Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The Art of Fishing

theraflu orange tastes like an orange took a shit.

last week when it was raining, i was climbing up the stairs behind a woman and her umbrella. there was a mob of people coming down the other side, so i couldn't pass her. she stops, yes, STOPS in the aisle and starts fooling with the handle. nothing good can come from this, have we not learned anything people? all of a sudden she turns around and manages to get the umbrella open....in my face! no warning, no awareness that someone was even in the same space as her, nothing! so, using my cat-like reflexes, i tried to duck or dodge out of the way, but not without getting stabbed in the head for my troubles. she then whipped the umbrella over her head, taking some of my hair with her, and sprinted up the stairs, leaving me confused and with a tiny bald spot.

i did not ask to cuddle with your grandma for a reason.


http://www.petswhowanttokillthemselves.com/ - no really, why did i not think of this website...

i work on the 33rd floor. i really wish i could pee out the window sometimes.

everyone who knows me, knows i have anxiety. so why are so many people surprised when i get anxious? dude, it's bound to happen.

i don't want to get political.

you know, my day would be a lot better if i could just have some goddamn pineapples. maybe a nice fruit salad...just sayin....

i am the only one in the world allowed to be melodramatic when sick. everyone else must be realistic and get over themselves. i don't make the rules. i just follow them.

i took my first hip hop class monday. i will pause so you may laugh now.

(ed. note - i didn't suck...)

i consider it to be a successful day when i don't happen to run into one of the ladies of the office brushing their teeth in the communal bathroom. i don't know how they do it, the thought makes me want to vomit. for some reason i think there is like, poop, flying around the bathroom...

i try to floss, but it's so damn boring

sometimes i get dandruff in my hair. even my scalp has separation anxiety.

On the train this morning the conductor came over the speaker and said "Ladies and Gentleman, this is your conductor. Yes, that's right, your conductor..." It made my day. I didn't even mind being held in the station momentarily.

I hate when people fish for complements. i don't really like fish much either, so i suppose i really hate it when people fish.

Twat. What a fuckin fabulous word. Twat. As in, I am so gunna punch you in the...

i don't get euphemisms. or esophagus's. or chairs.

just because i live like an animal, smells like a petting zoo, sometimes i pee in the shower, does not mean i don't love you! (i miss my radio show, and bonus point to anyone who knows what those lyrics are from...yes, they are lyrics. not my witty doings)

someone told me i looked like i was up to no good. honey please, i am all good, especially when i am no good.

Sister's Text : I feel like death
My Response : Sick or murder?

I lament my feet.

In honor of FAT TUESDAY, might i direct your attention to.... http://www.thisiswhyyourefat.com/

wish i was drunk!


Wednesday, February 18, 2009

The Art of What You Talkin' About, Willis

shut-up. the most useful phrase in the english language. next to fuck off. which is the most fun phrase in the english language.

spelling is over rated.

i wish i could tell someone what i really think of them.

when i find myself at a loss for works i tend to make faces. you cannot see my faces right now. but i promise you, i am making a very funny one.

do you ever feel like people don't know the real you, but that if they did, they wouldn't like you?

i hate when people lie on their blogs.

in that spirit, i feel i must confess, i really don't like what you're wearing today. and you look fat.

you can't make a purse out of a pig, and you can't get a man with a gun.

a chimp mutilated a woman in CT (for those living under a rock) The score, for those of you keeping track at home: Mother Nature:1 Humans:0

silence is Golden. your singing sucks.

damn you, mafia wars....

if you see something, say something.

i love tap dancing. tap dancing, however, does not love me.

when i first moved to brooklyn, i had to call someone every single night i came home from work to have them google me home. i couldn't find my apartment to save my life. i still maintain that i have an excellent sense of direction, and it was actually my apartment that moved every night....

i would love a job as a recap blogger for tv shows...like the dog whisper, and america's next top model. i love to read really witty recaps. even if it's on a show i watched.

i learn more from the elevator captive network in my morning assend to the 33rd floor, than i do reading AM new york. seriously, who writes that thing!

today's word of the day was smarmy. if you use it 3 times, it's yours.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The Art of Rambling

don't be offended, it's not like i know you.

i'm in love with cesar milan

as some one who is so small, i find irony in how much i suck at small talk.

half the time i feel like a pig in a party dress.

why are so many girls so stupid over boys.

i like to eat jello with a plastic fork.

if you think you talk to much, you should probably shut the fuck up.

sometimes i think i am broken beyond repair.

i have a love hate relationship with 99% of everything in my life. the other 1% is not worth my time, but i keep it around for looks.

toga, toga, toe GA. to go.

you know times are tough when drug dealers start making sales calls.

sooo why is H&R Block turning itself into match.com?

i have passive-aggressive pure hatred towards someone. i feel slightly confused but this, which only exonerates the issue.

i spent 3 hours at the mall this weekend. further confirming my notion that the mall is hell. and teenagers are it's minions.

poop. that word makes me giggle. yes i am 4.

i wish i was an heiress...to something cool...like popcorn...i could be the jiffy pop heiress...or deodorant. where's my silver spoon, dammit!

i like animals better than people.

someone told me coke zero is diet coke for men.

there are flowers on my desk that are now dead. i cannot seem to throw them away.

i miss vodka. belvedere, it's been too long.....

anything you can do, i can do better. i can do anything, better than you. no you can't. yes i can. no you can't. yes i can.

i hate the phone. it is evil.

i posted some 25 thing bullshit on facebook recently. it amazes me that the one thing everybody had a problem with was me not finding babies cute. just because i am a woman, does not mean my empty womb crumbles every time i see a little baby in a basket. in fact, it makes me gag a little. and want a drink.

i think i will become one of those crazy cat ladies. oh, or dog ladies. are there crazy dog ladies?


and remember, knock 3 times on the ceiling, if you want me....