Wednesday, July 7, 2010

The Art of the Self Somethings

sleeping pills give me nightmares.

not being able to sleep gives me waking nightmares.

both options are annoying and end with nightmares.

i’d say sleep is overrated, but insomnia has only a few fringe benefits.

like finally knowing all the different kinds of bugs that exist in the kitchen.

i guess that one isn’t as fun as it sounds.

i like the expression putting out fires.

unless you're an actual fireman, are you really qualified to say that?

sorry for not returning your call, i had some fires to put out. stan in accounting is a total pyro.

i got flustered when i was making a reservation at benihana and they asked if we were celebrating a special occasion. i said yes. they asked what it was. i said deportation.

it was the first thing that came to mind.

apparently they don’t celebrate that there.

when do people have time to do graffiti?


it seems like someone must always be around.

i feel guilty most of the time.

even when i dream.

it's self-sabotage at its most subtle.

those with the best intentions can be off putting sometimes.

give me a person with some bad intentions any day. at least i know what i’m getting myself into.

i hate when i'm in situations where i can't cross my legs.

i've been known to bang up my knee by repeatedly attempting the action.

self-destruction at its finest.

a girl got on the subway today dressed very seventeen magazine style with a hospital bracelet on.

is this something new i don’t know about?

i remember a time when i had central air conditioning.

those were good times.

when i was your age...we had central air and heat!

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is at a self checkout station at cvs pharmacy. the machine charges her twice for something (ok, maybe jenna accidentally scanned it twice, but that is neither here nor there) jenna calls over an employee for help.
jenna – hi, this scanned twice…
employee (name tag said bob) – oh. ok.
jenna – i’m only getting one.
bob– oh, i see, well you scanned it twice, see (points to the screen) it’s on the screen two times (holds up two fingers)
jenna – right, got that, but, i only am getting one (holds up one finger)
bob – well you can go get another
jenna – but i only want one
bob – but you scanned it twice.
guy in line - come on buddy, what’s the problem? take the damn thing off already
bob – you can go get another one now
jenna – i don’t want another one, i only want one! that’s why i only got one
bob – oh, so you just want me to take this off?
jenna – yes. please.
bob – ok. next time try to only scan as many as you have.
jenna – yeah, thanks, i’ll try to remember…

normally i like being self-sufficient.

but it usually turns self-destructive in the blink of an eye.

oh well, as they say, try not to count your chickens before the water rolls off their backs.


Jocelyn said...

Putting fires out. Damn Stan! I always wear my hospitable bracelet around. Great blog sister!! :)

PunkRockRunner said...

I was trying to figure out exactly what situation would create a scenario where one could not cross their legs, then I remembered that I have a pair of jeans like that too.

Hospital bracelets? That is soooo East Coast. We're all about the toe-tag in California.

I've gotta ask, which finger did you employ to indicate "one" item to the young man at the grocery store?

Awkward is the new Awesome.


Blackstock said...

"i got flustered when i was making a reservation at benihana and they asked if we were celebrating a special occasion. i said yes. they asked what it was. i said deportation."

Potentially one of the funniest things I have ever read. I would have loved to see their face!

MEYA said...

Awesome and funny as hell. Oh, and also very awkward.

Erika Beth, the Messy Chef said...

Hmmm...interesting. I have nightmares about the self checkout lane.

Michelle said...

I am the main graffiti artist in the NYC metro area. If you need me to graffiti something, I can give you my business card. Just saying.

Your so awkward and that makes you so cool!!!!

I don't eat chickens with water on their backs.

Run2NY said...

Love being awkward! The self checkout can sometimes take as long as going through a normal one... even with the lady in front with two trolley loads of stuff!

Lisa said...

I hate not being able to cross my legs too! Like those seats on the MTA buses and air planes that are too close together. Grr!

Thanks for some laughs this morning!

Marathon Maritza said...

Sorry you had to find out the hard way why that guy works at a CVS, for crying out loud.

Good luck in Chi!

Lauren said...

When DO people have time to do graffiti?