Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Art of Making Change With Your Teeth

the problem with taking pictures of dead guys is they never smile.

sometimes i like to think of all the things i could be doing with my life.

then i take a nap.

napping is boring.

unless you have something to do that you don’t want to be doing, then napping seems like the perfect diversion.

it’s not my fault i’m so damn efficient.

if i were an apartment, i’d be an efficiency.

i’m like an energy star appliance.

have i beat this horse to death?

or wait, it’s like beating a dead horse.

what if the horse was just sleeping?

i don’t think we should be endorsing the beating of animals in any way, and shape, or any form.

even if they are already dead.

i know i would not want to be beaten in a post-living state.

even if it’s all just a state of mind.

my mind is not fully functional in this state.

my mind is not fully functional in any state, except maybe new york.

someone told me they were moving to the lovely state of boston.

i asked what boston’s state quarter looked like.

apparently, it’s a very elusive quarter…

i’m in perpetual motion.

i stop on a dime.

i will also stop on two nickels, ten pennies, a nickel and five pennies, and i’ll give you change for a quarter, but only if it’s not laundry day.

and only if it’s not a boston quarter.

those things are collectible items.

i wish i understood if people were joking sometimes.

this week, in jenna theatre, jenna is trying to get on the subway after finishing a long day of work. she barely slides inside as the door closes, satisfied with her achievement, she smiles and grabs a seat and closes her eyes for a quick nap, but the man begins to speak.
man – hi
(jenna sighs, says a curt hello then tries to resume her nap)
man – has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are?
jenna – all the time.
man – i’ll bet.
man – you have a beautiful smile.
jenna – thanks.
man – i noticed you were smiling at me.
jenna – uh…not really, i was just happy to make the train.
man – where do you go to school?
jenna – i don’t
man – you don’t! you drop out?
jenna – no, i finished.
man – you did! you look like a baby.
jenna – thanks
man – i’ll take care of you, i’m a good guy.
jenna – i’m good.
man – let me see your driver’s license.
jenna – dude…
man – i want proof of how old you are.
jenna – is there like, a sign on me that says talk to me?
man – what?
jenna – nothing! this is my stop.
man – wait, i’ll give you my number,
jenna – what for?
man – so you can call me.
jenna – yeah, i’m good…and you’re a little creepy, dude.
(jenna gets off the subway car and walks into the next one to continue her ride home. after sitting down the elderly woman next to her taps her with her cane and says hello)

in this life we are surrounded by things we can’t change.

sometimes people ask me why i respond to people at all.

the way i see it, you can fight the good fight, but in the end, you’ll still end up next to an old lady, who just wants to chat.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The Art of What the Hell Just Happened to My Computer?

it's not so much that i'm a cat person, it's that i'm an anti-human person.

who told you those pants looked good?

ignorance may not be bliss, but sometimes it's sure nice.

don't judge.

someone recently told me to get on the bandwagon.

seeing as there was neither a band nor a wagon, i politely declined.

i was also told to get on board.

where is this mystical board people want me to climb on?

in related news, you should not climb on your boss.

waiting for the late night train is like watching an episode of jerry springer.

my horoscope suggested that as a farmer, i should be prepared to fight the corporate invasion.

guess i should get on that?

sometimes it's a matter of making it to the cherry blossoms.

i give myself the benefit of the doubt when there is not benefit to be had.

it's easier to be talked out of something than to be talked into something.

if you have the choice, wear longer shorts.

you don't know how many times i've thought to myself, huh.

if you can embarrass yourself, you probably will.

if there is a curb, i will fall off it.

i have to admit, there is something nice about listening to hit songs played on the organ.

i can’t help but think of a little old church going lady, sitting there, squinting at music for “my humps.”

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is in a long line at a popular clothing store h&m. jenna is minding her own business when a guy from behind her decides to solicit jenna’s opinion.
guy - ohmygod do you like this shirt or does it just look like a giant curtain?
jenna - umm. it's kinda cute..
Guy - but?
jenna - maybe a little curtain like.
Guy - fuck
jenna - i mean it doesn't look like maria von trapp made it or anything...
guy - hmmm i don't know, i don't want people to be all, what is he wearing?
jenna - well, if you like it...
guy - fuck em?
jenna - you got it.

in honor of the guy walking around in a curtain shirt, i invite you all to say, fuck it and wear what you like.

but you can bet your ass i'm gunna have something to say about it.

don't worry, it's not like i know you.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

The Art of Playing Ping Pong with Peacocks

plain and simple.

simply plain.

you’re simply the best, but only if you’re the only one in a room.

then you’re simply there.

nothing is ever quite that simple, especially when trying to cook chicken.

so simple, even a child could do it, if that child was, in fact, all mensa and shit.

geico has ruined cavemen for me.

simple simon.

remember that geico cavemen tv show they tried to have?

simple, simon says.

life is deceptively simple. it’s people that fuck it all up.

that’s where beer comes in, which can also fuck it all up too.

it’s a fine, fine line.

i find fine lines are the best ones to tightrope across.

less mess, more stress.

a prospect that’s simply irresistible.

nothing is what it seems when you forget to take off those 3-D glasses after the movie.

it doesn’t matter what i say, you’re not listening to me anyway.

my patience is paper thin.

not construction paper thin, but like, rice paper thin.

nothing makes me happier than when someone falls off their horse.

i’m not picky about the height.

at least pretend to be working.

sometimes i think you’d look better with a fork sticking out of your head.

one would think i had anger management issues.

on the contrary, i manage my anger very well.

otherwise, there’d be a lot more cutlery incidents.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is talking to a friend, who we’ll call joan. joan is telling jenna all about her new diet.
joan – sooo, i finally did it! i’m eating vegan and raw now.
jenna – vegan and raw? wow, that’s pretty intense, but hey, congrats.
joan – well, i really needed to lose weight and i felt bad for the animals and they say that following a vegan diet is a great way to be healthy and that gwyneth paltrow does raw and she is super skinny, so i’ve been doing it for about a week now.
jenna – how much weight have you lost?
joan – none yet, but it’s been super easy.
jenna – easy? really? i would imagine it would be kind of a challenging to do.
joan – not at all. this morning i had a turkey sausage omelet with raw onions.
jenna – umm…isn’t that like, the opposite of vegan?
joan – what do you mean? i’m not eating any animals.
jenna – well, the sausage…
joan – it’s turkey, turkey’s a bird.
jenna – well, if i remember correctly from my vegetarian days, i don’t think there is that much of distinction. and then there’s the eggs…
joan – i can’t eat eggs?
jenna – they come from chickens. and then everything was cooked…
joan – except the onion was raw
jenna – ahh, right, but i’m not entirely sure that negates everything else.
joan – really?
jenna – i think so.
joan – well, shit.
jenna – indeed.

and sometimes it really is, all that simple.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The Art of Dumping Dead Doors

if you see a newspaper on the sidewalk, it might be best not to pick it up. you never know what it could be covering.

being environmentally friendly can be quite unpleasant sometimes.

is being green a fad?

it seems like every few years someone decides to care about the environment.

at least i get a cool bag out of the deal.

if you must get trapped with somebody, at least get trapped with somebody who's organic. that way, if you have to eat them you can at least be healthy about it.

i'm always trapped on the wrong side of the door.

when one door closes, don't automatically assume another one will open.

what if the room only has one door?

what if you're locking up for the night?

what if you try to open the window, but it's locked?

break on through to the other side, unless of course the other side is filled with tomatoes.

this is making me feel very claustrophobic.

i crave wide open spaces with lots of shade.

i'm not one for the heat.

or the rain.

in other news, it does not always pour when it rains.

but when it rains, you will always get wet.

i look like a drowned rodent when i get wet.

this is not an attractive sounding quality.

ok, i look like a kitten after its first bath, ready to claw your freakin eye out.

ok. that's not so good either.

what else ya got?

do you ever feel like you're going nowhere at the speed of silence?

to test if light travels faster than farts, we should come up with a way to make farts glow in the dark.

why not? it's not like we're getting any closer on this pesky common cold thing anyway.

i can't think when i'm dehydrated.

but i can drink when i think.

there's too much time to think in a big city.

maybe one day, you'll know what i mean.

maybe one day, i’ll know what i mean.

i think i saw jesus on the "f" train.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is on the train heading home. in what might be one of the only times in the history of subways, the voice of the conductor can actually be heard and understood, partially because the conductor is speaking very loudly and very slowly.
conductor – this train will now be running express. express, express service only. this train will not be making local stops. there will be no local stops at this time. this train is express, express, express only. express stops! no local service. express only!!!
passenger to jenna – so this train is running local?
conductor – express service only, if you want local service get off this train! express service only, no local! no local, express service only!
jenna to passenger – yes, yes it is.


who says new yorkers aren’t a helpful, friendly bunch?