Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Art of Making Change With Your Teeth

the problem with taking pictures of dead guys is they never smile.

sometimes i like to think of all the things i could be doing with my life.

then i take a nap.

napping is boring.

unless you have something to do that you don’t want to be doing, then napping seems like the perfect diversion.

it’s not my fault i’m so damn efficient.

if i were an apartment, i’d be an efficiency.

i’m like an energy star appliance.

have i beat this horse to death?

or wait, it’s like beating a dead horse.

what if the horse was just sleeping?

i don’t think we should be endorsing the beating of animals in any way, and shape, or any form.

even if they are already dead.

i know i would not want to be beaten in a post-living state.

even if it’s all just a state of mind.

my mind is not fully functional in this state.

my mind is not fully functional in any state, except maybe new york.

someone told me they were moving to the lovely state of boston.

i asked what boston’s state quarter looked like.

apparently, it’s a very elusive quarter…

i’m in perpetual motion.

i stop on a dime.

i will also stop on two nickels, ten pennies, a nickel and five pennies, and i’ll give you change for a quarter, but only if it’s not laundry day.

and only if it’s not a boston quarter.

those things are collectible items.

i wish i understood if people were joking sometimes.

this week, in jenna theatre, jenna is trying to get on the subway after finishing a long day of work. she barely slides inside as the door closes, satisfied with her achievement, she smiles and grabs a seat and closes her eyes for a quick nap, but the man begins to speak.
man – hi
(jenna sighs, says a curt hello then tries to resume her nap)
man – has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are?
jenna – all the time.
man – i’ll bet.
man – you have a beautiful smile.
jenna – thanks.
man – i noticed you were smiling at me.
jenna – uh…not really, i was just happy to make the train.
man – where do you go to school?
jenna – i don’t
man – you don’t! you drop out?
jenna – no, i finished.
man – you did! you look like a baby.
jenna – thanks
man – i’ll take care of you, i’m a good guy.
jenna – i’m good.
man – let me see your driver’s license.
jenna – dude…
man – i want proof of how old you are.
jenna – is there like, a sign on me that says talk to me?
man – what?
jenna – nothing! this is my stop.
man – wait, i’ll give you my number,
jenna – what for?
man – so you can call me.
jenna – yeah, i’m good…and you’re a little creepy, dude.
(jenna gets off the subway car and walks into the next one to continue her ride home. after sitting down the elderly woman next to her taps her with her cane and says hello)

in this life we are surrounded by things we can’t change.

sometimes people ask me why i respond to people at all.

the way i see it, you can fight the good fight, but in the end, you’ll still end up next to an old lady, who just wants to chat.


blackstocks said...

Awesome post! Nothing like a few good belly laughs to shorten the work day.

"i know i would not want to be beaten in a post-living state."

One of my favorites. And also, thanks for leaving us on a cliff hanger...I wanted to know what the old lady said!

PunkRockRunner said...

Don't think the dead can smile? You've seen my finish-line photos right?

Remind me never to introduce you to my horse. I wonder, if all horses looked like ponies then we may have never heard the phrase "beating a dead horse" because no one in their right mind would "beat a dead pony". Right?

Another awkward Wednesday :-)

Good day,


Jocelyn said...

Napping is never boring! hehehe I love Boston state....
Everyone one subways loves you.
great post sister! I love it, so funny!

Lauren said...

Honestly, you really do that have that quality where people love to randomly speak to you. I've witnessed it so many times! Another great blog post lady! As usual, Jenna Theater is my fave!

Douglas Welch said...

Nice! Stellar post as always. Shit happens to me all the time! I'm a big, scary looking guy too. But, it's like I carry a sign around my neck that says "Hey! I'm REALLY a nice guy. Please chat me up!" I'm not. But somehow even my iPod doesn't discourage the chatty. Ugh. I feel your pain!

GoJo said...

Clever post. Love how one thought conjures up another. My favorite is the section starting...."I stop on a dime....I will also stop on two nickels etc......." very funny.

Made my day.

Run2NY said...

Ha ha ha! You have some sort of crazy people magnet that attracts some weird arse people. Or is that just the subway in NY? Full of lonely crazed people? Maybe its the poor man's answer to internet dating? I bet the old lady was nice and you somehow reminded her of her grand daughter or something... much better than creepy tell-me-I-look-like-a-teenager-then-ask-me-for-my-number guy