Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The Art of Breaking Bread with British Boys

if you're going to go through the trouble to get fake eye lashes, lip injections, and get your hair all done up, you might as well wear a bra.

i realized i walk around with a small smile on my face. i am not sure why i do this.

i'm too old for this shit.

stop reading what i am writing over my shoulder. yes, i am talking to you.

if laughter is the best medicine then why don't doctors give people laughing gas?

maybe it's bad karma, but i could watch people try to parallel park all day.

i can't be friends with people who have never eaten chocolate pudding.

i almost kicked a rat.

i hate when i can't tell if a man has one arm or not. i suppose it doesn't matter, i just like to know either way.

was that your stomach growling, or are you just that excited to see me?

i hate how one person can ruin your day.

this week in jenna theatre –
while working the front desk – the phone rings
me - hello (insert typical greeting)
gf - hello this is george fullultman calling for *name has been removed to protect identity*
me - I'm sorry, he's not in today, may I take a message?
gf - sure tell him george fullultman is calling. that's g as in...uh...
me - g as in george?
gf – yes, g as in george, e as in…oh…

honestly, people!

this morning i fell down some urine soaked stairs. little did i know this would be an indication of how my day would ultimately go.

don't you hate it when years of loyalty is repaid by a kick in the shins?

i hate when people are passive aggressive. can't we all just be aggressive?

if karma and payback get to be a bitch, why can't i be one too?

there's nothing wrong with her that a high limit credit card can't fix.

i feel like michael jackson today.

i realize i swear an exorbitant amount. especially when exercising.

why couldn't i have gotten the tall, skinny polish super model genes?

boys and girls, i think i have given birth to a new ab and ass muscle. hello little ones, i hope you will be happy here.

with great responsibility, comes great responsibility.

things that are green taste better than things that are brown. please see m&m's for further understanding.

sometimes you're the egg, and sometimes you're the chicken.

i see your lips moving, but i don't believe a word that's coming out.

lying is like eating crackers in bed. there is always something there to remind you.

at the end of the day, i am a really nice person, i like to think. but if you don't stop reading over my god damn shoulder, i might be forced to kick you were you would really rather not be kicked.

sometimes you're the pole, sometimes you're the pole dancer, and sometimes, you're just fucked.

have no fear, though, i will still be here, i promise.



this is by far one of the scariest things i have ever seen...

6 comments:

Jocelyn said...

If someone went through all that trouble, they don't NEED a bra! Why were you kicking rats? You feel like MJ? as in you feel dead? I sweat a ton too! Damn our "jeans". With great responsibility, comes great responsibility. LOVE IT.
Really good stuff!

PunkRockRunner said...

I can only hope that the urine soaked stairs were OUTSIDE your apartment. If not, *somebody* has a problem.

Oh, I Googled Polish Super Models, only one came up, and she models socks on the radio.

Take care,

Ron (that's "R" as in Ron)

Lauren said...

You walk around with a small smile on your face because you know other people are assholes.

I always have that issue with one-armed men- I can never tell either!

You have the worst luck with subways and dirty city experiences. lol

That doll backpack-woah!!! There are some serious sickos out there.

Lauren said...

And great job as always!

cNicRun said...

LOL i'm ROTFLOL! :)

Michelle said...

I am kinda reading over your shoulder, please don't kick me!!

It's only because I love what you have to say! Please don't kick me!!