Wednesday, April 14, 2010

The Art of Playing Ping Pong with Peacocks

plain and simple.

simply plain.

you’re simply the best, but only if you’re the only one in a room.

then you’re simply there.

nothing is ever quite that simple, especially when trying to cook chicken.

so simple, even a child could do it, if that child was, in fact, all mensa and shit.

geico has ruined cavemen for me.

simple simon.

remember that geico cavemen tv show they tried to have?

simple, simon says.

life is deceptively simple. it’s people that fuck it all up.

that’s where beer comes in, which can also fuck it all up too.

it’s a fine, fine line.

i find fine lines are the best ones to tightrope across.

less mess, more stress.

a prospect that’s simply irresistible.

nothing is what it seems when you forget to take off those 3-D glasses after the movie.

it doesn’t matter what i say, you’re not listening to me anyway.

my patience is paper thin.

not construction paper thin, but like, rice paper thin.

nothing makes me happier than when someone falls off their horse.

i’m not picky about the height.

at least pretend to be working.

sometimes i think you’d look better with a fork sticking out of your head.

one would think i had anger management issues.

on the contrary, i manage my anger very well.

otherwise, there’d be a lot more cutlery incidents.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is talking to a friend, who we’ll call joan. joan is telling jenna all about her new diet.
joan – sooo, i finally did it! i’m eating vegan and raw now.
jenna – vegan and raw? wow, that’s pretty intense, but hey, congrats.
joan – well, i really needed to lose weight and i felt bad for the animals and they say that following a vegan diet is a great way to be healthy and that gwyneth paltrow does raw and she is super skinny, so i’ve been doing it for about a week now.
jenna – how much weight have you lost?
joan – none yet, but it’s been super easy.
jenna – easy? really? i would imagine it would be kind of a challenging to do.
joan – not at all. this morning i had a turkey sausage omelet with raw onions.
jenna – umm…isn’t that like, the opposite of vegan?
joan – what do you mean? i’m not eating any animals.
jenna – well, the sausage…
joan – it’s turkey, turkey’s a bird.
jenna – well, if i remember correctly from my vegetarian days, i don’t think there is that much of distinction. and then there’s the eggs…
joan – i can’t eat eggs?
jenna – they come from chickens. and then everything was cooked…
joan – except the onion was raw
jenna – ahh, right, but i’m not entirely sure that negates everything else.
joan – really?
jenna – i think so.
joan – well, shit.
jenna – indeed.

and sometimes it really is, all that simple.


blackstocks said...

Oh man!

One of the best Jenna theatres ever!! Have I met joan?? Awesome.

Really nice job this week. I loved the simple theme throughout :)

"one would think i had anger management issues.

on the contrary, i manage my anger very well.

otherwise, there’d be a lot more cutlery incidents."

Thank god your your anger management abilities!! Lol!!

Jocelyn said...

This post simple rocks! :) Rice paper this is pretty dang thin!
So close to being a raw vegan...hahaha minute the eggs, turkey and skillet! Great job sister

PunkRockRunner said...

Dear Miss Jenna,

Chicken is so easy to cook, even a child can do it. I'm assuming that Child is Julia?

Sometimes all it takes to be the smartest person in Jenna's Theater is make sure the other person is a real dumb ass. I'm sorry BUT there is no way anyone is that "off". I can only draw one conclusion - She WANTED you to stab her in the head with a fork.....

Speaking of forks. You should post a sign outside your office/apartment that says "Hardhat Area". It could save a life. It may ruin a fork, but save a life.


Arson Monet...

BradyDale said...

What is so hard to understand about being vegetarian? Really? Why do people have such a hard time with this concept? Did everyone fail 5th grade bio except me?
I declare.
it's too much.

Michelle said...

This post was so simple it got complicated.

Raw vegan!!! BLERGH!!!!

Love you FRL!!!

Erika Beth, the Messy Chef said...

Please tell me Joan is your imaginary friend.

GoJo said...

Very simply put, but very deep. Could Joan be a simpleton?
A fork in the road will never be the same to me. I will always wonder....Was there an altercation here?
Another great one.

Anonymous said...

I especially liked the line about rice paper thin patience. I identify with it totally.

Lauren said...

Great wordplay, lady!
And I have trouble pretending I'm working all the time.
And that girl you were talking to...oh boy! lol