Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The Art of Swimming on an Empty Stomach

i have a dysfunctional relationship with my stomach.

apparently Missouri is a state. my apologize to the good citizens of Missouri.

sephora is an evil and magical place.

sir, i believe you are no longer supposed to open the windows on the subway.

how ingrained is the "bless you" response that follows a sneeze? is it religious for anyone anymore? should you refrain from saying it to a jewish or hindu person? would that person be offended if you did say it? or more so if you didn't? is this now merely a social response, much like the "you're welcome" to most "thank yous." the exception being the sarcastic "thank yous" which usually result in the middle finger or the sugar sweet bullshit reply. would you ever break up with someone who didn't offer a bless you after a sneeze? does the lack of a socially expected "bless you" make you re-evaluate your relationship? if you yourself refrain from a bless you and that person is taken over by the devil, as was the olden day belief, could you live with that?

i need a deep tissue massage like a cow needs the rain.

everybody is an asshole sometimes. you, however, abuse the privilege.

i hate when people start shit with me on days when i am not prepared.

if i had five minutes in between an insult and my response, i could be brilliant. why is it later that night in bed when i come up with my most scathing response?

my ear is hot.

you never know how used your thumb is until you break your nail and have to use it every 5 minutes.

physical exercise is good for you. try to find something you can do in your daily life, for example drop kicking a baby.

i find therapy in the bottom of every bottle.

you know how people always say, "Oh she's got such a pretty face, if only she were thinner.."? What if she lost weight and her pretty face was now an ugly face... is it better then to have a pretty face with a little junk in the trunk or an anorexic ugly face?

how do you know when mayonnaise is bad?

if you can't win something, why do it?

thank god i went to a cheap school.

i question pepto bismol.

still tryin to plant that money tree.

apparently based on some cupcake theory, the people over at msn believe that the economy is turning around...i didn't actually read the article...i just looked at the pictures of cupcakes. so that's all i have.

i want a fucking cupcake.

i have been thinking about marathons a lot lately. i know my sister - who i am insanly proud of( and some people are running them soon. it seems to be one of those things that ends up on people's "Things to Do before I Die" list...i thought about if i would ever want to run one...i think i could probably do it, i'm pretty athletic and my body is pretty strong. i run 5k's like nothing at the gym...but would do i actually have the desire to run one? not even a little bit. give me a soccer pitch and ball any day. i have a feeling i would stop running a marathon after an hour or so, out of sheer'd find me at the freakin bar...

it goes without saying that if you are insane and want to run a marathon, rock the fuck on...

i'm excited my pants almost feel off while running to catch my train...well, i wasn't excited about almost flashing people, or having to run, or almost missing my train..

in related news, FEED ME! I AM STARVING!!

i jest.

no, i don't.

what the fuck day is today?

if the directions say "Do NOT enclose a self addressed envelope" why on earth would you include a "self addressed envelope?"

the only reason to run longer than an hour, is if somebody is fucking chasing you.

it's not that i'm that busy, it's that i'm that lazy.

i keep trying to find new and inventive ways to crack my back.

"Running. People think running is a sport. Running isn't a sport because anybody can do it. I can run, you can run. For Christ sakes, my mother can run! You don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated, do you? " The Late Great George Carlin...

i have that fucking hill shire farm commercial in my head...“Oh my! Oh me! That lunchmeat’s bourgeoisie!”

and i am sooo excited for...



Jocelyn said...

Now I'm going to start chasing you so you will run longer than an hour and run the marathon. I'll give you a head start...aaaaannnd go!
And I agree with george carlin, not a sport, but I freakin love it. Lets play soccer! Wait, thats not a sport according to him too...well damn

Michelle said...

The whole bless you part made me want to watch the movie "Singles".

Lauren said...

I always wonder about that bless you thing, like if people will get offended by it.
And I always have the comeback hours after the confrontation.
And I always think about running marathons too...then I'm like meh. Nevermind. Ha.