The Art of Finding False Facts in Freeport (Texas)

i am never satisfied with toilet paper rolls.

celery is an underrated vegetable.

gentleman, if you cannot fit into your own seat, perhaps you should stand. and if you cannot fit it into your own pants, then your parents should be proud.

you did what with a raisin?

why do people find the need to use a sports teams performance to launch insults at me? i ain't playin' second base, nor am i paying the salary for the second baseman, so your perceived slams are almost irrelevant.

your words wound me to the core.

i called out of work pregnant today. i wonder how long i can ride that lie for.

can you microwave tin foil?

no, you cannot.

how much do microwaves cost these days anyway?

if no one saw you blow up the microwave, did it even happen?

there are days I feel like I live in a state of perpetual confusion.

there are days i wish i lived in the state of denial. do you think that's on a map?

i have trouble joining fan pages of people who start their own fan pages on facebook. i find it redundant.

perhaps we should think of renaming the states of new york and new jersey. does anyone even know where the old york and old jersey are?

someone told me that I "needed to grow a pair of balls". although, my understanding of basic biology is weak, i am under the impression that that's not how that works. maybe i'm wrong. and in which case, should i, as someone not currently in possession of said balls, really be trying to accomplish this feat?

depression is the ultimate display of egotism.

i find the more i try to get lost, the more people find me.

of course you need to fight for my attention. what, like it's free?

it is getting easier to sleep standing up, however i still maintain that sitting down is probably the way to go.

i don't chase shadows. i let them come to me.

i want a beer and a nap. i'm not sure in which order.

somehow using sex as a weapon sounds dangerous.

i was cornered on the street by someone who wanted money for "children.org." i stopped her mid-sales pitch and told her she lost me at children.org.

someone recently asked me why i thought he had trouble getting girls in his online gaming community.

sometimes the answer is in the question.

if i wanted to know how to play the board game, i would have asked. plus, i would probably actually be in the process of trying to play said board game.

it is hard to be your friend. especially when you wear a unitard.

my favorite eye candy is recess peanut butter cups.

i would like to have a pet, and name it peeve.

why wont that pesky sex tape rumor go away?

sometime people mature in reverse.

i learned a valuable lesson today. pregnancy jokes are not funny, especially if the person is actually pregnant (sorry lady on the 7 train)

I feel guilty using generic products.

i wish to be a parcheesi master.

wait, that has to do with cheese, right?