Wednesday, April 29, 2009

The Art of Swearing Too Much

i live in new york fucking city - and i can't get a frozen margarita delivered to my house?!?!? THE INSANITY!!!!

i sometimes feel electronic devices are trying to communicate with me. i'm pretty sure my microwave has evolved.

riding elevators with strangers stress me out. i am always thinking...if we get stuck in here, how would this person taste?

you know, it's funny, just the other day i was wishing i have an old, fat, white republican around to tell me how to live my life.

i only have to pee when there is no bathroom in sight.

i hate when i find myself watching infomercials as if they are tv news reports and then buying into the concepts...ohmygod! yes! i DO need a sponge that has the soap and wax in it, and there is one for a dog? brilliant!

procaulk...heh - heh

i want a snuggie. no i don't, yes i do.

i don't understand why people like me sometimes. i'm loud, i'm moody, i'm sassy, i swear like a sailor, and according to the homeless man on park and 40th, i've got great tits....oh wait...maybe the answer is in the question....

upon stepping on the scale and discovering a number i didn't like, i proceeded to carry the scale around my apartment to see if location helped my chances. apparently by the window i am 2lbs lighter.

are they really benefits if they cost you 500 a month?

i am often spoken to like i am an idiot. i often punch people in the knee.

i know it's supposed to be polite and make you feel special, but when people use my name in every sentence, it makes me feel creepy.

i don't have the knack for remembering names. people should be required to wear name tags in the work place.

i know you might feel like you're closer to the front of the line, but standing with your face four inches from my ear, shockingly, will not get you in any faster.

i understand there is a scientific explanation behind it, but i honestly feel like my stomach is attempting to make contact with me.

i use strange accents to answer the phone at work sometimes.

i wish my boss would wear a bell around his neck.

according to Swiss scientists, sweaty men smell like cheese and sweaty women smell like onions or grapefruit. they should know. they're swiss.

so i tweet...and while i have friends on there who post occasionally, it is primarily me and my sister...talking to each we do on gchat, and aim, and facebook, and text message, and blogspot.....

my face has been spontaneously blushing.

at work, no matter the judgment you make on a judgment call, it will be the wrong one.

i thought there was something on my face. turns out it was my face.

why doesn't anyone respond to fire alarms anymore?

fuck braces.

i want to start a new game. fat or pregnant? is that mean?

i did not realize it was possible to be that unfunny.

how honest is too honest?

i feel slightly satisfied and greatly nauseous.

sometimes it's not that people are good or bad, it's that when they are dating you, they make you unbearable.

i am only happy when i know i won.

if you don't hold on to your shit, somebody else will.

you would be so lucky if i was your ex.

i am leaning slightly to the left. literally. my bag is heavy as shit.

why have more people fallen asleep on my shoulder in the last week, than in my entire life combined. apparently i am cuddly.

if i am a mother, my kids will love winnie the poo. i feel the earlier we introduce bowel movements, the better my life will be.

fuck my feet...cute shoes suck.

i always feel really embarrassed buying those huge value packs of toilet paper. i always worry people are thinking "man, that bitch must take a lot of shits!"

i am either extremely early or extremely late everywhere i go.

dude, if your penis is a big as your stomach is fat, then please, by all means, sit with your legs spread as wide as they can go. otherwise, close up, buddy, and let someone sit.

why do they keep giving the flu animal names?

in the past week, i have used to word "asshole" 957 times in describing people.

someone asked me for directions to somewhere, i couldn't hear what she said so i said, "i'm sorry, where?" she yelled, "learn english!" and stormed off. apparently i am one of those geniuses who spontaneously learn languages.

i am greatly saddened by the loss of bea aurthur. her humor and wit, and dead pan delivery both on stage and on screen, shaped my view of women in comedy. a woman doesn't have to be weak, dumb or slutty to be funny. and she was certainly none of those things...

however i fear i am all of those things...thanks anyway bea!


Jocelyn said...

When people use my name more than one time in a conversation it freaks me out too! one time is plenty... I know what my name is!
i comment on your tweets..and blogs...and AIM you, gchat with you, facebook with you all at work...Life is good, isn't it?

OMG the Word Verification for this comment is "winni" I kid you not!

Lauren said...

Fuck braces is right! I had them for like 8 years. They sucked.
And people dating you can definitely make you unbearable. Ha.
What's your obsession with bowels?

Meya said...

This is one of your best ones. Excellent wit and wisdon and freakin' hilarious! Put these in a book - call it the Book of Blogs.