Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The Art of Not Sliding Home


i am being cautiously cautious.

hate allergies, love tacos.

it's not that i want you to crash and burn, it's just so much more entertaining to watch you fall.

sometimes life is like raking the leaves on a windy day.

todd e., i find your face offensive.

i totally thought a cute boy was staring at me on the subway. it wasn't until i got off the train that i realized why. the jeans i am wearing have a huge hole located, you guessed it, right by the crotch. i basically flashed somebody for 7 stops.

too sexy for this computer.

i apologize for your ignorance.

i still don't know what i want to be when i grow up.

you know how in those old tv shows, when kids shared a room and they had a fight, they would put tape down the floor so the other person couldn't cross it? ever feel like you wish you could do that as an adult? like, i don't know, on the bus...or in your office?

why do bathroom stall doors open in? i always have a moment of panic when i'm trying to get out of one.

why do I need the gym again? oh yeah, cuz i eat. damn you food network.

what ever you think, i didn't do it.

apparently i need therapy. thanks for that. shall i send the bills to you?

i am afraid i'll break a baby. it's not that they're that great, i just don't want to be responsible for breaking your kid.

i hate when pharmacists judge me.

someone just touched me with their arm pit. no. i did not ask for that to happen.

anger makes you puffy. not the rapper. the shape.

when is a head contusion funny?

i can't decide if i'm hungry or gassy.

i love a good bitch fest, but only in whispers.

after getting out of a long relationship every girl dates an asshole and a guy with a small penis. sometimes you date an asshole with a small penis and get it over with in one shot.

famous people are just like you, except people give a shit about them.

i still love books.

i can't feel bad for people who deliberately hurt themselves.

you need a new job.

mornings are evil.

i feel lost when trying to give directions.

i wish i was already there.

rudeness is like farting. when it happens, everyone notices.

i get confused on nights of the week that start with t. tuesday, thursday, tonight, tomorrow...

if you shower without soap, it's really just getting rained on.

why has no one told me about 30 Rock, ok to be fair, people told me but why didn't i listen?

i have a sugar body scrub that i love. the only problem is the ants love it too. we had a show-down in the shower. i was in there, all ant free, and just as i opened the jar, the first ant appeared. he must have alerted his friends because then they appeared everywhere it seemed. i was so freaked out i stepped back quickly, slipped, and was sprawled out in the bathtub. as it turns out it wasn't ants, it was some fuzz the cats tracked in.

there is, however an ant problem i am trying to solve. i know they are watching with their creepy ant eyes.

i think it's funny how some word sound the same, but have completely different meanings. imagine that story with the word aunt.

i guess that's why people should have accents, to help us tell words apart.

my cat likes to find my underwear or pants and climb inside them and take a nap. i dated someone once who did the same thing. it wasn't nearly as cute.

people say money can't buy happiness. but this is false. it can. and none of that rich in love bullshit. yeah, being rich in love rocks, but i want to be rich in rich. love can't get me club house level at the mets. love can't get me into the diamond lounge at caesars, although once it did, but that's neither here nor there. love can't hook me up in a penthouse in downtown manhattan. and love can't buy me jewels. and damn it, i want some jewels.

i am now skinny enough to go back to wearing my g-strings. oh lovers, how i've missed you.

i have a crush on you.

remember sweetie, a man who would pinch a girl once, would just as soon hit her with a frying pan.


Xander said...

OH man...these keep getting funnier and funnier. Fucking Beltran. And YES...It feels so comforting to know that someone else shares my moment of panic when trying to exit a bathroom stall. Sometimes I stay in the stall longer just to putt off having to deal with that stress as long as possible.

Jocelyn said...

I feel so much pressure when commenting on your blog. I want to be witty and cleaver too... So I sit and I wait, but nothing is coming to me.
I'm going to punch Todd E in the face! I'm glad I had my asshole and small penis dude already, now on to BIGGER and better things :)

Meya said...

Creepy AUNT eyes....ha ha! So many funny things, again! I can not name them all.