Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The Art of Eating Eel off Easy Street

i feel like i was hit by a bus.

or at the very least, one of those taxi vans.

what should you do if you think your friend bought a one-way ticket on the STD train?

after watching, romeo and juliet the ballet, i had several questions rolling around in my head.

the question that bugged me the most, however, was what the fuck is the friar doing with fucking poison that makes you look like you're dead?

seriously. why would a friar ever have the need for such a specific poison, much less just have it lying around his crib?

seems mighty sketchy to me. i think i smell a prequel...

sometimes going to the gym makes me realize 6-packs have been given to unworthy people.

days like today, i'd like nothing more than to go home and curl up with a good vodka.

i've been trying to cut back on the socially drinking thing, but now i have nothing to blame the social awkwardness on.

i'm way witty when whiskey is involved.

is anything ever that easy?

i've often found that if it's easy come, it's never easy go.

when someone tells you to take it easy in an argument or confrontation, why does it provoke the opposite reaction?

ask a dyslexic if it really is as easy as a, b, c.

that’s easy for you to say. well, technically, with very few exceptions, it’s easy for everyone to say. it’s just not easy for everyone to mean it.

easy does usually do it, unless you're trying to break down a door. then easy is completely useless.

while i have met plenty of people who are easy on the eyes, i've also met some people who were hard on the eyes. seems counter-intuitive.

that’s not an easy word to spell.

you don't have to let me off easy, i know i'm hard to handle.

it’s so easy it’s like a cake walk.

seems to me, a cake walk would be a rather difficult thing.

like what shoes does one wear to walk on a cake?

does one have to have a specific cake in mind, or can you just troll the neighborhood looking for a 6 year old's birthday party.

do you eat the cake afterwards?

seems like a waste of perfectly good cake to me.

mmm cake.

this week in jenna theatre, while jenna is on her way to a run in central park. due to construction, the subways are all running on different schedules. double checking what she thinks to be the correct path, she asks the toll both attendant for assistance.
jenna – just checking are all trains stopping at 72nd street?
attendant – train is making express stops
jenna – does that include 72nd street?
attendant – what?
jenna – 72nd street!
attendant – come through the turnstile, i can’t hear you.
(jenna goes through)
attendant – you know you have to pay to get back through.
jenna – then why did you call me over here?
attendant – i couldn’t hear you over the train.
jenna – train?
attendant – train….(points)
jenna – (train comes…and leaves while jenna tries to get her card to magically swipe, an annoying feature in unlimited metro cards)
attendant – that’s the train you needed.

i guess that’s what i get for taking the easy way out.


blackstocks said...

Hahaha! Great job!

"he question that bugged me the most, however, was what the fuck is the friar doing with fucking poison that makes you look like you're dead?"

I think your idea for a prequel explaining the Friars' sketchiness is genius!

Thank you for the great laughs

Jocelyn said...

One way ticket on the STD train? I hope this is not your way to tell me you have an STD.
I have a poison that makes me look like I'm dead too. I love it. Use it at parties all the time.
ask a dyslexic if it really is as easy as a, b, c....I like that. A lot!
I know want cake

PunkRockRunner said...

Poison in the hands of the clergy, vodka, whiskey, cake and turnstiles? Individually good topics but together? The perfect storm. Oh, and also the subject of most of my tattoos....

We have a kid in our neighborhood who is dyslexic but the only time I notice it is on Halloween. Kinda hard not to chuckle when a kid rings the doorbell and, while dressed up as a pirate, says "Trick -or- Trout". Cute little kid...

I'll let you go now. Sounds like you might need a shot of penicillin.

Take care,

Anonymous said...

As usual, these are great. Thanks for the laughs.

Lauren said...

Romeo and Juliet--the friar is also a botanist. Or an apothecary. Lol I guess it still doesn't answer the question though. Good one!
Haha cake walk-nice word play as usual!
Jenna Theatre remains my favorite.

Anne said...

This is my first visit...very clever! Made me smile out loud :)

Michelle said...

You had me at cake. Think about it. Calk walk. VFF CAKE WALK!!! See where I'm going with this?? Because, I don't. I have no clue what I mean. I'm just saying if you get a pair of VFF's that you never used, you can then walk on a cake and eat the cake afterwards. Less waste that way IHMO. Ooops I got dyslexic there.

Anyway, the train does stop at 72nd street. I'm just saying!!!

Michelle said...


Samantha said...

That incident is the perfect summary of the MTA.

MEYA said...

Too many things to mention but seriously one of the best awkwards ever! So, clever, funny and true.

I have to go read it again now.