Wednesday, June 3, 2009

The Art of Eating Meat with No Teeth...

...and other southern traditions.

short and sweet only works in horse shoes.

i hate when people tell me to mark their words, and then don’t provide me a writing instrument. hardly seems fair that i have to do everything in that little scenario.

too much fodder makes jenna a dull girl.

i'm pretty sure i am going to jail at least once in my lifetime.

what happens when a political speech writer gets writers block? you can't exactly ask for an extension on the state of the union.

i'm constantly told i need to develop a thicker skin. i am not sure how to do this.

if i develop a thicker skin, will i become more or less appetizing to cannibals?

are there health problems related to having a thicker skin?

will words really bounce right off of me and stick to you?

i am pretty sure i was supposed to have figured it all out by now.

for everyone who has ever told me planes are safe, suck my toe.

no, not that toe, the other know what, toes are gross, let's forget i mentioned anything about toes.

what was i talking about?

for your convenience i have included a map of the subway system, but i have left off every emergency exit.

who is king of the subway rats?

just when i think we belong, i realize i forgot my phone.

don't sneeze on the door knob.

don't squeeze your fruit.

should i get fake boobs? i think i lost the warranty on mine.

and i ran, i ran so far away...

i'm not hungry, i only came here to drink.

did you know that drinking large amounts of alcohol is bad for you?

how can something that feels so right, be so wrong?

you really can be so emo.

i dodged a bullet today when 80 school kids did not get on my subway car.

i also dodged a bullet when i was shot at earlier this week.

i am not sure which on i am happier with.

i was attacked viciously by a smoothie from smoothie king.

fuck him in the eye with a kust poon.

there is never a good reason to be awake at 4:45 am. ever.

people under estimate the power of disillusionment.

i am obsessed with jamba juice. long live jamba juice. mmmm….jamba juice…

i wish life were as simple as a fairy tale.

tripping over your own feet clearly illustrates evil intent on the part of your brain.

what’s your malfunction?

i’m jealous of people who have no concept of their body moving through space and time.

please lady, continue to elbow me. i enjoy it.

if my computer tells me i cannot do that function one more time, there might be a computer falling from the 33rd floor.

singing off key at the top of your lungs on the subway about jesus, will not bring about any converts.

malfunctioning electronics confuse me. and scare me a little bit.

toaster ovens are made by people who want to have suspense when toasting bread.

i wait until the last minute to make my mind up. i wait until 5 minutes after that to change it.

i am feeling small and undersized.

has anyone ever dated a leprechaun?

i wish i had the ability to cry on command. you know what would be even more helpful? the ability to vomit on command. think of all the uses!

so, i ran a marathon sunday. i ran 26.2 miles. in 5 hours 45 minutes. as i didn't decide to try to run until 3 weeks before hand, i am pretty gosh darn proud of myself.

in related news, i am also sore as two whores on prom night and my left knee has put in for a transfer. i am ready for my next marathon!

me and my sister jocelyn after the race with our medals!

me, lydia, and jocelyn before the race!

people constantly amaze me by their willingness to torture themselves, i am clearly no exception.


Blackstocks said...

Great job! I love how I can always count on a few solid laughs each and every Wednesday! That is sooo awesome about the marathon. You are incredible!

The line about getting me shot actual made my office mate come over to see what I was laughing at.

Jocelyn said...

Love you and your blog. Thanks for the shout out :)
If I wasn't feeling so shitty I'd think of something more clever to say

Anonymous said...

Pondering whether thicker skin is more appetizing to cannibals is hilarious. I loved that whole bit. Plus, the title of today's blog also had me laughing. Actually, I loved the whole thing. Congrats on the marathon. Josie

SBS said...

I laughed out loud at this line: "i wait until the last minute to make my mind up. i wait until 5 minutes after that to change it." That fits me too a T.

By the way what if, instead of fitting me to a T it fit me to an R. Would that be the same thing? Better or worse.

Awkwardly yours,
A reader