Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The Art of Being Dark and Cynical on a Bright Sunshiny Day

sometimes i can't tell if it's raining or if people are just spitting on me.

sometimes i wonder what’s going on up there.

do beautiful people use inhalers, or do hot people just blow air into their mouths?

i hate not knowing what you think of me. i hate that i care.

you're only as happy as your last suicide attempt.

a man in the elevator at my office building, eyed me up and down, then asked if it was take your daughter to work day already.

no, it is not.

here i am, a dark cloud of cynicism.

make him buy the dress ladies, it'll never last.

if you have underwear not fit for general public viewing, might i suggest carrying your dirty laundry in a bag that is not see through? i don’t need to see anybody’s skid marks.

don't worry about me, i always make it home.

current company dress codes appear to be men: business casual, women: slut.

i hate that i have tiny legs and big dreams.

this has been a sub par effort.

remember the good old days where people were afraid to confront people because they might loose their damn minds. ahhh memories.

i actually considered looking through a dumpster this morning when i saw what appeared to be a large unwrapped candy bar.

incidentally, it was a rat.

i sweat in the shade.

virginia is for lovers. so are vaginas.

this one's for you.

i see nothing wrong with drinking before noon.

i see nothing wrong with drinking before nine.

i think somebody moved my house.

i like to read spam mail, just to check in on the evolutionary status of societies scam artists.

apparently the freakin’ united nations had a trust fund that i am a beneficiary of. who knew?

i hate when i accidentally go to work.

i don't know what's worse, loosing 20 dollars or watching the waitress spill your cocktail.

people only like you when you're down.

quitting is the cowards way of saying i like you.

i think i’m lost, but i am sure it is around here somewhere.

those who throw stones, hurt me.

aren't we all just intended victims of something?

its not that i'm cold hearted, i just hate when technology wins.

leave your cheese at the door.

there is a bit of optimism between your teeth. you might want to do something about that.

i'm just sayin’ it seems like i am always just sayin.'

there ain’t no place like home.


Jocelyn said...

Nice. Dark but funny at the same time. How did you do that? :)

Lauren said...

Ha- did the guy in the elevator really ask you that?

Aww tiny legs :(

And you are always just sayin'!

A stellar blog, as usual!!!

Michelle said...

I freaking love love love this blog. Guess that means perhaps I love you too! A little!! :O)

How do you think up these things???

blackstocks said...

Yay!! I loved it. You managed to find the perfect balance between dark and funny. Very hard to do. Kudos on that accomplishment! I love reading your blog every are too funny for your own good.

A. Bask said...

Can unequivocally say that watching the waitress spill the cocktail is worse. At least for visual thinkers with long, long memories.