Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Art of Getting Too Old for this Shit

i was involved in a hit and run with a bee.

sometimes i hear people talking in the lunchroom, and i think it's amazing what people will talk about over tuna.

everything doesn't have to be about sex, everything is about sex.

there is some green shit in my pasta, and i ain't happy. and when mamma ain't happy, well, she's pretty damn crabby.

you can tell a lot about people by the way they behave on their birthday. for instance, there are some people who want everyone to know it's their birthday. they send out email reminder announcements, text you, call incessantly just to make sure you know it is their special day. and god forbid you don't call them in the morning to wish them a happy one - you might as well have stabbed them with a rusty fork.

i barely remember the date my sister was born, and i actually like her.

i barely remember the date i was born, and i'm me.

just because you don't want it to be true, doesn't mean it is.

breakfast is a terrible time to try to make small talk.

riding the subway is a lot like horseback riding. some people are very good at it, while others just bruise their balls.

i wish i knew another way to tell someone i'm not interested, other than to throw small utensils at their head.

i hate when my appliances try to get me drunk.

do you think it's real or fake?

the only people who like summer are people who don't actually have to commute to work. or work. or wear clothes.

make me my food. i'm hungry and i said no tomatoes.

i saw jesus yesterday, he was tipping 20%.

i hate tomatoes. hearing about all the ways you love to eat tomatoes will not make me suddenly love tomatoes. in fact, it makes me hate tomatoes a little bit more.

you should not wear a belly button ring if you are an outtie.

i wish to stab tomatoes in the face.

who brings people donuts besides evil, evil people?

i try to stand up for myself, but it's hard when i'm always falling down.

my new dentist asked if i was in any immediate pain. i said no, but i'm sure i will be.

this week in jenna theatre. the location, a charming bed and breakfast. the players, jenna and the innkeeper, ric. the scene takes place during a tour of the common area and the introduction of the fridge.
ric - and in here is the mini-fridge. we have soda, beer...please feel free to help yourself.
jenna - to the beer?
ric - sure, that's what it's there for.
jenna - i can just take the beer?
ric - yup, help yourself...
jenna - to the beer....?

happiness is getting something for nothing. maybe that's why crime pays so well.

and now, because it's my birthday, because it is as random as i am, i bring you...keyboard cat...

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
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Jocelyn said...

<3 key board cat.
I have to be one of those people who reminds you of my birthday because you would forget!
So you like tomatoes?

blackstocks said...

First and foremost...HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Now onto the blog. Once again a side splitter. I don't know how you think up some of this stuff.

From the first line you had me cracking up (lol at the bee). It only got better. Apparently you don't like tomatoes...who knew. I especially loved the bit about having trouble standing up for yourself when you are constantly falling down and your conversation with the dentist.

Finally, as always, I loved Jenna theater.

Don't ever stop writing...cannot wait until next Wednesday.

PunkRockRunner said...

Does Jocelyn get a heads up phone call before everyone else?

Love it! I guess that was a fork that went whizzing by my ear the other day. noted...

If a tomato was following you at a distance would you run back, step on it and tell it to catch up? Get it, ketchup? It's funny becuase you hate tomatoes.

Until next week.

Run2NY said...

classic, once again! Glad to be the inspiration behind the alcohol weilding appliances. But that is why I love my fride :) I also have furniture that can get you drunk - wine rack, desk and shelves, bless them :)

Anonymous said...

So...ummmmm, who in our life was the inspiration for birthday notification!!!!Can you say Birthday Month?
Want to come for a visit. I'm growing tomatoes?.....

Meya said...

This is very funny and keyboard cat is very random. Was there really free beer at the bed and breakfast? So, freakin' funny. It sounds like a sitcom: Jenna and the Innkeeper.
Sorry I have been behind reading this. I have had a very terrible couple of weeks.

Lauren said...

It's very sad you dislike tomatoes so much. I think you hurt tomatoes' feelings in this blog.

I will never know your real age. :)

That video is great!

Wussenwusstein said...

I think its fake.