Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The Art of Simple Service Center Debates

i hate when people only offer advice after it’s too late.


i'm going to start offering unsolicited random advice and not offer any explanation.

always turn left.

are you really that bitter, or are you just jealous?

i am a mighty crab.

apparently, i lack good communication skills. i find this surprising as i'm pretty sure i communicate well enough to let people know to back the fuck off.

i usually achieve this by saying to them, back the fuck off.

there is an art to simplicity.

i had my hand out waiting for my ticket to dispense at the train station and someone handed me a quarter.

i would like a dollar please…maybe even one of those nifty 50s.

i like to follow the rules, but i will cross against the street against a do not walk sign with no remorse.

i find wind advisories unnecessary.

wind is kind of hard not to notice.

especially when it’s blowing.

it’s not my fault i do it better.

you say i'm competitive like it's a bad thing.

sometimes you win, sometimes the vodka wins. it's a risk i'm willing to take.

cell phones are designed for exhibitionists.

don't drink and type. you'll spend hours trying to figure out what the hell you wrote.

not that that has ever happened to me…

usually i’m utterly useless, but today i have reached new heights.

this calls for a celebration. but i’m not in the mood to plan anything, so you’ll have to set it up.

why is it when you tell people you have allergies, it always relates back to them and their allergies? or their friends allergies? or their cats allergies?

these are the same people who find ways to relate everything to a seinfeld episode. if i didn’t watch the episodes when they were on, why on earth would i want you to reenact them for me now?

a disappointing lunch can ruin your day.

consider my day ruined.

i’m getting sick of all these grain breads; we got 3 grain, 5 grain, 8 grain, 150 grain.

i hate all this bread-guilt.

it's not that I have a problem with being wrong; it's that i'm never wrong.

don’t have a fiber overdose on a road trip.

i can now say i have heard a grown man in a suit order a woo woo with a straight face.

this week in jenna theatre, while jenna is a the mets game waiting in line to buy a beer, some kids begin to try to talk to her after she cheers on a hit.
kid 1 – about time huh?
jenna – yeah. better late then never!
kid 2 – you look really familiar.
jenna – oh?
kid 2 – i think i know you. do you live in queens?
jenna – yea.
kid 2 – i thought so. i think you live near me.
jenna – huh, small world. (tries to go back to watching the game)
kid 1 – i love baseball. hot girls don’t normally like baseball. it’s pretty cool.
jenna – um well, uh…they’re missing out…
kid 2 – yeah girls at our school are pretty lame
kid 1 – can i get your number?
jenna – haha, i think i’m a little bit older than you think i am. and what are you guys, like 12?
kid 1 – well, i’m 14.
kid 2 – how old are you?
jenna – how old do i look?
kid 2 – 15?
jenna – haha, i’m a little older than that...(steps up to order her beer, and turns around to leave) thanks anyways guys…

whenever i hear someone shout “oh my god!” i automatically think someone is naked.

that's just how i roll.

ahhh, bread guilt strikes again.


Bask said...

whenever i hear someone shout “oh my god!” i automatically think someone is naked.

Better than asking "Yes?" when someone shouts, "Jesus Christ!"

PunkRockRunner said...

I am so bitter that you're able to write funny blogs every week like clockwork (I have no idea what "clockwork" is btw).

And your "oh my God!!" comment was hillarious. It reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where they go to the Hamptons and George had just gotten out of the swimming pool and is changing and one of the other house guests walks in on him and he's like naked and she says "oh my God", and then like "sorry". And then George is like "I was in the pool" and there was "shrinkage". That was so funny. I'm sure you've seen that episode because everyone has seen that episode.

In fact, I think it was on last week. Yup, it was last week because I laughed so hard Moo Moo came out of my nose.

Did I say bitter? I meant jealous.


Jocelyn said...

Ha, I love you sister!! All good things. you are amazing. :) Oh and I my friends cousins uncle has allergies. So does my roommates dog. So do I, but I don;t want this to be all about me.

Anonymous said...

A woo woo...really a woo woo!?! hahaha

More often then not the vodka wins.

Run2NY said...

I really really wanted to say that all those grains... well they give me a migraine :)

I always think of a Seinfeld episode when I go to the baseball. I dont know why - never any specific episode, just flashbacks of them talking nonsense in the food/drink area. Makes me want nachos. And a hot dog. And a beer.


Bill C. said...

Another brilliant "Jenna Theater"! (The Beer Goddess is only 14?!)

Bill C. said...

ummm...I mean 15! (Big difference!)

MEYA said...

Ha ha ha! Very funny! Glad to see the vodka didn't win the night before you wrote this!

Anonymous said...

Great job again this week - you really do put the Art in Awkward ... That's a complement – not a wind advisory
I love your "it's not that I have a problem with being wrong; it's that i'm never wrong" line. Reminds me of another line from your past: "Those who think they know everything annoy those of us who do"
People always offer advice after it’s too late -- as in, "You know, I could get you a better deal on the car you just bought" -- Thanks.
Now your Seinfeld comment stings a bit because everything I learned about relationships and people who live in NYC, I learned from watching Seinfeld reruns. Which reminds me, did you see the episode where Elaine is writing a blog and ....

Lauren said...

Maybe if I stand at a train station with my hand out, I'll get some money too? ha

In my case the vodka always wins :/

And relating everything to a Seinfeld episode really bothers me too.

I've seen a man order a woo woo too! ;)

Jenna Theater is always my favorite-awkward to perfection!