Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Art of Making Friends with Fellow Failures

a lot of babies have been mocking me lately.

working out at a nyc gym, is like working out at the playboy mansion.

i feel like a fucking hobbit.

something about watching a blimp makes me hungry.

you see that baby over there? mocking me.

in twenty words or less, describe your most recent insect encounter.

i'm not a political person per se, but i find it so confusing that people are so proud of their absolute unwillingness to help out another human being.

quote of the day! the dental hygienist who is about to take some x rays, looks me up and down and says, in a voice that is filled with soft-spoken confusion, "you're NOT pregnant?!?"

in related news, i will no longer be eating.

call it what it is, you're only in it for the money.

call a spade a spade. but if it's a hatchet, you have to call it a weapon of mass destruction.

disney, why are you trying to ruin my life?

i enjoy allusions, however i hate illusionists.

hate is a strong word, but i like it that way. i do not tolerate weak words.

this week in jenna theatre - at the famous mets baseball game - jenna has been trying to cut back on carbs, alex has been trying to help.
alex - would u like a seltzer?
jenna - how about a beer?
alex - it's not on you diet.
jenna - well, i'm thirsty.
alex - how about a seltzer?
jenna - how about a beer?
alex - how about a seltzer?
jenna - sure....if it tastes like beer...

this is also a lesson in futility.

hey universe, what did i do to you?

it is a popular misconception that women have better penmanship than men.

people constantly disappoint. even the disappointing ones.

why is it so fucking hot? no. seriously.

whenever i wear flip flops, it feels like everyone is staring at my feet.

i have eyes you know.

you do not want to know what i would do for a klondike bar.

it takes a lot of confidence for a clothing store to call their pants, "perfect fit," especially when they don't know me.

sometimes i worry that you are going to try to kill me.

i cannot help but try to fix broken souls.

i'm thinking about becoming a hells angel.

why are you laughing?

i know you're shy, but it never hurts to say hi.


Meya said...

Really freakin' hilarious! Babies and the Playboy mansion in one blog!

Meya said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Meya said...

Also, Jenna theatre is always amazingly funny. I want a list of what you would do for a beer not a Klondke bar.

Jocelyn said...

I didn't get the first comment. I am lost for the rest of the day. I can't believe that dental hygienist. What a biotch. Love you, and stitch and the blog

PunkRockRunner said...

I am shy but wanted to say "hi" and share this -

One year I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied "well, you still haven't used the gift i bought you last year."

Have an awesome week and I shall be back next week.


Lauren said...

Haha I like the beer conversation with Alex. Staying away from those delicious carbs is hard!

And I always try to fix broken souls, too. :)

Another great post! Had a little of everything-the laughter, the sadness, and most importantly, the awkward!

Wussburger said...

Per se, not per say. Jus sayin'.

Blackstocks said...

Awesome!! I was laughing out loud in my car...not that I was reading it while driving or anything.

I feel you on the Klondike...I would kill a man for one of those right about now.

You are the best. Keep writing!!

Michelle said...

I like strong words too!

And, I like you! Your awesome!

Bask said...

Nothing quenches thirst at New Shea like a Widmer Hefeweizen.

*This comment brought to you by Widmer Brothers, the makers of Widmer Hefeweizen.