Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Art of Acting Against the Grain

i feel depressingly optimistic.

i am a victim of joy today. i hope it will be gone by tomorrow.

sometimes tequila seems like the answer.

but you usually forget the question.

golf groupies, you say?

huh.

there's a fine line between bad ass and dumbass.

but in the end, you're still an ass.

at least you have an ass.

half the people i know are trying to lose their ass, while the other half is trying to get an ass.

the other few are dating an ass, while some are busy being an ass.

i hardly notice anyone's ass, but i always notice when someone's being an ass.

somethings the gym just can't fix.

maybe you should try to work on yourself.

i hate when people say, "i'm going to work on myself."

like you're some kind of robot that can be tinkered with in the shop.

i guess you could always outsource. it seems to work for everyone else.

forget a christmas tree, nothing says happy holidays like a christmas shed.

i need a disposable income.

or an income.

fun fact, you can fall off a stationary bike.

when in doubt, enjoy the chocolate.

champagne is an evil, snarky little drink, with such a cute name.

most people are not to be missed.

most people have a few screws missing.

most people feel like they missed the boat.

but what they fail to realize is that water transportation is highly unreliable. they would have done better to walk.

while i strive to be a happy person, i do enjoy a taste of a deliciously bad mood. there's something quite savory about being annoyed at everything.

it makes the mind work at a different speed.

i like to lay all my thoughts on the ground and roll around in them.

makes for an entertaining sunday afternoon.

nothing makes a hot subway ride go by faster than slow track signals and a screaming baby.

just another day.

this week in jenna theatre - jenna is going to a open air market in union square. as she is about to enter the market, a man approaches her, thinking it is a petition for something, jenna stops.
man - do you live in ny?
jenna - yes.
man - where do you get your hair cut? (looks away distracted)
jenna - uh my sister does it.
man – (looking around – laughing)
jenna – umm…ok…
man – how much does she charge?
jenna – well, nothing, it’s free.
man - you should cheat on your sister (laughs)
jenna - ummm
man – (singing under his breath)
jenna – i’m good, but thanks.
man - no really. i mean, you can go to a top salon, that’s why we’re out here.
jenna – i’m ok. i don’t need all that.
man – no! listen (laughs) you can get a 100 haircut, a facial, an eyebrow wax, for nothing next to nothing! it’s ridiculous. you'll definitely want to do this.
jenna - uh no thanks, i'm really poor and my sister does my hair and...
man - (looking away) free obama condom for when things get hard
jenna - what?
man – it’s only 60 bucks.
jenna – you want me to buy a 60 dollar obama condom?
man – haha, no i was kidding. 60 for the haircut, the facial, the waxing, the massage, i mean, come on!
jenna - umm i'm really poor and i have to go now, but thanks…
man – how much would you pay?
jenna – umm, for a haircut? nothing, my hair cuts are FREE.
man – bitch.

ahh, nothing in the world quite puts you in the christmas spirit like a few hours in new york city.

8 comments:

blackstocks said...

Sooo happy this is back! Congrats on being the proud owner of your very own domain. artofawkward.com is going into my quick links.

Really great job this week. Your line about outsourcing self improvement almost made me pee.

And the Christmas shed is classic! I don't know why those are always next to the Christmas trees...poor sheds, everyone walks by them for a stupid tree.

Did the dude really call you a bitch? Harsh. You should have punched him...possibly in the tooth.

Jocelyn said...

I'm working on my self...trying to make my ass smaller :)
How did you fall of a stationary bike? Actually, I've done that before.
I'm going to name my first born Champagne, after you

DON'T ever cheat on me! :)

PunkRockRunner said...

Yes Jenna, there are Golf Groupies and the jokes just write themselves. Of course, I am now concerned that the joke writers will lose their edge because they don't have to "work" for it anymore.

You're use of the word "ass" is an insult to Donkeys & Mules everywhere. I think?

Snarky –adjective.Chiefly British Slang. testy or irritable; short.

"most people are not to be missed" is on a bumper sticker on my neighbors car. He's a sniper.

Merry F*cking Christmas.

Punky

Anonymous said...

Glad you are here again and the world is back to being artfully awkward. Always love the twists, turns and the unexpected you deliver. I missed it. Maybe it was away working on itself – say, for $60 (the world that is).
Everything goes faster with a screaming baby not just subway rides - car rides, plane rides, etc. Especially if they sit next to or behind you.

Anonymous said...

This blog was assinine! Loved it. So clever and funny. I think I will outsource my selfimprovement. I'm sure India has a better version of me. And I feel better now about missing the boat. Who knew. Josie

Nicole said...

are you kidding me? that guy really said that? what a dick! i cant beleive he called you a bitch- i would have slapped him! grrrrrrrrrrr


i love reading your stuff your hilarious!!!

MEYA said...

Hee hee hee hee hee hee...so many funny things. Christmas shed made me laugh our loud. Ah, and yes, that snarky little drink. Very funny.

Southbay Girl said...

you lost me at chocolate! That seems to be happening alot to me right now....

I look forward to hearing about your escapades in NC!

Happy Holidays and safe travels!!