Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Art of Muscle Relaxers

i have a problem with mouth wash.

the bottle sizes are irrational.

i have yet to possess a medicine cabinet where one of those big fuckers fit.

i hate the way mouth wash burns.

and if it doesn’t burn, how do i know it’s really mouthwash?

you never know who wants to talk about pee.

a bus ride with more that 2 people talking to themselves in more than 2 languages?

that's what you call win win.

i think i was just your placeholder.

i hate when i like something i swore to hate.

makes me hate it all over again.

i guess it completes the cycle.

you won’t hear that shit on lion king.

i’m not interested in making sense.

maybe i should read this over when i’m not on muscle relaxers.

hello sidewalk.

where would be the fun in that?

that girl was a barrel of monkeys.

monkey see monkey do.

has anyone ever had sea monkeys?

remember when they used to try to sell those in the back of magazines?

i always wanted a sea monkey.

until i realized it wasn’t actually a monkey.

now i just want a monkey.

but i digress.

monkey is one k away from money.

the more you know.

this week in jenna theatre…how jenna fell on the sidewalk. 
jenna was walking from the bus stop to school in a slight bit of a rush, when she decided that instead of waiting for the ok to walk sign she would dart across the street. now most of you might be thinking, well this is how she fell. no this is not. she quickly dashed across the street, dodging passing cabs that seemed out to get her in what felt like a crazy version of frogger. once she was safely across the street she dodged a group of fast walking business men sliding under an awning. she continued down the slippery sidewalk, avoiding the icy patches the salters had just missed. the final crossing of the street came and she lost her balance for a second but quickly regained her composure to complete the trek. as she went to enter the turnstile doors she tripped over her own two feet and proceeded to face plant directly into the glass doors that someone was trying to turn at that exact moment. reeling from the fall, she quickly stepped back and lost her balance, falling on a patch of ice on the sidewalk.

what can ya do?

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

The Art of Making Dinner on the Run

is it better to just forget the past and move on?

if you forget the past did it even happen?

if no one talks about it and a tree falls down in the middle of it, does it make a sound?

i am feeling too fucking inquisitive for one blog.

is there a way to get what you want without having to do something you don’t want?

for instance, right now i want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

but what i don’t want is to have to get up.

or get the bread out.

or put the peanut butter on the bread, followed by the equally annoying jelly task.

then you have to put all that shit away.

and depending on the type of person you are, you might have to use two knives.

or a knife and a spoon.


i don’t judge.

and because i am one of those people, i would have to use a knife for the peanut butter and then a separate utensil for the jelly.

while they combine on the sandwich, never should the two combine in the jar.

i also freeze my bread so i’d have to toast that bad boy up.

which means getting the toaster out.

wow i waste a lot of time thinking about things.

i guess i’m the thinking man’s drinker.

this is why i don’t cook.

all you have to do is open the beer and you’re done.

i will wait for instant gratification.

and how strong is your tie to onions?

mine is weak at best.

i hate awkward bathroom eye contact.

fellas back me up here.

i mean, true i don’t have to see anyone’s junk but i'll know if you just took a smelly shit and i think that can be just as bad.

don't look at me.

i’m feeling anti you today.

but on the plus side i am feeling very pro me.

and very pro boobs.

which is convenient.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna was on the train heading to see a movie when two things happened at the same time. first she realized she was heading in the wrong direction and two the train stopped and was being evacuated. as she realized she needed to get the train going downtown she started to run back into the station, that now had smoke pouring out of it.
cta worker – yo, girl, you can’t go in there. the trains on fire.
jenna – ok, but that’s just the uptown train right?
cta – right.
jenna – so there is no fire on the downtown trains.
cta – the station is being shut down.
jenna – ok, but can i just run in there and hop on the downtown train?
cta – you see the smoke?
jenna – yea…
Cta – then no you cannot.
jenna – how bad is the fire?
cta – you really want to jump on a burning train?
jenna – hmmm
cta - really?
jenna - not really…ok, i’ll figure something out..ummm…thanks…and good luck with the whole fire thing.

yes ladies and gentlemen, i became one of “those people.”

i wouldn’t dish it out if i couldn’t take it.

but i’m still not making a fucking peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The Art of Telling Someone They Got Fat

is it better to sink or to swim?

i suppose it depends on the crocodiles.

i hate to be lied to about my food.

i hate lying to my food.

i hate when my food just lies there.

i hate the word lay.

unless i’m getting laid.

people need to relax more.

it’s just a joke after all.

who doesn’t love a good cup of guilt?

watching the news is like playing russian roulette.

i would not like to be a fly on the wall.

always trust a woman’s intuition.

never trust my sense of direction.

sometimes you’re the fly and sometimes you’re the wall.

you know, i’m still curious about those mints.

in most airports i'd be considered a suspicious package.

is that a suspicious package, or are you just happy to see me?

never gets old.

everyone gets old.

do you ever feel like your mind is stuck on a continuous loop, like one of those old school record players that keeps going round and round and round until you just want to scream or bitch slap whoever invented the fucking thing in the first place, and then find yourself standing there panting like some kind of hyped up coked-out chihuahua thinking what the fuck happened to me and how did i get here?


me either.

motivation sucks.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna has been working at the library to help pay for her schooling. she is putting books away when a woman comes up to ask for assistance.
woman – i’m looking for a book.
jenna – sure, no problem, what book are you looking for.
woman – it’s for class. dr. (name has been removed) class
jenna – ok, do you have the title of the book?
woman – it’s on the syllabus.
jenna – ok, just going to need the name of the book and i can find it for you.
woman – i’ll be right back. (comes back ) 350.
jenna – is the name of the book?
woman – no the class number.
jenna – oh, i just need the name of the book then i can help you out.
woman – (goes away and comes back) it’s by barton.
jenna – the book is by barton? and the name of the book is….(jenna types in last name and see’s 100’s of listings) i have a lot of books by barton.
woman – it’s for the 350 class.
jenna – oh ok (pretending to type) i see it, oooo sorry i think it’s been checked out…but i’m leaving here in 5 minutes, so maybe you should check back with one of the other librarians ok?

i really need to stay away from customer service.

don't call it a comeback.