Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The Art of Pooping in Public with Perfect People

if i followed the 'don't say anything unless you have something nice to say' rule, i might never talk.

no matter what, i'll be chasing a high until i die.

i do not rsvp to pity parties.

clipping your nails on the platform is gross. i hate that clip, clip sound.

my first thought upon seeing a raised toilet seat is that someone has been puking.

something about plastic wrap mystifies me.

feet are gross. not because of the dirt or germs or whatever people get by walking around town, but because of the stuff i imagine grows between people's toes.

watching bret michaels get taken out by a flying set piece at the tony awards was a highlight of my week.

wearing anger becomes a badge of courage.

don't dive into the shallow end of conversation.

just because they make spandex in your size, does not mean you should be wearing spandex in your size.

a car is just an empty metaphor. and the quickest way to the store.

don't laugh now, they will think you are funny.

scoring a seat on the subway feels a lot like scoring a free drink from a drunk guy. exciting at first, but then you get peed on.

the work day lasts so much longer when you actually arrive on time.

might need to rethink my strategy.

i'm sorry, we're all out of sympathy and tears here, please check back at a later time.

yes. i am making fun of you.

i usually just assume you are mad at me, saves me time in the long run.

i feel pain. i just don't like to buy it a round.

so much leg room.

i just saw a man throw a bouquet of roses on the ground then get into his car and leave. i also saw a woman crying on the subway. I wonder if the two incidents are related.

so i was a bit drunk on the subway the other night. bored and unable to read my book, i noticed the crossword puzzle the guy was filling out next to me. i saw he is having trouble filling out 6 down. it’s mark walberg, i told him. a few stops later, 22 across doppelganger, i mumbled. the guy was getting a bit angry at me and i don't blame him. i was kicking his ass in crossword puzzle and i suck at crossword puzzle. he moved seats after the next stop.

that is one of the saddest stories I have ever told.

organic apples have been pooped on by cows.

there's your ' go green' thought of the week.


Jocelyn said...

hahaha. love it. Did you really help that guy out with the crossword puzzle? I would have been so pissed!

blackstocks said...

Yay! Another fantastically awkward and random blog by the queen of random awkwardness herself! I am never eating organic apples again. That subway story sounds too fantastic to be real. Hahaha. So funny. The Brett Michaels thing was probably one of the best things I have seen in my entire life! Great job!

Lauren DiGiacomo said...

The subway story was really funny, I wish you had that on tape. Haha to the go green thought of the week. Great as always!

MEYA said...

The Art of Awesome! I laughed at loud at so much of this, like always...all the subway stuff - lol.

Anonymous said...

Love the snipets of subway life.
I must remember your lines....."I don't rsvp to pity parties and don't dive into the shallow end of conversation." How long till next Wed.? Josie