Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The Art of Buying a Used Death Bed

i find myself confused by overly cheerful people.

dear cranky tourist. if you don't like our subways, get the fuck off. i'd like a seat, you crabby ass munch.

if i'm getting a paper cut on my face from your newspaper, then perhaps you are sitting a little too close.

my mouth gets me into more trouble than it can get me out of.

you have once chance to punctuate correctly. you have fucked it up.

by talking to me in that tone, you know you are taking your life into your own hands.

all hands on deck, it’s gunna be a bumpy ride.

you are hands down the worst at understanding me.

put your hands down, i'm not robbing you.

don't bite the hand that robs the cradle.

or rocks the cradle?

the best scam in the world was pet rocks. really. pet rocks? there is nothing pet-like about rocks.

they're fucking rocks.

did anyone ever become emotionally scarred by having a pet rock? did some poor child grow up giving love and affection to something that would never be able to love her back. and then, did she take those lessons of life and love into adulthood, having a string of emotionally stunted relationships that echo of emptiness and chocolate ice cream? all because of a pet rock.

get your rocks off my front porch.

maybe we should stop biting people in general, what with rabies and swine flu.

i'm not asking you to remember me, i'm asking you to stop calling me.

i'm pretty hard to forget.

wait, what were we talking about?

i wish i could select my memory.

when things don't work like they're supposed to, i usually take the blame.

“who's to blame? sue's to blame!”

there will always be someone to blame.

in my office, that someone is me.

blaming someone is simply a technique to avoid dealing with the issue. in the end, does it even matter? the problem still exists and you are still a little prick.

oh, and for the record, nothing is ever my fault.

i'm not surprised by your behavior anymore, in fact, i take bets on it. i never loose.

this week in jenna theatre - on halloween night, taking the packed subway home, a man sits next to jenna on the train while jenna is attempting to read her magazine.
man - happy halloween
jenna - thanks, happy halloween.
man - it's the night of fools (silence) festival of fools. halloweeeeen. i was going to dress up this year as something awesome.
jenna - oh yeah, why didn't you?
man - i did.
jenna - oh, already?
man - no, now.
jenna - you're dressed up now?
man - yup!
jenna - what are you supposed to be?
man - i dressed up as myself. i'm awesome. you want my number?
jenna - (laughing) ummm no thanks. But that was funny.
man - (a few stops later) i'm a christian, so that's why i don't do halloween. is that why you're not dressed up?
jenna - (trying to read) no, just busy. i don't think halloween has anything to do with that. it's just for fun.
man - nope, it's the devil. the devil will get you if you wear a costume because he gets confused.
jenna - interesting.
man - i think you need to learn more, can i have your number? maybe we can go to church together.
jenna - you should have quit while you were ahead.

best comment of the night by a drunk asshole on canal street : "i'm wearing a condom tonight, because i'm going dressed as a dick" my response, "why bother with the condom?"

what’s wrong with you, did you have a pet rock as a child?


Jocelyn said...

I had 5 pet rocks growing i didn't. Although if I did, I would blame those pet rocks.
That guy really said that to you on the train? you should have punched him in the face.

blackstocks said...

Yay to being first to comment...FINALLY!

Awesome job this week. I loved the flow of your randomness.

For some reason these lines cracked me up:
put your hands down, i'm not robbing you.

don't bite the hand that robs the cradle.

or rocks the cradle?


best comment of the night by a drunk asshole on canal street : "i'm wearing a condom tonight, because i'm going dressed as a dick" my response, "why bother with the condom?"

Can anyone say ZING!

Yay for Wednesdays...I still love my rock :(

blackstocks said...

grr....Jocelyn, I will never forgive you for beating me.

PunkRockRunner said...

When "Crabby Ass Munch" is the opening act you know you're in for a special awkward post.

I had a pet rock. Well actually her name was Pam Nye and she may as well been a rock. I took her to see Grease (twice) in the Theater and put everything I had into that relationship. In the end, she cut her hair and I stopped loving her. She ended up dating and marrying a football player. I had heard, years later, that she never did grow her hair out again. Too bad.

Oh, I don't understand why anyone would have paid for a pet rock. What will all those strays in the neighborhood.

I think Pam Nye may have thrown a pet rock through my windshield once. Not sure...

For the sake of this post I hope you never stop riding the subway.

Thanks for awaking horrible memories of lost love...

Awkwardly yours,


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Run2NY said...

LOL - classic!! I LOVE Jenna Theatre especially. Did you give him your number? I would probably have as his line was awesome....until he asked you to go to church with him. Ho hum..

BUT - I love Wednesdays! Why - because I get to go to an Australian pissy lunch and then come home and get Awkward! Is that too much information? Oh well..

Lauren said...

Another great post that I can relate to. :) I had a couple of Jenna Theater moments this week that made me think of your posts -- I'll tell you all about them!

Anonymous said...

Pet Rocks rocked. The subway traveler must have been scarred by his pet rock. That was a hoot. Another great job. Josie

Nicole said...

OMG OMG OMG IM LMFAO!!!! SOOOO FREAKING HILAROUS!!!!! Did that guy really talk to you like that? i wish i could have seen that! I would have died laughing! people are idiots!!! i love the flow of your posts girl- so freaking hilarious!!! great job!

Michelle said...

Funny lady, you are freaking hilarious!

A paper cut on your face from the newspaper of the asswipe sitting too close!! CLASSIC!!!

Southbay Girl said...

"why bother with the condom" funny shit!!! "going as a dick"...did he have a costume on because aren't most men dicks anyway??? Maybe it's just the ones I've dated!

MEYA said...

Sue really is to blame, that bitch. munch = hee hee. Sorry you have a paper cut on your face - that sucks! Very, very, very funny - as usual.