Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The Art of Petting Perfect Pigeons

you gotta knock this one out of the parking lot.

i need to move...or buy some new shoes.

do you ever wonder if the choices you make are wrong, or just unpopular?

sometimes i think i'm a victim of both.

most the time, i don’t think it matters, you see with women it’s all about the hair, with men, it’s all about the penises.

do you have any questions for me?

i got hit on by a homeless man with no arms. he asked to hold my hand.

it is really hard to ignore someone who isn't around to be ignored.

pay attention to me so i can blow you off, damn it.

i should have asked first, but was this tennis ball down john’s pants?

the cleaning lady left cleaning supplies on my desk. i think she's trying to tell me something.

i'm going to leave poop on her desk.

lights are on but nobody’s home.

not that anybody would ever go there anyways.

and in this environmentally friendly climate, i’m not surprised.

turn off the damn lights.

if there was really only 4 minutes to save the world, i’m afraid i would not entrust that to madonna and justin timberlake, despite their success as multi-million dollar performers.

non-drinkers threaten my existence.

sometimes i think i only exist to tell you how wrong you really are.

it’s a dirty job but someone’s got to do it.

at least while the job market is in such a state of distress.

beggars can’t be choosy.

even thought they often are. i had a half a subway sandwich that i didn’t want anymore. nothing was wrong with it, just decided i was done with subway for the next week or so. a man was sitting outside with a sign that say he just wanted some food or a train ticket home. i didn’t have a train ticket, but i had some food, so i offered him my sub. he took it and asked, “is there mayo on this?” i replied a little light mayo, but not that much. he handed it back to me and said he didn’t like mayo, but thanks anyway.

i’m done with passive aggressive people for this week. instead of looking for the deeper meaning, i shall take what you say at face value.

let this be a warning to you all.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna and her tall friend alex, who is a bit over 6’7”, are pulling into a parking spot at trader joes to grab some organic groceries. a man and his girlfriend parked a few spots down, but clearly thought that jenna and alex’s parking spot should have been their parking spot.
ponytail guy – (to girlfriend) dude, i’m gunna fuck that guy up. that was our fucking spot.
girlfriend – it’s fine. we have a good spot.
ponytail guy – no. that was our spot! i’m gunna go smash all the windows.
girlfriend – honey, he’s a lot bigger than you, you need to calm down.
ponytail guy – it doesn’t matter, i could take him.
girlfriend – you really need to keep your voice down, i don’t think you could take him, he’s huge.
ponytail guy - i could fucking take him.
jenna – (turning around to the guy) dude, really? you're wearing a shirt with mr. spock on it.

later, we cut in front of him at the checkout line.

we didn’t really, but wouldn’t that have been a better ending?

i guess it goes to show, you can’t always change the outcome, unless you’re a writer, and then you can have whatever reality you choose to exist in.

in my reality this week, i am drinking a bottle of dom perignon after winning my first tony award for acting and my first emmy award for writing…

and i might as well throw in winning 1st place in the philadelphia marathon…

dream big! (and by dream big, I’m really just dreaming for the dom perignon

9 comments:

Jocelyn said...

nice alliteration :)
The cleaning lady is telling you to come clean my apartment...hehehe
I love how homeless guys in NYC are picky. Love it.

blackstocks said...

Jocelyn, I hate you....

I think this was one of my favorites. The problem with reading your blog is that as I still have bronchitis, every time I laugh (which seems to be a lot) i break into massive coughing fits. I think my office mates think I am dying.

My favs of the week:

"i got hit on by a homeless man with no arms. he asked to hold my hand." - This was too funny

"if there was really only 4 minutes to save the world, i’m afraid i would not entrust that to madonna and justin timberlake, despite their success as multi-million dollar performers." - This made me laugh so hard I almost peed...no joke

"later, we cut in front of him at the checkout line." lol

"
in my reality this week, i am drinking a bottle of dom perignon after winning my first tony award for acting and my first emmy award for writing…" I can see it happening...soon :)

PunkRockRunner said...

Dear Jenna,

I would have held his hand BUT only after he gave you a hug.

If your cleaning lady has a desk then I would recommend checking the file drawer (of said desk) for a bottle of Dom Perignon because she must be a pretty "upscale" cleaning lady.

I must say that if we only had 4-minutes to save the world that I wouldn't mind bringing sexy back. May as well end on a high note.

I always assumed that when Madonna wrote "like a virgin" that she had not lost her virginity, she had merely misplaced it. The last I heard, it was at A-Rod's apartment.

Next time, buy a train ticket, smear mayo on it and see what Mr. High & Mighty does then. Oh, better yet - Miracle Whip! He may never make it home again.

Old Spock or New Spock? Much like "new" Coke it makes a big difference to the story.

I trust my comment has not threatened your existence.

Rock on awkward one!

Punky

MEYA said...

Nothing is funnier than poop on a desk. As for the homeless guy...You should have wiped the mayo off the sandwich using the wall then handed it back to him. Funny stuff, as always.

Lauren said...

The 4 minutes song...hahaha. I can't believe that guy handed the sandwich back to you...oh man.
I love the story with you and Alex...haha dude you're wearing a shirt with Mr. Spock on it.
And that's the beauty of writers, we can do whatever we want in our stories!
If I could afford Dom Perignon, I'd give you some after running that marathon. :)

Anonymous said...

Once again you had me laughing out loud. Loved the homeless, armless man wanting to hold your hand and of course the turn down of the sub sandwich sporting mayo. Pricelees---.i guess it goes to show, you can’t always change the outcome, unless you’re a writer, and then you can have whatever reality you choose to exist in.
You deserve some Dom Perignon in your reality. Josie

Southbay Girl said...

winning Philly and a bottle of Dom...well I can guarantee the bottle of Dom!!

I got lots of pet poop you could leave for the cleaning lady!! Actually-send your cleaning lady over-I need her!

Bask said...

Is your friend Alex a recent Bennington graduate?

Anonymous said...

Your “passive aggressive people” perspective is perfect – but it gets me quietly riled up