Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The Art of Delaying Deadly Farts in Public

do you ever have delayed moments of greatness?

how come people say, ‘i'm all ears’ when clearly that is not the case?

why doesn’t anybody ever say ‘i'm all eyes’?

maybe deaf people do.

i've lost it.

don't tell me it's somewhere. i looked somewhere and i didn't find it.

the funny thing about going somewhere over the rainbow is that it’s still the same fucking place it was before, except this time, there’s a rainbow in your way.

what goes up, must come down.

ever hear of a little thing called gravity?

suck it, dorthy.

now if you want to go somewhere above the rainbow, that’s another story.

there is a woman at my work who laughs at everything i say.

while i know i can be outrageously funny, i don’t think i’m that funny all the time.

when does a complement become mockery?

when does mockery become a complement again?

don't you hate when things can come full circle and you can do nothing to stop it?

i'm all for the circle of life, i just hate to think that that circle includes poop.

it does, don't fucking kid yourself.

i think the old man i'm sitting next to right now might have started that cycle of life in his pants.

never joke about self-defecation.

it is not nearly as charming as self-deprecation, and a whole helluvalot smellier.

i can’t help but laugh at myself now and then.

people say it’s good for the soul.

i laughed out at myself on the subway yesterday after i managed to fall down the last stairway and someone yelled at me to get serious about subway safety.

i told them if there was anything in this world, i was serious about, it was subway safety.

perhaps this would be a good time to revisit my silent theme.

it's hard to get serious on your own.

if you want a seriously good time, then perhaps love is not in your game plan.

it’s always about the games when the heart is involved, best to leave it out of the equation.

i hate when people tell me to get a game plan when i'm not playing a game.

it’s called a GAME plan for a reason.

hit me up when i'm playing freakin monopoly or table tennis, not when i'm trying to decide what to order for lunch.

then it's not a game plan, it's a lunch plan.

you can plan all you want, but things rarely go as planned.

things can only go off without a hitch, when people change their minds.

and, as one who's seen the game plan, i know.

i’m not left expecting much.

although, i do wish my microsoft office would stop changing the font on me randomly.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is trying to make it through her life as a red-head the day of st. patrick's day. in the elevator for work, a man starts to talk to jenna.
man – so, big day for you, huh?
jenna – excuse me?
man – your people’s big day. planning on joining the parade?
jenna – oh. i’m not irish, but i wish i could see the parade.
man – you’re not irish, but you have red hair.
jenna – yea….l’oreal
man – oh, so you got your hair from your mother? was she irish?
jenna – oh. no. it’s…what?
man – and green eyes…
jenna – well, those are natural.
man – have you started drinking yet? i hear most people are bringing guinness to work today.
jenna – wish i had thought of that…
man – hey you’re not wearing green! does this mean people can pinch you?

you can’t always get what you want, but sometimes you can get what you need, if what you need is gentle harassment and lots of moments of awkwardness.

(on a personal note, to the man who has meant so much, i raise my glass of vodka and say nostoriva, may you finally have peace, you will be missed, dopóki nie spotkamy sie ponownie)


blackstocks said...

Am I the only one happy to have AOA back? My Wednesday's have seemed so bland without it.

This line:
"i think the old man i'm sitting next to right now might have started that cycle of life in his pants." had me laughing so hard I almost fell out of my chair!

"then it's not a game plan, it's a lunch plan." lol

Great job!

Your tribute to your grandfather was exceptionally sweet.

Jocelyn said...

Love it! :) you crack me up. YOu are totally Irish. And you really should become serious about subway safety!
Great job sister!!
Love you granddad

PunkRockRunner said...

Not to defend the fellow on the elevator BUT I have been of the impression for the last year that you're a leprechaun.

Popular depiction shows them as being no taller than a small child with red hair, green eyes and they're said to enjoy partaking in mischief. I'm also of the impression that they partake is a nip or two from time-to-time.

The fact that you're not dressed in green with a pint of Guinness in your hand ALL DAY AT WORK makes me think that you failed to have a good GAME PLAN today....

Erin Go Bragh!


Anonymous said...

Great post – thanks, we needed this – Glad you’re back, you were missed. And of course, you are correct, we need a game plan so lunch can only go off without a hitch. Changing fonts is Microsoft office’s game plan – no hitch here, reboot or move along. How great to be an Irish redhead this week!! – at least in spirit. But can you river dance too? dopóki nie spotkamy sie ponownie your granddad is smiling

GoJo said...

Glad to see you are back. Love your blog. Nostrovia. (If I only had a fireball with that).

Lauren said...

Did someone really yell at you to get serious about subway safety? That's amazing. I laugh at myself when I fall down all the time.

Lol people mistake you for Irish? Maybe it's your love of taking shots! ;)