sneakered feet and jumping up and down screaming some sort of song at the top of his lungs.
mother (to jenna) – isn’t he adorable?
jenna (to mother) - no.

the heart wants what the body can’t provide.

nothing is more disappointing than realizing that all you have accomplished is to fail with a rapid speed.

and you my friend have failed to cover up your penis.

i’m not complaining. i’m just making an observation.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Art of Smiling Sweetly to Swedish Fish

you never notice the way a toilet flushes until it doesn't.

i find the escalator depressing this morning.

moving slow is for the dead.

you are only capable of doing great things when you are asked not to.

sometimes people will tell you a story, no matter how hard you try to avoid hearing it.

hiding will not help.

even if you’re under your desk at work.

when choosing a hiding spot, make sure you have a plausible reason for being there, should you be found.

i wish i had the ability to grow my ears.

i can grow a chia pet.

sometimes being friends with you is like ripping off a band-aid. i know it's going to hurt, but i can't seem to stop looking at the wound.

i hate when people tell me i have a problem with drinking. i don’t have a problem with it.

the only people have problems with drinking are the people who don't do it right.

i miss number 2 pencils.

which is the ultimate act of cruelty? telling someone you saw a cockroach run behind their bed, or not telling them you saw a cockroach run behind their bed?

sometimes life is nothing but a box of screws.

you never know when you’re going to need power tools.

you honestly make the simplest thing seem like quantum physics.

lucky for you, i took a few classes back in the day.

i'm a friend of foe.

disney has made me have sympathy for subway rats.

it takes a certain type of person to shred documents.

i wish there was pie.

you should always wish for pie.

some people love when the sun shines in their room in the morning. i say fuck that shit sun, and i draw the curtains.

not like a sketch or anything.

do you want me to draw the curtains or draw the curtains?

the world may never know.

i used to want to be original growing up. then i changed my mind.

i wish i could change it back.

i can never seem to spare some change.

spare change can change your mind.

unless you're mine. then there is no room for error.

or a low bank account.

when i’m depressed, all my thoughts are in song lyric form.

saran wrap is my mortal enemy.

having bangs is like having a puppy that isn’t house broken.

i hate when i accomplish something extremely difficult and there is no one there to tell me how fucking awesome i am.

i usually try to gather a crowd and then do it again.

when you look at me that way, even my mind shutters.

no means no. yes also means no, when said with that inflection.

i hate when people are all noble and shit. this usually means i have to be too.

i'm a pretty secure person, until my computer asks me if i'm sure i want to do that action. i think i do? i don’t know. do i? fuck you windows.

what happened to the self-centered girl i know you to be?

you don’t tickle my fancy, but don’t take it personally. i’m not very ticklish.

i miss the good old days when all you needed to have fun was a t-bird.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is at the front desk at her job answering the phones after lunch. a call comes in.
jenna – *name of the job has been removed*
man – hello there this is john johnson* (name has been changed, but it was just this ridiculous)
jenna – hello
man – hi. i’m interested in applying for a grant for this year.
jenna – ok, well our current application deadline has passed.
man – oh, yeah i saw it on the website.
jenna – yeah…
man - can i still apply?
jenna – not for this year’s competition
man – ok, but i didn’t apply.
jenna – right
man – well, let me tell you a little bit about myself and my idea….i am a world famous photographer and instead of wasting my time in fashion, i want to go and help children and society and pain and suffering and (he continues talking about some grandiose idea and his credentials as a photographer and artist….jenna tunes him out and begins playing bejeweled)
man – don’t you think this is exactly the kind of project your foundation would want to sponsor? doesn’t this sound like a brilliant idea?
jenna – yes! (jenna gets a high score in bejeweled!) yeah, no, it sounds great.
man – it would be a real shame for it not to get funding.
jenna – sure would
man – so, i can apply?
jenna – next year’s competition…

sometimes you knock and nobody is home.

sometimes you knock and someone answers the door in nothing but their underwear.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Art of Long Goodbyes with Short People


oh wait, i haven't started yet.

i have the unique ability to sound like a bitch when I'm trying to be humble.

i think technology is trying to fuck with my mind.

sometimes there is nothing to do in a day but count how many times your co-worker breathes through the mouth.

my manhattan building did a fire drill on 9/11. they couldn't wait a day?

sometimes i get so bored that i keep forgetting what words mean.

i still play that childhood game when walking to the subway, "don't step on a crack or you'll break your mothers back."

hopefully this does not directly effect my mother’s back.

oh well, i was never the favorite anyway.

everyone keeps telling me i'm soaking wet. well, it is raining outside.

ahhhh self medication. ain't it funny?

i find you to be a pathological liar.

but i could be lying.

why do people always say let sleeping dogs lie?

i say wake the bastards up.

but let the liars sleep. who needs that fucking nonsense on a monday morning?

sometimes i wish i was one of those people who look so put together. alas, i am not one of those people. i look like i rolled out of bed and fell into whatever was closest to me. if fact, i had a pair of underwear stuck to my jeans for about 5 subway stops today.

when it rains, you get wet.

just because you are in your car, doesn't mean i can't see you. please put your shirt on.

and consider pants.

i always catch the end of a crime.

it is a pretty awesome feeling to know you ruined someone's day by simply walking.

i have such power!

i try to have a zen approach to life.

some people do not enjoy the sounds of a bamboo flute early in the morning.

the words bimbo and bamboo are very close to each other.

in that regard, some people do not enjoy the sounds of a bimbo in the morning, either.

it is possible to fail and succeed at the same time. it will just give you a massive headache if you attempt to understand how, so take my word for it.

being physically fit is exhausting.

i'm not intimidated easily. i just prefer to quit.

did you know that it is possible to walk the same route every day and still get lost?

jenna theatre - at the movies, finally getting ready to watch harry potter, running slightly late, jenna decided to stop at the concession stand. there is one couple in front of her about to order.
woman - i'd like a large popcorn and a large diet pepsi.
concession dude - i'm sorry, we don't have any more diet soda.
woman - no diet soda?
concession dude - none
woman - about seltzer, do you have seltzer?
concession dude - of course we have seltzer.
woman - alright, i'll have one of those then, if you don't have any diet soda.
(transaction is completed, jenna's turn)
jenna - hi i'd like a medium popcorn and a large seltzer.
concession dude - we don't have a seltzer.
jenna - what?
concession dude - yeah, it's out, but we have pepsi, diet pepsi...
jenna - but you don't have seltzer.
concession dude - nope.
jenna - and you have diet pepsi.
concession dude - you got it
jenna - (stares blankly at him then walks away)

i have a great idea. let's bring a 4 year old to the late night showing of harry potter and let them run up and down the aisle and start crying and screaming for you while you make out with your partner in the back.

and you wonder why your child will decapitate birds.

i guess i should be more concerned about repeating myself, but you probably weren’t listening anyway.

i know i wasn't.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

The Art of Running Red Lights in Your Underwear

i can't tell if you're being funny or if you're being mean.

when i'm feeling self destructive, i like to buy cookie dough and a scale.

i cook best without a plan. maybe i should look at my life that way too.

it's no good swimming in the deep end.

tall people seem to really like tennis.

i keep mistaking that lady's arm for a fat baby.

curbs seem to exist simply for me to fall off.

it's an art. not a crime.

that is not amusing. and i laugh at everything.

someone asked me what kind of animal i thought i represented. i told them to fuck off or buy me a beer.

i have trouble meeting new people.

i can't decide if things just don't come easy to me, or if i'm clueless about things that are coming.

do you ever look for hidden cameras in the kitchen when you're going to take junk food out of the refrigerator?

the more you talk, the less I hear.

i hate how some people are capable of making you apologize for everything.

first donuts, now popcorn. are you trying to kill me?

sometimes i like to fart in a full elevator.

i hate the expression 'full of hot air.' isn't everyone full of hot air?

just once, i'd like to ride a hot streak to the top. why do i have to stop when the going gets good?

sometimes i feel like i'm choking on silence.

silence is the golden rule.

or is that play well with others?

i don't do very well with rules.

especially the ones i created to be broken.

silence is golden. i dislike gold. i like silver. silence is silver.

i love words you can roll your tongue around. anthropology. evolve. fucker.

no, i would not like to install the updates to my computer. i see an 'install now' button and a 'remind me later' button. how about a 'shut the fuck up and leave me alone' button?

this week in jenna theatre - location, security desk where jenna works. the character, a security guard, who jenna really should know the name of but can never remember, and will henceforth be named, ed.
ed - are you heading for lunch?
jenna - best time of the day (fumbling for key card)
ed - you always sneak out the back, i never see you
jenna - yeah, well, I'm sneaky that way.
ed - i eat lunch.
jenna - oh that's good.
ed - maybe one day we can eat lunch together?
jenna - oh. i don't think so.
ed - why not?
jenna - i don't really eat.
ed - you don't eat?
jenna - not really.
ed - but you're heading out for lunch.
jenna - uh, doctors appointment.
ed - oh. well, maybe we can go together one time?
jenna - to the doctor?
ed - sure.
jenna - ummm...ok, yeah, maybe.

if i didn't talk to strangers, my life would be pretty boring. sorry mom, you were wrong on that one.

i think some things should go without saying. i mean, i have never tried to smell your feet, perhaps you should stop trying to smell mine.

in the end, all i can say is i tried...

i tried every kind of beer there was...and still wanted more...

but i guess that's why they call me mellow yellow...

(ok, no one calls me mellow yellow)

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The Art of Fighting a Fire Truck

but where are they selling the hot dogs?

there is an art about choosing a bathroom stall. watching women dodge in and out of stalls, looking for the perfect toilet, i wonder what people are looking for. i understand if something is on the seat, that's gross, but does toilet paper in the bowl somehow make the toilet unusable? you do know that people have used the toilet before you, even if there is no visible evidence, right?

well, sure there's a crib in the bathroom of a bar

pampers and patron.

should i tell people when i find their hair offensive?

i'm not sure you're a jeans and t-shirt girl if you wear high heels and pearls with them.

i have fought a fire truck and lost.

feelings are made for fighting.

i'm always falling into someone else's dreams.

swollen body parts freak me out.

i feel like it's the 21st century people, planes should not have propellers.

you're the damn computer, you mean to tell me firefox surprised you by randomly closing? you had nothing to do with it? are you two fighting?

tragedy is breaking the only beer bottle opener in the house.

sometimes it pays to discover, but mainly you just pay discover.

i was attacked by a curb.

i don't find satisfaction in delayed gratification. especially when plotting revenge.

it's a good thing i have great boobs, cuz i can't spell for shit.

this week in jenna theater, while walking from the F to the 7 train, a man approached jenna and attempted to have a conversation.
man- have you been to france
jenna - (taking out headphone) excuse me?
man - jesus loves you
jenna - thank you. (putting headphone back in)
man - (still talking and following close behind) i always try to help you. i always try to help you.
jenna - (taking headphone out)what?
man - you need to turn left, and go down the stairs.
jenna - excuse me?
man - why don't you listen to me? i sing. (starts singing random notes) jesus loves you pretty girl, walk to the left, and don't fall down.
jenna - ok, then.

i don't know what they say monkeys.

how is a size 7 shoe anywhere close to a size 11 shoe?

thank you, but i will not be trying them on.

people love to show me all their disgusting body things they have going on. i must be a magnet for that kind of thing.

i think a man pet me today on the subway.

are feather hats still in style?

i have seen the future and it doesn't look good. might as well drink while our livers still talk to us.

that's my plan anyway.