Wednesday, May 13, 2009

The Art of Catching Fly Balls with Your Fly Down

nothing says "hit me" like a "baby on board" car decal.

i think shopping for bathing suits has to be one of the most horrific experiences women have to endure. worse than roller coasters. i just don't understand why dressing rooms have to have mirrors...or lights...

i'm feeling unproductive.

i don't get fashion. didn't the 80's already happen?

you wanna hit me, hit me, you wanna leave, there's the door, i honestly don't give a shit anymore.

do you ever find yourself stressing about getting a project done at work and then find yourself wondering why? the only thing that lies at the end of this project is another more annoying project, and so you play bejeweled instead? no? me either.

i am doing something stupid in 17 days. fingers crossed.

i hate writing "matthew" i always feel weird crossing the "t's" do you cross with one line? but there is two t's - is it fair to the other t? but two lines look to avoid the whole situation.

i like being a bit crass every now and then, but there is a time and place.

the art isn't in the photograph, but in the taking of the photograph.

and i wonder, still i wonder, who stopped the rain?

who's train is that?

i had a doctor that once thought i was being abused. when i used to be vegan, i bruised really easily. like, touch my arm and it would bruise kinda bruising. so i had some marks on my arms and he was worried. sweet of him yes, but completely unnecessary. i was like, honestly, if someone hit me, everyone would know about it. i would never shut up about it. i would probably have t-shirts made and try to get a book deal out of the incident....and, if we are being completely realistic here, there is a good chance that person would be far worse off than i. i may be tiny, but i'm scrappy.

let this be a warning to you all.

how do you know if you're annoying someone?

i hate photographic evidence.

i smell doom. it smells like burped up apple juice.

how many scales are too many scales?

i need someone else to do my shopping.

go see star trek. i am in love with spock. just sayin'

vegas. ve-gas. veg-ass. vague ass.

i am about to be touched by some guys hot dog. no, that is not a sex euphemism. literally. this guy is now touching me with his hot dog. a fucking hot fucking dog.

I wish my stomach and my mouth could agree on what they want to eat.

people who know baseball stats freak me out. I fucking love the game, don't get me wrong, but knowing who pitched a no-hitter in 1987 does not impress or even interest me. now, if you wanna have a chat about santana...i can go all night...and i have...sorry for that.

i guess i just lost my seat in the trivia night bowl.

i think i have been listening to too much baseball. i am now announcing my routine in my head as i prepare for work as if it was a METS at bat...."and she stops at her drawers, what is she gunna choose, will it be the red shirt? that one sometimes bunches up and has been giving her a problem, or will she go with the blue shirt. now that blue shirt has been worn 4 times out of the last 20 days, so that shirt has very high odds. looks like she made a decision....and it's...THE BLUE SHIRT! OHMYGOD SHE CHOOSE THE BLUE SHIRT!!! this one is sure to be a crowd, that was pretty intense!"

i need a life.

what's with women who carry victoria's secret pink shopping bags around with them everywhere? are we supposed to be impressed that you got 5 panties for $20 at some point? and if so, why must you keep informing the world? is this to illicit a sexual response? it actually elicits more of a gagging response in me.

umm even though you can't see my eyes behind my shades, i can see yours. stop staring.

there are people i would do anything for. there are people i would do anything for as long as it gets them to leave.

the difference is in the word.

look, i don't like heights. i am short. short people are used to being closer to the ground and when i am off the ground, i miss it. plus, short people have farther to fall when the roller coaster goes flying off the tracks.

i will not be blogging next week as i will be on a cruise. it's ok to be jealous. i am jealous of me too. minus the annoying problem of having to go shopping for summer clothing, which makes me want to grab my cozy sweaters and head to alaska - anyhoo.... an apology, and just because i think everyone needs to see this, may i present to you, for your viewing pleasure....(headphones people - there are f bombs...but mucho worth it)



MEYA said...

What will we do next Wednesday? Can't you prewrite one and have someone post if for you? Funny, funny stuff!

Anonymous said...

Don't think your irrational fear of heights and roller coasters is going to get you out of going on the rides with me at Disney.

Wonderful job (again) J Sums. I will miss next weeks blog.

Jocelyn said...

Hahaha. You know, I think your commentary for your shirt choice is lovely. You can follow me around and announce what I will do next!
Fuck land I'm on a boat mother fucker. Fuck trees I climb bouys mother fucker

Lauren DiGiacomo said...

So you discovered the "I'm on A Boat" video too, ey? You have to play that the entire time you are on your cruise! Where ya going?

What's the stupid thing you are doing in 17 days?

Spock is on Heroes, but he's kinda a loser there. Guess he's better in Star Trek!

Jocelyn said...

vague ass...hahhaa

Jocelyn said...

Oh yeah- i can't wait