The Art of Acting Asinine in Aspen

i wish i wrote for a crime show. i would so use the line, "but sir, someone just threw a person at you."

drinking makes me grandiose.

i wish i was one of those people who could be content having nothing to do.

contentment is a step away from contemptment.

in fact, it’s not even a real word.

it requires too much energy to hate you.

i only hate you when i have nothing else to do.

so, i guess it's more a hobby of hate.

people always talk about what they do, like it's something to be interested in.

does it make me a bad person that i forgot what you said?

oh well, you'll forget me in a week anyways.

i'm hardly one to inspire feelings of lust and attachment. usually, disdain and disillusionment are my soup du jour.

and i'm ok with that.

i still don't understand people using speaker phone in crowded public places.

i don't think i like the term, “public places”. it makes me think of public bathrooms, which are never clean and always wet. or smelly.

i wonder if anyone actually poops at home anymore.

when i was a kid, i refused to poop at school.

i remember was i little, i once had to stay at a woman’s house who was watching me and a few other kids. one of the boys decided to poop on the floor, instead of wherever else the kid was supposed to poop. the lady was very angry and made the boy pick up the poop with his hands and put it in the toilet.

not sure how sanitary that was, but i'll tell you what, i never pooped at her house either.

i wonder if this memory has anything to do with my dislike of children…

every once in awhile, i get the urge to poop on the floor in the bathroom at work. i don't know why. there is something that tickles me about the thought of one of the well put-together women walking in and seeing my surprise.

speaking of pooping in public, i think i'm in a war with the cleaning lady at work.

i wish i had a cleaning lady at home, but there is something unsettling about having someone touch all your shit when you're not there.

there is something troubling about people touching your shit in general.

shit.

shit's funny.

i hate that i always do the right thing at completely the wrong time.

like the drunk man who dropped 20's all over the sidewalk while he was staggering down the street. i guess i'll never be a real new yorker, because i stopped him and helped him pick up his money and put it away.

i mean, we've all been there.

things i hate, loud headphones. things i love, when construction workers wear loud headphones and the whole train can hear him listening to the new miley cyrus song.

this week in jenna theatre – jenna is at her work answering the phones.
jenna - hello *workplace*
lady - hello?
jenna - hello.
lady - hello? is this a real person?
jenna - last i checked! what can i do for you?
lady - i wanted to ask if i can email you a question.
jenna - um, well, you can...but you can ask the question to me now, if you want.
lady - oh, i can?
jenna - sure, why not?
lady - oh, thank you.
(silence)
jenna - so what can i do for you.
lady - i have a question.
jenna - right. yes. ok.
lady – i got an email from you. i have to submit materials by december 1st, is this correct?
jenna - yup. i think it says it on the email right?
lady - right. it says december 1st is the deadline.
jenna - right.
lady - so is it?
jenna – the deadline? yes....
lady - (sounding relieved) ok thank you! you've been such a big help!
jenna - no problem....

eh, we’ve all been there…right?