Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The Art of Fishing

theraflu orange tastes like an orange took a shit.

last week when it was raining, i was climbing up the stairs behind a woman and her umbrella. there was a mob of people coming down the other side, so i couldn't pass her. she stops, yes, STOPS in the aisle and starts fooling with the handle. nothing good can come from this, have we not learned anything people? all of a sudden she turns around and manages to get the umbrella open....in my face! no warning, no awareness that someone was even in the same space as her, nothing! so, using my cat-like reflexes, i tried to duck or dodge out of the way, but not without getting stabbed in the head for my troubles. she then whipped the umbrella over her head, taking some of my hair with her, and sprinted up the stairs, leaving me confused and with a tiny bald spot.

i did not ask to cuddle with your grandma for a reason.


http://www.petswhowanttokillthemselves.com/ - no really, why did i not think of this website...

i work on the 33rd floor. i really wish i could pee out the window sometimes.

everyone who knows me, knows i have anxiety. so why are so many people surprised when i get anxious? dude, it's bound to happen.

i don't want to get political.

you know, my day would be a lot better if i could just have some goddamn pineapples. maybe a nice fruit salad...just sayin....

i am the only one in the world allowed to be melodramatic when sick. everyone else must be realistic and get over themselves. i don't make the rules. i just follow them.

i took my first hip hop class monday. i will pause so you may laugh now.

(ed. note - i didn't suck...)

i consider it to be a successful day when i don't happen to run into one of the ladies of the office brushing their teeth in the communal bathroom. i don't know how they do it, the thought makes me want to vomit. for some reason i think there is like, poop, flying around the bathroom...

i try to floss, but it's so damn boring

sometimes i get dandruff in my hair. even my scalp has separation anxiety.

On the train this morning the conductor came over the speaker and said "Ladies and Gentleman, this is your conductor. Yes, that's right, your conductor..." It made my day. I didn't even mind being held in the station momentarily.

I hate when people fish for complements. i don't really like fish much either, so i suppose i really hate it when people fish.

Twat. What a fuckin fabulous word. Twat. As in, I am so gunna punch you in the...

i don't get euphemisms. or esophagus's. or chairs.

just because i live like an animal, smells like a petting zoo, sometimes i pee in the shower, does not mean i don't love you! (i miss my radio show, and bonus point to anyone who knows what those lyrics are from...yes, they are lyrics. not my witty doings)

someone told me i looked like i was up to no good. honey please, i am all good, especially when i am no good.

Sister's Text : I feel like death
My Response : Sick or murder?

I lament my feet.

In honor of FAT TUESDAY, might i direct your attention to.... http://www.thisiswhyyourefat.com/

wish i was drunk!


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