Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The Art of Swearing Off Swear Words

can someone be a beer connoisseur if they are only passionate about coors light?

there are some people who inspire me to learn boxing.

sometimes i just don't know.

i mean, do you know?

how do you know you know? i certainly don't know.

if knowing is half the battle, what the fuck is the other half?

is that other half harder than the knowing part?

if you don't know can you really go to battle?

and if knowledge is power, than why am i not winning this fucking battle?

if it really becomes a battle to the death, wouldn't it be easier to simply say you don't know?

the more you know.

nothing happened. i just feel this way.

which, is sometimes easier to swallow than my cooking.

not to say i'm a bad cook, but i don't believe in following recipes.

i also might be allergic to fish.

even saying the word fish makes me itchy.

i wonder how many people actually have allergies.

i'm probably not allergic to fish, i just don't really like it and people keep trying to make me eat it and the only way to get out of eating things you don't like is to say you're allergic.

you can't argue a swollen face.

or vomiting for that matter.

sometimes i feel really chatty.

this has been one of those times.

it just passed. i'll probably not feel like talking for another couple of hours.

sometimes at work i try to see how long i can go without having an actual conversation. so far, so good.

but it gets tricky when your boss gets thrown into the mix.

sometimes things don’t need to be explained.

when it comes to me, i find that rule to be particularly relevant.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is trying to get her bag back from the bouncer at a bar she had just left about 20 minutes before. halfway downtown, she realized her entire life was sitting under the bar stool and she ran 5 blocks in the freezing cold to claim her stuff.
bouncer - ID
jenna - i was just here, i need to get my bag.
bouncer - ID to get into the bar.
jenna - ok. got that but my it's in my bag. that's right there. under the table. i see it.
bouncer - that's your bag?
jenna - yeah.
bouncer - are you drinking?
jenna - i don't want to drink, i want to go home. preferably with my bag that's under that table.
bouncer - i found that bag. so i put it on a chair so i could watch it.
jenna - ok. thank you so much.
bouncer - people will take things you know.
jenna - yeah. i'm so lucky. thank you so so so much.
bouncer - it's pretty irresponsible for you to leave your bag.
jenna - umm yeah, it was an accident.
bouncer - be happy i'm a nice guy. this is new york city. people would just steal your bag.
jenna - ok. i'm gonna get my bag.
bouncer - just be more responsible, if you were my daughter…..
jenna - ok, well, thanks, bye.

everyone is a critic.


blackstocks said...

Hooray! Its nice to see that AOA is back in full swing in the new year. Already looking forward to next weeks!

Some favorites form this week:
"if knowing is half the battle, what the fuck is the other half?"

"i'm probably not allergic to fish, i just don't really like it and people keep trying to make me eat it and the only way to get out of eating things you don't like is to say you're allergic."

I used to tell people I was allergic to fish all the time. I am not, in anyway.

You rock!


Jocelyn said...

fish. hehehe
I am allergic to a bunch of food that task nasty.
Is that bouncer single?
Good blog sister!

PunkRockRunner said...

I grew up in Colorado and Coors Light does not count as real beer. In fact, many college athletes would only buy it as urine substitute on the days they were to be drug tested. I think it was on Mondays....

I thought knowing knowledge was half the battle. Yup, Jimmy Knowledge was the smartest kid in class and would do your homework for a buck. Therefore, "knowing Knowledge" was actually all the battle. Except on test day, then you were screwed.

I prefer arguing with someone who is vomiting. It means I'm winning.

If you were my daughter? If he was such a good father, why is he letting his daughter go to bars in the first place? Kinda hypocritical if you as me.

Fun stuff, but you already know that.



Run2NY said...

Am glad to be back and reading your blog. It makes me laugh.

MEYA said...

A-HA! I KNEW you weren't allergic to fish! The whole section on 'knowing' was very entertaining - much more so than that stupid Nick Cage movie.

Michelle said...

So you left your bag at the bar last night? Or did you just dig the bouncer and wanted to have a convo with him so you would have something to write in your Awkward Blog?

Im just sayin!!!!

Love you FRL!!!

Anonymous said...

I once left my purse hanging on the back of a public bathroom stall. I don't think my feet touched the ground running back to retrieve it.
Your blog is so fun to read. I look forward to every Wed. Josie

Lauren said...

I have those days where I don't want to conversate with ANYONE.
That guy with the bag..I swear people use the "this is New York City" line way too often.