The Art of There, They're, Their...

...and the people who give a fuck.

today for the first time in my life, a random stranger tried to sell me drugs. i felt so honored that i didn't want to say no.

today for the first time in my life, i sold drugs to kids at a playground.

that was a bad joke. it was at the zoo.

knock knock.
who's there?
poop.
poop who?

that was a good joke.

i was confronted by a squirrel.

anything with thumb holes is amazing.

i don't care what ethnicity you are, it is not ok to use the ATM mirror to pop your zits.

i saw a man parallel park his car into a tree.

i found this man's situation ironic as he had a "women belong in the kitchen" bumper sticker on the back of his car. really? the kitchen? and your car? does it belong in a tree?

there aren't enough pigs with capes.

there is something quite sexy about a man with a little bit of scruff. there is, however nothing attractive about a man with a chin strap. unless you're rich as shit. then pretty much anything is ok.

i want to break into a pet store and go on a snake punching rampage.

when i am angry i like to shout out random hate crimes.

i have always wanted to taste hope. it tastes like chalk.

i always have to worry about what the top of my head looks like.

suck my toe.

it is quite different to be in a relationship with someone who wants to be there and someone who does not. if you're asking yourself which one you're in, then there is your answer. if you're crying, then maybe the reason no one wants to be with you is because you cry all the time. just an outside opinion.

i saw jesus in canada. he was in a parade.

i've been trying to be more honest with people and to tell them when they do something that upsets me. i've not been doing a very good job. so, here goes nothing...you have upset me.

dogs are man's best friend. until they pee on the carpet.

i'm sorry about before. it was a joke. i'm not mad. let's be friends again? i'll buy you a snake!

i finally was invited to my first seder. i was forced to drink wine and sing passover themed show tunes. jewish people rock!

try to think, for one minute, about someone other than yourself.

there are those who deal in guilt and they win the house every time.

you are aware that it's just a game, right?

fucking extreme home makeover.

i've never had "penis envy" but i do wonder what it would be like to write my name with pee in the snow.

never joke about giraffes.

apparently the "cookie diet" is specific cookies that you eat, not milano's, like previously believed.

i am not satan. i just think screaming babies on a plane sucks. and i only threatened to flush one kid down the tiny toilet. and i was joking. kind of. although the mother took me rather seriously...

it's hard to ignore people when they aren't talking to you in the first place.

why would i want an overweight, ass ugly personal trainer?

i understand you like to have conversations with yourself, but could you and yourself please take it outside, some of us are trying to work.

i don't believe in alphabetical order.

the thing i don't get about identity theft is, how can you be so sure that what you get will be any better than what you had?

it's weird to finish last, when you weren't even aware you were racing.

i like to see how long it takes people to realize their fly is down. i suppose i could tell them, but that takes away the sport in it all.

let's start a subway dodge ball league.

i saw your face, now i'm a believer.

when i am explaining a story to someone and i am excited about something, my voice tends to get a bit too loud. this just happened five minutes ago in my office. i shouted "penis." i am not sure how i still have this job.

so nice ya said it twice...you know you wanna follow me...do it...