Wednesday, August 5, 2009

The Art of Loosing Your Mind in Midtown Manhattan

all pain is treatable, come hell or highball's.

i find you small and impotent.

i'm pretty sure no one would ever describe me as hardcore.

on the train today a man stared at me for about 5 minutes. just as i was getting uncomfortable about it, he pulled out a bible and started mumbling passages to himself.

people, i am not the antichrist.

i have way better hair.

subway lesson from me to you. if all the subway cars are jammed, except one, there is usually a reason. avoid that car.

i'm not good at bathroom stall small talk.

it's not that i particularly like lying, i just wanna be good at everything i do.

today i got the weirdest compliment i have ever received.

oh no, lady, that sound's not annoying at all.

get out of my way, i'm a bad driver with no depth perception

i'm floating on cloud 9.

why is it always cloud 9? what's wrong with cloud 4? or cloud 8? what if there are only 7 clouds? or what if there are 15 clouds, and all the good shit is happening on cloud 15, but you'll never know because you're too busy being on cloud 9 thinking it's as good as it gets?

do you see what keeps me up at night?

the problem with taking baths instead of showers is i never know where the fuck to pee.

i used to love taking baths, until i had a babysitter tell me baths were gross and nothing more than sitting in your own slime.

childhood lost.

i am never on the right side of music.

this week in jenna theatre, at boston market.
boston lady - what kinda chicken you want?
me - i have a choice? what kind do you have?
boston lady - whole chicken or cut chicken?
me - oh, whole chicken
boston lady - we ain't got no whole chicken
me - ok...
boston lady - we only got cut chicken.
me - ....

sometimes i wonder why i bother at all.

i like to say 'morning' to people. i keep things neutral and let people make their own assumptions on the type of morning it is. who am i to judge?

nice legs. can you land planes with those suckers?

lady, i ain't no superman, i'm just super late for work.

pretty normal shit, pretty boring shit.

if my horoscope is true, then i'm fucked in september.

i would never question your intelligence, out loud.


you order will be processed in the order it was received.

it's all so very orderly.

order stems from chaos.

i'm pretty defensive, especially when i am not being accused of anything.

punctuation is like literary eye candy.

all i can picture is a candy-necklace made of eyes. ew.

there is a fine line between a functioning brain and....


Jocelyn said...

Nice alteration
I've wondered about cloud 9 too.
Did the boston lady really say that? what the hell?
i hate people who spray perfume!

Anonymous said...

Morning! I like that. I will now be neutral, or maybe I'll throw some Good your way.
The Boston Market lady was a cut up herself. LOL
Cloud 15 gave me a different perspective of Cloud 9. ummm.
Love your blog. Josie

blackstocks said...

Man this one was GOLDEN! I have not laughed this hard while at work in as long as I can remember. That whole Boston Market incident was priceless. Also your story about the religious guy on the train is way too funny. I can only imagine what he was doing lol.

Sam Frank said...

"the problem with taking baths instead of showers is i never know where the fuck to pee."

This needs to be a t-shirt. It needs to be a t-shirt yesterday.

Meya said...

Best one yet. And that is saying a lot since they have all been brilliant.

PunkRockRunner said...

You are NOT the Antichrist but you might be the Semi-Christ.

Wednesday is now my favorite day of the week (except when it's not)

Thanks, this is funny.

All the best,


Bask said...

Tennessee Freedoms for all, available on Cloud Thirteen.

Lauren DiGiacomo said...

I would describe you as hardcore.
I'm very defensive too..and punctuation is like eye candy! Ha, again like the wordplay!

Michelle said...

My goodness, I don't even know where to begin here so I will begin at the end:

There is a fine line between a functioning brain and....

I love that and it really makes me think. Sort of. There goes my less than functioning brain again!!!

Awesome post lady!

Nicole said...

did the bostn lady really say all that to you? what the hell. thats LAME!

i just love the akward blog- it makes me smile!