Wednesday, December 2, 2009

The Art of Trying to Think on an Empty Stomach

my mind feels rusty.

perhaps it's broken, again.

people often make fun of me for my unnatural hatred of umbrellas. for me, it all boils down to the logistics.

people suddenly go into this zone where they have no concept of personal space.

it's like people with strollers.

i don't care that you have a kid. you having a kid does not take precedence over my shins.

the same is true with umbrellas. just because you want to be dry, doesn't mean i want to be poked in the eye with a metal rod.

in the bathroom at my doctors office there is a sign that says "please save urine sample."


your kid is still staring at me while asking for cheese. it is kind of freaking me out.

in the waiting room at my doctors office, the selection of magazines is typical, "fit pregnancy", "mom and baby", "cooking light", "diabetic living", "health", and then there's "handy man."

one of these things is not like the other.

and none of these things is like me.

but that’s what makes the money.

i’m surprised i haven’t been kicked out of more places.

i hate when there are really awesome commercials for really stupid products. seems like a waste of creativity.

why do appointment times mean nothing to doctors?

i have shit to do.

why is my doctor wearing a bluetooth?

isn’t there a running joke that all guys who wear bluetooths are assholes? i wonder how people came to that conclusion. it seems like a gross generalization. and generally speaking, i’m not a fan of generalization.

gross or otherwise.

you can always tell the new conductors from the old subway conductors. the new ones are all so helpful, "ladies and gentlemen, at this stop you can catch the r,w,q, you can catch the bus that will take you across town in style, and if you go two blocks down from here, there is a great pizza place!"

the old conductors say "get the fuck off the train.”

this week in jenna theatre, we present a montage, in honor of jenna's second marathon that she ran this past sunday. what follows is a collection of conversations that jenna has had over the past couple of weeks.

co-worker -wow you’re running another marathon? how far is this one?
jenna - 26.2, they're all the same.

co-worker 2
- how far is this marathon?
jenna - well, this one is crazy, this one is 26.2 miles!
co-worker 2 - can't you run a shorter one?
jenna - you know, i really can't.

friend – you’ve inspired me. i ran a marathon this morning.
jenna - really? you ran a marathon this morning. before work?
friend - yup
jenna - how long did it take you?
friend - about 30 minutes.
jenna - wow that's...reallly fast...and how far did you go?
friend - 3 miles!

orthopedic - well, you need to stay off your ankle for awhile.
jenna - so no running? is the marathon out?
orthopedic - well, you can run once the swelling goes down. maybe start with a little marathon first.

right then.

you may be right, i may be crazy.

but maybe crazy is just a little bit of fun?

it's taking me awhile to get into the swing of things, but i'll be back. give me time.

and beer. give me beer….

let's blow this joint and go drunk ice-skating!


Jocelyn said...

I too hate strollers!
Appointment times should be "suggested times" I've waited for hours as well for a 15 minute meeting with the Dr.
None runners are dumb when it comes to running things!
"Ain't no ting like a chicken wing!"

blackstocks said...

Thank god for the return! We all missed you last week tiny jenna...glad you are back...and in style!

Loved it this week. Your ran on umbrellas made coworkers check on me to see if I was ok. Nice.

Can't wait until next Wednesday!

PunkRockRunner said...

I rarely call bullshit on a lady BUT how short does the umbrella operator have to be to poke you in the eye?

I would like to think you would have mentioned that it was raining at the dwarf convention.

You're post has inspired me to start a "Save the Urine" campaign.

My sister was all into saving the whales and now I have a cause too!

Do they have dolphin safe urine?

Keep in mind that, if not for awesome commercials, my Pet Rock would not have a Snuggy.

Do you mean to tell me that I could have signed up for the 3-mile-marathon? Once the word gets out, the 5K is dead!

Save the Urine!


Anonymous said...

Magazines: "pregnancy",& "handy man" -- maybe they do go together.
Great blog - missed it - glad you're back. Time for me to old-subway-conductor the train. Thanks.

Lauren said...

I always think about that subway conductor thing...and I tend to laugh at the excited ones in my pessimism.
I love the marathon conversations, but admittedly I'm usually the one asking those dumb questions.
Drunk ice-skating sounds super fun!

BradyDale said...

Holy crap! I thought I was the only person surly enough to hate on people with strollers and umbrellas for these same reasons. I have to confess, I hate the stroller people more. Perhaps it comes of years of working in a children's department at a J.C. Penney's, but I feel like most parents get this attitude of "I can be in the way and go slow and be as much of a pain in the ass with no consideration for others because I am taking care of a helpless human!"
No you can't.
And no one forced you to take on that human.
I wouldn't care one bit if you'd never had it.
So hurry up. Or at least stay to one side of the sidewalk.


but, you're right... at least strollers don't threaten to rip out your eyes. Umbrellas are totally designed to rip out eyes.