Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The Art of Desperate Dining Decisions

i think my cats are using me for my money.

i pretend i don't hear indecent proposals.

sometimes love is blind.

and deaf.

window cleaning is yet another causality of the recession.

my building is surrounded by a cloud today. makes me feel like i'm in a star wars movie.

how is it that old ladies all smell exactly the same?

what company is out there making old lady perfume?

when doing the hokey pokey it is helpful if your shoes remain on and not flying at the head of the woman in the wheelchair.

some people are just meant to be alcoholics.

do i drink because i write or do i write because i drink?

at my friend’s wedding this weekend, we encountered an overzealous wedding planner. aside from the many odd and rude things she did, such as taking the mirror out of the bridal suite because she was afraid the girls would try to do their make-up, she also tried to run a very tight ship. when the bride’s family wanted to wait for the grandmother to arrive, the woman said, “no, i’m sorry, but come 3:30, this wedding is happening, whether she’s here or not. sorry grandma.”

the woman also coached me down the aisle by screaming at me, “walk slow, eyes ahead, walk slow, keep that chin up, smile, smile, smile!!!”

i was not aware i had entered a beauty pageant.

i love a hitchhiking horse.

i once rode a bike around for about an hour without realizing the kick stand was down.

it is amazing how many people stick their noses where they don't belong.

i have maybe picked my nose twice in the last year. guess how many times i've been caught by someone.

when asking for grant money, perhaps you should spell check your proposal?

just a thought.

my mind has shut off for the day. it's running on reserve.

some people can't wait to tell you bad news.

it's not a lack of self confidence, it's a lack of personal grooming.

i don't lie, i assist the truth.

i only wear mascara when it rains.

this week in jenna threatre, jenna and her friend are having a post lunch chat over IM.
buffyvslayer: ugh, i ate too much burger king.
i want to puke
jennaisawkward: oh no
buffyvslayer: if the guy fixing my kitchen wasn't here i would definitely be puking
but i don’t want him to hear me
jennaisawkward: right...
go outside
buffyvslayer: it's raining.
how do anorexics puke silently?
life's oldest mystery
jennaisawkward: wait, doesn't your bathroom have a fan?
buffyvslayer: i could go upstairs and puke in that bathroom
jennaisawkward: do it quietly, it's very easy to do, trust me, after many days of being hung
over at work, i have perfected the art.
buffyvslayer: i have tried---many times
so loud
jennaisawkward: you just have to relax
and focus on breathing
buffyvslayer: or i could just stop going to burger king
jennaisawkward: or that...

oh, and in other news, it still doesn’t work when you like a girl to insult her.

buying drinks usually has a much better result.

i always tell people to not take me so seriously and that they clearly don't get my sarcasm.

they clearly still don't.


MEYA said...

ha ha ha! Cat's ARE using you for your money. and I am using you for your blog! It makes me laugh. "Sorry, grandma?" That's hilarious - what a bitch.

PunkRockRunner said...

I would strongly suggest that you stop partying with old ladies in wheel chairs. Does this make you feel taller? Yup, I just said that.

The wedding planner sounds a lot like my prom date. Barking orders and telling me I'm doing things wrong. I think my prom date may have said "sorry grandma" too? Not sure...

Love is blind, deaf, rude, walks with a limp and I'm pretty sure it's suffering from Tourette Syndrome.....f#ck!!

Thanks for the giggles...

Jocelyn said...

hahhaa shhh don't tell anyone about the shoe incident!
Love you sister. i didn't know that the woman said that she would start the wedding without the grandmother! HOW RUDE!

Michelle said...

You assist the truth huh?

I dig that!!

Your awesome Jenna!!!

Anonymous said...

What a great line: "I always tell people to not take me so seriously and that they clearly don't get my sarcasm."

blackstocks said...

Wonderful job oh tiny one!

It sounds like you had a very interesting week.

This has to be one of my all time favorite lines: "i don't lie, i assist the truth."

I think I am going to make that my new motto in life :)

You rock!


Lauren said...

Love the quote about writing and drinking...they really go hand in hand!
I still don't always get your sarcasm.