Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Art of Falling Face First

i’m not a fan of being chased.

i'm not deep, i'm sea-level.

well, most of the time anyway.

i'm not sure it's a fear of heights, as much as a fear of distortion.

in all my years, i've grown quite used to the earth looking a certain way.

no need to change that now.

did you know there is a difference between broil and boil?

i'm suffering from hips-don't-lie syndrome.

i dreamt i was in paris, which was a vast improvement over the r train.

i have to go to the dentist today. i hate knowing i'm going to have to lie to someone later.

oh come on, who has time to floss twice a day?

when i first moved to brooklyn, ny i had a car that was filled with my clothes that i was slowly moving into my new apartment. i woke up early one morning for brunch and went outside to find my car had been broken into. my clothes were strewn all over the sidewalk, but none were taken, which completely offended me. what was taken was a case of seltzer and an open can of mixed nuts lightly salted. they also organized all of my sunglasses on the front seat and my glove compartment, which was nice of them. the police seemed confused.

guess i gotta take one for the team.

i hate that expression.

what fucking team?

i was never picked for any team.

have i been placed on this team without my knowledge?

was i picked last for this team?

do we have a uniform that i need to buy or will shirts be provided at a later date?

i was only aware of being on my own team. a team of me.

you shouldn't bring me up on a first date.

me first.

first come, first served. even if you’re not wearing shoes or a shirt.

first things first. of course, first things first. if they weren’t supposed to be first, then they wouldn’t be the first things. they would be the second things.

i hate when people say, first of all, but neglect to follow up with a second or third. if there is only one of all, then there is only all.

being first born just means you always get older first.

first comes love, then comes marriage, but let’s stop that right now, shall we?

if at first you don’t succeed, quit that nonsense. seriously. persistence is for the birds.

first place is just last place backwards.

who’s on first? who cares? bring me a beer.

baby’s first steps? who cares? talk to me when baby becomes an astrophysicist. now that shit is impressive.

this week in jenna theatre – jenna is at the elevator to go up to the dentist. a man starts to make small talk with jenna.
man – what floor?
jenna – 16th
man – i think that’s the dentist’s floor
jenna – yup
man – oh i hate the dentist.
jenna – me too, terrified.
man – that’s why i haven’t been in 12 years.
jenna – woa
man – yup. you won’t catch me at the dentist ever.
jenna – 12 years, that’s rough
man – well, when i was there they told me i needed to have two teeth removed and that i had some cavities that they would need to fill. i said hell no, and ran outta there.
jenna – umm….that seems kind of serious…no?
man – naa, can’t be true…it’s all a ploy for the government to get my money
jenna – oh…ok…(16th floor, jenna steps off) uh, good luck with that i guess?

there’s something to be said for making a good first impression.

that would not be it.


Jocelyn said...

Hips don't lie syndrome...hahhaah. I think you were most made about the seltzer getting stolen!
"i hate when people say, first of all, but neglect to follow up with a second or third. if there is only one of all, then there is only all." Hahaha yes! I agree.
I think that guy is confused about where the money goes when you see the dentist!
Great one sister

PunkRockRunner said...

First of all, nice post.

I was once picked for a team but this team required me to wear a hairnet and dress up as a giant rodent for birthday parties.

I fear that you set the bar too high. Not so high that you can't reach your drink but too high for babies. I Googled "infant astrophysicist" and found that there are none.

Is it always remember or never forget?

I thought it was first impressions last. That's why I'm in no hurry to impress. This also explains all my marathon finish photos.

Lastly, good post.

Chance Picasso

KBam said...

You were picked for MY team! But sadly uniforms are separate from the registration fee. Unless Blondies lets us sell out to them - name ourselves after them in exchange for t-shirts. Keep your fingers crossed. Forever.

Love the post.

Anonymous said...

So many really good threads going through your stuff. Seriously. I love your writing.

Anonymous said...

"I'm not deep, I'm sea level"..Lol
Great Post....
I think you are entitled to a uniform if you are taking one for the team. Josie

Lauren said...

Nice word play! And the dentist somewhat terrifies me too.